Why do i care about him when he treats me badly?

[May85]

Hi,

 

I've been with my boyfriend for two months now and i'm really having a hard time. He does things like ignore my text messages and doesn't call me for days at a time. When he finally decides to talk to me he pretends everything is fine. When i ask him why he ignores me he denies that he does and says that he's just been busy. I generally don't believe that excuse because when we first started dating he called me twice a day and sent me messages every chance that he had.

 

He recently did something really hurtful that caused me to stop talking to him for a while (he was supposed to meet me somewhere and didn't show up or return my calls). He started trying to talk to me again and pretended that he did nothing wrong. Only after i told him that he didn't seem at all sorry about what he did, he apologized and called himself a jerk. He says that he didn't know i was already there (and he didn't) and that he thought i was still home and apologized for not calling. Now that he finally got me to talk to him again, he started ignoring me again. It hurts me when he does that b/c i don't know what he's doing and who he's with and it really makes me feel that he doesn't care about me.

 

I think things started to go downhill after we discussed what we both want from each other. I'm 18, a virgin, and he is my first boyfriend. I explained that my parents were strict when i was younger and that's why i'm relatively new at relationships. I explained that i don't hook up with random people and that anything remotely intimate that may take place between us will only take place in a relationship (and when enough time has passed for me to be able to fully trust and know him). He's 25, has been with other women, and says that it's hard for him to have a relationship with someone who isn't willing to do what is normally done with your boy/girlfriend, which basically means everything sexual besides actual sex. Being intimate with him (excluding sex) wouldn't be a problem for me if i was 100% sure that he cares about me but it's hard to feel loved when you're being ignored and are feeling rushed. I just have a feeling that if i comply, he'll get what he wants and leave me afterwards and that's why i refuse to do anything with him.

 

So basically the bad treatment came after he realized that i'm not easy and that i respect myself. He isn't ALWAYS a mean guy and we have our good moments too. I know that every single person will say that i should just leave him, and i know i should, but i can't bring myself to do it b/c i've gotten so attatched to him and i really do care for him. And it's also not b/c i'm afraid to be alone b/c i actually went on a date with another guy to see if i could find someone better. It turns out that this other guy is really nice and likes me, but i decided i didn't want to pursue him b/c i still want to be with my boyfriend (which really really makes me mad at myself). I guess i just feel that things will get better with time and that he'll eventually respect me again. I KNOW this is wrong and stupid...but why do i care so much about and want to be with someone who makes me feel so bad?

 

Maybe i'm naive, but I truly don't want to end it with him b/c i believe that things should and can be worked out. What can i say to him to make him understand that what he does hurts me??? How can i get through to him?? Please help me.

 

Thank you

[MrKawabata]

I think your boyfriend is using/manipulating you. If you are uncomfortable with him, or do not trust his actions, then don't go through with it. Better to be safe than sorry. You are young - what is a few more months for something that is for long term? Have him prove to you that he is patient and willing to earn your commitment.

[May85]

Have him prove to you that he is patient and willing to earn your commitment.

 

How do i do that? What can i do??

[dophar]

It's not really what you can do, it's something he has to do on his own. Talk to him about it. You need someone that you can trust, that you can feel comfortable/compatible with. If he doesn't meet your needs, you simply need to find someone else who will. It's tough to make that decision; I just broke up with someone for the same problem. I wanted to stay with her because I really cared for her, but I wasn't getting what I needed in our relationship.

 

Don't let him push you into having sex with him for the belief that he wouldn't put you down ever again. Don't ever consider being intimate in the more extreme ways with anyone until you find yourself comfortable sharing secrets like that. If he is understanding of you and he cares about you, he will support your needs; you will find yourself more comfortable with him.

 

But if he's not, you'll have to bite the bullet and be brave, because it's going to hurt for the first week or two. After that and you find someone who will support your needs, someone you'll be happier with, you'll be more thankful for breaking up with him.

[MrKawabata]

You have only been together 2 months and he wants sex already? Does he care about what you think and feel? And if he loves you, why is he ignoring your text messages? Tell him that you don't feel comfortable about him ignoring your messages. Tell him that he has to marry you first before you have sex with him. Does he know your family? What do your parents think of him? And what advice do your parents give you? And what is his viewpoint on getting married, children, etc....? Many questions to answer before you know him better and what he is willing to give up for you. He has to appreciate you for who you are. If he is not willing to do that the two of you may not be compatible.

[MrKawabata]

I agree with Dophar

 

If he is understanding of you and he cares about you, he will support your needs; you will find yourself more comfortable with him.

 

Good post and well said.

[May85]

I've asked him why he ignores me and he says that that is the way he is used to dealing with things, which is rediculous. My mom knows that i'm with him but doesn't really know much else and i haven't told my dad anything b/c he's really strict and i don't want to deal with that right now. My parents aren't the supportive type when it comes to me and dating. I'm their only girl so they'd rather lock me up than see me with a guy and they've never been the type to openly discuss these things with me. That really is a disservice for me b/c i really would appreciate them offering advice and trusting me to do the right thing.

 

My boyfriend basically takes me for granted. He thinks i'll always be around and put up with all of his mistreatment. The only way i get him to care is if i'm mad at him. I know eventually something will put me over the edge and i'll give him up...but as for the present, i just don't know what to do and how to get through to him...

[MrKawabata]

Maybe if you implemented the "no contact rule" would make him realise things and take notice of your needs?

