Mishmash Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 When your first child was born, were you jealous that the baby took some of your wife's attention away from you? If so, to what degree and for how long? Did you resent the baby, even if it was planned? Just wondering because in my situation my stbx was extremely resentful of 'sharing time'. I thought this was a normal reaction until a co-worker thought my stbx reaction was unhealthy. Any input? Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 In every instance i've ever seen some jealousy is normal however going as far as being resentful of the baby is a bit extreme. It's normal to want some time for yourself but you have to realize there is an extra person there that you have to share with and guys who can't share even with their own children will have a miserable life. Link to comment
lillie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 My ex & father of my children was jealous of the babies & the cat. So much so that he took my cat away somewhere & left him. I got out before he took the kids away too. Sicko,i hope he rots in hell! Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 My ex & father of my children was jealous of the babies & the cat. So much so that he took my cat away somewhere & left him. I got out before he took the kids away too. Sicko,i hope he rots in hell! That is horrible! Link to comment
lillie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 That is horrible! Yes i think he is one of the sickest people i have ever come accross. But he was charming & attractive in the beginning.. Then one night when my son was around 18 month old,he caught a bad cold so i went to lay with him & comfort him in his bed,when his dad literally kicked the bedroom door off the hinges & upturned the bed we were laid on. He did warn me not to go up & sit with him but he was really poorly & i had to. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Yes i think he is one of the sickest people i have ever come accross. But he was charming & attractive in the beginning.. Then one night when my son was around 18 month old,he caught a bad cold so i went to lay with him & comfort him in his bed,when his dad literally kicked the bedroom door off the hinges & upturned the bed we were laid on. He did warn me not to go up & sit with him but he was really poorly & i had to. Wow so glad you got away from that. Link to comment
lillie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Wow so glad you got away from that. Yeh me too! He knocked me out too just because i tried to stop him from shaking the baby because he was crying. I woke up up stairs on my bed & my son was in his room. I was totally disorientated & went to the bathroom looking for the baby. Its a weird sensation being knocked out! I dont remember hitting the floor or anything! So let this be a warning to anyone out there who has a partner who is jealous of the baby.. Link to comment
Mishmash Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 Wow Lillie - so, so glad you were able to get out of that situation! Did he have an explosive temper before you had kids? Mine wasn't physically abusive, he just ignored them. BUT...one time when our daughter was a toddler, he did make a comment one time (when he was frustrated) that he 'envisioned throwing her against a wall and seeing her slide down'. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Some men marry to replace their mommies and some marry for a care giver because they don't want to learn or are to lazy. Being insecure can lead to more than a few symptoms of unwanted behavior. Sounds like he was insecure and couldn't see that the baby was the most important thing in your lives instead of competition. The bond between mother and child can never be replicated between father and child no matter how hard us guys try and some men have a problem with that too. I think I have said this before but we can be idiots at times, just as long as it doesn't turn into a pattern. lost Link to comment
lillie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Wow Lillie - so, so glad you were able to get out of that situation! Did he have an explosive temper before you had kids? Mine wasn't physically abusive, he just ignored them. BUT...one time when our daughter was a toddler, he did make a comment one time (when he was frustrated) that he 'envisioned throwing her against a wall and seeing her slide down'. I should have got out sooner really. But my son believe it or not grew up resenting me for leaving him fatherless. He understands now & detests his dad & hasnt seen him for years,but it was very hard because he was too young to understand,which im glad about.. But your post is just as terrible! How can a parent imagine doing that to the child? And with such detail too? Is he your ex now? Iv never been able to comprehend child cruelty in any way shape or form,but when its from the parent its even worse.. Link to comment
Mishmash Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 Sounds like he was insecure and couldn't see that the baby was the most important thing in your lives instead of competition. lost One of the other issues is that he didn't like the fact that I breast-fed because 'they' were 'his'. I don't know if this is normal guy thoughts, I assume they are because he expressed this resentment/jealousy... Link to comment
lillie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Some men marry to replace their mommies and some marry for a care giver because they don't want to learn or are to lazy. Being insecure can lead to more than a few symptoms of unwanted behavior. Sounds like he was insecure and couldn't see that the baby was the most important thing in your lives instead of competition. The bond between mother and child can never be replicated between father and child no matter how hard us guys try and some men have a problem with that too. I think I have said this before but we can be idiots at times, just as long as it doesn't turn into a pattern. lost Your right he was very insecure. He needed all the attention all of the time. He blamed his behaviour on his upbringing but his sister was fine! In fact i would definitely go as far as saying he was a complete narcissist...with a very violent twist. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Wow what the hell is wrong with some people I can't believe they would be that jealous over their own flesh and blood it's kinda sickening. Link to comment
