I'm going to follow through with this

[LW4E]

Tuesday, Day 18

 

I dozed off on a bus today, and I had a really strange dream.

 

Before I get started on my day... I would just like to point out someting that happened at about 4:00 AM on this day. I was laying in bed and I was having so much trouble getting to sleep, I had slept for close to ten hours the night before and taken a three hour nap mid way through the day, so I was wide awake, but I wanted to go to sleep. Anyway, I was stuck thinking about my ex while I was trying to sleep, and then I started to think about the guy she left me for (I've known this guy three years longer than her.) And while I was thinking, something came back to me, it was a memory from when I first met this guy back in 2004. He told me that he worked in a hotel and there was a girl staying there that he liked, at the time, all he told me was that she had a Czech background and that she lived in the same country as him (England) and was just in town for a couple weeks.

 

A few months after he told me this, I sent him the link to my geocities page, he looked at my username on there and said "You have my girlfriend's name in your username." My username at the time was "lonewolf4eva7." I made a joke asking if his girlfriend's name was Lonewolf and he said "No, Eva." I said cool and asked him "Didn't you like some girl staying at your hotel a while ago?" and he said "Yeah, it's the same girl." Hey, I was happy for him, he got the girl he wanted.

 

about 9 or 10 months later, the owner of the website we were both part of had to go away for the day, so he asked me to post something for him early in the afternoon because he wouldn't be around to do it. So, I posted what he wanted me to, and the guy I mentioned before flipped on me for doing it. I couldn't understand why he was flipping on me, he didn't even ask me why it was posted so early or what business I had posting it, he just decided to start calling me an A-Kisser for no good reason and I didn't understand why.

 

Well, after that incident, he disappeared for a while, he vanished from msn and he vanished from the site we were a part of. A few months later, he re-appeared and apologized to me, re-joined the site and started going on msn more.

 

Now fast forward to the Summer of 2007, my ex went to the site's old boards and dug up that thread in which he flipped on me. She showed it to us and asked if we remembered it. Of course I did, I have a great memory, he remembered it too, he said "Yeah, I was a bit of a mess at the time, my girlfriend cheated on me with a Dutch guy (Hence why I hate all Dutch people) and I was just all over the place and taking my anger out on everyone around me. So now from this, I know he got with his girlfriend Eva in 2004, and she cheated on him not even a year later in 2005.

 

Well... When my ex asked him about the story, he told her something very different from what he told me. He told her that his last girlfriend cheated on him in 2005, quoted the time when he fought with me, so I know it's the same girl. Except, he told my ex that this woman's name was "Petra" and that he was with her for four years before she cheated on him and "broke his heart." So now... I question this woman's mere existence. Anybody else see a slew of red flags with this guy?

 

- He's 32, hitting on a 17 year old over the internet.

- He made up a disease and claimed that he couldn't fly alone and couldn't come to Canada to visit her, she instead would have to fly out to meet him first and then fly back.

- He's been caught in numerous lies.

- He talks behind my back, he takes shots at me, but when he has the chance to say something in a place where I can see it, he backs down, or says something like "If I have nothing nice to say, I'll say nothing" When I have a conversation log proving he likes talking behind my back.

- Did I mention he constantly told my ex that I'm a piece of * * * * ? I wonder why?

 

I just had to get all that off my chest... I've caught him in so many lies, but the feeling of castching him in a new one never dies.

 

Today I took a trip out of town to visit my friend, the bus rides there and back always give me plenty of time to think. Many of my great ideas come to me while I'm riding the bus, so I do tend to think heavily while riding the bus. Just like the other day, on the bus ride to my friend's place, I was thinking about how awesome it would be to get the hell out of Toronto and basically just leave most of my old life behind, since things here have sucked for a few years now, that's about all I thought about.

 

When I got to my friend's house, we watched MadTV and then went out to his backyard and enjoyed a fire and a conversation. IT's always unfortunante... whenever I try to talk to him, he's always stoned out of his mind and has nothing intelligent to say. He always says he's "So wise" when he's high, but to me he just sounds like an idiot. It started pouring rain so we went inside and played Mortal Kombat (Again.) I've never been so frustrated playing a video game in my life... long story. Anyway, I left his house at about 10:00 PM, hopped on the first bus home and thought more.

 

On the bus, my thinking didn't last long, because I dozed off a little bit and had a really strange dream. I was in a place that just didn't seem familiar at all... and I had a newborn son that I was raising by myself. In my dream, I wasn't any older or younger, I was just me... with a son, and during the dream I had a memory of a girl (Who I've never seen in my life) who left me alone with the baby. It was a really weird dream, I wish I knew what it meant though... I sure hope it's not one of my future-telling dreams though, because I manage to get those quite a bit.

 

Anyway, I got home, wrote a bit and when to bed.

 

Until Day 19... I'm almost there...

[LW4E]

Wednesday, Day 19

 

Things are starting to umm... suck.

