UPDATE I'm Pregnant and He Hates Me

[nagol818]

Hi again. I think my post has fallen off because I can't find it but really I'm not sure. So, please forgive me if it's still somewhere.

 

For those of you who recall my post I wanted to give you an update as to what has happened since then and maybe seek a little more advice if anyone has any to offer although I doubt there is much more to say other than to give him time. Ultimately I would like this guy to be here for me. Preferably marry me. I am trying to take everything he is saying as a grain of salt. I understand that he is scared, shocked and quite upset as I am. This guy has always tended to speak before he thinks. So I am hoping that once he thinks about all of this he will regroup and be realistic.

 

The father and I went to get the pregnancy test done AGAIN on December 22 at his request. Along with having the standard urine test done I also took the results from the blood test I received the prior week because he didn't know how to read it. A nurse was on staff to review the blood test and confirmed it was positive. We met with a counselor which I think is standard policy. We were in this place for 3 hours. The counselor talked to us about where each of us stands regarding this baby. Remember he is 39 years old!! His attitude was embarrassing along with down right mean and cruel. He said that he NEVER wants to hear from me or my family again. He wants me to get an abortion and if I decide to keep it he WILL NOT be there for me. The counselor was subtly dropping him little hints that he was being extremely childish. For example: He called our baby "the baby" and she responded back, "NO, not THE baby, YOUR baby, YOUR baby" while pointing at him. At another point during the discussion she would turn to me and say that she has seen teenagers in the same situation act more maturely than this. She asked me what 3 qualities I liked best about him and I named them; one of them being integrity. She asked me if I still felt he possesses the same 3 and I said definitely not integrity. She asked me what integrity means to me and I reiterate, a steadfast adherence to a strict moral and ethical code, which is the same as what the dictionary says. She asks me why I don't feel that he has integrity and I say, "you can't choose who you have integrity for, it's accross the board. You treat everyone with integrity or you don't possess it." She doesn't ask him the same question. She asked him how his parents will feel about his attitude and he responds, "I am their beloved son. They will go along with whatever I want." Before the session ended, the counselor brought up the words controlling and narcisistic due to his "look what you have done to me" attitude. He said that I am psycho because he has done his research on me. In the end he walked out but not before grunting, "Go ahead, take her side!!" I copied my HELP!! I'm Pregnant and He Hates Me post onto a CD. I took it to the meeting with us. I explained to him that I thought it would be a good idea to get some impartial advice but he wouldn't take the CD. He left it there when he stormed out. Should I send it to his parents?

 

He is trying to dig up dirt about me by calling my ex-boyfriend. He asked him all kinds of questions. He wanted to take him out to dinner and for drinks. My ex wouldn't go. The only thing I can think of as to why he is calling my ex-boyfriend is that he is trying to justify his actions of not being here for me by finding dirt so he can call me psycho.

 

He is far far away right now visiting his parents in Canada(he's Canadian). I am just wondering what his parents will think of all of this. They are 70 year old Catholics. This guy is an only child whose mother was a stay at home mom. I guess it will depend on what he is telling them. I have never had the opportunity to meet them which is definitely not to my benefit. I have a letter that I wrote to send them once I know he is back in the states because I have a feeling he will be PISSED that I sent them this. I tried to cover things in this letter that I feel would be his argument to his parents for not being there for me. I plan on handwriting it on pretty stationary. I would like you to review it and give me your advice on things I should add or delete from the letter. I will call the father Sam.

 

Dear Mr & Mrs Sam,

 

You may find this letter disturbing but it will not measure up to the distressful situation I have been left with. Sam has confirmed to me that you are aware of my pregnancy. On Monday December 22 at Sam's insistance we visited Morning Star Pregnancy Center where, once again, my pregnancy was confirmed. The center's procedure requires both participants to meet with one of their counselors. Sam's responses and his behavior caused me to be shocked and deeply saddened. Although he bares equal responsibility in this matter he indicated that he wishes to never hear from me or any of my family members again. The counselor asked him what he thought his parents would think of his attitude and his response was, "I am their beloved son and they will go along with whatever I want." The counselor was appalled at his attitude and childish behavior. She indicated to us that she has dealt with teenagers in the same situation who showed far more maturity. During the course of the meeting he accused me of being a liar and psycho. I don't think I fit that mold. He stated during this meeting that we haven't been going out since my sister's wedding which was at the end of August. I explained to the counselor that I beg to differ. At no time was it indicated to me that we were not going out and we didn't do anything different that we hadn't done in the past year of our relationship so if he says we weren't going out then I have no choice but to believe that he was leading me on.

