Having no Common Friends?

[thefustrateddude]

Hello,

 

Background: me and my girlfriend have been dating for one and a half years, very close relationship. We both moved cities for career and school opportunities, so we have been doing long distance for about a month now.

 

When I visited her just a few days ago, she explained that she was worried about the future because we have no common friends... and she was afraid we never will.

 

Everything else is just fine, I usually go to hang out with her friends from time to time and I know them pretty well (not close friends but friends nonetheless). When there are times when me and my friends are hanging out, but it's a more open gatherings (bring your so and other friends type hang outs) she is extremely reluctant to go to..?? reason given is she can't find out what to talk with them, or that they are not her friends, etc. But I know her and my friends and their, and they would talk about anything and everything... and their interests are pretty common too.

 

I usually just ask her once if she wants to join, and she almost always declines... fine by me, as she has her own group. But it really hit me hard when she stated that the friendship she has with her friends are "real" and "super close"... claiming what I have is not close and she just can't associate with people like that, she didn't mean to insult but it wasn't too nice to hear. How many guys have "super close" relationships talking about feelings.. lol

 

I am a very easy going guy, I go along with anyone, I can talk about anything to anyone.. so I know her friends pretty well to the point I can really say they are common friends, but she disagrees..

 

So now here we are, she wanted "a break for a while" to think about this, and I agreed if she has what ever she needs to resolve and think about. 3 days in to so called break at the moment. (although we agreed for no communication until she was done thinking/resolving, she has already txt me and called me... kinda making it hard for me: I am already missing her a lot and that just making it a tad bit more harder for me to go through)

 

Considering everything else in the relationship is nearly perfect... I have a hard time understanding if the "common friends" was the real issue or something else? I don't see it as a big/crazy/important issue as we would make common friends more if we both hang out more together with others (which she is reluctant to do except with her friends). Catch-22

 

Hopefully this "break for a while" or "time to think" is for the best...

 

So my questions are:

Whats the deal with Common friends?

Do you and your SO have serious common friends?

[a_lifters_life]

my SO and I have 2 or 3 common friends and have known each other for 6 months or so ....

[Catdancer]

It feels good to have common friends, you can relate and really talk about because the friend knows you both. My ex and I have one common friend, altho I think she is now more my friend than his since the breakup.

[SchecterGuy]

I think that was one of the reasons of the breakup between my gf and I. Her closest family and friends lived about 200 miles away. She was very close to her family and her best friend. She became extremely frustrated that there would always be a gap between me and her family and friends. She felt like she was choosing between me and them. It wouldn't/shouldn't happen to everyone as not all people meet through friends, but at the same time for some people it does create a problem.

[thefustrateddude]

I think that was one of the reasons of the breakup between my gf and I. Her closest family and friends lived about 200 miles away. She was very close to her family and her best friend. She became extremely frustrated that there would always be a gap between me and her family and friends. She felt like she was choosing between me and them. It wouldn't/shouldn't happen to everyone as not all people meet through friends, but at the same time for some people it does create a problem.

 

That is true different people. But unlike your aspect, I go along pretty well with her friends and her family, and she also goes really with my family too... except my friends (I feel that she doesn't even try, then say it doesn't work).

 

It's really frustrating that something this small can make such a big difference (or maybe it's small to me but very important to her). Then again, if it's so important to her, I wonder why she doesn't put that effort or even give it a try.

[Excalibur]

She wants you to drop your friends, and adopt hers....she wants concession, not compromise. YOu've already compromised in being around her friends...it's her that is not wiling to do same.

[thefustrateddude]

She wants you to drop your friends, and adopt hers....she wants concession, not compromise. YOu've already compromised in being around her friends...it's her that is not wiling to do same.

 

Hmm in a way, seems so. I am having a hard time if she intends to do this.. or maybe she just does it unconsciously.

 

This is hard, invested so much time/trust in to this relationship and everything else is near perfect, and I do sincerely love this girl: I don't quite want to let go of the relationship just because of this, any thoughts on if this can be remedied or is it already too late?

[Excalibur]

If you'd drop the impression of whether it's conscious or subconscious - you'd see the point entirely.

 

There's nothing at risk here, per se.

 

Up to now - she was okay with you involving with her friends, while keeping your own. She's simply upping the terms on which you're allowed to play with her- you must adopt her friends, and have less to do with your own...she's saying "now that is a priority to me".

 

Relationships where you've constantly got to adjust "who you are" in terms of priorities, standards, and values in order to associate are relationships in which you get furtehr from your true self - and closer to the abyss where you're not sure which way is up or down.

 

Up to now - it appears she wasn't willing to be around your friends...which didn't overmuch bother you, nor her. And it appears you were permitted to be around your friend without her - which didn't overmuch bother either of you.

 

NOW...terms have changed...she wants you affiliating more with her friends, and less with youyrs - if you're to affiliate with her. Are you willing to do that - is associating with her worth it on those terms? Only you know. but more terms will present at time passes. The only constant is change.