...And the (wacky?) emails from the ex continue...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Actually, his behavior is turning stalkerish if he is demanding your schedule etc. There is a big difference in sending emails saying he loves you and sending emails where he is trying to control or scare you or force himself upon you.

 

The way the professionals handle stalkers is to give them a very clear rejection and put them on notice that their contact is not wanted, you will not tolerate it, nor ever have contact with them again.

 

Then you pull the plug, and refuse to have any contact whatsoever, ever again. If you think there is any potential at all that he might become violent, don't read his email if it upsets you, but perhaps forward it to a friend and have them screen it to make sure he isn't making threats of any kind that you need to take seriously. If he does, report him to the police, and they will contact him and tell him to knock it off, and that if he doesn't then he can be charged with stalking.

 

But the key is to not feed the fire. You can never respond to any contact ever again. If you wait for 50 emails before you respond, he has just learned it takes 50 emails to get what he wants, so he escalates. He is trying to control you and get a response, and the only way to show him he doesn't control you is to never respond, no matter how annoying he becomes.

 

If he starts showing up where you are, don't answer the door or let him in. Just slam the door in his face and say you will call the police if he doesn't go away within 5 seconds. Then do it if necessary.

 

Don't put yourself in harm's way. If he tries to approach you in public, drive to a public place or a police station and get out and run into the police station. He needs to get the point that he can't control you and that you see his behavior as aberrant enough you don't intend to tolerate it.

 

I'd like to tell you all stalkers are harmless, but most violent injuries and deaths are related to domestic violence and spurned lovers. So you must always take seriously any threats that involve hurting you or potentially hurting you, or signs that a person is becoming deranged in a way that might be harmful to you.

 

Demanding your schedule and talking as if you haven't even broken up makes me think he might have mental problems, so protect yourself by doing nothing to feed his flame, and referring him to authorities if he escalates beyond email, or to threatening email.

[dream83]

Excellent advice, BeStrong. I've been doing exactly what you've outlined, except I hadn't thought of letting a friend screen the emails. That's a good idea, too. It's been at least a month since I've answered him, and I don't plan to. I feel like he thinks he does control me in his twisted little mind, and that alone motivates me to not have contact with him. Only one email that he has sent has been about how he "loves" me. All the rest have been "This is why we broke up. I don't want a commitment, but let me spend time with you; I want you in my life, etc." And then that email is usually immediately followed by him saying something like "We're in this situation together," or him otherwise telling me how "miserable" he knows I am without him. He also has commonly emailed me to tell me about his day, how his work is going, etc....as if we're still together.

 

He always has a new ploy to try to get me to talk to him. At one point he acted as if he was having a nervous breakdown and I needed to "save" him. That passed. Before that he wrote an email that almost sounded as if he was implying that he might hurt himself or drink himself to death or something (he drinks a lot now...began before we broke up). He got over that. Now he's on the "The only way you can have any peace for a few weeks is if you respond to my email telling me something awful so that I'll get mad and stop writing for a little while." He's even asked me to tell him whenever I have a date because "he can handle it" and he wants to look out for my safety. Basically, it seems like this is all about attention and he wants it any way he can get it.

 

I'm sorry for rambling, but it helps me to be able to talk about all the weird stuff he does. Granted, he hasn't been violent per se, but I know that he drinks a lot (or he did leading up to our breakup; another reason why I decided to run like hell), and I know that he tends to get out of hand and conveniently forget everything that happens when he drinks. That alone is enough cause for me to feel like I can't rule anything out and I need to at least be onguard.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You're not rambling at all! I know how scary a stalker can be because i've had one myself. You really spend a lot of time questioning yourself because you can't believe they are acting this way and you wonder what to do about it. And women are taught to be polite and not be rude and to be careful of other people's feelings and blah blah blah. So sometimes that sets us up to be bullied by emotional terrorists and control freaks who don't take no for an answer.

 

He is really whipping out the full deck of bad behavior to try to control you: attempted bargaining, bullying, pity, manipulation, veiled threats. He's just rotating thru them trying to hit on something (anything!) that will get a response from you. That shows a ruthless self interest, and means that you shouldn't have one minute feeling guilty about totally blowing him off. He doesn't love you, he is obsessed with you (and with controlling you), and love and obsession are two different things.

 

The thing is it is pretty clear how manipulative ALL of it is, and he is focused on the one goal of getting what he wants, regardless of what you want. He really deserves no sympathy from you because he is invading your privacy and refusing to accept that you have a right to decide who you do and don't want in your life.

 

The part that disturbs me is him saying things like you need to tell him who you are dating and when because he can 'handle' it, and he wants to look out for your safety. But the truth is, it is the opposite of that, he can't handle it or why would he even be thinking about it or bringing it up? And how is he going to ensure your safety.. follow you around on your date? rough the guy up and threaten him?

 

That is really a bizarre thing for him to say and is again pointing to the fact that he IS having some really negative thoughts about you dating someone else, and is potentially thinking about trying to rough up or scare off his competition (or you if he gets you to tell him where you're going). It's pretty mental for an ex boyfriend to ask for your schedule of dating someone else! He is cloaking it behind this nonsense about 'ensuring your safety', but what he is really trying to do is manipulate you into telling him where you are going and with whom, so he can follow you or perhaps terrorize the guy you're dating to try to get him to stop dating you. He's not worried about your safety, he's worried about keeping other guys away from you.

 

There is just no logical reason why ANYONE would ask you to do that other than he's thinking is a bit deranged right now and he is obsessed with keeping other guys away from you.

 

So you do need to be on guard, and absolutely have no contact whatsoever to feed this. If he calls on the phone, hang up the second you hear his voice, and turn off the phone if he calls repeatedly. Never engage with him. If he starts showing up, then you will have to go to getting the police involved, to talk to him to tell him to knock it off because he has crossed the line to stalking you now.

