I don't want to move on!

[nuttybuddy]

Hello,

 

I haven't been here in a long while. I think the last time I was here, I was back together with my then bf, and complaining this and that.

 

Well, we finally gave it the old heave ho (broke up) in the middle of January this year. Even though my bf and I had been back together (before this final break up,) he outrightly admitted to me that he wasn't sure where our relationship was headed because he just didn't know if someone better might come along. This obviously angered me because I was put on the back burner. I decided to be patient with him, until I found out he was merrily on his way to a girl "friend"s house for brunch with some other friends. This girl was someone he had admitted to me that he held a flame for. I couldn't hold in my outrage at that point. I told him to think long and hard about what he wants from our relationship. He didn't call for a week texting me excuses that he was sick. Finally, he did call me and all he came up with was, "I donno where this relationship is going." This was cue enough for me to finally let him know that it's all or none.

 

Our break up wasn't loud, or heated. I had calmly prepared a speech in case I had to read it. And after reading it, he seemed accepting. It hurt me that he was accepting. I wished that he would fight for me. But he didn't. All he wanted to know was if we were going to be still able to talk. I hadn't thought about such a request, but on the spur of the moment, because the conversation was going so swimmingly and friendly, I agreed yeah.

 

Among many problems in our relationship, one difficult one was the long distance. He lives in a different state. (We had met in school when we both left our homes to attend school.)

 

Last week, we saw each other. It was at my graduation. It had been 6 -7 months since I had last seen him. To me, he hadn't changed much except maybe a hair cut. Of course, I can't tell what he thought of me. Perhaps I looked worse. I have lost a lot of weight because of stress and depression. And though, he likes skinny girls, I'm not sure if I looked too skinny. My family assured me that I didn't look anorexic. Thank goodness. That would have been bad.

 

He came to graduation cuz he wanted to see all of his friends (and perhaps also to see me one last time.) At graduation, I was all smiles from ear to ear. He was the only person I was closest to during my school years and it was good to see him. His facial expression was a bit hard for me to read however. My bro explained it was only natural that he may have felt awkward to see my family.

 

After graduation, we parted ways, and I think I sensed a bit of sadness in his eyes. For me, I didn't display any sadness. I think at that point, I accepted things for what they were.

 

Now, the problem is me afterwards. Afterwards, I called him and talked to him. In all the six months after our January break up, he had been the only one to call me every few weeks to see how things were. I never called him once. So this was definitely out of the ordinary for me to call him up. We talked a friendly chat as usual. But nothing more.

 

Today, I became a bit more curious, and looked at his facebook profile. He changed his profile status to "Interested in Women." It's such a desperate thing to put on a public page. I also noticed he put up a few more profile pictures but I was not able to access them. He's obviously privatized it to only his close friends.

 

Facebook... I think is an evil for me. I had avoided looking into it for many many weeks. But just now and then, when my curiosity drives me to the point of insanity, I do take a look. In the 6 months, I've only looked at it maybe 2 or 3 times. That is all. My account has been inactive ever since we broke up. I donno if I have the courage to update it. Partly, I'm afraid to move on and let him know that I'm moving on in fear that he will move on even more. My account is like a haunted house, littered with his gifts and even a christmas tree that I hadn't taken down since last year. Other friends have found me on it and are trying to connect with me, but I have yet to add them because I do not want my account to show that I'm active.

 

Anyway, in our last conversation, I got a sense that he really was moving on. And his facebook confirms it even more. He's added all these women friends. It makes me feel bad for him that he must be feeling so lonely that he's going about in these measures to announce that he's available. A bit lascivious in my opinion.

 

I'm sorry I'm writing so much. I have no one to really talk to anymore. I've lost friends through this terrible relationship. My closest friend, whom I trusted dearly, really let me down during the worst time I was going through during my relationship. We are no longer friends because I have cut communication with her.

 

Better days are coming. In only a week, I am moving to a new job and a new apt. I will surely be meeting new people and making new friends. Part of me can only hope that my baggage will not spill over into my new life.

 

Part of me wants to move on, but part of me doesn't. The part that doesn't want to move on is the one that only sees the good side of my bf. The dreams I wanted to create with him.

 

I guess I donno what I want from writing all of this. It's just so hard. And I'm so encouraged to read similar experiences on this forum. It's so hard to do the right thing.

[riley123]

One of the hardest things we do in life is say goodbye to the one’s we love. I know it’s hard, but you have to let him go…for you.

