Starting a new relationship

[DontPanic08]

Hello, this is the first time I've really done the forum thing, and I'm not really one for discussing my relationships but Im feeling unsure at the moment about moving on with my life and starting a new relationship after a painful breakup, and to be honest I've always been a bit pants when it comes to relationships.

 

Here's the background: I'd been with my ex girlfriend for 7 years or so, we'd just had an offer accepted on a house that we were buying together when she starts having an affair with a friend of ours. They keep this going behind my back for a couple of months before I find out and she leaves me for this guy.

This happened about a year and a half ago.

 

So fast forward to now and I've recently started seeing a new girlfriend. She's lovely but I still have what happened vivid in my mind. I know I don't have as strong feelings for her as I have had in past relationships but I don't know if that is down to me being cautious after what happened or that I'm just not as attracted to her. How can you tell? So does anyone out there have some good advice for how to completely get over a painful breakup cos I know it still plays on my mind.

 

As an added facet to the story, my ex girlfriend recently split from her boyfriend (the one she left me for) after he left her for another woman (hows that for karma!), but I am finding that I spend more time at the moment worrying about how she is rather than my current girlfriend. It's not really doing me any good, giving me a veritable smorgesbord of emotions and I have found myself giving her advice on how to get through her break up. Should I just say to hell with her? and stop contact with her. I realise I should never have kept contact with her in the first place after we split but I'm not sure it's the right thing to do now 'cos I know she is going through a hard time. Would that help in finally moving on?

 

Sorry if thats all waffle or has been covered in other forum posts.

[Mlost]

I don't think you should keep up contact with the ex. It's definitely not doing you any good as far as the future and your emotions.

[Suzanne1281]

You are never going to be able to move on from your ex if you don't cut off contact with her. You have to cut off all emotional ties for a good amount of time in order to get over her completely. She's still in your life so you won't be able to move on to a new relationship while she's still there and you still think about her. I don't think it's out of the ordinary to still be affected by what happened-you were together for longer than most people stay married nowadays and that was a good hunk of your life. But if you want to move on and there are no extra circumstances like kids together, you have to cut off ties with her.

[DontPanic08]

Thank you for your hasty replies, yes I believe you're right, no contact is the way forward. I have found it difficult to just stop caring though, all part of the minefield that is the modern relationship I suppose... onwards and upwards.

[fivespot]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I was never big into discussion forums, but it's surprising the amount of help you can get from people you don't even know. But I think that's what's good about it...

 

I know I don't have as strong feelings for her as I have had in past relationships but I don't know if that is down to me being cautious after what happened or that I'm just not as attracted to her. How can you tell?

 

Hmm....interesting question. I'm worried about the same thing happening to me. That's why, for right now, I just want to be single (well, I don't want to be) but I'd rather be alone than fighting with myself.

 

I have a friend who's in the same position. They've moved on to someone new, but they're still in love with the ex. The funny thing is, this new girl is SOOOO much better for him. But he doesn't see it because he's still not over his ex.

 

And I'm afraid of this happening to me, too, because right now if my ex came back to me, I'd go right back to her, even though that would be the WORST and most STUPID thing to do!

 

So stop talking to your ex and try to focus on your new girl. If you can't, then maybe you need some more alone time. If you can't stop thinking about your ex after a few months of strict NC with her, then you'd better call things off with your new relationship.

 

However, I've heard that NC generally helps, and if you completely stop talking to the ex, your new relationship will be much better (maybe not better than the one with your ex, but better than if the ex was still in the picture).

 

But definitely, if your ex hasn't said anything about wanting you back, then you need to go full no contact.

 

Good luck!

[DontPanic08]

Thanks fivespot, it's funny how your head can know logically someone else is much better for you but your heart doesn't agree with you, I can empathise. Personally, as a keen adherant of logic, I'm disappointed by my hearts complete disregard for it, my old Maths teacher would be ashamed. No contact starts today.

 

Also I'm very much liking the idea of forum based relationship advice, partly because all my friends seem to be pretty bad with relationships as well. Its good to hear thoughts from people who've been through it. God bless the internet, Or bless the internet for all the Atheists out there.