need relief

[Realitybites]

Well, it's christmas eve in a couple of days this part of the world (Scandinavia) and I am feeling like hell.

 

We broke up a couple of months ago in a very abrupt manner. After having practically lived at my place for 3 months, he suddenly disappeared completely on me, only to send some measly textmessages saying I shouldn't give up, that I should wait. But it was too painful for me, so I decided I couldn't take it anymore.

 

We had a final conversation at a time when the shock hadn't hit me yet, and I was very rational and "together". And he said he was actually relieved that I had decided not to wait, that it was all just too difficult.

Then the glory it all hit me of course, and I've been feeling terrible ever since.

 

About a month ago, we met again by accident and ended up back at my place for the night. I asked him three times that night for us to decide together that this was just for tonite, just so we wouldn't have to have the embarrassing conversation in the morning. And every time he said "no" he cared for me so much and he wanted to see me again. AFter the third I decided to believe him.

 

Needless to say, he reneged two days later, saying all he meant was that we could meet up for a beer sometime as friends. I felt very very used (do men really say anything for some sex? That's how terrible it felt).

 

Anyway, no contact for another month. Until last week, when I asked him if he could get me in to see this band that was playing at a club where he has VIP access. I was sure he wouldn't answer my text message. But he did, and really went out of his way to get me into the club. We met up, and we talked and I bought him drinks as thanks, and it was all nice and dandy.

The whole time I felt he wanted to tell me something. I was hoping for some closure, becuase this whole thing has been ripping me apart. I needed for me to forgive him IN PERSON, I needed for him to forgive me, as well. I just needed for us to part on good terms, since the last time we had met ended up so ugly.

 

Anyway, once I realized nothing was forthcoming (I didn't prod him, was totally laid back) I decided to join my friends who also were at the gig. Thanked him and left to another part of the club.

But he followed, and started talking to our common friends in the group of people I was with. Just as I was about to leave, I came over and told him we were leaving to this other place and that he should join us. He was about to say yes, his whole body moved forward to join us, but was in a conversation with someone who kept talking beside him, and suddenly said I should go ahead without him after all.

Something in my mind went click, and I sent him one text message after the other (5 in all), yes I was "inebriated" so my sense of control (and dignity) were diminished. He didn't answer one single one of my messages, nor did he answer his phone when I called once.

I am torn up. Everyhting he did tells me he wanted to make some sort of contact (as witnessed by my friends as well), and yet he pulled back. That is just making me crazy. I want to be over this, right now. I want to put this behind me. And these damn holidays (which I am spending alone with my brother) are making the pain really sharp.

SOmeone told me they had seen him a couple of weeks ago, and that he looked very depressed.

Any idea what might be going on? And what should I do? I want to stop crying and feeling desperate, it's so Shaming!

THANK YOU ANYONE FOR ANY RESPONSE.

GOD BLESS.

[russia]

yes, men will say anything for sex. you don't have to believe us. but you will, anyway, cos you want the relationship

 

you didn't really make a clean break, cos it's not a definite break. a definite break is like there's a third party and it's real love between one of the pair and the 3rd party. so this one needs a lot of logic (men have it better here, i think. we're more logical) to get out of. so he's been getting out of it, but everytime you come near, the logic flies out the window for the guy. but he snaps back into logic mood quickly enough, as you can see from his on-off reactions.

 

so you can either pull a let's-try-it-one-more-time thing, but you have to really change what's wrong with the relationship in the first place, or else really really give up, avoid, escape any communication with him. or else be really really cool in his presense especially among mutual friends.

[Realitybites]

Hi Russia,

And thanks for bothering to answer my (extremely long) email.

 

You just might be right about him losing his resolve around me. You see there was nothing ever wrong with our relationship. It was very intense, we were very passionate and with eachother most of the week. We never ever fought, and things were otherwise just very calm and balanced between us.

 

BUT i suppose he was on a rebound. 2 months before we hooked he had left an abusive (for him) relationship. So yes he has a lot of issues.

 

And of course he needs time for himself right now. But am I just stupid to cling on to hope?

 

Happy holidays to everyone.

[russia]

logically, the rebound person is just a nice cushion to soften his landing. tough for you, being the soft cushion.

 

some cushions manage to turn rebound into permanent love. most don't. i don't know the odds. but it seems the odds are not in your favour, at least now.

 

also, do you want to stay being a cushion? he doesn't see you as more than a cushion, so why make life hard for yourself and stay that way? you can always take it as a lesson in rebounding, and move on. other people will come along, but as you are not very good with rebounds, better stay clear of rebounding guys

[Realitybites]

Russia, i hate to admit it, but you're right. of course. aarg. thanks a lot for your input. i really appreciate it.

all the best.