How I Got Over My Ex and Pain Completely

[rjw524]

Hello,

 

My name is R.J. I'm a 33 years old male. I have visited this site often, but never as a member until now.

 

I have literally been crushed by heartbreak in my life. I have read the stories of many people on this site who have been broken up with or "dumped", and I can totally relate. As a matter of fact, I can do more than relate. My reactions to being dumped or rejected by people with whom I was in love, have been even more distressing and emotionally upheaving than many of the stories I have a read here.

 

Now, please understand, I am NOT trying to minimize anyone else's pain or heartbreak. Also, I'm not trying to "compare" depths of pain here. I am only attempting to demonstrate that I have been to "rock bottom" and I learned how to break it's oppressive and destructive hold.

 

I have been there...

 

1) Depression

2) Not wanting to live anymore

3) Staying in bed

4) Not eating

5) Being "obsessed" (I prefer to call it "fixated" on a certain person)

6) Not believing I could live or be happy with them

7) Feeling worthless, hopeless & unloveable

8) Wondering non-stop what I did wrong or how could "she" leave me so easily.

9) Giving away my dignity with repeated attempts to get the person back

10) Scheming and plotting

11) Losing my job on a couple of occasions due to an inability to concentrate on anything else other than the relationship.

12) Complete loss of self-esteem

13) Wondering if I was going crazy or losing my mind.

14) Not believing that I would find anyone else.

15) Feeling insecure, jealous, and wondering if she would ever call me or contact me again.

 

And more...lol

 

MY DISCLAIMER

 

I am NOT a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist of any kind. I have simply been where many of you are currently. AND I MADE IT OUT! I will also say that I never, EVER did anything remotely violent, or dangerous to any of the women I was involved with. I never resorted to stalking, threatening, or violence with anyone I dealt with. So, if you are experiencing these types of feelings or engaging in these kinds of behaviors I would seriously suggest that you see a professional.

 

Ok...now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get to the good stuff!

 

(it starts with the next post...)

[rjw524]

First of all, what we deal with goes by many names...

 

"Obsessive Love", "Love Addiction", "Manic Love", "Love Sickness", "Unrequited Love", "Person Addiction", "Dependent Personality Disorder", "Borderline Personality Disorder", "Attachment Disorder", "Rejection Sensitivity", "Separation Anxiety", "Fear of Rejection", "Fear of Abandonment", "Bipolar Disorder" (it's sometimes considered a symptom of the disorder due to the mood swings from euphoria when you think you have a shot with your ex, or the despair you feel when you face another rejection from the ex...)

 

And then there's my personal favorite: "Just Plain * * * * ing Psycho-Nuts"...(uhh...yeah...that's not an actual clinical diagnosis, but y'know.)

 

What? I'm the only one out here who was called this or thought it themselves! Whatever!

 

Anyway, I dealt with "whatever you wanna call it" for almost 10 years. Yes...10 * * * * ING YEARS! I read dozens of books on break-ups and relationships, self-help, improving self-esteem, etc. Literally, I had a mini-library on the subject.

 

Over the years, I took multiple anti-depressants and mood-stabilizers. I saw multiple psychiatrists, and psychologists and therapists. I even went to hypnotherapists TWICE! I questioned my childhood (which I thought was great!), my parents (who I love deeply) & their relationship (which is just fine), & my mother (don't you EVER let me hear you talk bad about my mama!

 

(I mean, it's not really therapy unless you find some way to blame it all on your mother, right?

 

None of it worked. And since nothing worked, I actually had to consider if I was truly crazy.

 

Looking back, I would honestly say that, in my case, psychotherapy left me worse off.

 

And, after ten years (and yes, I admit...this will sound abso- * * * * in-lutely ABSURD!) but I literally improved about 80% in THREE DAYS!)

 

Yes, 3 Days.

 

In Spanish: "Uno, Dos, Tres"

In French: "Un, Deux, Trois"

Japanese: "Iti, Ni, San"

In Sesame Street-ese: "1 day, ah-ah-ahhh...2 days ah-ah-ahhh...3 days ah-ah-ahhh"

 

So, I went a different route...

 

Now, what I'm going to talk about here will sound very similar to as "Behavior Therapy", ""Cognitive Behavioral Therapy", "Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy".

 

As for me, I personally NOW consider psychotherapy to be a complete joke.