 

There is a really good book called 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin deBecker who is an expert in protecting people from stalkers. You might want to read it to decide whether he is just a lovestruck fool or a potential dangerous person, as the book talks about how to evaluate that and how to deal with it.

[dream83]

You're the third person from here who has recommended that book, so I will have to pick it up the next time I'm out and near a bookstore.

 

You're absolutely right. Parts of what you wrote made me laugh...in a slightly nervous way...because I can picture him doing everything you described. The whole thing just gives me a really weird feeling in my stomach. Some of the things you said made me realize that I shouldn't feel bad about being concerned because this isn't normal behavior and he does seem at least slightly mental. That's what freaks me out. He's trying to get my attention however he can, but I really, really don't want him to try to confront me on the street or hang around outside and wait for me to get home. But, I wouldn't necessarily put any of those things past him. I just imagine him sitting at home or at work thinking of new extreme ways of trying to get to me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The interesting thing is that stalkers all seem to be crazy in the same way, but to a different degree... most of them are not violent enough to injure anybody, but they do have very recognizable patterns and methods and are intent on making someone else's life absolute hell to get what they want.

 

It's like a toddler with a very bad case of 'I want my mommy' who will stop at nothing to ensure they get what they want, from screaming to cajoling to pleading to kicking and biting, whatever it takes to terrorize someone into giving them what they want.

 

So depending on how sane they are, they can swing the pendulum from simple begging and pleading (which even normal people do during the stress of a breakup) to physical attacks on the person or the person's new date/partner or murder.

 

One reason I would be concerned was in your earlier thread before you broke up with him you talked about the Butt Burglar/Rump Ranger incident with him. That alone was VERY disturbing and showed his willingness to assault someone to get what he wanted.

 

He's basically in the process of attempting the same thing (metaphorically), forcing his way into your life whether you want him there or not. Willingness to do that type of behavior puts him way out there on the spectrum of what a person will do to get what he wants, physical assault. I mean, how on earth could he think that butt burglar incident was sexy or would make you inclined to accommodate him? He just either doesn't get what appropriate behavior is (and is not dangerous) or could be very dangerous under the wrong circumstances. Twisted men do sometimes try rape their ex-girlfriends, because it is about rage and dominance, so you don't want to ever put youself in a situation where you are alone with him or he can get into your house, since he basically tried to finger rape you before when you were with him.

 

He is playing a control game, but the solution to that from your perspective is to put yourself out of harm's reach and to not play his game. Don't be paralyzed by fear, but be proactive in protecting yourself. Some people will give up eventually if you are no fun playing, but others who are demented will do this for years.

 

So my advice is as long as he stays somewhere in the middle of the stalker spectrum, with no references to violence in his emails, and no attempts to show up to confront you, just ignore him and have someone monitor his email to see if any really aberrant stuff shows up in the email. But if he shows at your house, i would give him one warning (thru a closed door, don't open it) that you will call the police if he doesn't leave immediately and leave you alone, then if he won't leave or shows again, do it.

 

Normal people will absolutely go away if you threaten to call the police on them, so if he won't listen to that, the police do need to be involved.

[dream83]

That's a large contributor to the sick feeling I get in my stomach every time he contacts me. I KNOW that he is capable of being extremely ugly if given the "right" combination of factors. And the stalker behavior just seems to be a continuation of the crazy streak. That's also the reason why it's so easy for me to never talk to him again EVER. And the butt burglar thing is what makes this all the more twisted. I don't understand HOW he could even think that I would take him back after that and all the other insane behavior on his behalf that followed. I can't stand the thought of him touching me, and I blatantly told him that he would never touch me again. But yet he has no problem emailing me to basically tell me that he's horny!!??!? That alone is so twisted. What's more concerning is that I just don't know how much he's drinking now, but I'd imagine he's probably drinking even more since the breakup (drinking "liberates" him). The butt burglar thing was enough for me to call it quits, but it was just the final (huge) straw that broke the camel's back (clearly he's wacked and I just couldn't take it any more).

 

 

The fact that you mention that he could actually try to rape me literally has me terrified right now. I hadn't even thought of that (not that I would have allowed him near me in the first place). Eitherway, I won't put myself in a position to interact with him in person. My biggest concern has been that I would leave the house and come back and he would be there waiting for me, sitting in his car outside or whatever so that there is no door between us. At this point I wouldn't put it past him to hide in the bushes. That has been the ultimate bad scenario in my mind and I don't know what I would do or how I would get him to go away. I wouldn't want to talk to him face to face.

 

Anyhow, I'll try not to freak out too much and will continue to avoid contact, while keeping the police on speed dial should the need arise.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You know, the thing about crazy people is they think they are fine because their thinking is so distorted. There's an old joke that if you think you're crazy, you're probably not. Crazy people feel perfectly justified in their actions, and don't get how out there they really are when they're in the grips of a delusion.

 

He hasn't shown the inclination to try to attack you so far, which is a good thing. One reason to stay in no contact with him is that if manages to get to the point he talks to you and you reject him again, it ups his anger. Right now he is trying everything, but is pretty used to the no contact, even if he doesn't like it. So he's on a low boil rather than a high one as long as he has no contact with you.

 

Right now he is being more manipulative and bullying than anything. The women who get raped by exes usually have it happen when they let their ex into the house with them, or get in the car with them. He won't want to jump you in public, so I wouldn't worry if you don't let him in the house or get in a car with him.

 

If he does confront you outside, run towards other people, not away from them. Run towards the neighbors house screaming rather than trying to get into your own where you would be alone with him. And NEVER get in a car with him, because that is when most really bad things happen. He can take you somewhere isolated and not get caught that way.