someone/anyone please help! i am in such a rut

[feelingsolow1607306447]

I am a senior in college and my girlfriend has just made it clear that my verbal abusiveness has taken its toll on her. We are in a long distance relationship (which has worked amzaingly well b/c we see each other frequently and 4 straight months during the summers). We are both in love with each other. But she has told me now that the verbal abuse has made her not as crazy about me anymore. She lied to me at the onset of the relationship about a mistake she made (one night stand) a yr before she even met me. I was upset about this lie, but instead of letting it go, I have used it as a weapon against her for a year now. I know that it's not right, and i have decided to seek help with anger management issues that i so obviously have had. we have both suffered from it. She says that if we can take a step back and build our friendship with regular non-intimate conversations, and she can observably see that I am taking active steps to work on my anger issues, then we could try to make the relationship work again. But she did say that we should work on our issues separately under the assumption that we are not getting back together, in order to alleviate any unnecessary stress. I am honoring her wishes (although it is very hard and do call her crying occasionally). I have recently agreed to see a psychologist to help work thru my issues with her and most of all myself. But I guess my quesiton is this. Is there a woman out there who has been thru something like this and feels that if I show her that I can be a supportive friend who is working on controlling his anger, will she ever be able to give me another chance? Can a girl ever fall back in love with someone I guess. I mean, she still loves me but says that the verbal abuse has just made her not as crazy about me anymore and she needs that back before we can begin again. Just from a general perspective, does this ever happen? Anyway, we're both in college and I'm just so scared right now that I've lost the best thing that has happened to me. I want to work on this for her, and especially myself. But this girl has just been so good to me that i want to be able to do for her what i should have done all along.

any help please,

thanks

[Neo7]

Hey,

Sorry man, I'm not a women but I can relate. It sucks knowing you had something so good and that you screwed it up. I"ve been there and done that. Girls are weird man, I would think though that if your abiding by her wishes and obviously not Verbally abusing her anymore she should come back. But you can't push, you have to recognize the fact she has the right to see other people (as do you). You're in a tough postion. As crazy as it sounds you almost have to be perfect. Because the slightest hint of you getting angry with her again in a verbally abusive manner and you're back to square one. Good luck and just remembe what she means to you before you react in a foolish manner. Obviously, she cares for you if she's willing to forget, or at least forgive the past. Just win her back man, but you've got to play it smart.

[feelingsolow1607306447]

thanks so much for the advice. there's so much i've yet to learn about my own feelings. the comment you made about dating other people is something that we've agreed upon and people keep telling me that it might actually show her just how good i was. the problem i have with that though is that i'm afraid that she will focus on the bad aspects of the relationship. that may sound retarded but it's what i'm feeling. she's the most amazing girl and i am giving her the space that she has asked for...don't know where that will lead. anyway, it's so hard to express what i'm feeling b/c it is utter guilt. hopefully therapy will help me to open up. i know i'm young (23) but i have never felt older than I do right now. I'm about to graduate and it's like...okay now what. i go to a great school and will get a job, but how can you meet someone better than the best you've ever had. i know that sounds irrational and who knows it may well be. it's just what i'm feeling right now. thanks again for the response. it helps to chat. i never use forums, but this is so helpful b/c of the anonymity i think. it allows me to be more open. i'm open to any suggestions/remarks/complaints etc...

[SwingFox]

Hi,

 

I am sorry for what you have been going through. I think that you made GOOD step forward by taking this anger management course. That was a very good decision.

 

As for your woman: I would see how far you can take this. My advice is, though, to make sure that this woman is not making you walk on your toes over eggshells. Neo7 has a point there ... she might keep coming back to you. I hate to say it, but I have been in a similar situation that I had to keep walking on my toes. That doesn't mean that every woman is like this, it's just a little warning I am giving you from my experience. This young woman might just be so wonderful and wouldn't do that to you, but it takes YOUR judgement and YOUR feeling. If the feeling isn't right anymore, I would suggest to stay in your friendship with her.

 

Good luck with your training and your future. I hope that all ends well for you.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[rabsy]

Any advice. I have lost the love of my life.

We have been together just short of 4 years and the first 3 years we were in-seperable and so much i love but family problems which I always took upon my own shoulders would stress me out and I started picking arguments and getting angry with her and would say horrible things to her. Sometimes I would end the relationship in the heat of the moment but would not go through with it as I couldn't really live without her and she would beg me not to leave her. How could I do this to someone I love so much. Many times I would agree to go to anger management but it never happened. Arguments occurred more and more over trivial things and I finally pushed her to far as she ended it 2 weeks ago. My worst nightmares came true but I only had myself to blame. She says she still loves me but she says she is tired of it all and needs space and time to live her own life without me. She says we must go our separate ways and if we are meant to be will get back together, could be 1, 2 or 3 years down the line. The more I think of this the more I believe it will not happen but I have to give her the space she wants. Although she does not want anyone else she wants us both to meet other people and we will know if we are meant to be. I'm so afraid I have lost her, I had a good thing and I blew it and I would do anything to get her back but I'm totally lost. "You do not realize what you have got until it has gone" is so so true and I don't want anyone else. I wrote her a long letter outlining what I thought and how much she meant to me and how this split has woken me up and she said a lot of it was true and she has her doubts about ending it but she has to. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose her. I can't sleep, eat or motivate myself to do much. Its not the comfort zone I'm afraid of losing.