 

You don't play poker by overly examining the cards you're holding. You don't look at that 2 of hearts and analyze and question why it isn't an ace of spades. NO! You just play your damn hand and try make everyone else at the table think you're holding a full-house!

 

If someone shot you, you wouldn't go through the business of trying to find out the caliber of the bullet and the type of gun that shot it and how it caused the damage that it caused...No! You stop the bleeding and repair the vital parts! In actuality, removing the bullet is not necessarily required.

 

Now, is there some benefit to knowing more about your personal history and how it impacted you? Sure. Is it curative? Absolutely not.

 

Knowing how the disease kills doesn't, by itself, cure the disease.

 

The disease in our case is very clever...it deceives you into thinking the cause of the pain is the person who broke your heart.

 

The truth is this plain...

 

The disease are YOUR THOUGHTS!

 

(To be continued)...

[rjw524]

See, what happens is this...

 

You get "dumped". Your lover wants out and tells you that they don't want to be with you any longer. Or seemingly even worse, you find out that they are in love with someone else. Your world falls apart. In an attempt to preserve your self-esteem you resort to one of two actions basic to sentient life: fight or flight...

 

"Fighters" try to win their ex back. They refuse to let go of the person because they believe that the person is essential to their sense of self. "Flighters" get angry with their ex, or immediately begin to think of them as an awful person in order to get away from them.

 

What's interesting is that neither those who fight or those who flee necessarily hold the advantage when it comes to moving on, or feeling better about themselves.

 

And in our society, the heartbroken are, for the most part, sympathized with (for a time at least). But everyone tells you the following:

 

"it's ok, you should feel bad".

"Yeah, I felt HORRIBLE when it happened to me"

"it's only natural to feel this way"

"well, you were in love, so the pain is a natural part of the process"

"you were too good for him anyway"

"she didn't deserve you"

"he's a total piece of * * * * !"

"she was a user, selfish * * * * * anyway!"

"Oh, you poor thing!"

"I completely understand"

"I went through it too!"

"We all go through it"

 

What is happening when people tell you these things is that they are literally reinforcing and validating what are in reality COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS!"

 

 

THE HUMAN BRAIN & LOVE

 

The first thing you have to understand is that the human brain is an absolutely marvelous piece of machinery. It's the pinnacle of creation. Nothing rivals it. It methods of self-preservation and survival are more elaborate than those of any other creature.

 

But because of our intelligence, self-awareness, and ability to CHOOSE instead of rely upon animalistic instinct, we also are the ONLY species who can actually CHOOSE to procreate. No other species can consciously make this choice...

 

So, since the procreation of the species is the overriding goal of all life, the human brain has to resort to some...very strange things.

 

That remarkably sophisticated, subconscious part of your brain that controls all of the functions vital to life (heart beating, breathing, elimination, etc) does what it feels is really in your best interest...

 

IT LITERALLY TAKES OVER AND DRIVES YOU TEMPORARILY INSANE!

 

It decides that your conscious choice-making faculties are actually working against your long term objectives now. It's similar to how when you consciously decide to hold your breath. After a certain amount of time your subconscious mind just takes over and says "ok that's enough...breathe stupid!"

 

It literally perceives the break-up to be an emergency of a life-threatening order.

 

So, your subconscious literally floods your conscious mind with very powerful, and convincing, yet COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL thoughts. As you give into these thoughts more and more, the thoughts become "beliefs".

 

You begin telling yourself the following:

 

* I can't live without her!

* I will never be able to be as happy without him!

* If he/she doesn't want to be with me, then I must be a deficient person!

* If I can't "make" him or her love me, then that means nobody else will either!

* I will never find someone I love as much as him or her.

* I'll never fall in love again.

* If he or she wants to be with someone else, then I must not be good enough for them (and thereforeee, anyone else)

* I always suffocate and chase away everyone I love

* I'm jealous of my ex's new relationship.

* I can't stand the thought of my ex having sex with someone else.

* My ex is so much more mature or stronger, or better than I am.

* I HAVE to get him/her back...

* But I'm STILL SO IN LOVE with him/her (this is actually NOT possible)

 

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE THOUGHTS ARE COMPLETELY, AND TOTALLY UNTRUE!

 

What your subconsicous mind is trying to do is send you an alarm. Imagine this ten step scenario:

 

1) You're driving on the street and you hear screeching tires, horns, screams and what sounds like a crash...

