A little insight would be helpful!

[KAT MOMMY]

Hello All!

Currently my financial situation is experiencing a drought. I live in the south and the rate of pay is horrible that I am making. I am a Certified Coding Specialist and currently work for a Non-Profit agency. I am so ready to flee from here. My daughter will be a 2nd grader next school year and I am just so not content with the way I am able to provide for her. My salary before I left here was double of what I am now seeing-I HATE IT! ! I have no money for summer activitites, as a result I am not able to afford the quality of clothing and the lifestyle that we were accustomed to. Last night she told me she is so bored now that school is out but I honestly can't afford to pay for the activitiy and also go summer shopping. This is starting to depress me something kinda major and I am so ready to just relocate.

 

I am awaiting my number in Southern Maryland and it is now at #30. I have my ex there who's awaiting for me to get all in place. He has a stable job, a apartment but at the same time I really don't want to go there and put him on the spot with me and my child. But I have to leave before I have a mental breakdown here. There's no one to help me out here and I have no social life. I am so depressed about making ends meet that I snap at my daughter when she askes to do and go simple places. I swear this job is the only job where I work my butt off so hard and this is the lowest paying job I have had since the age of 14! Busting my bottom for pennies sort to speak and something has got to give.

 

What is the best approach to follow regarding this move?

[EQD]

i have no clue. you could always grit your teeth until then though. me and my brother grew up reasonably poor. we got to go to the mall uptown twice a year. the true meaning of cabin fever... but since we had to deal with that at a young age and as we grew up we both found we could adapt alot better to not having anything to do. Other people went nuts while we thrived and got on just fine.

Its also alot cheaper to have low standards of entertainment. So i'd have to say overall it helped more than it hurt.

[KAT MOMMY]

i have no clue. you could always grit your teeth until then though. me and my brother grew up reasonably poor. we got to go to the mall uptown twice a year. the true meaning of cabin fever... but since we had to deal with that at a young age and as we grew up we both found we could adapt alot better to not having anything to do. Other people went nuts while we thrived and got on just fine.

Its also alot cheaper to have low standards of entertainment. So i'd have to say overall it helped more than it hurt.

 

I can truly relate ED-I am a product of a single-parent household so trust me I grew up in the struggle. I got 2 older sisters and one younger brother so I am the middle child and trust me it was not easy which is why I am the most independent one of my siblings. As soon as I got old enough I got out there and made money to support my mother and brother because my older two sisters just up and left us for dead. SO many nights I wouldn't even eat to be able to let my lil' bro have-so trust I know what poverty is and this is the reason I was so not happy to become a mom. I have a career thank the Lord that is able to support me and my daughter with out a man but it's just that this is not where the money is. I don't want to jump without a life support on hand-that is my biggest fear

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wouldn't recommend moving in with your ex..not unless that relationship has been re-kindled and is stable. Start job hunting in the area you want to be. Once you start the job hunt it might make you feel better that you are doing something positive to get out of your current place.

[ImThatGirl]

Do you have enough money to pay for the necessities?

 

What types of activities do you and your daughter like to do?

[KAT MOMMY]

I wouldn't recommend moving in with your ex..not unless that relationship has been re-kindled and is stable. Start job hunting in the area you want to be. Once you start the job hunt it might make you feel better that you are doing something positive to get out of your current place.

 

Yeah I know-I went ahead and looked on line a little while ago and the market is wide open-sign on bonuses and all. Thing is not finding a job-I know that once I fwd my resumes on out the calls will be rolling in to set up interviews-this I am sure of, I been in this field 11 years now. I will get an offer sooner than later but the things is -should I tell him that I am starting to hunt or what?

We have talked about this and the reason I was here for so long is because there were obligations that I had to handle. I am in the clear now and I am eager thing is where will I stay. I told him back in Sept. that I will call 2 days before I come there and that all the fun and games will be over. He agreed and told me that he'd be right there waiting-that not enough though-is it?

[EQD]

so whats the problem with living a little scrubby? i understand the need to want to give your kid a better life and all but as long as you two arent starving then whats the big deal? times like these make kids greatful i think.

[ImThatGirl]

^^ I second that ^^

 

Once people become accustomed to having more.... it's difficult sometimes to adjust to less.

 

I think it's a great lesson to be taught at an early age. Material items are nice but not in excess and not needed to be happy.

 

I do not think that any life altering decisions like moving back with an ex so that you have the material things again are great ideas.

[KAT MOMMY]

Do you have enough money to pay for the necessities?

 

What types of activities do you and your daughter like to do?

 

The necessities as far as what-the rent, gas and food? Yeah I have JUST enough to pay for that but am hustling for gas money. Let's say literally check to check living and that is not healthy.

