is separation really beneficial in healing a marriage?

[drtanko]

I have been married 10 years. We have no children. About 5 years ago our sex life came to an abrupt end. Since then, I have had persistent feelings of rejection. When I first recognized that there was a problem, I talked to her about this, even recommending counseling individually and together. She was not interested in counseling. She thought that time would heal this rift. I believed her. I am a physician so during most of my medical training, I was in a different state than her and she worked to help "get me through" medical school even though I also took out loans. When I returned to her, I started my residency. She was happy that I was back home but I really wasn't. Residency is very intense and so even though I would come back home I wasn't all there mentally and emotionally especially after a 45 hour shift with no sleep. Eventually things got better with my work schedule when i finished residency. The problem now is that we have become excellent roommates, and best friends. Before we rarely argued and had fun together but now we rarely speak and when we do its an argument. We still havent had sex. I cant remember the last time I had sex. I dont even care to anymore at this point. I am tired of trying to try to get her to have any interest in me. She has never been spontaneous sexually with me. More recently, she tried to be "spontaneous" with me but i can see it in her eyes and sense some rigidity likely because she is not truly interested in pleasing me but feeling guilty because we have gotten to this point. Since the sex has become an issue, other issues have arisen. I am now working and drinking way too much. I dont come home sometimes also. This has now become problematic for her as she thinks that I am trying to avoid her. I am but I have not(nor do I feel that I have to) told her that this is true. I have lost the spark for her, I am unhappy and cant imagine myself being in this relationship in 5 yrs despite counseling. I do not think that she is a gross, hideous beast of a woman. She apparently feels this and has cited this as the main reason for her lack of libido. Now, despite any measures for reconciliation, i think its too late because of the amount of scarring that has been produced the past 5 years. I am fearful to end the relationship b/c I make about 80% of the money that comes in. I would not leave her without giving her the house and other things. I am also afraid because she has only one friend that lives 2 hours away. I know if I am out of her life, we will both suffer with loneliness as all of my friends are about a days drive away as well.

 

Am I being too superficial by willing to throw away a mostly functional and comfortable relationship for a lack of sex?

 

Will separation help us heal this rift by giving us the opportunity to explore other avenues/relationships?

 

Is it incorrect to use separation to get laid?

 

any advice appreciated. thanks

[Clementine orange]

You need to know what _you_ want. Do you want the marriage to work, do you think that it can? A separation might help you decide, though be aware that it was probably separation (or apartness) that created this problem in the first place (in part at least).

 

Maybe the two of you can take a little vacation together or something. See if there is still a spark there...think long and hard about ending it, but also be aware that life is too short to be with someone who does not "fit" your life.

 

"roomates/best friends" is all very well and good but can you life without intimacy/sex/romance...or will your head be turned by someone who can offer that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the lack of sex is a symptom of the real problems in your marriage. If she is saying that she feels gross and hideous that means her self esteem has taken a tumble...perhaps while you were busy working she felt so neglected and unloved that in order to cope she shut down. This is not only down to her...think about whether or not you really made her feel loved during the time she was helping pay the bills while you were getting your medical education and training. I know that med school and subsequent training is a tough grind and sacrifices need to be made...but what I am saying is that there is a deep issue why she can't let herself go to love and be loved intimately...perhaps she feels that you had lost interest in her and now she feels insecure. So separating in order to find someone else to do the horizontal mambo with is not going to solve your problems...it will just put an even deeper wedge in your relationship. So I would say that instead of having counselling to sort out the sex issues, you two sit and really talk about HOW you got to where you are now..either doing this privately or with a counsellor. If you could get to the root of the issues and sort that out, I can pretty much figure that you would be able to re-build the romantic connection between the two of you and ultimately the sexual connection.

[crazyaboutcats]

Have to agree with the last post - it doesn't sound as if either of you has really tried to get to the root of the problem. It depends though on how honest you are willing to be, both with yourself and with her. You need to scrutinise your own behaviour over the last few years before you confront her about hers.

 

Good luck.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Have to agree with the last post - it doesn't sound as if either of you has really tried to get to the root of the problem. It depends though on how honest you are willing to be, both with yourself and with her. You need to scrutinise your own behaviour over the last few years before you confront her about hers.

 

Good luck.

 

So now you have seen the opinions of two "crazy" people...and Crazyaboutdogs has been introduced to crazyaboutcats! LOL

[dream83]

Yeah, I would try to get to the bottom of why she feels hideous. Have you tried to consistently give her affection without the perceived expectation of sex? Maybe she feels like you're out all the time and then you come home and expect her to just "give it up," so to speak. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that this is at all the case in reality, but you have to understand that your wife has had ample time to sit at home all alone, sometimes working to help with your medical training, all the while letting her imagination run amuck. You say you go out and drink a lot. Maybe she feels like you don't include her in your life enough. I don't mean to imply that this is somehow all your fault, but I can only make suggestions the one side of the story that I'm able to hear. There is a reason she is behaving this way. Either it's based on her own perception of how things are, or perhaps there is something wrong with the way you two interact otherwise.

