Traditional Roles in a Relationship

[vanbutterfly]

My partner has parents that do not follow the traditional role. This is ironic considering they both live in Russia. His father cooks, cleans, and works.

 

My partner and I met over 3 years ago and my partner migrated to Australia to be with me. It turns out that he will not marry me unless I cook, clean, and wash for him. I was brought up in a family where my mother took on a traditional role, and I choose to not. I love my partner very much, but I don't think I can take on that traditional role. I am the major income earner between the two of us, and I can't imagine living on one income. We don't even have a home and I have no idea how he thinks we would be able to get one on one income.

 

I feel hopeless and I don't know what to do. My mother says that he will change later on, but I don't want to wait so long, and I don't think he will. My partner will only wash the dishes about 3 times a week. He will not wash or do anything else. I don't mind doing the washing, but he won't help at all and claims he doesn't know how to wash (clothes) to be able to help. I offer to show him, but he isn't interested.

 

Sometimes I feel like he will find another Russian traditional girl and leave me as soon as he finds one. If that is what he wants, I guess I should accept it, but I would feel angry that he moved to Australia(only possible with my money and help) because Russia is worse, and that he has nothing to lose.

 

He is Orthodox and he says that all other religions are sects, and that there is still hope for me (to convert me). I was brought up Catholic, but do not follow it.

 

He needs to be the best in all, and he never respects anything I say. If I debate him on anything, he never believes or considers my view, and will only consider himself wrong if someone else confirms my view. He thinks that our education system is terrible compared to the Russian system , and thereforeeee my views are worth less since I would know less. That might be true, but I am getting tired of all this, and I feel hopeless. Truth is, I am more independent in life than he will ever be. I make things happen and I am willing to do what is needed to make it happen. He would have never left Russia if it wasn't me doing all the paperwork. I knew I could get it all done in a fraction of the time, so I did it.

 

If he looks at another girl, and I get angry, he says that he can look at whoever he wants.

 

Any comments or experience from others would be much appreciated!!

[tough_girl]

Well I don't really see where this relationship is going. He's has a one-way mind that will only take and not give. He thinks that women should do the cleaning and men should do the earning. Honestly, I would agree to that role if I was born in the 1600's. Now we've got our own system and confidence. I suppose that after he expects you to do the house-chores, he might be abusing you,saying that he can do whatever he wants.

 

I hate to say this but it's hard for a normal human to change,let alone that possesive partner you have. I don't think it's love he has for you but a need for a wife that would pick up after him.

 

If he really loves you, he would not have tried to make you convert and love you, no matter what religion you are in. If he loves you too, he would not try to change you into a homemaker.. He would want you to be happy if he feels that way about you.

 

He also has no rights to critisize you for what education you took and grew up in. He should respect you for who you are and grew up to be.

 

And believe me vanbutterfly, I trust you that you will be a better bread winner than he can be. He sounds like a lazy braat to me. All he's looking for is probably a maid that he doesn't have to pay for and I'm sure you don't want to be that maid.

 

Thus, after my long reply, you know what I'm going to advise you to do. Leave him... He's not worth it. You need and deserve someone better. Get over him. Telling you that it's his right to look at another girl might end up being his right to have another few wives without your consent.

 

So, before that happens, I suggest you leave him out of life. You will find someone better. Wish you good luck.

[vanbutterfly]

Thanks for the reply! He definitely does have a one-way mind. Just half an hour ago he told me that there is no point in me getting piano lessons because I would not be any good in it and I am too old to play (26). I don't want to be a 'champion'. I just want to learn something new. I don't know why he doesn't encourage me. He started swimming and likes to brag when he swims well in training, and I don't discourage him at all. I know he can't be some champion, but it doesn't matter. Why can't he understand? Why does he have to be so discouraging? And I am curious when he will change, and what will make him change.

 

It doesn't help too that a guy I know got an 'order bride' from Ukraine, and she does all the cooking and cleaning.. etc (Note: She doesn't work at all so has all the time in the world, and they have no kids), and I am sure this is what he wants. It's so depressing. The worst thing of all this, is that I am sure that I will be the one who misses him, and he won't give a damn and will just find someone else. He tells me that he is sure that there is someone better than me out there for him, because I am not perfect and he is sure there is someone else that he can be with that he has no arguments with.

[tough_girl]

Don't worry about him or whatever he says. I believe that no age is too old for learning. Go on with the piano class, don't give up. Even if he puts you down, I'll be cheering for you.

 

I think exactly what you are thinking. I don't think he'll ever change. People who are aware of their own mistakes will change but this guy doesn't see anything wrong with himself. If you stay with him, I have a feeling something bad is going to happen.

 

So just kick him out of your life please. I'm sure he wants that kind of order bride your friend got but please don't let him make you his order bride because you are so much better than that.

 

I understand that you'll miss him for the first few weeks or months because you have feelings unlike that demon who'll go find another woman. But there may be a chance that he beg you to take him in because no girl who'll be his order bride would ever have so much brain you have. Since I gather that he doesn't have a good job, you must have done all the paying for him.

 

If that's so. He'll have to live a poorer life without you and make it a reason to come back. Please do not agree to any of his plead.

 

If he says that you're not perfect, he must be the most unperfect person. No one is perfect. I have to agree to that but it doesn't make someone totally handicapped.

 

vanbutterfly, you need and deserve someone better. Please do me a favoor and leave him. You don't want to be with such a man.