 

Activities as far as movies, dinners, play dates, beaches pools etc. I have nothing for the summer for her to do because I can't afford it-Girl I just want to leave this place and look to the sky for better days. Her dad is in prison been there since 2006-and won't be home until 7/09! Can't get a dime from the state for public assistance-It's not good at all and I know the longer I stay the lower and lower I will get.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I told him back in Sept. that I will call 2 days before I come there and that all the fun and games will be over.

 

I am not sure what you mean by the fun and games will be over. If you are that close with him I would think that you should give him more than two days notice?

[KAT MOMMY]

^^ I second that ^^

 

Once people become accustomed to having more.... it's difficult sometimes to adjust to less.

 

I think it's a great lesson to be taught at an early age. Material items are nice but not in excess and not needed to be happy.

 

I do not think that any life altering decisions like moving back with an ex so that you have the material things again are great ideas.

 

 

Ok you got it confused a bit. The ex is not the issue-that is the helping hand though. Regardless if we get married or not he is still a dear friend to me and my child and he's been more of a father to her than her own Dad has. That is first point. Second point is the fact that she is used to having nice clothes, shoes etc she is rough as heck on it and being that it used to be quality things it lasted-now I buy her a pair of payless shoes and 2 weeks they are ripping apart. All the clothes she has had are too little now and I have to buy all brand new but as I said being that it is cheap it's soiled so fast which leaves me to go replace it within a month's time. What am I to do beat the crap out of her because she plays hard-that is the only enjoyment the girl gets. I can't afford to buy play clothes and then another set of things!

 

Thing is she has been accustomed to having nice things since birth so this is actually a life altering experience for her right now-

Don't get me wrong I am grateful for what I do have and trust it's been a never-ending battle to keep what we do have. We went from having it in abundance, to having less than what was needed, to having nothing and know to having NOTHING at all

 

Do you feel me now?

 

Now I am not going there for him to take care of me-as I said I am on list for a townhome indeed but I need to make more money. I have taken a pay cut moving down here-I literally made double the salary I am now making and I am not going BACK into the hole. Hell or High Water something has got to give.

[ImThatGirl]

I felt ya before Chica - I have two children. Live in an upscale community (in a not so upscale apt,) and sometimes deal with the paycheck to paycheck living.

 

It's not fun. It's hard. It's sad sometimes and it's rough.

 

A few years ago, I slowly started changing our expenses. My kids went from having Several outfits - getting many new toys, going shopping just for things to do and going to expensive entertainment locations.

 

Just got warm here a month / two months ago. I haven't bought a single piece of clothing for summer. Wait - let me change that - I bought some clothes at Family Dollar this past week. (We do get some hand me downs.) My son has two not so great looking pair of jean shorts. A couple other pairs of athletic shorts. It's summer - my kids wear shirts with stains on them too. (playwear.)

 

Is it easy to change spending habits? Nope - But I think the fact is it's harder for Mama than it truly is for the children. If you feel guilty for it, she's going to clue in on that and it's going to be harder for her to adjust.

 

Things to do.... Does it cost to go to the beach there? We have learned that there are many activities that are no cost around here (concert at the Gazebo, Wed, parks and pool weekend...)

[KAT MOMMY]

I am not sure what you mean by the fun and games will be over. If you are that close with him I would think that you should give him more than two days notice?

 

No I don't agree-2 days is more than enough time. If you are telling someone you will be and have been waiting for them then why would he need more time?? For what?/

 

See that is the thing-a lot of people can't understand what we have and how long this has been in motion. I am not going to go JUST because of him-that is not the point. So please for a moment just leave him and the romance out of the equation.

 

If you knew that you had a close friend that was willing to be there for you and your child-would you trust the situation knowing that your place will soon be ready>? I am a bit scared and this is why I guess I am up here speaking on it. Thing is where I will be is about 90 mins away from him so the intentions will be clear and precise once that time comes. IF he declines what can I do-LIVE as I been doing but only in a new place starting a new life. I know noone there and that is the thing that intrigues me but at the same time it scares me too. This is something he knows and this is a plan we both agreed on so I know that I can trust him-Not Depend on him but trust him.

[metrogirl]

As a single mother and single grandmother ( will be taking in all 4 of my grandchildren) I have come to realize that buying expensive items don't always mean quality. Some people just don't want their kids to wear anything less than name brand and if they got it like that, cool. For me, I know that I have to save dollars where I can and if that means I am looking for some of their stuff in the Goodwill, it's all good. I can and do find decent items of clothing for them to wear at a fraction of the cost.

 

I don't think it's a great idea to promote to a child that the only thing to wear is name brand high end stuff. She's really not going to know the difference. As long as you can still get her decent clothing that isn't tattered or stained, you could save some serious money.

 

Also, you can check with some of the churches around your neighborhood. A lot of times they have donated clothing and food stuff for those that are struggling. Never be ashamed to ask for help.. I have a good job that pays well but I struggle and I will not hesitate to ask for help.

