Is This Infidelity? (Discussion topic, not a problem)

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I love making posts when I don't have a problem!

 

I was wasting exam revision time online earlier and I came accross a link to Red Light Centre (google it). It's an online interactive communities with avatars representing people who move around between environments etc. The gimmick is that its unashamedly geared towards virtual hookups, sex, etc.

 

So...are members on there who have partners cheating if their partners didn't know?

 

Or since it's all cartoony computer-y *people*, is it different?

 

My personal view is that its on the *cheating side* - active emotional/sexual involvement with other people, and these sort of things can become very addictive/escapist, like Second Life? It's not like porn, which is one sided..there's active involvement from the "viewer", and some real human contact (albeit via a picture).

 

any thoughts?

[novaseeker]

To me it certainly *is* cheating. Red Light Centre is basically pretty much like Second Life, except it is even more geared towards explicit behavior (as hard as it is to be more geared towards that than SL is!!).

 

I have an avatar in SL, and I have some friends there as well. In my time in SL I have personally seen on more than one occasion how people get involved with their virtual SO to the detriment of their real life relationship -- and even a few cases where the real world SO learned of it which led to massive problems for that relationship. It's cheating, to me, because you are interacting with another person, and yes people do get emotionally involved and even sexually involved as well, at least in terms of being very turned on sexually.

 

So, yes, to me it's cheating.

[Loki71]

So...are members on there who have partners cheating if their partners didn't know?

 

Yes it is point blank. My wife was unhappy and I found out she was on link removed. Though she never met any men face to face she was cheating on me. Anytime you have to sneak around to talk to someone of the opsite sex and the topic is sexual or not your cheating. remember you don't have to be physical with someone to cheat.

[Raiden]

Infidelity. My view is that any interaction with another person outside of your relationship which is anything but platonic in context is 'cheating', whether IRL or in a virtual/online environment.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's technically cheating but it is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship (and it's tacky!), just like it would be if the person had an active profile up on an on line dating site but never met anyone. And of course it is cheating if the couple discuss in advance that they would view this as cheating.

 

I will add another example but if this hijacks the thread in any way ( I am assuming this includes any close to the line examples) no need to respond or I can delete. Man in exclusive relationship contacts old girlfriend from 20 years ago through a networking site. His purpose in contacting is simply curiosity - no romantic feelings whatsoever - as their families were close at the time they dated, etc.

 

Old girlfriend responds with a short friendly email about how she is married, ages of her kids, and inquires about old boyfriend's family and old boyfriend's current career. Old boyfriend responds with information about his family and career and includes information about his wonderful girlfriend. He ends with "if you and your husband and family are ever in town, it would be great to see you and meet them." No response.

 

So, has boyfriend done anything wrong? Does he need to tell girlfriend that he wrote to an old girlfriend? Was it ok to suggest meeting since he included meeting her family as well?

 

I would say - no - he doesn't need to tell her - it is like contacting any old friend from many years ago but if he plans to meet up with them he should tell his girlfriend about the plan and invite her along if she wants to come.

[Raiden]

I don't think it's technically cheating but it is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship (and it's tacky!), just like it would be if the person had an active profile up on an on line dating site but never met anyone.

 

"Active" implies that he/she is logging in on a regular basis with the intent of using the site for what it's description alludes to: ideally, meet other singletons and subsequently hook up.

 

This wouldn't be cheating? Or at least, severely detrimental to the relationship's integrity?

[Batya33]

I thought the OP was talking about a man having cybersex with people he has never met - so, would it be cheating to watch a porn movie and get actively turned on even if you're not interacting with the people in the movie? Where do you draw the line? I definitely think it's gross, inconsistent with being in a relationship, but not sure it is cheating.

[novaseeker]

I guess I draw a distinction between (1) interaction with another human being and (2) passive viewing of video material or pictures without interaction with another human being. I think that cybersex is cheating because it involves another person.