lillie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 One of the other issues is that he didn't like the fact that I breast-fed because 'they' were 'his'. I don't know if this is normal guy thoughts, I assume they are because he expressed this resentment/jealousy... Good grief how sad!!! By the way whats stbx? I may have done the letters wrong there.. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 By the way whats stbx? soon to be ex Link to comment
lillie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 soon to be ex Oh i see...thanks for that Link to comment
Mishmash Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 But my son believe it or not grew up resenting me for leaving him fatherless. He understands now & detests his dad & hasnt seen him for years I'm glad that you and your sons' relationship has mended. How hard it must have been knowing your son had those feelings about you, when what you did was for both of your well-being. The truth has a way of being known... but it was very hard because he was too young to understand,which im glad about Yes, especially when it was physical. No need for your son to be carrying those memories around with him. But your post is just as terrible! How can a parent imagine doing that to the child? And with such detail too? Is he your ex now? Iv never been able to comprehend child cruelty in any way shape or form,but when its from the parent its even worse.. He's my stbx. Like I mentioned, he basically ignored them. Never played ball, games, rode a bike, even talked to them. They were just there. I posted this before in other forums, but he told them flat out that his on-line relationship was more important to him than his relationship with them. Flew out a few days later to her and had an affair. End of story. Link to comment
lillie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I'm glad that you and your sons' relationship has mended. How hard it must have been knowing your son had those feelings about you, when what you did was for both of your well-being. The truth has a way of being known... Yes, especially when it was physical. No need for your son to be carrying those memories around with him. He's my stbx. Like I mentioned, he basically ignored them. Never played ball, games, rode a bike, even talked to them. They were just there. I posted this before in other forums, but he told them flat out that his on-line relationship was more important to him than his relationship with them. Flew out a few days later to her and had an affair. End of story. Oh my god!!! I just cant believe he would do & say that??? Whats is wrong with the people? Well i can tell you they will probably end up very lonely old men,well i hope so! Like my son had his first son in Feb this year. His dad doesnt even know. And for all i know he might want & miss his family,but we dont miss him,he's dead to us.. I hope your not too upset about him leaving,even though its downright sick what he has said & done. Because believe me the relief of knowing that your childs wellbeing & emotional growth is back on track is worth every tear.If you have any,which i didnt.. Link to comment
sidehop Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I'm never jealous of my daughter, I mean she's not the one responsible of all the sleep depreviation, less time between my g/f and I as well as lack of being able to really spend time together. It's every parents responsibility. But I did go through "honey we haven't had sex in awhile..." after she was born. And it's VERY difficult sometimes, we've gotten into arguments since I started to feel...inadequate even after six months after she gave birth. It's been a great learning experience and still continues. It's been over a year and it's taking time but her and I are not only focusing much needed attention our daughter deserves but to relax, spend as much time together as possible (I had my faults too!) and really learn to understand what the mother actually goes through after birth. I've read number of articles and other forums and glad to know that I'm not the only one that go through something like this. As far as super jealous fathers go, he needs to get a slap in a head and do some studying. The baby should NEVER be the reason to get jealous. A man could not go through what a mother giving birth to a child could. Link to comment
NowandZen Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I was a young first time father. (23) We had not planned our first one, but it's not like it came as a surprise. I was never resentful of my daughter, I though she was amazing. One thing about 1st time dads, though, is that it's a COMPLETE life change that we are not ready for. In my case, I just wasn't sure how to adapt at first. I don't think I was jealous of the attention she got, per se, but as an example, sometimes after she was put to bed my wife was too tired to do anything with me. I think that ticked me off (this was a while ago, you tend to gloss over memories that make you look bad) As she got older, the things she did often interfered with the things I wanted to do. She's 18 now, maybe she's getting married soon (who knows?) and she still is able to upset whatever plans I might have. I'm better able to deal with it now, and I almost expect it. Maybe it's just my personality, but within a year of her birth, I would say that I had adpated to the new reality. Your STBX may have a personality that doesn't allow him to adapt as quickly, or at all. Link to comment
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