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5 new ways to think about your break up

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okay, so here's the thing. forgive me if this is beyond corny and stupid, but i was just thinking the other day about how i used to come to this forum after my break up (well over a year and a hafl ago now) and cry my eyes out and read all the "getting back together" posts so that i could convince myself that'd happen for me, too. but it didn't. and so i cried and i cried, and thought about how lame of a person i must be, and how i'd never be that happy ever again and how i didn't have much of a life without him... you know, the usual...


but i couldn't do that forever and so i eventually started doing more things, seeking out new experiences, and going out again, and eventually met someone new (well, not so "new" since he was my HS crush who i met again 2000 miles from home and 8 years later...) but anyway, now i'm incredibly happy (for so many reasons - but yes, partly b/c of my AMAZING boyfriend) and was thinking about all the unexpected and wonderul ways my break up actually improved my life in the long run (even though, yes, the interim was beyond horrible).


but i couldn't see what it could bring at the time. so i wanted to share those thoughts now. you probably wont' be able to believe it now, or if you can, it won't help the hurt all that much. but you can at least know that you WILL feel this way someday, and at least start telling it to yourself this now in the hopes that you'll eventually believe it.


So, with that unecessarily long introduction:


1. Your Ex's Opinion is NOT the "Objective Truth"

maybe he/she said you were too clingy, or boring, or unattractive. or maybe (more likely) he/she said you were great but not "the one" and so you assume this must mean that there's actually something wrong with you- but THERE'S NOT!!! just b/c your ex couldn't or didn't fully appreciate all of your wonderful traits doesn't mean they don't exist or that others don't/won't see them. don't let your ex control how you think you're perceived by the world or how you see yourself. things just didnt' work out. as simple as that.


2. The Hands of Fate

not everyone believes in fate, but if you do, well, then your ex wasn't the right one for you. things happen for a reason. maybe this break up will lead you to meeting the true love of your life, maybe it'll lead you down a different career path, maybe it'll lead you to reconnect with old friends or family, but for whatever reason this happened, and things will eventually fall into place- into the place they're supposed to be


3. Random Chance

okay, so if you don't believe in fate, then there's always chance, and the same rules apply. who knows the course of things that this break up will alter. i mean, sure, this sounds crazy, but who knows...maybe if you stayed with your ex you would have gotten into a bad accident that you won't now, or whatever.. maybe you woudn't have gone to the bar where you meet the new friend who introduces you to your future business partner.. maybe you would have missed out on the best meatball hogie of your life. i mean, seriously, though, life is just one big series of random events and in the long run, this might be the better life


4. An Opportunity to Rediscover Yourself

relationships (esp. a bad and/or struggling one) can really lead you to lose youself (your goals, sense of humor, world view, etc) in the process a bit. a break up can give you an opportunity to get back to the things that you really love and care about and remember who you are as an individual (and not just as half of a couple). you can reconnect with friends and family, spend more time doing things you used to enjoy- like working out, or any of your hobbies, interests that you've had less time for. you dont' have to worry what "he/she" thinks about how you look, or the things you say or do. there's no one to answer to but yourself... find out who that really is!!


5. An Opportunity to Better Yourself

chances are you're going to have a lot more free tiime now (and free time you want to avoid thinking about you-know-who) do something useful with it! learn a language, learn how to play an instrument, pick up a paintbrush, or a notebook and pen, plan a trip to that one place you've always wanted to go, get a gym membership, join a book club, start going to those after work happy hours or whatever other social opportunities you've been passing up. this is your chance to meet new people, experience new things, and expand your experience in a way you otherwise wouldn't have.


so, as tempting as it is to hope to get back to what you had, i really do suggest that you instead try to look forward to the future- a different future than you might have expected or wanted, but one that will be full of new challenges, excitement, opportunity, new loves (yes, it will happen and yes, you WILL feel that strongly again), and one that is now wide open for whatever you chose to make of it. so, (at the risk of sounding like a soccor mom), go get 'em, tiger!

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It is easy to have this attitude when you have love in your life. It is a bit harder for those of us who are still alone or have been alone a long time since the break up and still miss and hurt over our ex's. Sorry, but it almost sounds trite.


...No,they don't. Sometimes they just happen and you have to deal with it. Doesn't mean the stars or some Higher Power had it planned.



I agree with both of these statements actually... as to the first one, that's why i said you likely won't believe this now. i didn't start dating my boyfirend for about 11 months until after my break up. (i know that's not "forever," but) trust me, i know how hard it was in the meantime. my point wasn't so much "what's wrong with you, snap out of it!" (clearly that's impossible) but more wanting to let you know that thing will improve and, whether you believe it or not at the moment, this break up might be a good thing for you in the long run.


secondly, i don't personally believe in fate, either. but some people do. so, for them, why not think about it in those terms? i believe in random chance, so i think about it in those terms....


geez, your a touch critic. really, though, i understand. i used to HATE people like me who came back all annoyingly happy and didn't want to let me dwell on my ex and on how much i was wronged and how crappy my life was. but my hope with this post was that you might at least try to trust that things will be okay and if not think about things in the exact ways i've termed them, at least try to look for the positives in the break up. because they are there. even if you can't see them right now (really, i think i only got "over" my ex in the last three months....)- or if they just sound like something out of a bad B-list actor holiday romance movie...


but, really, do whatever works for you. who am i to tell you?

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Bear 12 is right. These are difficult things to deal with -- but with time, a lot of them start making sense. The pain can be long-lasting. But at the same time, it also shows us how sensitive we are as human beings. And perhaps it is good to become sensitive. This way, we can empathize with the pain of others.


There is definitely a positive side to the whole situation. And with time, this becomes clearer. Also, I can safely say that in about 7 to 8 out of ten cases, the breakup leaves both sides permanently scarred. Nobody gets away too lightly. If the feelings existed and were deep, then both sides pay the price, the dumpee in the shorter term, the dumper in the longer term.


Again, this is not say there is some Karmic law which makes this happen. But basic simple human emotions which lead to this. So long as people seek their own, innermost happiness in others, they always make themselves more vulnerable. And in the process, leave the door open for the story to repeat itself.


So really, short term or long term, everybody faces the music -- which is why, it is good to recognize these things about ourselves and see things in perspective, and see the silver lining in being freed from abusive and painful relationships, be it in the capacity of the dumper or the dumpee.


Of course, the next step we take defines pretty much how things will pan out. How we learn to be contented with ourselves and take less and give more to others eventually leads us to fulfilment, and as a small gift on the side, companionship with someone who is not entirely unlike us, who is happy by himself or herself.


Just random thoughts

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