 

Deep down, it sounds like you know walking away was the right thing to do. Don’t regret your decision, because all regret will do is keep you stuck in the past. Move forward with your life and look forward to the surprises…both good and bad.

 

You’re absolutely right: Better days will come!

[Wagga]

Dear nuttybuddy,

 

You did the right thing by breaking up. It is always difficult when you break up with someone after a long relationship. Also you have broken up and got back together before so I think at the back of your mind there is some hope that things will work out. This and all other things you are feeling now including being indecisive is natural. When I went through a similar thing in the past it was also very difficult. But I think you did absolutely the right thing by breaking up. Your ex bf obviously did not want to commit and that is poor on his part. Good loving relationships needs long term commitment and people who cannot need to grow up. At the moment you are feeling the way you are because you are so attached to your ex bf because you were with him for a long time. Let it be. The feelings will slowly fade away. I found no contact the best healer. It will give you the opportunity to think clearly. Don't worry you will be fine but you must be strong. Maybe you have to go through a little bit of pain and confusion for future happiness but trust me it will be worth it. Also you have the perfect opportunity to move on and stick to your decision because you are starting a new job and moving into a new apartment. Don't get angry at your ex bf. He is only human. But that also means sticking to the decision you have already made. You must learn to love yourself first and understand that no one can make you happy as much as you can yourself. Happiness is within. You are hurting now but thats ok. It will pass. You will be fine!! Be strong! All the best.

 

Wagga

[Iarra]

Hi nuttybuddy,

 

You have been doing well all this time since the breakup. You kept your dignity and self-respect. But seeing him last week brought up all those memories and thoughts of how things should've been, and it made you sad that things didn't turn out the way you had hoped. But your strength is evident from your post, and I know you will keep doing well. It's good that you realize that looking at his Facebook profile is an evil for you. I know it's hard when you're really curious, but try not to look at his profile to see how he's doing. It just hurts you whenever you do that. You have a new job and new apt to look forward to. Focus on that. The new environment will definitely help you move on. And you do *need* to! I know you're scared of doing that, but it's normal. You'll be stepping out of your comfort zone after all. Have faith in yourself and I'm sure you'll be alright. You'll still have bad days, or days when you're reminded of your ex. But it's ok. It's normal. Just keep moving and soon, you'll see that your life really *is* better.

 

Hugs,

Iarra

[BrokenDuc]

remove yourself from stalkbook

its poison like the other networking sites.

it was after looking at my ex's friendster page last week that i cracked and pleaded with her which didnt work

 

evilllll

[nuttybuddy]

Thank you riley, Wagga, and Iarra.

 

As I was reading your responses, I welled up in tears. It's been a long time since I last cried about this. The only real person that I've been confiding in, is my bro, who's helped me through my relationship. And because he's the only person whom I have told a lot about my relationship, I think I've exhausted him. When I call him, I could almost smell his fear that I am going to talk about him again. Every time I stumble into thinking about him, my bro sees me as weak, but still tries to encourage me to move on. My bro's reached the point of being angry with me that no matter how many times he's told me how to move on, that I am not listening.

 

But I think I am moving on... very slowly. One toe-step at a time.

 

My bro again reminded me that no guy would ever want to come back to a girl who's so weak. He says that if my bf were to ever want to come back, it will only be when he sees that I have moved on. [While this seems contradictory in my mind, because I'm afraid that my bf will move on farther away knowing that I have moved on, my bro says that guys are attracted to women who are confident in themselves, not someone who's weak.]

 

Well, I'm not planning on any mind games here. If I move on, it will be because I have seriously moved on. And at that point, there will be very little to zero possibility of returning to my bf.

 

What really pains me, are the good memories and the future dream that's been shattered.

 

And I suppose what's bringing back so many hidden memories of him is because I'm finally cleaning out to pack myself to move. I am finding things that he gave me, stuff left, letters, gifts.... things that all remind me more and more of him. It's really weird because two weeks ago, my bf said he just moved to a new apt as well. (He didn't bother sharing his new address with me. I guess that's expected. I wasn't planning on giving him my new address unless he asked.) I can only imagine that he also had to pack away a lot stuff that reminded him of me. Stuffed animals I gave him, gifts, pictures.... it all makes me wonder if he threw them all out or if he's stuffed them all in a bag tucked away in a corner. I have no idea. And I guess I'll never know.

 

Now, what to do with all the stuff he left and gave me. I don't plan on bringing anything that will remind me of him. But I don't have the heart to throw them out just yet. Any ideas?