 

2) Your subconscious interprets this information from you and immediately sends out an alarm "SOMETHING'S WRONG! WE'RE IN DANGER!".

 

3) You become afraid and slightly panic. Your heart starts pounding.

 

4) You stop thinking about anything that was on your mind previously and focus exclusively on the scene.

 

5) You instinctively look around to see where the accident is to determine if it's potentially a threat to you. You check your mirrors and see in the rear view that the accident actually took place behind you...

 

6) Your conscious mind conveys the message "no threat...just a false alarm" to your subconscious.

 

7) Your subconscious still not totally giving you full relief says "are you sure? check again"

 

8) You check again just to be sure and then say "yeah, we're fine"

 

9) Your subconscious says "ok...carry on"

 

10) You stop worrying and go back to what you doing before, or you call someone and tell them what just happened.

 

In the case of a break-up your mind is doing the exact same thing. Your subconsicous is sending you a series of thoughts that are actually "false alarms" these alarms cause intense feelings to force you into action.

 

But here's the trick even though your subconscious has potentially made some associations to the event of being dumped that it considers undesirable, your subconscious mind IS ALWAYS RELYING ON YOUR CONSCIOUS OBSERVANT MIND FOR INFORMATION TO INTERPRET.

 

This means that your CONSCIOUS MIND MUST CONFIRM THE THREAT FOR YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND TO CONTINUE SOUNDING THE ALARM!

 

So, if you believe the alarm is real, then you will marshall all of your resources to put out the fire.

 

But...

 

If you recognize what your brain is trying to do and, through a form of questioning yourself, tell your brain "everything's ok...it's just a false alarm", eventually your brain will say..."oh, well, if you're sure, then ok..

 

Depending on the intensity and level of the threat, your mind will continue to sound the alarm until it learns that this person leaving is truly not a threat.

 

IT NEEDS YOU TO CONFIRM THE THREAT!

 

Next, I'll go through these irrational thoughts and a specific list of questions that will diffuse the emotions and stop the alarm.

[rjw524]

I refer to this as "The Trinity of Emotional Health":

 

1) It is my THOUGHTS and NOT external events that create my moods.

2) Specific kinds of negative thoughts create specific kinds of negative moods.

3) The negative thoughts that I have allowed myself to think are DISTORTED, AND UNREALISTIC, and UNTRUE.

 

So, your lover has left you...

 

Let's work through some of the most common irrational thoughts following the event of being dumped or rejected...

 

"BS" Alarm Thought: I can't live without him/her!

You: "Wait a minute...that's not true."

 

Alarm: "Of course it is! Why not?"

You: "Because, if we needed them, then we would have needed them from the moment we were born. If we 'needed' them, then everyone would need them, right? I mean, the only things we actually "need" are Oxygen, Food, & Water, right?

 

Alarm: Well, yes. But you know what I mean!

You: "No, I don't. I just explained what we needed. So, what do you mean?

 

Alarm: "I mean, that we really, really, want them!"

You: Well, 'wanting' and 'needing' are two completely different things.

 

Alarm: Ok, well, we really want him/her!

You: Why do we really want him/her though?

 

Alarm: "Because s/he made us happy!"

You: "That's not true. There were plenty of times that we were upset with him/her. There were plenty of times that even when we with him/her we still were unhappy about something."

 

Alarm: "When?"

You: "Now, you're just remembering what you want to remember. Remember when 1, 2, and 3, happened? So, they didn't make us happy. They were a part of our lives that overall we considered to be good?"

 

You: Also, we were happy PLENTY OF TIMES before we even met him/her.

 

Alarm: "Ok. But we still love them."

You: "Yes. I will admit that we still have feelings for them. But they are not the only person for whom we ever had strong feelings. Remember Julie, and Suzanne, and Keisha? We thought we were absolutely in love them, too."

 

Alarm: "Yes. But we won't ever love someone like this again."

You: "We've said that with others. And it wasn't true then, either. Right?"

 

Alarm: "Yes. I suppose that's right. But what if we never find someone else?"

You: "Well, would that kill us?"

 

Alarm: "No. It wouldn't."

You: "Also, based on my past experiences, it's completely unlikely to believe that I'll never fall in love again. Wouldn't you agree?"

 

Alarm: "Yes."

You: "So, this is just a false alarm."