 

I think you both should commit yourselves to being honest and getting to the bottom of the issue, whatever it may be.

[drtanko]

i have always been nice to her and never once did i ever make any derogatory comments to her about her appearance. She is a bit overweight but i prefer that in her. She knows this. she is 42 and I'm 35. The going out all night to drink and stay out is a new thing simply b/c I dont know how else to deal with my stress and the fact that our home is no longer a home in the intimate sense. I exercise 2x per day and speak to our clinical counselor on a random basis. I dont come home and expect her to give it up to me. I have never been like that and I find that kind of "come on" to be weak and inappropriate. I think a big problem is that my wife has always been a homebody. She loves movies and TV and reading. I love those things too( in moderation) but now that I am no longer in school and training, with a double income and cool dog, I want to do things: go to concerts, clubs, bars, to the coast, park,etc and have passionate love whenever the desire arises, which for me would be multiple times per day. I have tried to get her to do these things but it never works, although sometimes it is due to my being at work too much. At any rate, if she is still holding on to my being gone to med school and thereforeee feeling rejected indirectly by me then that is an issue she has to deal with. I cannot be made to feel guilty for pursuing my dream career for the sake of improving our lives and stability.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

At any rate, if she is still holding on to my being gone to med school and thereforeee feeling rejected indirectly by me then that is an issue she has to deal with. I cannot be made to feel guilty for pursuing my dream career for the sake of improving our lives and stability

 

I sense from this, a complete lack of understanding of what she may have gone through. It sounds like you are simply saying "I am free now so just get with the program and get over it". It is not that simple...life doesn't revolve around YOUR schedule and she has to get with YOUR program. Have you really sat down and discussed what is bothering her. With the attitude you are displaying in this post, it is possible that she feels she can't communicate with you because you are not hearing her. The concerts, clubs, bars thing sounds like you want to do the things you missed in your twenties. The thing is she is 42 and beyond that stage. How have you tried to get her to do things like parks and the coast? Has she given you a reason why she doesn't want to go to the coast or to parks? I think there is more to this than meets the eye. She could be depressed...so rather than focus on your needs, why not really find out what's up with her...in a true caring, concerned manner...not in a manner of fixing it so YOU can live happier...but in a manner so that SHE feels you care about her well-being and are concerned about HER.

[novaseeker]

I honestly think it more or less always is a bad idea for one or the other to go through professional education and training in a marriage. We tried that, and it sucked, BIG time. The time requirements are just not consistent with a relationship, especially with a marriage. Your wife suffered as a result of that. You may be able to put it together again, but to be honest, often you can't. The kind of separation and dedication to task required by that often precludes maintaining the intimate relationship by all but the very strongest, well put together, and energetic types. I'm sorry this is happening, but it's a mess to mix marriage and professional training. Do the second first and then get married.

[coco_tree]

It sounds like the issues you are having may not be fixable by separation, and a separation may make things worse. If you are really interested in fixing the marriage, I think it might be a good idea if you approach her and let her know that you really do appreciate her and it is important that you feel both of you are completely happy and fulfilled in the marriage. I think you have good intentions in going to couples counseling, since that will allow you and her to bring up concerns in a professional environment.

[dream83]

I agree with what CAD said. Your last reply made it sound more like you feel as if it's her problem for her to work through on her own. You both promised each other forever, and you promised to do what you could to make it work. It this case it may mean coddling her a little more, reaffirming your love for her, maybe attending counseling regularly as opposed to randomly. I think you should fix whatever is hurting her first. Once she's feeling okay again she may be more willing to go out and do the activities you want to do. But, it also may be the case that she's in her 40s and isn't into that stuff. Either way the two of you have some major communicating to do.

[thejigsup]

It is my opinion that professional people do not have what it takes to make a good marriage. I'm not knocking anyone as I'm a professional and you almost have to put your interests first most of the time to succeed. It comes with the territory. I know I would be a terrible wife.

[Berb]

Am I being too superficial by willing to throw away a mostly functional and comfortable relationship for a lack of sex?

 

No. We all have needs. The fact that your relationship is "mostly functional and comfortable" doesn't negate or address those needs.

 

Will separation help us heal this rift by giving us the opportunity to explore other avenues/relationships?

 

I don't have a crystal ball, but separation rarely helps bring people closer together. Sometimes, yes - but far more often, no.

 

Is it incorrect to use separation to get laid?

 

Hey, it's your life, you have to decide. If you are being honest about the reasons for your separation and what you hope to achieve from it, I don't see that you are doing anything wrong. If you are clinging to your wife emotionally and logistically, stringing her along while you get some on the side, well, yeah, that sounds a little questionable to me...but I am just a random, anonymous voice on the Internet. It's the man in the mirror whose opinion you really need.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is my opinion that professional people do not have what it takes to make a good marriage. I'm not knocking anyone as I'm a professional and you almost have to put your interests first most of the time to succeed. It comes with the territory. I know I would be a terrible wife.

 

I am sure there are plenty of professional people who are excellent partners. It is not the profession that is the issue, it is the two people in the relationship, how they communicate and how they sort through problems.