why do what you did

[pyroj]

First off i would like to say that i am brand new to this so i am sorry if i sound like i am running on and i am also a horrible speller. that said i will start my sorry

 

I live i Bradenton fl and am 24 years old i have been married for 4 years and have a wonderful 2 year old son. This is also my second marrige.LOL. My first marrige ended becasue 1 we were to young 2 she had a really bad drug addiction that she was unable to control.but that is not the problem at had . Our relationship (current marrige) was perfect in every way there was so much love it was not even funny.We were trying to figure out a way to get ahead in life starting off with the right thing to do like your parents always to you you know.So we decided i should join the Military a resonsible decison on both our parts cause at the time i was working 2 full time jobs and 1 part time job all becasue she wanted to be a stay at home mom and house wife which i honestly didnt mind i love it no matter how much work i had to do to make ends meat. fast forward it was 8 days before i was schedualled to ship out that i found out that my wife had been having an affair for the past month with a close friend the had secartly hooked up while i was at work , out fishing with my son, anytime she knew i was not going to be around i had suspected something and everytime i would ask her about anything she would turn it around and get mad at me for not trusting her or she would say i am the most wonderful man in the world and why would she risk losing me and our son for a stupid fling she would even sing the song "when i think about cheating" by gretchen wilson to ease my fears , i guess it just pisses me off that she lied to me so easy. when i found out she said she was sorry and the normal tears and promises of never doing it again followed but when i asked her about the details she just said she was depressed and dosent remember any of it . i find that very hard to believe because it was so natural to hide it and cover it up SHE HAS TO remember i refuse to believe she dosent . all i wanted to do was to kill him becasue he knew me and us and i know it was her fault but i could never hit a woman but i could not fight him becase i was shipping out and if i got arrested i would be in trouble with the military after a month in the service i got sent home and now she acts like nothing happen at all i told her i forgive her but i dont i cant all i see when i look at her is him and her him touching her in everyway i cant do it but i was to so bad i was us to work especially for our son but i dont know how please help me PLEASE thank you for listing i guess i just dont know what to do becasure i can talk to anyone cause she dosent want anyone to know because her family will disown her i just dont know what to do i am so depressed about it and not being man enough to fight him for fear that i will kill him cause i honestly dont know if i would be able to stop hitting him for ruining my perfection

[Overburdened]

I guess I don't understand why you are so angry with him considering your wife did it behind your back.

She seems very manipulative and I don't think you will ever trust her, so you should probably "push her away." People who lie to the ones they love are selfish. Nobody deserves to be lied to in a marriage and once its done, its over. That is... if you wanted mutual monogamy...

[Aldo25]

You have no reason to ever trust her again. Get out while you can. You're in the military, make a fresh start, and only communicated about the kids, break all other contact.

[heavenearth]

A topic to be careful about, I can't decide for you whether you should leave or not or whether or not you should stay for the sake of the kid.

 

It's both the other guy's fault as much as your wife, more on your wife part. Best revenge is to move on, let him have the woman that cheats on her man they'll make a good match cheating on each other.

 

"You" deserve better, the thing you should be concerned the most at this stage is yourself and your kid, not him, not her.

[LifesontheUp]

I so sorry you are going through this pyroj, its a very emotional and hard period in your life without a doubt. You will go from being ok one minute to extremely distraught and upset the next. But it does get easier in time, once the shock wears off and you start to deal with the situation.

 

Its not unusual for people who have affairs to tell their husband/wife/partner that they don't remember any of it. Quite frankly, from my experience they are lying, they are telling you that to stop you finding out any more details of their behaviour. It could be because your wife doesn't want to upset you further or is afraid you will dump her. Could even be that she is not sorry for what she did but sorry that she was found out.

 

IMHO, being open and honest when the affair is found out is very very important. It shows the betrayed spouse/partner that they want to deal with the issue and lay the foundations for trying to rebuild the marriage which has been completely shattered by the lies and deceit.

 

Your wife is either in denial and trying to forget about it or I hate to say it still carrying on.

 

If you want to try and make this work, you at least have to deal with why your wife did what she did. Have you suggested marriage counselling? Is she agreeable? Perhaps through counselling you can get to the bottom of why your wife had the affair. It is so important that you get the reason(s) or this could very well happen again.

 

For me, I eventually decided I didn't want to be married anymore. I didn't want to be with someone who could treat me so badly, who also in the beginning couldn't remember what he had done

 

Its not easy to repair a marriage after an affair, it takes hard work from both partners, but it can be done and there are people who have gone through this and come out the other end. It depends on what you want to do. It took me a good 6 months to decide....so don't rush into any major decisions at this point, its still new and raw. I wish you luck on this rollercoaster ride.