Am I asexual? Or... is it normal to go without dating for such a long time??

[Lily04]

What made me think of this... I just realized that my younger sister (19 yrs old) has had (at least) 4 boyfriends this school year alone. Not just like those high school "relationships" that are one week and then you're dumped, but we were still "bf/gf" but actual lasted a few weeks or months at a time. She tends to jump from relationship to relationship. I'm not sure if she feels needy or something, but she tends to have a host of guys on her list at any one time to date, so I guess she's just very popular and tends to be attracted to people quite easily.

 

I'm.. sort of the opposite, so I started to think whether there is something wrong with me. One of my friends, a while ago, did ask whether I was asexual. At the time I said, I didn't think so, but there have been times I thought about it. I'm 23 and have only had 2 bfs. One was particularly unfulfilling (it was my first 'relationship' - mainly a trial & error thing than based on love or anything) and the 2nd was interesting but quickly became old. Maybe lasted 1.5-2 months tops. That was it. In between I know some people in their 20s date around, but I'm just not attracted to most people. I tried online dating, and so I would go out with some guys sometimes but after 1-2 dates I can figure out whether I'm attracted to them and interested in seeing them more, and the conclusion was always: no. It wasn't that I didn't like the guy - but I just wasn't attracted to him "in that way", or saw him more as a "friend". Some I'd keep in touch with as friends, but some would try to be friends but then we'd lose touch. Anyway...I just can't seem to be attracted to most people. I have had some crushes in the past so I don't think I'm completely asexual or gay... for whatever reason they didn't work out though (either the guy already had a gf/wasn't interested or was gay, lol. In some cases the guy was also my prof. so it was a bit unrealistic to crush on...) But really, I'd have soo few crushes, most unrealistic, I just don't know what's wrong with me. Is it my fault? Do I not give guys enough of a chance? Why is it that "normal" girls who are about the same in terms of *physical* attractiveness to me (my sister is not much more attractive than me, if she is at all) jump from relationship to relationship with attractive men, whereas I can't find any attractive men I'm attracted to at all? The guys who DO hit on me also tend to be unattractive.

 

I think part of the problem may be that I didn't have enough of a social life; but even in school, I just didn't find guys at my undergrad school appealing. I'm sort of worried now that I'm graduated - it may be even tougher to find men I'm attracted to... is there something really wrong with me, or is this normal at all??? Should I just date some guy who's attracted to me, for the hell of it or wait around til I find one I really like? I don't know..........

[JadedStar]

But haven't you had guys in your line of sight you were very attracted to, you just were not able to go out with them becuase they had a g/f or were unattainable in some way? I think i believe you have based on posts of yours i have raed. That would make me think you are not asexual, you are just pickier than some others might be. Nothing wrong with that and it doesn't make you asexual. To be asexual you probably would never have found a guy (or girl if one is gay) attractive enough to date. Sometimes when people are not social bunnies they just have more limited chances of getting asked out by the ones they truly like, thus, making the number of relationships they have fewer.

[Lily04]

But haven't you had guys in your line of sight you were very attracted to, you just were not able to go out with them becuase they had a g/f or were unattainable in some way? I think i believe you have based on posts of yours i have raed. That would make me think you are not asexual, you are just pickier than some others might be. Nothing wrong with that and it doesn't make you asexual. To be asexual you probably would never have found a guy (or girl if one is gay) attractive enough to date. Sometimes when people are not social bunnies they just have more limited chances of getting asked out by the ones they truly like, thus, making the number of relationships they have fewer.

 

Yep. As I wrote in this post (I guess you never read ):

 

"I have had some crushes in the past so I don't think I'm completely asexual or gay... for whatever reason they didn't work out though (either the guy already had a gf/wasn't interested or was gay, lol. In some cases the guy was also my prof. so it was a bit unrealistic to crush on...) But really, I'd have soo few crushes, most unrealistic, I just don't know what's wrong with me. Is it my fault? Do I not give guys enough of a chance? "

 

hmm...maybe I just never got out enough during the school year? She did meet some guys in her residence although I don't think she got out that much either. But I don't know... my sister is more of the "average" girl...I think (just thinking about the standard deviation curve & personality MBTI theories (see below)), people who are more average in terms of personality & intelligence, but above average in terms of looks prob. have the best chance of hooking up. Also, I won't just date a guy if I find him physically attractive, i.e. I'll look more long-term. I'd like to be able to hold an intelligent convo. with him. She's more the type to be like: "OMG. guy asked me out who's hot. I don't care if he's illerate, I'll go out with him!!" So she's still a bit immature I think when it comes to dating, which may lead to more opportunities. Some of the guys who she has just dated because she found him hot actually led to LT relationships as well, so they probably had some other things in common. I don't know if you know the MBTI thing, but she's ESFJ... which is something like the majority of the American population. Whereas I'm INTP which is less than 1% of the American population in terms of personality... making it probably harder for me to relate to people, as an introvert, etc...that has sort of been my theory on it? Others have postulated that I'm gay or asexual..

[JadedStar]

I did read that and was also referring to other posts you have made here about liking certain guys, they just were not asking you out for whatever reason. The ones you don't like tend to be the ones who ask you out. that doesn't 'make you asexual tho.

[Lily04]

I see. I guess it just makes me atypical. What do you think I can do to find more guys I'm attracted to? I feel weird about being single for so long, I must admit... I went to the salon yesterday for eyebrow waxing and my beautician asked if I had a bf and I said no. She was completely shocked as she asked me the same question all throughout the year as I had been seeing her and I always answered 'no'... so she was like "so that means you never dated in school at all?" (I'm not sure if she meant just this year or throughout my whole 5 years of undergrad but I said: "well to be honest, I tend to date more over the summer.....) I just feel odd..

