Caterina Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have a friend who was horribly molested as a child. She tells a lot of people. I don't know what to do when she tells me this...it makes me very sad but I don't know how to handle it or what to say. Do you have any suggestions for how I could help her? Link to comment
robinhood Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Sometimes, being there and listening is all that you can do. Link to comment
Jetta Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Can you gently refer her to a therapist? She needs additional help, especially if she's spouting it all over the place. Otherwise be a friend and listen when she shares is about all you can do. You can't take the pain away, you can't remove the past. You can only be here to tell her it won't happen again, she's safe now. Link to comment
Gracelove Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I think that a lot of victims go through a phase where they want to talk about it, a lot. I don't think there is anything you can really do to help her. Maybe just listen to her. Since it's uncomfortable for you to listen to, I would suggest changing the subject, I'm sure she'll get the message. Link to comment
Caterina Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I don't mind being uncomfortable...I want to help her but feel useless at it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 I was molested as a kid and I do talk about it with people that I am comfortable with. Talking about it makes the person feel better. It is important that you can accept and support her. Never tell her to be quiet etc because she will feel so rejected. Talking about it is a very important phase to getting better. It is not something that should be shoved under the carpet. She is getting better congratulate her instead. Feel honoured that she trusts you enough to talk about it. Tell her that you are there to listen and provide comfort and support and you believer her. Just having someone to believe you is so much help. Link to comment
Caterina Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 I was molested as a kid and I do talk about it with people that I am comfortable with. Talking about it makes the person feel better. It is important that you can accept and support her. Never tell her to be quiet etc because she will feel so rejected. Talking about it is a very important phase to getting better. It is not something that should be shoved under the carpet. She is getting better congratulate her instead. Feel honoured that she trusts you enough to talk about it. Tell her that you are there to listen and provide comfort and support and you believer her. Just having someone to believe you is so much help. She's 25 right now and I wouldn't ever tell her to be quiet. But, you're 41 and just now getting better...is she going to struggle with this all of her life and does it affect her love-relationships? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 I started getting better years ago not now. I was in therapy from 14 to 16 and I have been getting better over time. It is is not like I just started. Believe me I am whole light years beyond what I was. But this is a gradual process that takes an entire life time. You will not just be magically better one day and never think of it or talk of it again. You may be able to forgive it and get way better than you were but you will NEVER forget it and it will ALWAYS in some way influence who you are. It is a FOREVER deal. Yes it does affect ALL relationships not just romantic ones. One thing that is horrendously damaged is your sense of trust. On some levels I do trust people, but ultimately no I do not. I like to control things so that I do not feel threatened or in danger. That applies to ALL areas of my life. Link to comment
Gratsy Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 How does it influence who you are? I think its terrible that this could happen to children and does...its something I have trouble believing sometimes b/c its so horrible. Is it better to forget? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 It is IMPOSSIBLE to forget is what you are not understanding. It affects your self worth, how you relate to everyone. It affects you down to your soul. It is hard to explain to someone it has not happened to, and I always pray it never happens to anyone. BUt if you are abused as a child it affects your personality, how your brain develops everything. After I was abused I thought about my abuse every living second of the day for about 4 years. I thought of NOTHING else. It is not something you can control. It just replays in your minds eye over and over and over. If people touched me I panicked even if it was not a sexual touch, any touch made me panic and sometimes pass out At the time I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Then I got into drinking and perscription medications until I was about 27 years old. I met my husband when I was 22 when we first started having sex I would cry and cry and cry.Even now 28 years after it happened I seldome think about it unless the topic comes up I have some issues left. I do have a temper that I work to control. By this I mean, I want to control everything and I get angry if I can not. I protect my child like he is priceless gold. He has never not ever been babysat by anyone other than my mother. He is not allowed outside the yard unless I can watch him. I check out all his friends etc. He is almost 11 and he is very sheltered much more than he should be. He is disabled but, I protect him far more than I should. I can not sleep on the side of the bed near the door or I am terrified. I can not be alone in my house at night without panicking. When I am in public I look for ways to escape if it is necessary. I have not achieved anything in the way of career even though I am university educated because I do not feel I am worth a career. That is how it has effected me personally. I mean I know intellectually that I am worth it and that some of the things I do are needless but you have to believe it emotionally know what I mean?So, I am a work in progress , a survivor. Link to comment
Caterina Posted August 2, 2008 Author Share Posted August 2, 2008 That is very sad...I wish I could help and let her know that those are lies. She knows it cognitively, but I think its harder for her to accept it in her soul. Link to comment
Caterina Posted August 2, 2008 Author Share Posted August 2, 2008 That what is a lie? That have to do with self worth. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 Unfortunately, how it affects self worth is VERY real. The person has to come to understand their worth, through help of friends and professionals and time. I am starting to understand and believe it now myself. Here is something I wrote back in January that I FINALLY believe and I grow stronger every day. You can share it with her if you want. Here it is...The past can not hurt me.It just is.I do not know my future I can only live today.I am not my victim. I am not your victim. My body and mind are the 2 things that belong entirely to me.Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Maybe I will share Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 I hope I was some help anyway, and I wish your friend all the best and congradulate her on being a survivor. It is great that she has you as a friend and you care enough to help her. Link to comment
Caterina Posted August 2, 2008 Author Share Posted August 2, 2008 I will share that with her. Thanks so much for talking to me about it. Link to comment
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