 

Can anyone shed some light?

[feelingsolow1607306447]

hey man seriously, and i mean seriously...we should find a way to chat directly. it's so scary that you just wrote all of that b/c you just described all and everything that i'm going thru exactly now. seriously, it's almost as if this connection was meant to occur. i don;t ever use computers for chatting purposes, but if you want to discuss some things send me a private response and we'll exchange #'s or something. i can't tell you what it means to me to read what you just wrote. i mean i am suffering exactly what you're suffering thru. anyway, we should definitely talk man. later man,

nick

[feelingsolow1607306447]

i just want to say how good i think these forums are for people in tight situations. i have never used anything like this but since i posted a few days ago there have been a few people who have expressed a willingness to help. anyway, just wanted to let those out there who are looking for help to know that this kind of thing helps when you feel like crap. it helps to talk and know that others can empathize.

[feelingsolow1607306447]

first of all, just wanted to express my sincere appreciation for the feedback. I wasn't sure how much (if any) appreciation for my side of the situation would be felt. When reading a lot of these posts I can tell that many of the members are women. I think that is why I was kind of worried/nervous about posting. I know that my verbal abusiveness has been plaguing my relationship w/ my girlfriend and I hate myself for having subjected her to it. She is the most wonderful girl and we have slowly been progressing into a friendship. As a I said before, we are doing this in a long-distance relationship which makes it even harder. Our spring breaks (which we had previously planned to spend together) are coming up here in about 3 weeks. So the question is...is it time to see each other now? It has been a week and a half since we have broken up, so by the time spring break comes it will have been a month. I'm sure she will want to see me, but I definitely do not want to go there and get sentimental and end up doing something that would end up hurting us like having sex. I do miss the intimacy, but she has asked for space and has said that we need to work on our friendship. For this reason, I would like to ask her a few weeks from now on a date. I would like to take her out to one of her favorite places, have a few drinks, take a quiet moonlit stroll and have a really good conversation, then end the night with a big hug and maybe a simple kiss on the cheek. At that point, I would drive home and call it a night. I feel that this would alleviate any stress as far as who would sleep where type of thing. I know this was long and drawn out, but I posed this scenario to the women (or guys who can relate) i guess to see if this kind of an approach would be most logical. I want her to understand first and foremost that I am not the typical guy who just misses the sex or something superficial like that. And at the same time, I want her to be able to see and appreciate the changes that I am making for myself. Any thoughts/suggestions/ideas? Thanks in advance,

Nick

[JiN]

feelingsolow, i have gotten myself into quite a similar predicament. my ex-g/f (long-distance, 3 years) and i became so close to each other that it just eventually turned into a brother/sister kind of relationship. it devasted me totally when she dumped me. we had planned out kids, futures, careers, etc. together and it seemed like we would live "happily ever after" ya know. then next week i find out she has a boyfriend and they've had sex. that caused me to be in a deep depression up until a couple weeks ago.

i hit the gym and took a totally positive spin on things (this site helped me out so much) and decided to move on. you have to cut off ALL contact with her for at least a few weeks cuz everytime u hear her voice it will upset you even more. when i made my one and only slip-up on calling her (don't make this mistake!) we set up a date to meet, and that is NEXT week. i'm totally not read[y to see her, but a mutual friend is coming in from out of town to visit the both of us. itz gonna be hard to keep up appearances in front of her. it was really correct before when someone said you have to act, in a sense, PERFECT. i'm not too sure if i can do that now cuz i've been heading in such a positive direction. so make sure the next time you see her you are psychologically ready to be around her in a totally different way. i guess we'll both see each other's conclusions soon enough. good luck everyone!

[ms anthrope]

the advice your gf is true. work on your issues. let her work on yours. she CAN fall back in love with you. all relationships go in a circle in a sense that sometimes it gets worse but it usually comes back around. look at the relationship you have with just your parents....sometimes you cant stand them...but you always go back to loving them. and so on and so on. but you have to change your anger issues for her to come back around. and she will if she sees a difference. but before ANYTHING...you two need good communication. that's why it's important to be just friends right now but DONT talk about each other's issues. that will only makes things worse and you'll argue. DO NOT EVER AGAIN throw the one night stand in her face....no matter how badly you want to. you will regret it. if you truly forgive her for that action then you have to move past it. and to truly forgive her for it means you have to let it go. you will never move past that as a couple if you continue to have actions like that. maybe she is doubting that she wants to end up with someone like that....that is why you must work on yourself.

 

ms

[SonnetCeles1607306441]

Please don't make the mistake my ex-lover made when he thought I would be on this pedastal forever.

 

Accept your girl for all that she is and the fact she may not be as angelic or perfect in your eyes as she is now.

 

If you truly love her as she probably truly loves you, you both will accept the faults you laid out against each other.

 

Love and acceptance goes hand in hand....

[SonnetCeles1607306441]

If you both cannot communicate your feelings, then it is time to move on.

 

There really is no magic formula but the general rule is to communicate to better one's undersstanding of one another, and most of all to treat each other with general acceptance even if you don't love each other anymore...

 

Rehashing feelings on how she did a b and c is not going to help either of you.