When NC turns into plain old ignoring the ex!

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Al those of you who's ex's have tried contacting you and you have "maintained NC" even though you were secretly thrilled they phoned/texted/emailed you.............

 

Have you been ignoring their contact, or politely pushed them back into NC?

[mfurb33]

I told my ex-fiancee (we had an amicable (sp?) break up, mind you) not to contact me unless she wants to give things another chance...and she ended up leaving me a lovey letter for my b-day 4 days later. Trust me, it did NOT make me feel good. It put me in (yet another) emotional spin for a couple of days and then ended up p*ssing me off. Crumpled it up, threw it away, and did not reply.

 

There is no reason to be "thrilled" if someone who didn't want to be with you in the first place tries to contact you if it's nothing but "let's get back together". Period. Even then, I'd be leary.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

You said the letter was lovely..........?

[jettison]

NC can easily end up backfiring on someone. If you are conscious of NC, then it stands to reason that a big part of you is doing NC because, deep down, you REALLY want them around. You are actually conducting an opposite experiment as if you were George Castanza on Seinfeld. Everything tells you "must be with this person" so you do the opposite extreme, hoping for some kind of positive result.

 

You can say "I'm just doing NC for myself.... so that I can truly heal and move on", but more times then not, I'm betting that has the nuances of a small fib contained within. I think that most people go NC so that they can convince the other that they have somehow blown it, that they have jettisoned a perfectly fantastic person from their lives, and that it wasn certainly some kind of grave mistake.

 

Really, I don't think it works much. NC does have a consequence... You drift apart. The person eventually disappears from your life. Especially considering this person was already willing to give you up, it's not a stretch that they will also be willing to give up a person who they no longer even associate with. It's really not that much of a leap.

[mfurb33]

"lovey"...not lovely...Yes, it was. Like I said, our split (we were together 4-1/2 years) was very tame and friendly. She gave the ol' "I need time for 'me'" excuse and I said "go find yourself...but if we're splitting, I'm gonna' be a ghost, and I don't want to hear from you unless it's to get back together". I laid down the rules, she broke them. I need her to be non-existant for me to heal...which is the purpose of NC. The way I look at it is that letter was a way to keep me "hanging on" a little bit in case her greener grass doesn't work out. Though it was a lovey-dovey letter, it messed with me because why be so sweet and yet not want to be with me any more? It sent my mind spinning...my emotions fluttered...it hurt me again.

 

I totally understand how someone could think, "well, why wouldn't you be happy if you got a letter like that?!" To which I reiterate, the person does not want to be with me...so why should I be happy about that?

 

I don't want to hang on to false hope, because it keeps me stationary in my life, and I can't move on. It's a very tough thing to grasp when going through something like this, I know...but emotions can cloud your rationale.

[jettison]

I told my ex-fiancee (we had an amicable (sp?) break up, mind you) not to contact me unless she wants to give things another chance...and she ended up leaving me a lovey letter for my b-day 4 days later. Trust me, it did NOT make me feel good. It put me in (yet another) emotional spin for a couple of days and then ended up p*ssing me off. Crumpled it up, threw it away, and did not reply.

 

There is no reason to be "thrilled" if someone who didn't want to be with you in the first place tries to contact you if it's nothing but "let's get back together". Period. Even then, I'd be leary.

 

I think that "don't contact me unless you adhere to these parameters" is just emotional blackmail. It's like you're trapping the person somehow, and who falls back in love with someone attempting to trap them? I've rarely heard of this working except in the most desperate cases, and who wants to date a desperate person? I'd pass on that one.

 

Emotional ultimatums can seem like such a great idea as the little seeds are hatching in your brain, but for practical purposes, they are a lover's kiss of death. Freedom is love. Fear is the opposite of love. You should never forget that when you're busy concocting your emotional elixirs, trying to find all those right ingredients for some new kind of magic.

[feelinblu]

Honestly I like the way you look at things. I wish I had that same kind of "move forward" attitude that you do. I'm working on it.......

 

 

But are you sure she doesn't want to get back together? I don't know what the details of the lovey letter were, but maybe it was her way of saying she wants to try again...... she may just be being a wimp and testing the waters. I could be completely wrong though.

[mfurb33]

Forgive me for the lack of background, but I don't want to hijack this persons thread...

 

For starters, this is in no way "emotional blackmail"...I can say this because she and I went thru, ohhhhhh, 2 months or so of "together or break-up" stuff, which I was MAJORLY screwed up. Didn't eat, didn't sleep...so this attitude that I have now was nowhere to be seen for quite awhile. I was a mess because the relationship was in limbo. I gave her PLENTY of opportunity to reconcile and move forward, but she did not want that. She made it very clear that this was done...that there was no other way. So, with that said (if she meant for me to stick around and work on it, why not say that?), I simply requested the no-contact from her so that I can heal and move on from a break-up. If I continue to talk to her, how can I move on if I have feelings (which she knows I do)? I just can't do that. In time, when those feelings fade, I hope that I can chat with her and be friends, because we shared so much for so long.

 

Jettison, you said, "It's like you're trapping the person somehow, and who falls back in love with someone attempting to trap them?"...If someone wants to break up so they can fall back in love...that just doesn't seem right to me. Keeping in mind that I was the one broken up with, ultimately.