[nuttybuddy]

Hey BrokenDuc,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you cracked after the stalkbook (what a good name! lol)

 

But I know how u must feel. It is evil. I agree. But what makes it evil is ourselves. If we have let go completely, it shouldn't faze us at all. It is afterall, a mere social networking tool. Who knows in fifty years, we may have a light heart enough to look into other people's lives without jealousy, anger, or resentment? Someday that day will come.

[arcadefire]

You know, it takes tremendous strength to let go of the person you love. You should be happy for yourself for choosing the right decision. Hanging onto a one sided relationship will not only drain you, but also give you irrational paranoia on what the status of the relationship really is like. I've been through it too. I broke up with someone I loved, but he never loved me.

 

Your brother is right about men coming back to their exes after finding out they're moved on. Who wants to come back to a miserable, depressed, sobbing ex? It'll only be out of pity.

 

As for your new job, embrace it and work on your new life! Enjoy yourself. You're only single and unattached once, and it's a great time to build a base for your career.

 

And facebook... it's truly evil. I would say block him. Not only does it let you go from the urge of looking at his profile (which will only set you back), but it will also allow you to do whatever you want to your profile without worrying about what he thinks. Frankly, who cares about what he thinks. It's not worth your time. And his life is not more important by yours by a long shot.

 

And who cares about the stuff you gave him... Sure, I gave my ex cologne he's probably using with his new girlfriend, but whatever, they're gifts, and I gave it to him because I loved him. I'll just let it drop. As for the stuff he gave you, you can just tuck them away in a corner. I plan to just donate the lot or give them away. I already threw away the bulk of what I kept because they're just baggage in our hearts.

 

I think your ex has moved on. The only lesson to take from that is to move on yourself! Good luck. I'm going through it as well.

[nuttybuddy]

hi musicdee,

 

thanks for your thoughts. I must admit when I read your "I think your ex has moved on." my heart dropped. I guess that's a tell-tell sign, huh? I may sound strong on the outside, but on the inside, I think I'm still very weak.

 

Like Iarra said, maybe because of the experience of having gotten back together before, i'm hoping in the back of my mind that such thing is possible again. It's terrible. I know.

And the things that are fueling these thoughts, is seeing that he has not removed the facebook gifts that i sent him. Part of me thinks that it's just his ego trip keeping my gifts up there because he wants to boast to anyone that sees his page, that some girl gave him so many gifts. And while I do think that is the real reason why he hasn't removed them, part of me wants to think that he's not removing them because he's still scared to completely cut me off.

 

*shaking my head*

 

*sigh*

 

When i think with my head, I know that I've done the right thing. I think I'm about 50% moved on. But I just don't even understand myself when my heart drops just on hearing someone like you say that you think that my bf has moved on. It's not something that's easy to hear. Especially since it's something I dread.

[Ellie2006]

I think you're refusing to move on because you know yourself very well and you know that once you move on, that's it for you. There's no turning back.

 

Maybe you're having a nagging thought of ... "What if I move on and he comes back"?

The "what ifs" really kills one's spirits, I think. But you know that you can always cross this bridge if you come to it, right?

 

If you've moved on and he comes back, it still wont affect you negatively. You'll have moved on, and you can decide from an objective stance whether the relationship is worth salvaging. Maybe you'll think you guys are better off as friends. Who knows. The important thing is you'll have moved on and enjoying this new life you're about to start.

 

If you're consciously keeping yourself from moving on, the only person you're hurting is yourself and the only person you can blame is yourself.

 

I should know. I did the same thing. Now I am banging my head against the wall thinking why the heck I kept myself in such a self-destructive position for so long.

[nuttybuddy]

Hi Ellie,

 

It's true. I think I know that once I move on, there's no chance of turning back. This is why I don't want to move on, just in case he may want to give us another chance. And another reason why I'm not so willing to move on is because I know that he'll never want to come back to me. In the past, when we got back together, it was because I wanted to and he merely acquiesced. So, in my mind, there is no way he's going to want to come back to me on his own.

 

My bro keeps telling me, the sooner I move on, the better. But I guess I'm too blind to see the better. My bro advises that if I move on only because there's another guy who is willing to fill that void in my heart, I'm merely substituting what I had and I will continue to be a weak person. He encourages me to stand on my own two feet and be strong. He says that it won't be fair to the next guy that I meet. (I'm not quite sure what that means.)

 

Btw, I like the quote you have in your signature.