 

Today I woke up pretty late (2:30 PM.) At close to six I called my friend and asked if he wanted to do something, he told me he'd call me back when he found out what he'd be doing. After close to an hour, I kinda lost hope in getting a call back from him, so I took my dog for a walk, I was going to stop at my grandmother's for a visit, I always enjoy myself when I visit her. On my walk I noticed a girl on my street, a girl I've never seen before, she was gorgeous... I wanted to stop and talk to her, normally I'm not good at talking to new people, so even if I did have the opportunity to speak to her, I would probably get all choked up and end up looking like an idiot Yeah, I'm really shy.

 

So I got around the block with my dog and was just about to head into my grandmother's street when my friend pulled up in his car, he honked at me and then made a U-Turn and headed back to my street.

 

We went to our friend's house as usual, we sat in the basement for about ten minutes before we went out for a drive. The drive was fun, we got to go by my old house... I miss my old house so much, in a weird way, it seems like everything began spinning out of control in 2006 when I left my old house I mean, my family started fighting, my friends started disappearing and most recently, my girlfriend left me... no wonder I want to move far far away.

 

Anyway, I am having a lot of trouble right now, I really, REALLY want to talk to her. I just want to see her, hear her voice, anything. When I got home tonight, I fought the temptation to call her or E-Mail her really hard. I really want to make it to the 30 day mark before putting my "plan" into action. But now it's starting to get really hard. Here I am biting my lip, trying to resist this unbearable urge to contact her... AARGH!!!

 

I'll be back tomorrow with Day 20... *Sigh* I've done just about everything I've wanted to do in this time... I got in quality time with my good friends... got in time with myself, and everyday I feel like I'm worth more to the world... but this just gets so hard sometimes.

[LW4E]

Update

 

I have reason to believe that my ex feels some annimosity toward me. To set the record straight about my standing here. I love her, I really do, I don't really want to get her back as much as I do want to feel better. One thing I don't want is to lose her as a friend, she is a great friend and it's always terrible for me when I lose a friend, I don't want to lose her from my life, but I've heard from a few people, as well as looked for myself and found there there is some illlegitimate annimosity that she feels toward me.

 

When there's a problem, I have to set it straight, I would like to meet with her ASAP to discuss some things because I really don't thnk she should be mad at me about anything.

 

I'll be breaking No Contact as son as I finish writing this, I'll be sending her an E-Mail which will begin to clear the air. I want to meet her and talk to her, because I know there are things I have done in this time that might make her question some things, and right now I just want to clear the air.

[LW4E]

Aftermath

 

I E-Mailed her and she never replied... so I knew something was wrong because we started NC on very good terms.

 

After waiting a considerable amount of time for a response, I started a conversatio nwith her on msn... this conversation was different than any other we have had since the break up... normally something would come up, I'd confront her about it and start a fight. This time, I told her that I made mistakes and didn't want to fight, she didn't seem to care as she continued to fight with me before eventually apologizing for the way she acted, claiming she "Just wanted to justify herself." We kept talking, without fighting... she told me that she had been out quite a lot and I was happy for her, she told me she was going out for a night of karaoke with some friends and her dad on Saturday night and I just felt good for her. then I told her that over the course of the last few weeks I made a lot of decisions in my life, I told her that I no longer love her and that I have no desire to even be with her anymore, then I told her that I'd only be in Toronto for one more year, because I have plans of moving to Calgary to go to college. She then told me that she won't be in Toronto much either, her dad is sending her to England for Christmas to meet her new boyfriend for the first time, and then in the Summer her boyfriend is taking her to France. This is when I knew I was truly over her, I hate her new boyfriend with a passion, I have caught him in a million and one lies over the last few months that she refuses to acknowledge, but when she told me of her plans, I couldn't care less... I felt relieved that I finally got closure on the matter and I could finally move on knowing the truth.

 

NOW

 

I have a new goal, I don't love my ex, but she's still in my heart, I'm able to go out, put a big smile on my face and know that I am not faking it. I know that this just marks the beginning of something new for me. So what I want to do now is work on my confidence, all my life I have had a problem approaching people, not just people I have a thing for... but anybody, I come close to having anxiety attacks when meeting new people and I want to shake this because it has really affected my social life.

 

I live in a town where there aren't many people my own age to talk to, there's a girl at the end of my street who I have a little crush on, I've only seen her a few times... never talked to her, but really want to.

 

Over the next couple days/weeks I'm going to try and get out more to places that are densely populated with people I can approach and talk to. With this in mind, I made plans with some friends to go to the mall this week (Either Thursday or Friday) but I'm going to try and get out before then. I might be going out for coffee with my ex on Monday or Tuesday (We haven't set a day yet) just to talk about things one last time, put it behind us and just find a common ground being friends... I don't want her to always be in my life, but I don't want her completely out of my life either, and I think I can meet her without losing my head, I'm no longer in love with her, so my stupid heart won't be taking control of me.

 

So I'm now going to be using this journal to document my growth as far as being a more sociable person goes. Any updates will be posted on here. I figuered, keeping this journal helped me so much through the time when I was in NC with my ex, while writing, it gave me a chance to reflect on things I did right and wrong and how I could improve, although I broke NC early, I feel great because I got closure, and now I can finally let go and move on for good.

 

So now, join me on a terrifying (for me) journey to become more sociable.