Asking to hangout. What does this mean?

[rgm1266]

Long post.....

 

My g/f and I had been going thru some issues the last couple of months. So I told her not to contact me until I decided if and when I wanted to continue this relationship. (She was a narcissits (sp), bad decisions, and etc which caused our breakup). We didn't talk for a couple of days and then I decided to call her. She didn't answer the phone and didn't return my message (on purpose). Then called her a few days later and we talked.

 

To my surprise, she calls me on Sunday morning. We talked for a while but neither one of us talked about our relationship. She was saying that her niece, nephew, and mom are coming up to stay with her. Her mom has some physical disabilities that require someone to help her up the stairs. I offered to her mother up and down the stairs whenever they would go out and just help her with anything that she might need. (I live 5 mins away). She said thanks and would call me if her mom came over. Then around 10:45pm she calls and says her mom didn't come with her, but she's bringing her niece and nephew with her. She was letting me know that she was on her way home. I was busy doing something but I said I will call you when you get home to make sure you made it home safely. I called her and everything was cool.

 

The next day she calls me and asked if I wanted to go swimming with the kids. I asked her does she want me to come over? She avoided the question again and then puts the kids on the phone to ask me. So I come over and we all go swimming. After about 1hr, her nephew tells me (in front of my ex g/f) she really misses you and wants you to come back. The whole time that I'm out at the point, my ex g/f is looking at me, asking me questions, etc. We are having a good time. But again, I don't talk about us. Her and the kids ask me if I want to come back to the house and change for dinner. I relunctantly go back to the house. I only stay for a few minutes. When I leave, we give eachother a hug and kiss on the cheek and then I leave to go work out.

 

Then the next day she calls me again to ask if I would like to go with her and the kids shopping. Like she did before, she puts the kids on the phone and they ask me to come with them. I said sure. So I go meet them and we all hang out and go shopping. My ex g/f comes up to me and says "you smell so good". She ask me how things are going, yada yada, yada. We have good conversation and get along well while we were hanging out together. I caught her staring at me several times like she missed me and wanted to have me next to her. So after we all went shopping, she asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. I declined again. She seemed disappointed. Said our goodbyes and went home.

 

My question is why is she asking for me to come over to hangout? Is she having the kids contact me cause she wants to see me? Or is there some other motive in seeing me?

 

I miss her alot. But when I saw her the last couple of days, my feelings fer her are not like they use to be. She really took me thru ALOT. I don't think I want to go back down that road again.

 

Thanks for your advice.....

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If you dumped her, and she wants the relationship to continue, she will keep doing things that throw you two together hoping this will convince you to get back together.

 

And it sounds like she is hoping the kids and family needs will pull on your heartstrings and bring you back (which obviously worked several times). So she's using what she's got to try to get you back.

 

You have to be very careful with this kind of contact if you don't want her back. She thinks she's working on something here, and you may be tempted to sleep with her etc. which is not good if you think what you really need to do is break up.

 

So tell her you need 2 weeks TOTALLY NC, without any phone calls etc. to see what your feelings are. And at the end of 2 weeks, if you decide you don't want to go back, then just totally break it off and refuse to see her, since she will get the wrong idea and think you are working on getting back together.

 

Read the Getting Back Together threads on this board and you'll see how all the dumpees keep hoping that seeing or talking to their dumper means there is still hope to get back together, and look for all kinds of ways and reasons to contact the dumper to try to get his attention back. If you really want out, it is kinder to be honest and then keep the contact minimal so she doesn't get the wrong idea mistaking your kindness or politeness for a sign that you are reconciling.

[rgm1266]

I do miss her and have thought about maybe starting all over as friends and see where it goes. As for sleeping with her, I don't want to. When I saw her the other day at the pool, that was the first time in 1 week of seeing her. I had no desire to sleep, kiss, or do anything sexual with her. So I guess with everything that has happened, I'm really getting over her. She has made me feel so bad sometimes with the arguing, fussing, and some of her decisions regarding our relationship. Sometimes I think if WE BOTH made some compromises, that we could really make it work. But then I also think that a person should never and will never change.

 

The NC rule is a good suggestion. I think I will try that and go from there. If I still feel the same way about not wanting to work things out then I'll leave. If not, then start over with us being friends and building upon it from there.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Just be careful with the 'just friends' thing. You may be fine with that, but she may keep hoping you'll get back together. It also keeps her kids in limbo too, since eventually you will get a new girlfriend, and then it will probably end badly with your ex.

 

People can change btw, but she has to really WANT to change, not just change to get you back (then fall into the old patterns). So if you want to try again, you have to openly put the problems out on the table and negotiate how you will handle them, then stick to your agreements on how they will be handled.