 

Sam has contacted several of my family members and prior boyfriend making them aware of the situation without consulting me. All of my family adored Sam and have had over a year to, what they thought was, get to know him. They were very generous and gracious to him and considered him a part of the family but they are sadly disappointed in this 39 year old man's attitude and failure to assume responsibility as I'm sure you will be. He was absolutely wonderful to my daughter and we both loved him very, very much. I offered to move out west with him so he could continue his career and possibly be closer to you.

 

I have heard many fabulous things about you and regret that we never had the opportunity to meet. I am sending this letter to you with regret that I need to relate these unpleasant events to you but someone needs to give Sam some direction and perhaps restore a christian attitude he may have had at one time.

 

Sincerely,

____________

[avman]

Hello nagol818,

 

Well I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I would expect far more from a 39 year old but unfortunately I have a 46 year old cousin who is probably even more childish than this guy. So I guess there really are a lot of these type of people out there.

 

Ok, so obviously this guy will be zero help to you. Thats been clearly established. So the decision about the baby is 100% yours. Assume he will not be in yours or the babys life at all. Are you ready to raise the baby alone? Realize that you WILL get child support from this guy whether he is willing or not. The state will help you do this because they are very interested in making sure your child is supported (otherwise the state has to do it!). So this guy doesn't want to hear from you - well too bad. Once the baby is born, file a paternity action and a child support case. He will have to also pay part of your pregnancy expenses.

 

I think your letter is fine as it is. But I wouldn't expect to hear anything from his parents. If it makes you feel better to send it though - then please do. At least you will get one chance to tell your side of the story.

 

Thank GOD you didn't end up moving to be with this man or even worse - marrying him. If he continues harassing your family, get a restraining order. Continue the counseling for yourself so that you can make an informed decision. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MARRY THIS GUY. He shown his true colors under stress. I could understand being shocked for the first day, but for crying out loud the guy is 39 not 16. He should be able to handle this situation without going crazy like he has.

 

Well I wrote a novel here, but I hope this helps you. Please let us know what else we can do for you.

 

avman

[Mar]

I agree 100% with Avman-his behavior and attitude have gotten WORSE in this situation rather than better. I wouldn't bet money that he'll "come to his senses" about this at all.

 

If he's THAT threatened by taking some responsibility for his actions, then don't pursue him in any way except legally. As Avman said, he does have to pay child support, while he many not like it. I also think the restraining order is a wise idea-who is this man to go to your ex and try to dig up dirt on you, or harass your family? How could that possibly help him? His lack of maturity astounds me, quite honestly. No mature man would call someone they'd supposedly loved "psycho" over getting pregnant, when he shared the blame!

 

You're in this one alone, and have to face some major decisions. No, it won't be easy, but you'll at least have the support of your family and friends to help you get through it. But as far as this man is concerned, you have no further need of him, except in the financial sense. It would serve you well to stay away from him before he attempts any further damage and keep your distance. You'll not be getting any emotional support or understanding, he's made that very clear.

 

As far as the letter goes, it's not a bad idea, but I wouldn't expect much feedback from it. It sounds as though his parents spoiled him rotten and he is their baby boy/can do no wrong. You'll most likely be portrayed as the villainess, and I wouldn't expect much help from them either.

 

I feel for you in this situation, and hope very much that those who love you can give you the support you're missing from this baby's father. And we're always here if you need to talk!

 

Mar

[The Morrigan]

Hey... honey, I agree with avman 100%.