 

Good luck with everything......

[ImThatGirl]

If you knew that you had a close friend that was willing to be there for you and your child-would you trust the situation knowing that your place will soon be ready>? I am a bit scared and this is why I guess I am up here speaking on it. Thing is where I will be is about 90 mins away from him so the intentions will be clear and precise once that time comes. IF he declines what can I do-LIVE as I been doing but only in a new place starting a new life. I know noone there and that is the thing that intrigues me but at the same time it scares me too. This is something he knows and this is a plan we both agreed on so I know that I can trust him-Not Depend on him but trust him.

 

No - absolutely not. Unless we had absolutely no other options.

[KAT MOMMY]

I understand where you are coming from indeed-but this has been going on for two years so trust we have adjusted major. I live in Eastern NC and nothing moves but the money here so honestly there is nothing that is free of charge. It is not a democracy and they only give you enough to be able to stand up-forget about walking and living-and for two years I been down here stressing out soooo bad.

She knows I feel guilly-she knows it hurts and she also knows that I am trying my hardest. I too just went to buy a few summer items this weekend for her and of course it was from Walmart...Me-forget about it I just have my same clothes and it really don't bother me too much for me because I haven't grown-mine still fit. It is stressful and I guess I know what I need to do-just wanted some input from the outside world. i was thinking about moving from a 2-bedroom to a one bedroom apt but I am getting put throught the loop because every one bedroom unit has so many restrictions and my credit is alright which is why I am stuck where I am-

[ImThatGirl]

Where you are thinking of moving, would cost of living be better? Could you move someplace where cost of living is better?

 

I just wanna say - I really do understand how difficult it is....

 

For me, I constantly tell my kids "yes it would be nice to have that, but, we don't need it, we are good and happy as we are." We get treats every now and then... But - when we can't do or get it, I make it more of a matter of fact issue rather than a sad day issue.

 

I believe that by insisting to my kids that what we have is enough and we should be happy with it, they will be happier children with less financial worries and remember me as a mother that was happy.

 

Another thing - do you all have friends or neighbors in your community to visit with?

 

One more: "Bored" is a hot word in my house. Meaning it's not allowed.

[KAT MOMMY]

See that is not the issue. Quality doesn't have to be name brand.

I never paid high dollar for the things in the past.

I would go to outlets, discounts store and department stores and I stayed on the clearence rack. Trust me I cheap-very cheap but I also like nice things and I was born with nothing and all I became accustomed to was the things I bought and paid for.

As for the churches and Goodwill deals-forget about it!! not down here-they won't even think about giving me anything because I work. The utilities company cut my lights out before for 12 bucks! I bought alot of my furniture from the antique shops and hand me downs are always welcomed but there are no family or friends we have that is her size-they are younger and much smaller. Oh and trust she does know the difference but that doesn't bother me. I had that conversation with her as soon as we moved to the south.

[KAT MOMMY]

-The cost of the rent will be 250 bucks-yeah really it's southern MD. Of course that is a plus being that I will indeed make more money.

I constantly remind her that we are more stable then what we have been and she is not sad but I can see her looking at other kids when they have something cool, or she'll just put her head down if she sees a cute outfit or a dog. I feel as if she is not going to say it to me but I know deep down my baby misses her Dad and probably silently cries about this life we are living now. She was afraid to tell me but said she wants to go live with him when he comes home-you know that killed my soul-just last night we had that conversation.

I do have family here but they are negative influences on her-no little cousins either and these children down here are already talking about sex-! so I don't let her associate with them all that often..

 

I can admit to really repriminding her about that "bored" word yes it made me upset and I told her to be grateful for what she does have etc, etc-but I have to admit I cried my eyes out as soon as she went to bed

[EQD]

lol payless is expensive. when i was a kid all i got were hand me downs and maybe some goodwill stuff. i wore one pair of shoes for 2 years before i got another pair. They cost $8.

i always thought it was funny about people's priorities alot of times has to do with how they were raised. my aunt used to go broke all the time and worry about bills but that never stopped her from shopping 2 days a week at TJ maxx or whatever it was.. hmm.. never made me wonder..

you can raise a child to think that new clothes and matching outfits every month or week or whatever is pretty important and they are going to probably grow up with those priorities. what you think is important is usually what they will be taught is important.

With my dad it was paying the bills and stretching the dollar as far as it would go. and as a result the apple didnt fall too far from the tree.