 

Here is the link to the "no contact rule" discussion. Very informative:

link removed

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

What I would do is ask myself why are you letting him treat you this way period. If you give in and have sex with this guy, then what if he leaves you after you give in. You don't need to put up with this, this is about respect. Not his sex conquest with women.

How would he like it if you stood him up somewhere. He sounds like he has some issues with what he really wants other than just sex, and seems selfish. If you told him he is hurting you and he continues to do it, well then you need to stop your own bleeding. And quit going back for the abuse. You deserve to be treated with respect, and if he does not understand that. Well then he needs to go learn what respect is. Love is only two spoken words between two people. And that means both people have to be involved to make it all happen.

 

Good Luck...Happy Holidays

 

Kukl

[Mar]

My boyfriend basically takes me for granted. He thinks i'll always be around and put up with all of his mistreatment. The only way i get him to care is if i'm mad at him.

 

Okay, that whole statement seems to sum up your relationship, and show just how wrong the whole thing is. No one should EVER take another person for granted, because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

 

I treat every relationship I have, whether with friends, loved ones or a significant other, as though that's my last day with them. Yes, I get into fights/arguments, everyone does, but you should NEVER take someone for granted and mistreat them when they don't follow your ideals or wants or general greediness/shallowness! Why would you WANT to stay? So far we've only heard of how you basically have to chase him to get him to pay attention to you, and even then he does it grudgingly and doesn't see the error of his ways, much less apologize-has he missed the fact that a relationship involves 2 people paying equal attention to it?

 

Love is only two spoken words between two people. And that means both people have to be involved to make it all happen

 

Absolutely right. It's about the actions being shown, the respect, the caring, the respect, the mutual attraction; did I mention the respect? lol

You're catering to this guy's ego at the moment, from the sound of it, having to do all the work in gaining his attention. Sex is a nice benefit of love between two people, but NOT what a relationship should be built on, by any means. If he's getting antsy and pressuring you for sex when you're not comfortable with it, there goes any respect right there. Your body and the trust you show in giving yourself to someone is the biggest commitment you can make. If he isn't treating you with love and concern and respect and showing as much attention to you and the problems in the relationship as you are to him, that's an issue.

 

I won't go on, as everyone else has stated the things I'd keep on saying. Just take this into very careful consideration.....you have these doubts now; they're only going to multiply tenfold as this relationship keeps going. If you suspect that he's going to dump you after you have sex with him, and you haven't even been intimate, trust your gut. Anyone who places that kind of pressure on you for sex is pinning their goals up loud and clear, and I get the feeling your instinct on this may very probably be right. He's not worth you sacrificing yourself in such a huge step when he's being so blatantly ignorant of the rest of the relationship!

 

Mar

[kdreger]

A few things - apologies for being blunt.

 

He's shallow and two months, although not short, is not a lifetime. You're young and you don't want to write off two months of your time and effort. Don't get yourself into a bad situation (and you KNOW it's a bad situation) just because you've invested some time and he was sweet ONCE.

 

You are falling into a classic "chasing" trap. You are now chasing him. He chased you at the beginning and made you feel important and now the roles have switched. He's playing you and it's a classic. His strategy is to make you NEED him and to want to get him BACK to what he was at the beginning of the relationship and as far as I can tell, it's working.

 

He's 25 and if your actively dating at 25 you can get sex way before two months. Hell, you can get sex on the first date depending on the girl. I'm not saying the fact that you are waiting is wrong but, as pathetic as it sounds, it puts you at a disadvantage if your dating someone as shallow as him.

 

You have limited experience in serious relationships, you have controlling parents and you probably have a low self-worth. These combined make you easily manipulated. You feel as if you need to earn his love and that this is all a "test" of your love. Not true. REAL love happens naturally. Don't mixing the courting period (when he was nice) to reality (what is happening now).

 

My suggestion is to DUMP HIM. DO NOT believe that you can't do better and don't ever think he's not playing you - he is. Don't fall for it as you will feel like a fool for years to come and he won't appreciate it's significance for you.

[Jamiegirl]

All I can say is that it sounds like that he doesnt care about what you want , I would leave him if i were you there are plenty of other guys out there that are willing and want to treat you with the respect that you deserve.

 

Trust me on this I've been in your shoes.

Good Luck

[May85]

I've read all of your comments and i'm really grateful that you've all replied. Thanks to all of your support, i've realized that i really don't deserve to be treated like garbage. No one deserves that. After reading and re-reading all of your replies, i decided that i'm going to end things with him.

 

I sent him a message stating that i've thought a lot about our situation and i feel that he doesn't, nor will he ever, care about me and that i don't deserve to be treated that way. I then proceeded to tell him that i don't think we should talk anymore.

 

Every time i was mad at him before, all he would have to do is say one thing and i'd fall back in, swearing that it'll be different this time. But thanks to all of you, you've made me see that he's manipulating me and that he'll never change. I feel good about it this time. I know he won't change and regardless of what he says, i have no intention of going back. Again, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel a lot better now and i couldn't have done it without you. I just hope now that i'll meet someone who will respect and appreciate me. Thanks again

[MrKawabata]

Yeah, I didn't think this bloke was right for you, and I am pleased for you that you will now look for a guy who respects and appreciates you for who you are. You will be happier with a person who does. You don't want to give your heart away too easily. Well done, I applaud your decision, and I wish you a very Happy Christmas! [/b]