 

This has just become your decision, since this guy wants no part in it. That's fine, talk to the counselor, figure out what you want to do, if there's any question, and figure out the things you need to do to be prepared to take care of your forthcoming child. Bear in mind - whether or not he WANTS to be responsible is beside the point, as was said, he WILL help pay to support his child, and if he had an ounce of common sense (which I'm really doubting), he'd look into the base amount in your state himself and start making those arrangements so the state wouldn't have to enforce it.

 

I know it has to be difficult seeing this man in this light after thinking you knew him so well. But think - is this the kind of maturity you want displayed to your children as teens if they get in trouble? Can you trust him not to throw the fact that this pregancy wasn't planned in this child's face? Trust him not to cheat on you again and leave you to the raising of your kids alone - but without even the guarantee he'd be responsible enough to make sure you and the kids came first financially? Is this really the kind of behaviour you want to tie yourself to for the rest of your life? I've said it about abusers - but it holds true for ALL people - they can only change if they WANT to, no amount of love can change someone who doesn't want to make the change themselves. And it seems right now, he has NO inclination to change one whit. Why make excuses for his behaviour when he can't even be bothered to excuse it for himself? If he speaks before he thinks under stress - can you imagine what he might say if your daughter (and I hope it doesn't happen) got pregnant young? He's not even willing to listen to a COUNSELOR without acting like a sulky 12 year old (except my 11 year old would be insulted by that), if he can't even grant a professional some respect, and have her words make him think, you think he's going to listen to anyone else? You have a child, and another on the way - surely you don't need a third in a grown man's body to raise - you want a partner you can trust.

 

YES, his parents deserve to know the truth - that they have a grandchild on the way - but I'd also respectfully suggest you offer them the chance to know their grandchild - whether they take you up on it or not is their problem, but they're probably well aware of their son's faults, they're in their 70's, and it would be a kind gesture on your part, as well as a mature one. And they may well want to get to know their grandchild - there are many grandparents who have way more contact with their grandkids than the father, and don't know how their own child could act in the ways they do. Don't count on them to be able to influence his actions though - if he's acting like this towards the situation, he's likely to act like this towards them as well.

 

You're only responsible for you and your children - not for this man who seems unwilling to grow up. Don't make yourself feel responsbile for his reactions - you're not, not at all. You have quite enough to handle without trying to take responsibility for him - let him learn his lessons the hard way, or he won't learn at all. Right now concentrate on taking care of you, and making sure you're in the best frame of mind possible for your daughter and the child growing in you.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[Ash]

The initial thread is at:

link removed

 

How is it you want him to be? You haven't really said, although I know before you wanted to get him back, and for you two to have your baby together. Certainly, that would seem what the counselor you saw was investigating as well.

 

It does seem like he's pushing back even harder now, not wanting to either accept what has happened, or accept his part in it. If he discusses it with his parents, and they're as you say, he may very well get his butt handed back to him. Parents are very supportive to a point, but if a certain line is crossed, who knows. I certainly can't see them agreeing with everything he has to say unless he only gives them bits and pieces.

 

Although I thoroughly understand your need to want to write and send that letter, I would suggest you take a little while to consider it. What would your hope be that the letter accomplishes? If you were writing to appeal to them to try and help the two of you get back together, then it would be one thing. But it seems like you're filling them in on recent events from your perspective, and although it may be perfectly accurate and honest, I suspect somehow it will make things worse.

 

If you decide, or are forced to continue on your own, and he continues to badger or complain or harass you about anything, then you may want to send the letter in an attempt to get him to back off.

 

If you're going to wait for him to come around, I don't think that will happen overnight. I suspect now you're talking a period of weeks before things will calm enough in his head for him to be the least bit reasonable. In other words, consider trying the no contact route and see what happens.

[Asha]

Your child is now your priority, I understand what you are going through but you will have to calm down, you have a supporting family and probably more people around you, you will not be alone, your child will accompany you and give you the joy that your ex partner didn't. Take this time to enjoy your pregnancy and your child that grows in you, s/he doesn't have the fault to have an inmature father but needs a loving mother. Try to calm down and take care of yourself and your child, everything else is secondary now. Best wishes.