lostwithouthim Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Last night I went to a local festival--the first time I've been around such a large group of people from the community since shortly after his death. It's strange--I went out to a local museum event about 2 months after his death but nothing more than grocery shopping and about 5 dinners out since. I look back at last fall and realize I was in such utter shock both from his death and the accident itself that I went through the motions for a couple of months and then completely crashed just before Christmas. I have a business that is very much in the public eye as well as my past involvement in a couple of local organizations so I've feared going out into bigger crowds--don't want to answer the same questions over and over. I could regret saying this in another day or two, but surprisingly I had a decent time. I am surprised at how much space so many people gave me. Many people came up to me and told me it was good to see me and respected my 'space' for the most part. It will be 10 months next week and the last few weeks have been the best I've had yet from a productivity standpoint. I'm still having a difficult time grasping the whole 'death' thing--his, my own, those of loved ones in the future but I'm actually having moments when I don't obsess about it. Even if I fall back a few steps in the coming weeks, the fact that I've had these occasional moments is something I didn't think I'd experience ever again. The 1 yr anniversary may actually coincide with the beginning of the criminal trial against the drunk driver so I know that will be extremely difficult to relive, but these moments I'm having now are such a gift. I've even begun listening to music again and enjoying it instead of crying through it. I know that a significant reason I'm experiencing this is directly related to the anti-depressants I'm on and do worry a bit that I may not be 'facing' or 'dealing' with reality as much as I should right now. My sleeping habits really suck as well...lucky if I get 4 hours of solid sleep per night, but I definitely feel like I'm waking up from the deep depression I was in. Actually it sort of feels like what I would expect coming out of a coma would be like. I'm beginning to 'relearn' things--how to interact socially, how to function on a business level, how to set near term goals etc... Tomorrow is a big event at the business and I've honestly not been looking forward to it, but hopeful that last night's experience is representative of what I might experience tomorrow. We'll see... Link to comment
livinginsbi Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Who prescribed the anti depressants? When was the last time you spoke with the Dr that did? Have you been through grief counselling? Sounds to me like you may need some assistance... Link to comment
Stars_n_Guitars Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 Oh, dear! What are the reasons for you not going out? Any guilt associated with it? I can imagine(because i've never been in your situation) that it would be a horrible feeling to have to tell the story over and over and not only that, for people to ask how you are getting on! Just know that if people are asking and coming up to you, it's out of care for you. No one wants to make you feel bad but they are trying to make you feel better by implying that you aren't alone. I'd could be a positive thing that the trial and anniversary may coincide. Could allow you cope better. The anti-depressants-talk to your doctor about them, the affect they are having on your sleep and regular emotions, and your concerns. It's wonderful to hear that you are starting to enjoy music again. I've felt that before. Music was a big part of my life. I got into this depression where every song reminded me of a certain situation that devastated me. I cried at every song on the radio! It took some time to get the music back in my life, and when I was able to enjoy it again, LIFE seemed wonderful. Remember, you are allowed to have bad days! If you have one, two or several in a row, don't get discouraged! There's no timeline set on how to cope with the loss of a loved one! I hope the event goes well! Link to comment
KG Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 LWH, This is to be expected....you lost a big chunk of your life, and everything is different...on all levels. If you are getting out, that means you are healing, and beginning to function again. Don't push it, but do expect things to start getting easier.... I've 2 friends who have barely moved forward after 4 and 5 years, respectively, of losing their spouses....scary! Kepp on keeping on, is all. Best to you... KG Link to comment
lostwithouthim Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 Thanks for all the encouragement. I think part of the reason I've been making so much progress is that I'm trying to focus on 'other' things--work, eating right, exercise, house & yard work. A 'side effect' of doing those things is that they make me feel productive, which in turn makes me feel 'good' about myself. I have a session with my doctor in a couple of days and will talk to him about the meds--overall they are a good thing for me. My sleeping habits have been a bit 'off' since the accident in general so I'm not even sure the meds are responsible. The event last night went very well...and yes...there were many people there who asked the same questions, but I dealt with it pretty well. I took today 'off' and feel like I'm recharging myself. There was actually an article in the local paper yesterday about my 'return' to the business and it was incredibly sensitive and well written--I think that helped give many in the local community some perspective re: what the last 10 months have been like for me. I had to break out the summer clothes today and in doing so went through boxes that were mixed with both of our clothes. I was doing it quickly so I didn't feel myself getting emotional, but remember filing it away--I'd forgotten how much stuff I'll need to pick through at some point. I got a decent night's sleep last night (for the first time in weeks) and had a decent weekend--what more can I ask for right now? Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 LWH... I haven't seen you post in a bit, and since I haven't posted on any of your threads yet I wanted to say that you are incredibly brave, and it seems you are taking full advantage of all the resources you have to keep coping. This last thread of yours is a tremendously encouraging one, and quite an example for others who are struggling with the worst of pains and losses. I hope you'll update us soon, and congratulations on so many gains. Even in the short time you've been posting here, you've come a long, long way. Link to comment
lostwithouthim Posted July 25, 2008 Author Share Posted July 25, 2008 Thanks TofV and KG....it feels good on some level to hear this encouragement from someone other than my therapist. What you've both said is very encouraging because you didn't refer to it in the same way so many of my friends and family have. They throw around the word 'normal' all too often and my life will never be 'normal' again--at least not how I currently understand 'normal' to be. The meds definitely make things 'lighter' for me, but I still have moments. I drove up to the top of a mountain near town two nights ago to watch the sunset because I'd been thinking about him all day. I definitely felt his presense with me. I've also been spending a lot of time with a close friend who is in her last hours/days after battling cancer this last year and her partner. I'm 'OK' for a day or two as long as I'm keeping myself busy making meals, running errands, etc...but by the third day I have to 'escape' and distract myself from the situation--it just feels too close to home still and I have to remind myself that as much as I love them there is nothing wrong with stepping back for a bit and removing myself from the equation. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement--it does help! LWH Link to comment
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