[Ellie2006]

Thanks. The Camus quote helped me through some tough times

 

I don't think you're too blind; people heal at their own pace, after all. You really can't rush through these things ...

 

I dont want to be hurtful (so sorry in advance) but I have to ask: if you already know that he wont voluntarily come back to you, then what kind of "what-ifs" are you holding on to??

 

Are you waiting to see if you might want him back again and ask him for a reconciliation?

If so, perhaps your next step is to figure out if you will indeed make the first move towards getting back together again.

 

In the meantime, take care of your heart, hun.

[pumpkinmoon]

I know what you mean when you say you dont want to move on. As much as I would love to be over him and get on with my life and rid myself of all this pain I am scared to move on. I have some good days where I think to myself "wow maybe I am getting over it at last" but it makes me panic for some reason but I know it is the best thing.

 

I was the same as you, checking his facebook profile for any updates and what not, but I have stopped that now because I have realised whatever I find there isn't going to change my situation and if there is something there it will only upset me more so please please try to resist doing this.

 

I would also like to say that you moving on isnt going to affect him moving on, he will do that if you move on or not. If you dont try to as best you can now he will be miles ahead of you and you will still be stuck in the place you are at at the moment.

 

I haven't been broken up for as long as you have but as soon as you start doing things for you it will get easier. Also keep yourself busy.

 

I know what you mean about the gifts and things. I cant look at anything he gave me but i can't bring myself to throw it away either so I have put it all in one place in another room so I dont have to see it.

[Iarra]

Hey nuttybuddy,

 

You could be right that maybe he didn't remove your facebook gifts because it's just his ego trip since you did say that he added a lot of women friends. Or maybe he just didn't see the need to. It could be laziness. It could be anything. But the reason why he hasn't removed them is not important. You said you're about 50% moved on. That's good. You're halfway there

 

You're brother is right. When he said that you need to be strong and stand on your own two feet. But don't worry about how you should've moved on now. You just heal at your own pace. Don't pressure yourself. Right now, the thought of moving on is scary, but I think it's only because it's the unknown. You don't know what it's like to move past this. You know in your mind that it's good, but you haven't experienced it yet, so it scares you. But like I said, have faith in yourself. A breakup can really hurt your self-esteem (it did mine), so if that's the case, work on that. Do the things that you love. Set some personal goals. In time, you will see that you're worthy to be valued and not put on the back burner. You're too precious for that. You didn't settle for that (which is why you broke up with him), and for that, I admire you. You really are strong, and not just on the outside. You just have to believe that

 

It's not easy to hear that he has moved on. But you know what? It helps you kill that last bit of hope of getting back together that you still have. When I saw my ex with his new girl, it cut like a knife, but I can say that I needed that in order to really accept the situation and get on with my life. Acceptance really is key. Accept that you're on your own now. And it's not a bad thing It's the beginning of something great.

 

Hugs,

Iarra

[nuttybuddy]

Hello,

 

Thank you ellie, shoefairy, and Iarra for responding. I definitely know that I did the right thing because I deserve better than to be on the back burner. And if I had hung on to him despite how he was treating me, it would have been only a matter of time that he would have said, "I've met someone better." And he would have justified himself in his mind that he wasn't cheating or anything, but that he was at least honest with me and would have told all his friends that the reason for the break up was that "we are just too different."

 

I know what I've done is best for myself. At least I've protected myself from getting hurt even more. And to think that my so-called best friend advised me to "NOT abandon ship" but rather "plunge in deeper" and give my 100% to this guy. If that's not a screwy friend, I donno what is. While everyone else I knew was telling me to get out of the relationship, this friend wanted me to give him MORE so that he will want to come back. It's such a ridiculous advice. When I heard that, I told her I can't. And I'm so glad I didn't. And it's painful that I had to lose a best friend and a boyfriend through all of this. She really surprised me. When I look at her life right now, I think I can understand why she gave such an advice. She's living a life of desperation too. She's moved in with her boyfriend and she's hoping that any day now, he'll want to marry her. Perhaps he will, but I doubt she will be happy for the rest of her life with such a guy. I'm so sad that she's deluded herself.

 

Anyway, sorry for digressing. I was feeling ok today cuz I was busy buying furniture for the new apartment and I hardly had time to think anything else. But whenever I'm alone, I get heartsick. I hate the feeling. And I know I'm close to completely getting rid of this feeling. I'm partly scared because I will be living alone, and it is in those lonely alone times that my mind wanders off to these thoughts. I mean, today, all day I was busy shopping, and even met a friend for dinner. But as soon as I was back in my car alone, driving back home, my heart was sad. I think it's the loneliness that makes me so crazy. It's not the boyfriend... it's the lonliness. And one can keep oneself busy constantly for only so long.