[deang]

NC is for you to get your act together and there is the side benefit that can get the ex thinking about you and not as emotional support...to say it doesn't work much is missing the point entirely. The most beneficial thing is it lets you get yourself back and then you can decide if you want to let the ex back in...also it has worked for me more than once ...I went NC to heal but then a few weeks or later they open the door to see if you are still around...it's not some magic cure all...it's something that helps and helps in a big way. So what if the love dies...you are trying to create something new and better...let them go NC too they'll still have fond memories of you and those will come back to them.

[mfurb33]

NC is for you to get your act together and there is the side benefit that can get the ex thinking about you and not as emotional support...to say it doesn't work much is missing the point entirely. The most beneficial thing is it lets you get yourself back and then you can decide if you want to let the ex back in...also it has worked for me more than once ...I went NC to heal but then a few weeks or later they open the door to see if you are still around...it's not some magic cure all...it's something that helps and helps in a big way. So what if the love dies...you are trying to create something new and better...let them go NC too they'll still have fond memories of you and those will come back to them.

 

That is really well said. The spot that really stood out to me was that "it let's you get yourself back and then you can decide if you want to let the ex back in". When you're so screwed up, you would do anything to take the ex back, and you can't know for sure if it's the right thing because you just want that pain and loneliness fixed NOW.

 

The way you choose to handle anything we're talking about just varies on the person and the situation. Maybe some of you can pull it together and hear from the ex, and still be moving forward. Personally, I don't want to use NC as a way to get someone back...I just want to straighten me out.

 

I love my ex, but eventually, you have to love yourself more. There's a point where enough is enough.

[Jjasonn28]

 

I totally understand how someone could think, "well, why wouldn't you be happy if you got a letter like that?!" To which I reiterate, the person does not want to be with me...so why should I be happy about that?

 

I don't want to hang on to false hope, because it keeps me stationary in my life, and I can't move on. It's a very tough thing to grasp when going through something like this, I know...but emotions can cloud your rationale.

 

 

Words of wisdom that many of us who are having a hard time dealing with a breakup should take to heart.

 

If only I'd accepted this years ago.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I don't think you can be friends with someone you are in love with, or even "like" romantically.

 

I recently got back in touch with my ex, (odd break-up situation), just to see how he was. Went really well, he was really chatty/sweet, then he ignored the last text I sent him - mind you, I never asked any more questions. He initiated NC....? I am coping much better though, and I know the break-up was for the best because he has a lot of issues.

[HNR]

NC can easily end up backfiring on someone.....

 

NC does have a consequence... You drift apart. The person eventually disappears from your life. Especially considering this person was already willing to give you up, it's not a stretch that they will also be willing to give up a person who they no longer even associate with. It's really not that much of a leap.

 

My thoughts exactly. Whilst I strongly advocate NC - at least initially - for 99.9% of cases (chiefly in order for the dumpee to get a grip on their emotions and take stock and also for healing for anyone who doesn't want to look back) I would say be very careful using it as a tool to reconcile IF taking your partner for granted (being lazy in the relationship, not being attentive to their needs, etc) was the cause of your break-up.

 

You could just end up reinforcing their perception that you don't really care...

[HNR]

I think that "don't contact me unless you adhere to these parameters" is just emotional blackmail. It's like you're trapping the person somehow, and who falls back in love with someone attempting to trap them? I've rarely heard of this working except in the most desperate cases, and who wants to date a desperate person? I'd pass on that one.

 

Emotional ultimatums can seem like such a great idea as the little seeds are hatching in your brain, but for practical purposes, they are a lover's kiss of death. Freedom is love. Fear is the opposite of love. You should never forget that when you're busy concocting your emotional elixirs, trying to find all those right ingredients for some new kind of magic.

 

Jettison - you talk a lot of sense!

[BrokenDuc]

speaking personally, i needed to tell my ex not to contact me unless she wants to get back together as she was already seeing someone within a few months of breaking up with me (finding this out hurt me deeply).

 

as they say actions speak louder than words. 1. she decided she did not want to be with me. 2. she chose someone else to replace me. 3. she respected my request and has not contact me for 2 weeks.

 

it was during these past 2 weeks of NC with the tuition of ENA that i have been able to make real progress with getting myself back. for the past 6 years i have given so much of myself to her but she was not reciprocating any love back to me at all.

 

i finally realised i had been so blinded by love that i didnt even know i was being used and she probably fell out of love with me months ago as she was distant and was only staying with me for the convenience side of things until she found greener pastures.

 

she was my first true love, yes i still love her and wish her all the best, but i have to let go. i think of her daily but it stays in my mind and does not affect me emotionally and truth be told i no longer think i want her back in her current state, the relationship we had was far far far from perfect. i would prefer not to have any contact in fact as from reading other peoples experiences it does seem to set you back a bit and i do not want to have my heart broken again thats for sure, its the worst feeling i have ever had to go through.

[ieatglue]

Jettison is of sound mind.......... that being said, I'm still in NC.

[HNR]

I guess it's horses for courses. My break up was ALL my fault and I had feelings of terrible guilt.

 

We split before (for 18 months) ironically, because I felt neglected and I had no problems going NC, but he pursued me relentlessly during that time, until I caved in....