Lack of Sex Drive / Escort?

[Nixxie]

Hello,

 

I'll try and make this as short as I can, sorry for so much writing!

 

I'm eighteen-years-old and I don't really have any desire to have sex. This originates from when I was very young - when the thought of sex made me feel sick (basically, I can't remember a time when I felt differently in all my memory).

 

I heard that having sex would be painful for the first time - a lot of my friends complained - and so I was put off further and the first time I tried was Hell. Any attempts would put me in such instant pain. That's when I went to someone to see if there was something physically wrong with me.

 

I found out I most probably have vaginismus (in brief - makes it very hard and painful to attempt to penetrate). I blame myself for this, admittedly, 'cause it's a psychological problem for me. (And it puts me off sex more...). I don't know anyone else like me.. If anyone is similar, please tell me! I know that I can't be the only person in the world to feel like this, but I've never heard it from anyone else.

 

My boyfriend was and is really supportive, we have been together for nearly two years. During which, I have made progress, but am still unable to have sex.

 

The trouble is, he is nearly twenty-years-old and said that he feels bad that he won't be able to say that he was not a virgin during his teenage years.

 

I have ALWAYS offered for him to go to an escort or something as I recognise that it is of importance to him. But, he won't take up that offer 'cause he's too much of a shy person about it! I don't want him to regret anything later on either.

 

This whole thing makes me feel as if I'm less of a person for not wanting to have sex so much. At the same time, I don't hate the way I am at all. I can't help it and it doesn't bother me either. I'm perfectly happy, it's other people that make it an issue for me.

 

I feel extremely bad for my boyfriend though. But, I don't want to hear him complain all the time because I feel bad and like I'm under so much pressure to hurry up, which I think makes it harder for myself to get to the stage of being able to have sex! What am I supposed do?

 

Should just just force him to take up the escort idea or leave him to it?

I don't know what our options are, really.

 

The thing is, I don't really want to have sex (apart from for him, 'cause it would make him happy and thus make me happy) and I'm wondering if that's what's perhaps causing vaginismus. If so, what do I do about that?

 

I was pretty sure, throughout my childhood, that I would never have a partner because all partners want intimacy and sex, whereas I don't see that as a necessity, I could go largely without it, to be honest.

 

I'm thinking, should I just dump him and be on my own forever? It would make me sad because I adore my boyfriend to pieces and don't want to deprive myself of happiness, but this really upsets me and I don't want to feel like I'm restricting him.

[vermilion]

Oh, there was a woman on here a while back who had a very thick hymen so it was pretty much very painful and impossible for her too. I'm not sure if she's still on the site though.

 

It doesn't sound like a physical problem though. It also doesn't sound like something anyone on here can really help you with that much.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[d24]

I can see the dilemma but don't you worry that if he starts to have sex, and enjoys it like the majority of the population does, that he'll pressure you for it more. Posibly to the point of realising there's no future for you two if physical intimacy is off the card (i.e. find someone else who he can have a physical and emotional connection with?)

 

I'm not a girl, but in your situation I'd fear that sending him to an escort would result in (ultimately) him leaving you. Sorry that's a very negative way to look at things huh?

 

If you can't get over your psychological issues, and it's something he wants / needs you need to have a serious talk with him because it's not worth stringing out your relationship if one or both of you could potentially view it as a 'waste of time', that's really not fair is it?

[xXPusHedAsiDeXx]

Personally, I don't think an escort would solve any problems; it would just create more.

 

You're boyfriend sounds like a really supportive guy, be proud of him!

 

 

It does generally seem like it's based around your mental disposition, as you said; it's been this way since you were young.

 

Just take things slowly, and try and enjoy the physical intimacy that takes place, instead of placing your thoughts on what COULD happen during it. Enjoy the moment!

[EQD]

so you'd like your bf to have sex with another woman.

and somehow that would make you feel better about yourself?

i dont see the logic in that. you arent stabbing his eyes out with toothpicks, he simply hasnt found his penis in your vagina yet through no fault of your own.

i would suggest you get a soft rubber toy that is thin not monster thick, you want to start small anyway.. and lots of lube..

focus on relaxing.

i had a similar problem as well when i was 16. with work my body doesnt react as harshly now, but it took a while, and still is somewhat uncomfy upon first penetration.