[Batya33]

I probably would put that in the category of heavy flirting since there is no touching and nothing in person. Which is tacky, and disrespectful.

[Raiden]

I thought the OP was talking about a man having cybersex with people he has never met - so, would it be cheating to watch a porn movie and get actively turned on even if you're not interacting with the people in the movie? Where do you draw the line? I definitely think it's gross, inconsistent with being in a relationship, but not sure it is cheating.

 

Watching porn and having 'cybersex' are totally different lingoes.

 

I think that cybersex is cheating because it involves another person.

 

Precisely.

[Batya33]

Yes but it does not involve physical contact with another person. So, where do you draw the line? Is talking about sex on line cheating? Is it only cheating if you talk specifically about doing it with the other person? To me if there is no physical contact or no actual in person date between the people it might justify breaking up because of the disrespect, the tackiness, but it is not technically cheating unless the people decided that it is cheating even if the person is not physically present.

[novaseeker]

It's definitely a grey area. But I can say that I know people whose real world relationships have cratered due to online "cheating" -- cybersex and emotional affairs on the internet. But not everyone sees it that way -- it depends on the couple. I'm a bit of a curmudgeon when it comes to cheating (I also think heavy flirting is cheating, for example) -- not because I'm perfect myself (lol) but I just think that things you wouldn't do with your partner around are likely to be cheating types of things.

[Portage]

I guess I draw a distinction between (1) interaction with another human being and (2) passive viewing of video material or pictures without interaction with another human being. I think that cybersex is cheating because it involves another person.

 

Cybersex is most definitely cheating. It is an emotional/sexual connection that you would never have with just a 'friend'.

[Raiden]

Yes but it does not involve physical contact with another person. So, where do you draw the line? Is talking about sex on line cheating? Is it only cheating if you talk specifically about doing it with the other person? To me if there is no physical contact or no actual in person date between the people it might justify breaking up because of the disrespect, the tackiness, but it is not technically cheating unless the people decided that it is cheating even if the person is not physically present.

 

IMO, non-platonic interaction is non-platonic interaction. 'Cybersex' may be tacky in itself, but cheating is cheating whether the environment is online or IRL. We'll agree to disagree.

[Batya33]

So then, having a sexual attraction to someone else that you don't act on would also be cheating, according to that definition.

 

I would not date someone who was into cybersex/phone sex other than in the context of a committed relationship - whether or not it is cheating or whether or not he was single when he participated.

 

I do not think heavy flirting is cheating.

[novaseeker]

So then, having a sexual attraction to someone else that you don't act on would also be cheating, according to that definition.

 

How so? An attraction is not "doing something" -- it's innate. Attractions and feelings are not cheating -- it depends on what you do with them, of course, but I think you agree.

 

 

I do not think heavy flirting is cheating.

 

How about this scenario. Your SO is in a bar with a friendly woman next to him. They are flirting, kind of like this:

 

SO: Mmm baby I'm just imagining what it feels like to kiss your mouth

OW: Mmmm ... love it ...

SO: My tongue in your mouth, probing, playing with your tongue

OW: Mmmm .. oh baby yes ...

SO with your tongue now, kissing you passionately, swirling inside your mouth ... etc

 

Would that conversation, taking place in real life at a bar, not be cheating?

[Raiden]

So then, having a sexual attraction to someone else that you don't act on would also be cheating, according to that definition.

 

Again, this only involves one person, as does your parallel with watching pornography.

 

Having sexual feelings (for someone other than your partner), while it may me 'wrong', isn't the same as acting upon them as far as the context of this discussion is concerned.

[Batya33]

I was just commenting on the broad definition someone gave.

 

Heavy flirting as you described would be tacky, gross, inappropriate behavior for someone in a committed relationship but no I wouldn't label it cheating. I most likely would end a relationship with someone who did something like that but not because he actually cheated. It's definitely a sign of someone who likely would cheat.

[novaseeker]

Hehe, okay that's fair enough. Different perspectives on that are interesting, I think.