I am heartbroken, it is all so sudden

[poppie]

Very long sorry, I just want another persons thoughts as I am so confused

 

After 5 and a half years my partner has just broken my heart by announcing that he doesn’t know whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with me (he did) and that he has been a bit unhappy for a couple of months. He is in the Royal Navy and has never actually lived with me or my children properly only weekends and holidays. The plan had always been that when my youngest finished school in 2 years I would go and live where he is based and we would buy a house.

After much soul searching it was my decision to call it a day as I felt there was no other option, I could not live week to week wondering if he knew whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me yet, especially as he spends time away at sea. He agreed and 30 minutes after the conversation started he had gathered his stuff and was out the door with both of us in tears. I don’t think he would have suggested going our separate ways though as he just sat there until I made the decision. It has just all happened so quickly, I am shocked, one minute we were discussing what to get for a takeaway the next minute he was gone. I don’t even know how the conversation went from what we were getting for dinner to that subject of our relationship, on Friday we were even discussing booking our holiday for next year.

I am absolutely heartbroken; Inside i am dying and do not know what way to turn. I loved him with all my heart and honestly thought we would be together forever, my children idolised him. I never even thought there was a problem, everything seemed normal he rang every night just as he has for the last 5 and a half years unless he was at sea and always seemed happy to be back of a weekend. He says he loves me and I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but doesn’t know what changed; he doesn’t know what he wants or even why he feels unhappy.

I rang him on Sunday (I know I shouldn’t have) just to try and get my head round it all. There were no tears I just needed to try and understand what went wrong. I asked what would have happened if the conversation had never got onto our relationship?? I said I would have been none the wiser that he was unhappy and he would have just come back in a month’s time (he is going to sea for a month) as normal. His answer was that he probably would have been ok by then. What sort of answer is that? It left me wishing to god that we had never even discussed our relationship. I asked if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said he didn't know, he thinks so.

I will not contact him anymore as there is no more to say but I just feel so desperate and absolutely gutted.

Last night was just awful he always rang around 7-8pm ish and the knowing he would not ring just killed me. How on earth am i going to get over this???

[DN]

Did he say why he was unhappy?

 

Maybe you should suggest having a talk to sort things through after he returns from this next sea voyage. It could be that some time away will give him a chance to think clearly. Decisions made in a hurry are often regretted.

[poppie]

No he didn't know why he was unhappy or he wasn't letting on to me.

I asked if there was someone else or if he had become close to someone else whilst onboard but he swore he had not.

He did say that he did not think we wanted the same things and that he did not want to have to worry about money when he came out of the Navy in 4 years. He did not think we could afford what he thinks i want (he thinks i want a 3 bed house so my children have a room each, although i have told him that is not true) He said he has responsibilitys at work and he does not want them outside as well.

I am so confused surely he must have known in the beginning of our relationship that as a mother with 2 children now aged 18 and nearly 14 there would be some responsibility involved.

[DN]

Well, I still suggest that you suggest talking when he gets back - how old is he?

[poppie]

He will be 36 in July.

[Papillion]

My opinion, reading all of this, is that you aren't finished. I think you'll get back together.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There are some men who just don't want the fulltime family life, nor the responsbilities involved with that, and he sounds like one of them. He may have liked it exactly like it was, where he was there only part time, and doesn't want to commit to changing that.

 

People too often don't admit the real reasons for breaking up either, and even if they have someone, they will swear up and down that they don't have anyone else because they don't want the fallout from that, or the chance you might seek out and call the other woman. So he could be telling the truth, or he could have a second woman that he sees and doesn't want to give that up.

 

I'm really sorry, but at least now you know not to make plans and wait any longer. Spend time with friends and family, and you can now go off to meet someone who does want to be with you fulltime and not just parttime.

 

Next time if you want to get serious, make sure you tell the person so and don't wait 5 years for them to be fulltime in your life. Most people can make that decision after a year or so, and if they continue to be part time after that, that is probably an indication that is how they want to live permanently.

[drewciouS281]

just give him his space and time so he can sort things out. there were times where i needed space and i thought i should have ended the relationship but i just needed a break to sort my life, it wasnt the girl. i think he is doing the same. its tough but respect the space and always prepare for the worst case scenario. A good month of NC will be enough to determine some outcome either in your favor or not.