 

Alarm: "Ok. I feel better now."

[sweet_kisses]

bump..this maybe of use to some

[jim355]

Have to read this later.

[Hopeless1234]

is there an abridged version of this?

[Maverick32x]

good read~

 

Makes a lot of sense... I actually have found myself literally talking to myself in my car outloud... helps send the message a bit clearer... as long as no one else is around me

[SULLY323]

I read this whole thing, and hoped it would help-but it lost me where most of these posts do. I just can't convince myself that it is a guarantee that there is some one better suited for me out there, and eventually we will meet, and the world will be better. If it took me 35 years of my life to find some one so compatible that we shared 9 happy years( and then 1 so-so year) together, ...who's to say that there is any chance of actually meeting someone else that is "perfect" for me, even if she does exist? And I don't take much comfort in the idea of a few years of your life will be good, followed by years of misery , only hoping to repeat the process. Some one telling me that I may be in hell for the next ten years before I find happiness again isn't very comforting.

[Hobbes]

good read~

 

Makes a lot of sense... I actually have found myself literally talking to myself in my car outloud... helps send the message a bit clearer... as long as no one else is around me

 

I still do this all the time. We were from different countries with different mother tongues but yea like a fool I am starting up conversations with her in my head, sometimes not even in my head. Next stop: funny farm!

[sweet_kisses]

I'm sorry you feel this way. Your right, there is no guarantee that there is someone else that is "perfect" for you, if "perfect" is what you are looking for. But then again, as the saying goes.. "if you want a guarantee, buy a toaster".

 

However, there is a guarantee that if you are wallowing in misery and self doubt for the next 10 years, that there is no perfect person for you out there.

[Hopeless1234]

"if you want a guarantee, buy a toaster".

 

is this really true?

 

i once bought a toaster that stopped working after a few weeks. couldn't find the receipt so ended up buying a new one.

[sweet_kisses]

good read~

 

Makes a lot of sense... I actually have found myself literally talking to myself in my car outloud... helps send the message a bit clearer... as long as no one else is around me

 

Yup, its basically like hundres of $$$ in congnitive therapy right there.

 

There are also plenty of other really neat tricks out there to get over emotional problem and phobias.

 

Like - replaying a painful situation in your head and making it really really vivid - for example, imagine your ex breaking up with you. All the feelings that go along with it and so on. And then in your imagination, put circus music in the background. Or give him a clown nose. And just keep imagining that.

 

This one guy I was briefly dating, I ran into him at a bar and he basically ignored me the entire night to talk to this other girl and when I was like * * * .. he told me to chill. I was soooo upset I decided to do the above.

 

Its bee like a year later and I still smirk everytime I try to remember that night. No painful memories at all.

[sweet_kisses]

is this really true?

 

i once bought a toaster that stopped working after a few weeks. couldn't find the receipt so ended up buying a new one.

 

LOL, fair enough.

[Mauxly]

I'm in CBT to get over this break up. Actually, I can honestly say that I WAS in CBT to get over this break up, it was so successful that I'm 98% over it already. This is an absolute record for me.

I highly highly recomend cognative behavioral thearapy over psychoanalysis for whatever you are suffering through. It really keeps the brain from skipping on that same grove over and over again.

[Hopeless1234]

finally got around to skimming through it since i wasn't going to find an abridged version of it.

 

i agree with someone else who posted before me, but i kinda fail to see the point (or at least a point that is really relevant).

 

i mentioned this in another post, but i REALLY think for majority of the people on here... the problem isn't that they REALLY think that they can't live without their ex. most of the people here have been down this road before. they've had their heart shattered to pieces in the past before. even if they refused to admit it for the time being, they know that with enough time this pain from this most recent heart-break will become more bearable.

 

the part that scares a lot of people, in my opinion, is whether they'd be able to find someone again that they would be able to have that connection with like they did with their ex. not to sound completely depressing here, but it is true that with age, it gets harder and harder to meet people. so with each unsuccessful relationship, the break-up is harder and harder to deal with because you begin to feel more and more hopeless.

 

i remember my first heart break back in high school. it hurt, but i got over it quickly because i knew that there were a lot more where she came from. however, my most recent break-up at the age of 31 is a bit more difficult to deal with because first, i really did think about marriage with her and second, the pool of available "good" women is significantly smaller than it was when i was in high school.