 

Yes I have many books I have meant to finish reading, yes I have many materials to study, and doing all these things I'm sure will keep me from being lonely, but my flesh just wants to vegetate. Ugh. Today, I feel like I'm 55% moved on.

[nuttybuddy]

Ellie,

 

To answer your question, "If I know he won't voluntarily come back to me, what kind of what if's am I holding on to?" I think I'm WISHING that he will voluntarily want to come back to me. Yes, I KNOW that he won't, but a girl can wish.... can't she?

 

But there's also a condition to his coming back. He must not come back to me with the same proposal that he's still not sure if I'm the one, and just wants to still hang on to me. If he is to come back, I am determined to only accept him if he wants no one else but me. And THAT is the problem for him. He's seeing all these beautiful younger girls left and right, and he doesn't feel any pressure to settle down just yet. It shows how selfish he is. He doesn't care how I'm getting older, he only sees that he's still young for a guy and he can catch any YOUNGER girls.

 

I was just thinking today, and I don't want to say it, because I don't want to believe it, but I was thinking, "men are like wine, as they age, they get better and women are like fresh fruits/vegetables, as we age, we get worse."

 

Terrible thought. I know. Feel free to reproach me.

[thejigsup]

What if you were told tomorrow you only had six months to live, would you waste those days pining away for someone who doesn't want you anymore? No! You would live your life to the hilt! Live like you only have six months left. Your bro is right, no one likes a needy, weak, person. Be strong and live!

[arcadefire]

nuttybuddy,

 

I really feel for you! I have been or probably still am in your shoes. You know, when I put up my thread the night I found out my ex has found a new girlfriend, my heart also dropped when I got back replies that he probably has moved on and is not thinking about me anymore.

 

You know what, they're probably right. And that's for the better because then I can just give up, remember what it was like to love and lost, and move on. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, remember that. And remember that you live your life the way you want it to be.

 

Don't look at his facebook, block him. Heck, my ex kept my gifts I gave him (the only gifts he has...) and when we were dating he even removed the gift his previous ex gave him. I wouldn't be surprised if he removed my gifts by now because he's dating someone new, and you know what, I could care less because I wouldn't know and I blocked him. It's better not to know. Ignorance is bliss because then you're not tied down by anything anymore. You are looking forward to the future. The last straw I had was seeing him put up pictures of him and his new uglier girlfriend. Fine, if he wants to take a step down from me, that's his loss. Think of it like this, say to yourself that you deserve someone who is totally and completely committed to you and will not take you for granted, and believe me, the world is waiting for you.

[nuttybuddy]

Hi,

 

Thank you for your responses. I have been meaning to write sooner, but I was feeling in the dumps again. As you know, I have been moving my stuff to the new apt. And even though it's a brand new start, I couldn't help feel the loneliness I would feel soon in the empty apt. I couldn't help longing to hear his voice again and just be assured that he still cares about me. But we hadn't spoken since graduation, and I certainly was not about to chase him.

 

And with my sick heart, even though on the outside, I try hard to look well, on the inside I was feeling miserable. I was feeling so sick that I felt doubtful about whether I would ever be able to move on with my life. I even met new people from my building who I will see at work, but those were just momentary joys. My joy fades away so easily.

 

And while my heart was so sick, I was thinking of desperately calling my brother again, or to talk to at least SOMEONE about it because I was not well.

But tonight, just when I was feeling all this, the phone rang! It was him!!! I picked it up and I tried sounding cheerful and just plain normally happy. He didn't sound like himself in the beginning, but as he heard my cheeriness, his voice soon started to become cheery as well. We laughed a little here and there, and overall had a good friendly 2 hour conversation.

 

Now, I know this is terrible, but I have to say, my sick heart is not sick right now. My heart is so light and just filled with life again. I'm hoping this heart won't feel the dumps again. I'm wishing that my heart would stay good this way from now on. But do you see what's cured my sick heart? It's the fact that he cared or was curious enough about me to call. It's almost sick, isn't it? I feel like I'm addicted on drugs or something. I get my highs from his calls and then when he doesn't for a few weeks, then I feel the lows. I'm still stuck on him, aren't I?

 

I just hope that with this light heart that I have, it will sustain me enough for me to start my busy new job and I won't hit the low again.