Husband has a sex addiction

[bmth]

I have known for a couple of years that my husband has a problem with internet porn. he had promised not to use the computer for that any more so I put parental controls on the computer and didn't tell him. I could not have guessed what I would find out. I found a conversation he was having in a chat room talking to an on-line friend about visiting prostitutes. When I confronted him he confessed and told me he had been visiting prostitutes for 4 years of our 6 year marriage. We are now both going to councelling and are desperately trying to save our marriage, especially as we have 3 children the oldest is 5. Are any couples recovering from this type of thing and have any advice to offer? Until all this I would have thought this sort of behaviour was totally out of character for my sweet, family centred seemingly loving husband.

[rosephase]

Hi bmth

Sex addiction is a crippling problem. And for maybe people who have it, it can seem very out of character. I think it is amazingly strong of you to try and work on this marriage. Remember though all of this, that your husband is still the person he seemed to be. He was hiding something horrible that was hurting not just you and your family, but him to. And the fact that he is willing to work on it to is a good sign. But it's a very hard road and a lot of relationships don't make it. Good luck.

[TechResQ]

Hi bmth,

 

Welcome to ENA. I am sorry I do not have any first hand experience with this type of situation, but I am sure you will get some great advice from others who have.

 

I am sorry you are going through this, it has to be completely devastating for you. I know he has probably told you that he used protection each and every time, but please go ahead and get yourself tested for any STD's. At least you will be able to put your mind at eases, somewhat, about that question.

 

I wish you the best.

 

God Bless

[Excalibur]

You'd do well to study the 12-step program of any addiction, as you seek counseling. They're two different approaches and not always seeking the same type of solution.

[bunny2007]

Hi there,

 

I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this. Its been over a year now since I, like you, found out this devastating news. My husband was cheating for our entire relationship which was over 10 years altogether mostly with prostitutes and we have 2 children. You can read my original post if you like. Its called ''partner cheated for such a long time I feel like such a fool''. My husband like yours seemed like the sweet caring considerate dad and husband and nobody especially me suspected the dark secrets he was hiding for years.

 

We are still together now and to be honest things are going better than they ever were. We have both had counseling, we tried couples therapy for a bit but that didnt work out so well. I find it hard to believe that I'm on here calm and happy when this time last year I thought I may actually die from a broken heart.

 

I would just like to say in my opinion, its very easy for people to quickly label someone with a sex addiction but sexual addiction is a very vague and in some respects unproven issue.

 

Some therapists will be quick to label someone with a sex addiction, whilst others you will find dont believe in it at all.

 

 

In my opinion, its the reasons why someone is driven to go with hookers that is the over all issue, not just the sex itself but the reasons why. In many cases if someone wants to cheat, they will, and they don't give a damn about the consequences until the day they are found out. My husband simply wanted to have sex outside out my relationship and thats the bottom line. what he did was selfish,ignorant, premeditated cruelty. But he never realised the consequences of his actions until the day he was found out which is the sad truth of it. He also never realised the mental torture he inflicted on me because of his guilt and how he elevated himself above me the whole time because felt so * * * * about himself deep down.

 

If your husbands wants work things out with you he will do whatever it takes to make things work. Its difficult where kids are involved because you are thinking of them as well as trying to piece yourself back together.

 

Firstly right now your husband should be doing most of the work to prove to you that he is going to change, he needs to open up and look at himself and really get to the bottom of why he went to these women.

DON'T LET HIM TRY TO TRANSFER THE BLAME ONTO YOU. Compulsive cheating liers are good at this and you have to be wise to it.

 

Don't be so quick to label it sex addiction because its seems an easy excuse to hide behind and it also insinuates something a person is stuck with for life and needs to watched over for life (addiction). You should read up on it, there are many sites or talk to your therapist.

 

My husband would not like to be labelled a sex addict and personally I dont blame him, instead he would rather accept he has been a total selfish depressed pig with issues to work through but not something he's stuck with for life and will never go away.

 

If you ever want to PM me feel free anytime.

[bmth]

Thanks for all your replies. Very hard time for me at the moment. Very interested in Bunny's response in not labelling it a addiction. Part of me feels this ort of issue is TOO BIG for meto take on. Yet our children deserve 2 loving parents (which we certainly are). Divorce would be as hard an option as staying.

[bunny2007]

Hi again Bmth,

 

How are you feeling? Have you managed to talk anything through yet with your husband. Please believe me I understand what you must be going through mentally right now. Its so hard having the kids and trying ti figure out what to do.

 

I would look at my children daily and I felt more sorry for them than I did for myself because suddenly everything I was building, our happy home, our family unit was obliterated by the selfishness of my husband. I became absolutely terrified when the issue of sexual addiction was brought up by various people such as my councellor at the time. And when I read up on it, It terrified me more. I thought I don't want to spend the rest of my life babysitting a fully grown man and waiting until he makes a mistake again.

 

It wouldn't have been fair to me or the children to have to live like that. But luckily we started councilling with a therapist who told me it was rubbish and that its a label to hide behind. My husband from the outset insisted he was not addicted and I do believe him. It was a pattern of behavior and the fact that he was never caught out meant he sailed along this path without ever realizing what he stood to lose.

 

Once faced with the reality and consequences of his actions he changed as person, a husband and a father. I know there are a lot of people who would say ''well he only stopped cos he got caught'' and thats exactly right, sometimes thats what it takes for a person to wake up and grow up and make a change. He saw how devastated and heart broken I was. I know it may sound ridiculous but in all those years he had never been faced with the consequences of what he'd done. Things could have been very different had I found out years earlier but I dont dwell on the past now because its pointless.

 

I hope I have been of some help or comfort to you. your going through a very difficult time and emotionally you will be like a rollercoaster. Things will get better and you must believe that even if it does mean you go it alone. Thank god that you now know the truth and you can deal with it, you can. You will go through so many different emotions but this is only natural.

 

Never ever blame yourself for whats happened, you are you and your husband is his own person. No one made him do what he did certainly not you.

 

Be strong

[bmth]

Thanks Bunny for your reply. Are you both still seeing therapists? What srt of therapy did your husband receive and were any particular aspects of it particularly useful?

 

Are there still times you feel worried about "trust issues"? I feel my husband is very sincere about changing and not acting out sexually again. I'm more worried about his resolve long term when times get hard.

 

Any tips on establishing normal marital physical relations again in such a situation?

 

Any one else who has advice on anything related to this, comments greatfully received.

[JName]

Wow...

 

That has got to be tough! 4 years of cheating? That to me is intollerable. I definatley commend you for working this out.

 

For sure couples counseling is the way to go. I would have him checked for STDs/STIs.

 

My boyfriend cheated on me awhile back and come to find out he may have a porn/sex addiction [-X. Luckily this is the first time ever he's cheated in his life. Luckily he can come out completely remorseful. The porn as been deleted, trashed, and banned for awhile. I made him answer all the questions I had with all honesty and being completely open about the situation, our status in the relationship, what he wants out of the relationship I keep a close eye on him. I made him get tested, even though it was only oral sex and he wore a condom the entire time.

 

I hate to pull a tight leash on him. But it's not my fault this happened even if it was something I did or didn't do, it's his fault for not communicating his wants/needs/concerns in the relationship . You bet this startled him, fear of loss shook him hard ](*,) , and so far he's doing good with communication and making up for his wrong-doings.

 

So please understand that this isn't your fault, it is his. I would definitely seek some sort of couples counseling.