 

i agree that wallowing in the pain isn't going to get you anywhere. however, putting a nice bow and smiley faces all over the pain in the hopes of "masking" it isn't the answer either. i think it's very important that everyone goes through the appropriate grieving process at their own pace (rather than just trying to rush through it so they don't feel the pain) and recognizes/addresses the issues that resulted in the break-up to avoid reliving this experience again in the future.

[EQIQ]

I think that crying, grieving etc in the beginning is a good thing. You need to express your sense of loss, and your emotions. If you try to keep it all inside, it will slow down your healing. But after a while, you need to realize that you have done enough expressing, and it is time to get on with life. And I believe that the OP's idea of how to handle it makes a lot of sense.

Touching on something else. People that have this idea of a "soul mate", perfect mate, etc, have it soo much harder in moving on. Because you are holding on to this belief that you need to find a perfect partner, and when you think you did, and it doesn't work, it is devastating. There are about 7 billion people in the world, everyone is imperfect, has some sort of problem, and most has some sort of psychological problem, diagnosed or not. The society we live in, makes it near impossible to have a 100% healthy brain. When you give up this idea of a soul-mate, and think of all the other people out there, it makes much more sense that all it takes is some effort and time before you find someone who you can marry and spend the rest of your life with. This is possible, as long as both persons involved are willing to work through their problems in the relationship, and to have a real commitment. Hard to find, yes, impossible, no.

[Hopeless1234]

When you give up this idea of a soul-mate, and think of all the other people out there, it makes much more sense that all it takes is some effort and time before you find someone who you can marry and spend the rest of your life with. This is possible, as long as both persons involved are willing to work through their problems in the relationship, and to have a real commitment. Hard to find, yes, impossible, no.

 

unfortunately, there are plenty of people in this world that die alone. it's sad, but true nonetheless.

[atelis]

that's the typed of woe is me attitude that leaves people stuck in self defeating patterns of behaviour.

 

I completely agree with the OP here. Our subconscious mind is where the destructive and self defeating patterns come from. It's like a negative tape playing in your head all the time. If the message is constantly negative, then your actions and behaviour will follow suit.

 

Grieving is a very valid part of the healing process, but grieving without change means nothing, particularly when the event that led to the grieving was caused in many cases by our own poor choices. I'm a big believer that we sabotage our own happiness far too often and the only effective way to reverse that pattern is through sub conscious reprogramming. It takes effort and work and most people simply are not prepared to do that........they get 'comfortable' doing things the way they have always done them. Well is it any surprise then that the same mistakes get repeated over and over again?

[Hopeless1234]

Grieving is a very valid part of the healing process, but grieving without change means nothing, particularly when the event that led to the grieving was caused in many cases by our own poor choices. I'm a big believer that we sabotage our own happiness far too often and the only effective way to reverse that pattern is through sub conscious reprogramming.

 

isn't this what i said minus the "sub-conscious reprogramming"? well, if not, that's what i meant to say.

 

as for the "sub-conscious reprogramming" reversing our tendencies to sabotage our own happiness, i don't buy it. people have to make a CONSCIOUS awareness of their issues/problems/negative tendencies and make a CONSCIOUS decision to do something about it.

[AutumnBorn]

Hopeless, there's both a conscious and subconscious aspect. Positive self-talk is a valid therapy used successfully for years.

 

Some people get stuck in the sadness groove, just like an old, scratched phonograph record.

 

This can and does work. My ex was shattered post his moving out. He finally revealed that he thought of suicide constantly. I was sending him daily affirmations to help boost his mood. He's so much better, but has a new problem. His ego is so f'ing huge that he actually believes there isn't anybody worthy of his time and energy. He's kicking his latest f buddy to the curb. She's too attached and thinks they're having a relationship. She didn't get the memo regarding her status, apparently.

[atelis]

isn't this what i said minus the "sub-conscious reprogramming"? well, if not, that's what i meant to say.

 

as for the "sub-conscious reprogramming" reversing our tendencies to sabotage our own happiness, i don't buy it. people have to make a CONSCIOUS awareness of their issues/problems/negative tendencies and make a CONSCIOUS decision to do something about it.

 

for example, you said that with age, it becomes harder and harder to meet people. That is an example of unconscious programming and negative self defeating talk that just keeps playing in someone's head, but is not based on any fact or truth. It's simply someone's negative perception of a situation.