[Jeremiah Johnson]

I personally don't think everyone is meant to be in a relationship... some people are happier being single and celebate for life. If you feel you'd be happy that way, you should go with it.

 

It would seem to me if you really do want a guy, then you must have some idea of what you want. And thus there must be someone out there that matches said description. Perhaps you just need a little more introspection if that's the case?

[Lily04]

I personally don't think everyone is meant to be in a relationship... some people are happier being single and celebate for life. If you feel you'd be happy that way, you should go with it.

 

It would seem to me if you really do want a guy, then you must have some idea of what you want. And thus there must be someone out there that matches said description. Perhaps you just need a little more introspection if that's the case?

 

Nah... if anything I do too much introspection

[pinkelephant]

do you have commitment phobia?

 

 

i ask this because i was kind of like that for a long time.and was totally unaware of it.

[Lily04]

No, I don't think so. I just haven't really found a guy yet who has "wowed" me, you know? And those that have weren't interested in me..

[Lily04]

No, you know what. I realized what my problem is... I just dismiss guys too easily. As 'not being attractive' but I forget that personality is at least half of what makes up attraction and if I don't give myself enough of a chance to get to know a guy's personality, I'm sort of doing us both a disservice by cutting it off too quickly. I say this because there were actually 2 guys I can think of this year that I probably could have dated, or even 3. I sort of dismissed all as "not being my type" or not attractive. But I am looking at one guy's website and he looks HOT. I think with him, I actually wanted to go on a 2nd date, but had to keep cancelling because I was so busy. And I already put him into the "friend zone" after one date... oh right!!! Because we met when I was actually starting to date my ex-bf, and was going on a date with him the night before, so I felt it would almost be cheating to go out with him. But after that... I just got lazy about dating and never really made much of an effort... my loss.

 

The other guy... same thing. I basically scared him off because I said I just wanted to be friends and school was driving me insane halfway during the year... I actually TRIED to set up dates but slept through 2 of them. It wasn't really working with my time schedule, evidently, lol........ It then got weird because I said I didnt have time to date and we should just be friends. We tried that but he stopped speaking to me pretty much. And now I still sort of have a crush on him and it could have potentially worked out if I weren't so crazy over school during the year... but he's off in Greece now so pretty much all hopes of a relationship I'm thinking, are gone. And he hasn't initiated anything either...

 

The other guy I also waved off and we're actually still friends, but he got in a LTR when I said I'm not interested pretty quickly..

 

After that there have been other guys who asked me out during the year but most I wasn't that attracted to, overall...

 

I think it's mainly an issue of not necessarily being too picky... but maybe not giving them enough of a chance? And being too occupied during school. Although now that one has gotten quite hot... I am willing to rethink, lol..

[JadedStar]

Lily most guys i ever dated in my life i did not find all that dreamy in appearance until i got to know them well. I think that yes, you are dismissing them too quickly. It was after getting to know them and see how their perosnality meshes with mine that their physical appearance grew on me and they became extremely attractive over time.

 

I am not really a very visual person when it has come to my partners in life. I am mroe cerebral and if i rejected guys as in not gone out with them based on my initial reaction to how they looked i would still be single and would be celibate today at the age i am now. You are very looks oriented which has been evidenced in a lot of your posts and that is probably very well what is holding you back. When you can get over that, and not worry about what would people think if you are not dating mr mcdreamy, and give yoruself time to go out with a few different guys i am sure that over time one or more will grow on you and you will see them far more attractive than you did at first look.

[Lily04]

Yeah, I agree...unfortunately, it's not just the fact that I was too looks-oriented that was the problem (although I'll admit, that seems to be a main problem) but also that I couldn't manage my time wisely during undergrad. Relationships & dating require time and commitment to another person in your life. I was so caught up with my own needs and my own bizarre scheduling that I couldn't fit anyone else into my life. That was pretty much the case throughout my whole undergrad I think... I mean, when I would sometimes wake up at 3 pm, and then go to sleep at 5 am, what normal people run on that schedule? And I would be so busy finishing up last minute essays and tests, that I never had time to get together. I remember actually sleeping through some dates!!! So, really, my life was pretty much a mess... I mentioned that on this board a few times - that there was the problem of "timing". During school, dating just generally did not seem a good time for me. I think people say this at various times in their life, as well... i.e. one of my friends who just recently started a new job and wants to concentrate on career broke up with a girl saying that he just wants to focus on his career now and not love life. Of course, he wasn't all that interested in her either, and did try it out, but I've heard the same said about people who put work first to the detriment of their personal life.....some people find it difficult to balance.

 

I don't think it's a coincidence that the only relationships I've had also happened during the summer... but at the same time, I need to learn to live on a normal schedule or else I'll never be able to date, even if I want to.

[DZL]

One stark fact is that people are not created equally - most people know this, yet somehow lose sight of it. This is not to say that anyone deserves any less respect as a person, but simply a reminder that there are differences...and that those differences can be respected.

 

That being said, recognize that there is a line, however fine, between personal choice and compromise. If you feel an imperative to find one suitable for dating, don't fool yourself by "settling," so-to-speak, under the guise of personal choice - this is betrayal of the self as a means to an end, and will not guide you to happiness.

 

Leave the retrospection behind and instead of wondering which allowances should have been made when, look to the future, and look with no expectations.