Ex calling my g/f

[rgm1266]

My g/f is friends with her ex b/f. Nothing seems to be going on. I just have a problem with him calling her late at night and calling her at all.

 

 

Last night around 10:45pm the phone rang. She didn't answer the phone and she told me who it was. I explained to her in a calm way that it makes me uncomfortable and I really don't like for ex's or ex lovers to call you. (which doesn't happen often except for this guy). I asked her to call him back and explain to him that he shouldn't call after a certain time. She also let me listen to his VM. (he said he was just checking on her). When she finished reading her book, she called him, got his VM and left a message.

 

Everything was cool for a minute and then she got upset and said she was irritated with me about the whole situation. For the life of me I couldn't fingure that out. NO reason to be mad at me. I wasn't the one who call you!!

 

This guy owns a business and my g/f has been giving him some marketing advice. I don't mind her doing that. She works from home so they talk several times a week while she's at home. I just have a problem with him calling her so late. I feel like he shouldn't be calling her after 7:30 or 8:00. That is OUR TIME!! Unless it's something really important like a conference call that was just rescheduled for the early morning or something like that, there's no reason for him to call.

 

The last time he called I got upset, my g/f and I got into a huge argument about it cause I felt she didn't address the issue. He said some inappropriate things to her that I took offense too about her and our relationship. So I was made out to be the bad guy.

 

Am I wrong to feel this way? How should I address this issue? Everytime I try to say something to her about it, she gets so defensive!!

 

Thanks

[meepmeep20]

How about this, don't pay attention to her. Act cold. Act distant. Act more like a friend to her than a lover. Obviously, explaining it to her doesn't do anything, so just act distant and cold. Eventually,she'll try and figure out what's wrong with you.

[rgm1266]

I did that before to her. She straighten up for a minute and then tried to flip it back on me. I just really think that is disrespecful for someone (an ex) to be calling that late or as a matter of fact at all. I do understand that she helps give him advice on his business. But he needs to respect my relationship. My g/f needs to realize that she can stop him calling if she really wanted to do so. Sometimes I feel like she's choosing her friends over me and our relationship.

 

People do what you let them do to you!!

[schizo]

How about this, don't pay attention to her. Act cold. Act distant. Act more like a friend to her than a lover. Obviously, explaining it to her doesn't do anything, so just act distant and cold. Eventually,she'll try and figure out what's wrong with you.

 

That's not a good idea. Pouting and giving her the silent treatment is for twelve year olds. Communication is key in a relationship.

 

Try to have a good talk with her about this, and explain your concerns. Try to find out why she's overreacting, and why she feels that it's so important to talk to this guy when she should be spending time with you.

 

If she wont listen, you'll either have to figure out how to deal with it, or dump her.

[junebirthday]

Basically what you'd like is for her to take responsibility for ditching this guy, once and for all. You see...the issue isn't that he calls, it's that she responds in an emotionally attached way and allows HIM to control her. You'd like to be the one in control of her. But you can't be. She, all on her own, has to come to the conclusion that having him in the picture is aggravating you and hurting her relationship with you.

 

The reason she's probably keeping him around is for leverage. If you do something to upset her, she will turn to him. That's not good. But that's probably why she keeps it like that. He's back up.

 

So...here's my advice. Explain to her that by having him in her life you feel threatened and that it's hurting the peace of the relationship. Set boundaries! you'd prefer if he didn't call at all and def. not past 7pm or whatever. If she breaks this or doesn't want to "lose" him then you have a bigger issue. Deal with that if it crops up. But bottom line: there needs to be mutual respect in the relationship between the two of you. She needs to muster the courage to tell the ex to go away and you need to allow her to do that on her own.

 

T

[kuhl282000]

I would have a major problem with that myself ....

[rgm1266]

junebirthday.....

 

I've tried that too. I've tried to talk with her and she gets upset. I agree, communication is the key. I don't want to sound like I was trying to control her. But it's about mutual respect.

 

When I tried to talk to her before, she says that he's been her friend for 3 years and has been there for her. I was like if we are talking about getting married, who is more important? Your future husband or your friend of 3 years? A true friend will respect and understand your relationship.

 

I know she tells him our business. We have a saying between us, things thatn happen between these 4 walls stay within these 4 walls. Don't put your business on the streets!!

 

Like I said before, if they talk during the say about business, then that is plenty of time to talk. Then when I come home, that should be OUR time. I really don't think she's going to want to compromise on this issue. Like you said, I need to make a decision on if I want to deal with this or leave.

[2nd Best]

That's not a good idea. Pouting and giving her the silent treatment is for twelve year olds. Communication is key in a relationship.