 

and comments like 'the available pool of good women is significantly smaller' is again not true......it's just another negative perception.

[Hopeless1234]

for example, you said that with age, it becomes harder and harder to meet people. That is an example of unconscious programming and negative self defeating talk that just keeps playing in someone's head, but is not based on any fact or truth. It's simply someone's negative perception of a situation.

 

and comments like 'the available pool of good women is significantly smaller' is again not true......it's just another negative perception.

 

you are kidding right?

 

i understand that what i said has a negative tone to it, but to say that the pool of available single women when i was in high school is the same as it is now when i'm 31 is not accurate either.

 

my point is this. as i had already said in an earlier comment, wallowing away in one's current misery is not going to do anyone any good. an ex will definitely not come back (nor any "normal" girl) because she feels "sorry" for your current misery. however, to tell someone that "they deserve better" or "you're money" or "there is plenty of more fish in the sea" or any other positive affirmation for the sake of "rushing" them out of their current state, IN MY OPINION, is unhealthy.

 

for MAJORITY of people on here, people will (in their own time) find the strength somewhere to pick up the pieces and to live their life again. many/most have been down this road before. personally, i think it's better that people wallow away a bit and reflect on what went wrong in the relationship. RARELY, will someone break up with someone who is a "perfect" boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband. i'm not in any way saying that all the blame is with the "dumpee". perhaps in certain situations the "dumper" definitely does deserve a lot more of the blame. however, i think it's very important that the "dumpee" realize their share of the blame in the break-up (as small as it may have been). i think this is necessary to avoid reliving the heart-break again in the future whether it's with the current ex or with someone new. encouraging the "dumpee" that they are these amazing people and to think positively and to simply move on, i think is doing them a great disservice. i do completely understand the intent behind these words though.

 

i'm only speaking from my experiences through my life (as the OP is speaking from his own experiences). as my screen name suggests i'm probably a very jaded person to begin with. having said that, what i've learned from my experiences is that had people around me just let me wallow away in my past miseries (no matter how long i seem to be taking) rather than feeding me these positive affirmations of myself and "convincing" me that i am a great catch and that i can do much better, things may have turned out differently for me and my current ex. i look back and i definitely had made the same mistake over and over again in every relationship. it isn't until now when i have refused to buy in to all the positive affirmations and allowed myself to wallow away in my misery that i have come to this realization. don't get me wrong. in no way, am i blaming anything on my friends/family around me. i know that they had honest and good intention and hated seeing me all depressed/miserable all the time.

 

so in conclusion, i actually encourage people to wallow away. i think people should come on to these forums and write for the billionth time how much they miss their ex and how they hate life right now. i say this because eventually MOST people do get better with time... at their own pace. what i encourage is that as they wallow away, do take the time to reflect on where things went wrong and what you could realistically learn from it. i think this self-reflection needs to be done while they are wallowing away because once people buy in to all the positive affirmations and feel good about themselves, it'll take a real special person to be able to/want to look back on the relationship and realize/admit to their share of the mistake.

 

in all honesty, i'm sure the "correct" answer is somewhere between my utter jadedness/apathy/insouciance and others' overly optimistic exuberance.

[Hopeless1234]

you are kidding right?

 

i understand that what i said has a negative tone to it, but to say that the pool of available single women when i was in high school is the same as it is now when i'm 31 is not accurate either.

 

 

i'm talking about women in the date-able age group. i agree that the rate of population growth has grown exponentially since i was in high school and i'm sure there are more female (in terms of absolute number) on earth than there were when i was in high school. however, i stick to my earlier point that the pool of available single women is significantly smaller now that i'm 31 than it was when i was in high school.... of course unless i want to take the chance of being charged as a pedophile, but i have no such desires.

[soheartbroken]

This is a pretty good post.

 

Everybody says to grieve but not to wallow. Perhaps part of grieving is wallowing for a while though. I don't know the answer. I seem to be "wallowing" at this point, kind of beating myself up for mistakes that I made.

 

It's so frustrating not to know the "answer" as to how best to recover. Say we use the CBT method, change our thinking, work out, feel good about ourselves, and recover apparently more quickly than those who "wallow". But this same person may then repeat the same mistakes again.

 

The person who wallows is in distress longer, but may come out of it better in the long run. Or maybe not.

 

There is NO answer. So tough to know what to do.