 

 

 

1.the biggest risk is not taking one

2. maybe god wants us to meet a few wrong ones first so that we meet the right one, we'll know how to appreciate him

 

For the first few weeks, entertain yourself with your friends, sports or whatever that'll get your mind of him, except alcohol,drugs and suicide. You'll soon be able to see what jeerk he is.

 

Wish you good luck.

[Beec]

Something here has to change. Either he has to change his views, you have to change your views or the relationship has to end. From what you describe, he seems selfish, shallow or both.

 

His checking out other women is going to happen. It's going to happen when you are together. But, it should not be so open and notorious that it's an issue. My gf told me I've gotten major points for not ever doing that, but I do it all the time. I just don't do it so she notices. When I look, I make sure she is not looking at me or I look like I am looking at something else, not checking out what I am checking out. He can't help looking, but he should be able to do it so you don't see. Point is he doesn't care that you see, to him you should expect that he checks out other women. This is a step on the road to you being expected him to play hide the salami with other women.

 

The piano lessons versus swimming thing: I did it, a long time ago. It's not a sign of marturity.

 

He seems to think that because he wants something it's right and if you want soemthing he doesn't, then that's wrong. Unless this changes, you are unlikely to be happy with him. I think it is unlikely that you will change your attitude and be happy with him. A woman who at 26 wants to learn piano is someone with some ambition and desire, in your case other than being a homemaker / housewife / etc. Unless that desire is going to die, you won't be happy being in that role. Something has to give.

[tiger_lilies]

Your boyfriend is lazy and a loser for not making an effort in your relationship. He won't even try to learn how to clean his own clothes!!! He wants his cake and to eat it too!

 

Domestic work is apparently 1 out of 5 reasons that cause major issues in a relationship. If I were you, I'd tell him to get with the times and start pulling his own wieght around the house. It is totally unfair for him to make you take care of everything. If he thinks this way now, he'll be way worse when you guys get married. And then what about children? He'll probably expect you to take care of the children as well.

 

Bottom line is that he is not contributing to you with loveing effort. He doesn't respect you or your ideas. The piano lessons is a big red flag if I've ever seen one. Don't let your emotions blind you from what he really is. He's probably not going to change. I mean, he doesn't even support you when you want to improve yourself!

 

Maybe you need to break up with him for him to realize what he's losing.

You should have somone who wants to support you and to encourage you.

[vanbutterfly]

I noticed the first time I posted, and we broke up exactly one year on.

 

We were planning for his mum to come here from Russia. _I_ was more excited than he was. I wanted to buy a bed for her..he said no..and that she could sleep on the couch. I didn't understand this. He won't cook for her. _I_ had to. I don't understand this..this is HIS mum.

 

Anyway,..we argued because of this. When his mum finally came, my partner took a holiday to spend time with his mum. This is what happened:

 

- For over a month he was at home with his mum and he never cooked me anything for when I got home, but expected me to get home and cook for him

- His mother didn't help out with anything (fair enough, she is the guest)

- I cleaned the place up after both of them, and got angry at him for keeping it messy. He blamed me for getting angry at him. The last thing I need it to clean up after BOTh of them.

- His mum just wanted to go shopping and buy clothes and makeup. I kept asking them "what about her husband"..neither of them cared to buy him anything. Ok, this is my issue - taking responsibility of their issues (not caring about her husband), but this annoyed me so much

- His mum critisised the girls here at the gym, saying how the girls in Russia are tough, and she made fun of the gym class we went to. She had trouble with weights, and lied and said she didn't. My partner believed her and called me a liar. I was speachless...

- He listens to his mum regardling what clothes to buy . My opinion is nothing.

- Hi mother said that I SHOULD NEVER EVER cry in front of him. "He doesn't like to see anyone cry, and you should go in your room if you ned to cry"..I was speechless.

 

- This one is my favourite:

"If you go to a psychologist or doctor and get tablets (to calm my nerves), everything will be alright...

 

He left me as soon as his mum came here and we argued. They both accused me of causing scandles (when I said she had trouble at the gym after she made fun of it all).

 

I feel so angry.. I just wish this would end..

 

My father said that he will run back to me after his mum goes back to Russia. I hope so..but I wish too that I could move on and not care.

[Beec]

The way you describe him, too much of his world centers on his Mom, nto enough on you. You should move on.

[d346]

Argh! He sounds awful. I wouldn't even want to be his friend, much less date him!

 

Trust me, this is a blessing in disguise. It sounds like he has no respect for women, -and clearly doesn't understand them. He was probably pampered by his mother, and expects that kind of treatment from all other women. EXPECTS it, not earns it.

 

Let him go find a mail order bride. And you find someone who enjoys your company, your interests, and respects you! There are plenty out there!

 

you are sooo better off. Just think -what if you DID marry him, and his mom moved in? And you not only had to deal with her every day, but had to wait on her too. Go for your dreams now. This is your time!

[vanbutterfly]

I found a forum with Russian women, and read about Russian men, and I really wish I read them before I decided to be with my partner. I would not have listened of course and would have thought that this one will be fine..but anyway..

 

My parents say exactly the same thing...if I get back with him, and he brings his parents here, then I am in big trouble. I would have to clean after all of them, and cook for all of them while STILL knowing that I am nothing to him compared to them.

 

I can't wait until more time passes and everything is ok..

 

Thank you so much for all your posts!