 

Try to have a good talk with her about this, and explain your concerns. Try to find out why she's overreacting, and why she feels that it's so important to talk to this guy when she should be spending time with you.

 

If she wont listen, you'll either have to figure out how to deal with it, or dump her.

 

I couldn't said it any better...

[junebirthday]

I'm sorry to hear you're coming up against such resistance. When we decide to marry someone we get ALL their baggage. I, am divorced and have two kids. Whom ever I marry not only gets me but my kids and my ex (ugg.)

 

If she will not give this guy up you either make peace with it or you find someone else. I know that sounds harsh...but it all boils down to what you are willing to accept. If you cannot accept this guy and she won't budge...there's only two things to do: stay and be miserable or leave her to find someone that SHARES your same values. The bottom line is that you have to be good to yourself. If you are hurting and she doesn't respect that-- it's gonna be a hell of a long marriage.

[IMAbadman]

Seems like he's making some elbow room for himself. Next he'll want a pillow.

[rgm1266]

I just talked to her about it and like I said, she got all upset and said that I'm trying to control her. I didn't fall into her trap and get upset and yell. She did that!! I explained to her that it's hurting our relationship and it bothers me that he calls late at night. I asked her that he not calls after 7ish or a agreed upon time. She said I'll tell him not to call late. She couldn't give me a determined time. Then she said I don't want him calling at night. But he works late sometimes and he can only call me late at night. I said I understand that. But unless it's important, it can wait till the next day.

 

She gets so defensive when I talk to her about things. She hates to communicate and address issues. I'm not trying to control her. I'm trying to address issues that bother me and are causing problems in our relationship.

 

I'm at the point of saying I'm tired and had enough!!

[FireFighter84]

Your in the same * * * * as I am. Dont think about it or argue about it till it happens it again. Chances are she will respect it next time but is just upset becouse of the way you said it. When it does happen again

get really serious about it: "This OR.."

 

Atleast thats what I would do... cause the more you will allow it next time the more you will suffer (like I did)

 

Hope this helps

[rgm1266]

I said it in a calm and respectful way. She thinks I'm trying to control her. This is the only issue that we have in our relationship. I just feel that our relationship is being disrespected and I will not put up with that.

 

I really don't think she'll respect it. She was yelling at me saying " I'll tell him not to call me later at night. Is that what you want?" Over and over and over again. I was thinking please don't patronize me.

 

She's so use to being by herself and alone for so many years that when someone comes into her life, she doesn't know how to respect a relationship. Her longest relationship in the last 8 years have been no longer than 6 months. We are at 8 months. I'm on borrowed time!! lol

[IMAbadman]

Wow... she may have some issues there.

[FireFighter84]

man, I would get upset about it myself pffffffff

 

Maybe you should stay calm and confront her with the same : have more contact with female friends and/or ex's.. It would make you feel alot better

[rgm1266]

I'm really trying to salvage this relationship. So I called her back a minute ago and guess what? She didn't answer the phone!! She ignored my call and didn't pick up. Very childish and immature!! So I guess she'll call me when she calms down to break up, argue more, or make things better. I'm not going to live like this and I shouldn't.

[IMAbadman]

Nope, you shouldn't have to live like that.

 

Respect goes both ways. If you two can't respect one another then you'll never have a relationship work out.

[FireFighter84]

Maybe you should call when she is on bussiness with him. See if she likes that. I feel your anger really I do :s

[rgm1266]

You know what, I"m really not angry about the situation. I'm more hurt than anything else. I also feel like my relationship has been and is being disrespected and no one should have to live like that. I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens.

[bijoux27]

How about this, don't pay attention to her. Act cold. Act distant. Act more like a friend to her than a lover. Obviously, explaining it to her doesn't do anything, so just act distant and cold. Eventually,she'll try and figure out what's wrong with you.

 

That's pretty....uh.

Watch her feel resentful that he's acting cold, and vent to her ex bf.

[junebirthday]

You said you are trying to "salvage" this relationship. At 8 months a relationship isn't salvaged, it is built upon and cultivated. Whether you think so or not, you are trying to control her. There's no need to keep calling her and badgering her to address this issue RIGHT NOW. In healthy relationships things happen slowly. Change happens slowly.

 

Right now, whether you think you are doing it or not, SHE THINKS you are controlling her. She's on the defense. Yes, she has to meet you half way if this is a big issue for you and she wants to keep you in her life. But give her time to think about it. You told her it bothers you. Now let it go. She's not a child. Neither are you. She knows the info. now let it be and see what happens.

 

T