[KAT MOMMY]

OK-that was you. I grew up in the projects with the roaches and the rats. We had to eat all our school lunch because sometimes we didnt have anything for dinner. I can remember wearing a pair of boots for 3 winters straight-I would squeeze into my dress shoes and lie and say they still fit in order for my little brother could get a new pair because his would be coming apart. We lived in a two-bedroom apartment-3 girls and one boy all of us on one full-size bed so trust me I know what it is to go without. I had all I owned in a storage unit for a full year and this was just 2006 so trust me it's not been a walk in the park at all. I had my daughter down here and moved when she was 2 years old to go back home to make decent money so this is a similar situation. I had my daughter at the age of 21 after school and all was done to make sure I had a stable career to support her. I came back here for the school system and to wait until my residence is ready. Thing is it is taking longer than I expect and my intuition is telling me to quit this while I am still ahead-mentally and physically.

 

I teach my child that education and respect is the most important things in life. all the other material things come but in time. She does understand it just pains me that she has done swell in school all year made her grade and now has NOTHING to do on summer break. As a child I could remember coming down south for the summer, youth programs that were FREE of charge, summer jobs and even going to the city to spend a month with my dad-none of those things are an option for her as a child and that is what really hurts me.

I worked so hard from the age of 14 till I turned 19 and was able to move my mother and brother here to North Carolina-all on my own. They came in 1999 and they just became stable in 2005 and I fell off in 2006. I paid tuition for my little brother for his first two years of college and now he is in grad school. See but I was making 30-40K a year so it all evened out and money wasn't an issue. Now that I am barely making 18 it's very hard. I was tired of living at the poverty line which is why I went back to school in 2006 and I figured the degree would make a difference here in the south but it doesn't.

 

I just have to do what works for me and my child and if it means ditching here to see my way clear then that is what I have to do. I believe that it does get greater later but as it gets to be later things are beginning to get worse off and this is something I am having to bear. I am just tired of being broke ALL the time. I know that I can do 10x better elsewhere and I am determined to do just that,

 

 

Thanks for all your replies guys, appreciated it.

 

SO long...

[ImThatGirl]

You are right - this is all up to you and what works for you and your daughter.

 

But it seems that things aren't going very well - neither you or your daughter are feeling so great.....

 

Your question about moving with your friend and the comment about "call him 2 days in advance and all the fun will end..." I think you are putting your daughter and yourself at risk of suffering more vulnerability, instability, and heartache...

 

jmho

[KAT MOMMY]

You are right - this is all up to you and what works for you and your daughter.

 

But it seems that things aren't going very well - neither you or your daughter are feeling so great.....

 

Your question about moving with your friend and the comment about "call him 2 days in advance and all the fun will end..." I think you are putting your daughter and yourself at risk of suffering more vulnerability, instability, and heartache...

 

jmho

 

 

I have thought about that as well and this is the reason for my thread. I was stupid by leaving him in the first place and giving her father a chance to be a family, honestly this is what has already happened. I mean you are right and that is a fact to consider. Of course I won't leave until I have an exact date the new place will be ready and a job already set up with a start date. I have a car and I have a bit of money saved up.

So you wouldn't leave you would just stay and continue to sink further and further in the hole?

I mean when the chips are down he's been there to help me and my child out. I promoted his move by putting myself on the list, and I helped him get the job he has now. He has his own place now too thanks to me telling him I was finally almost ready. Of course he is still a man and I'm not overlooking that either. He was there my whole 9 months and he was inthe room when I delivered her. He wanted to play Daddy then but I left and gave him a chance to experience life and all it has to offer and still after 2 years he is still excited at the idea of what the future holds. But you are right that will leave us a bit vulnurable and insecure because he pretty much is needed.

On way or another something has to be done by August

[ImThatGirl]

I'm confused about one thing - - is it moving in with your friend or moving closer to your friend?

[ImThatGirl]

So you wouldn't leave you would just stay and continue to sink further and further in the hole?

 

I am a stubborn Mama... I'd stay and fight to make it... I'd keep climbing the mountain unless I was broken and couldn't anymore. I know it's hard but I believe that you can make it.

I mean when the chips are down he's been there to help me and my child out. I promoted his move by putting myself on the list, and I helped him get the job he has now. He has his own place now too thanks to me telling him I was finally almost ready. Of course he is still a man and I'm not overlooking that either. He was there my whole 9 months and he was inthe room when I delivered her. He wanted to play Daddy then but I left and gave him a chance to experience life and all it has to offer and still after 2 years he is still excited at the idea of what the future holds. But you are right that will leave us a bit vulnurable and insecure because he pretty much is needed.

On way or another something has to be done by August

 

It seems to me that the biggest issue is that you are looking at him as "safety" and "happiness." Am I right that he adores you?

 

Do you love him?

 

Do you plan on living as a couple (you in his room) or ?

 

I think that if you are just looking at him as your safety or way out of this hardship..... you may want to think much harder about what is right for you and your daughter.

 

I'm telling you.... I'd like a break. Sometimes I think for a minute "eh - maybe I should give a guy a chance.... life would be so much easier." But - I refuse to put myself or my children in the situation of moving around often (as is possible if you are not happy with him.)