It just takes time and patience, but it isnt an end all be all. so dont give up. You basically have to show your body it has nothing to be afraid of.

[rosephase]

If you can I would try and see a professional, a physiologist. It sounds like there might be more going on in your head about sex then it might seem.

 

Your boyfriend sounds wonderful and supportive. That is a really good thing.

 

Do you enjoy any kind of sexual activity? Kissing? Hugging?

[Superfreak]

The social pressures on young men to lose there virginity in there late teens is enormous. The only social pressure that may even come close is the pressure on young girls to keep there's. If you genuinely want to keep him and have this be a long-term relationship, you're going to have to seek out help and solve this problem. Patience is nice, but you cant expect him to be patient forever. If he does see that you're trying your hardest to fix the problem then that will ease his mind, but if you're just going to do nothing to solve it, I think it's best you have a long talk with him and let him know that you understand if he feels he needs to leave.

[Nixxie]

Do you enjoy any kind of sexual activity? Kissing? Hugging?

 

Yes, I do. I think kissing is what I get the most pleasure out of anything really, anything else.. not so much. I'm not sure why. Also, I hate long hugs (generally, I'd rather not be hugged). If anyone hugs me for too long, I feel really awkward and like "get off me".

 

 

Thank you everyone for all your replies. I have read and definitely taken in what you have all had to say. And yes, my boyfriend is very supportive and lovely, I'm very lucky.

 

I can see what you all mean about the escort idea and had never considered that before. You see, he finds himself extremely lucky to have me and I really don't think he would let me go easily, the escort was simply so that if he ever did feel like the lack of sex was putting him down, then he could go to someone to have that - nothing further, which is why it'd be an escort, rather than a female friend or someone. So, until we can have sex, he could obtain it that way. I hope that makes sense, even if it does sound crazy (now that I think about it more...).

 

@Superfreak

- Nice name by the by.

 

I do try my hardest and I know that he won't be patient forever. I have spoken to him - and even said to him that if it's too much, he could walk away - he says that it doesn't matter and that he can wait. It's just that, even though he says it's okay, I just get the impression that it's not, you know? To be honest, it's me who worries, he's pretty chilled out.

 

Again, thank you everyone!! xx

[EQD]

it sounds like you are tossing out reasons for him to leave and cheat on you based on your low self esteem or actual desire to not be in this position.

listen to what you have said to this poor guy, 'you can have sex with a prostitute if you want' 'you can leave me if you want' etc etc, one day if this keeps up he might just take you up on that. regardless of the reason its never ever a good thing to hear from an SO, so be careful what you wish for.

[GypsyMuse]

Sounds like there are two things going on here.

 

• One is your nervousness and fear of having sex and the pain involved.

 

• The other is your lack of interest in sex.

 

 

 

I know women who have gone through their whole lives quite not being interested in sex. They don't get horny, they don't masturbate, they just aren't sexual.

 

I also know women who didn't feel horny or sexual until their late 20s or early 30s. Maybe you will feel stronger urges when you get older.

 

 

Libidos come in all shapes and sizes and having less interest in sex doesn't make you abnormal. It's not even that unusual (assuming you're healthy otherwise) but it can put a strain on a relationship if your sex drive doesn't match that of your partner.

 

The physical problems associated with tightness usually work themselves out over time if the women is interested in sex and keeps trying (the vagina stretches if intercourse is frequent). Your lack of interest in sex might change and it might not. You probably won't know until you're older.

 

In the meantime, I don't know if urging your boyfriend to see escorts is necessarily the answer. He could pick up STDs, he could feel like he's cheating on you, it could put off the two of you finding other solutions that might be better for your relationship. Maybe you two should try a bit harder to work things out before you encourage him to look for sex elsewhere.

[novaseeker]

 

 

I know women who have gone through their whole lives quite not being interested in sex. They don't get horny, they don't masturbate, they just aren't sexual.

 

Indeed. There has been a book written about this recently and an article about it is on this site here.

[catwalk]

There are LOTS of people like you! I've PM'd you with a website that I think you will find VERY helpful

 

The escort thing might work, but will be expensive & you or him or both might regret it after. You might want to consider having him look for a friends with benifits situation instead, where the girl understands your situation & may even want to help!

[sweetsally]

NO for the escort idea. Boys aren't going to drop off their perch if they don't get any. If the only reason you want sex is to please your boyfriend then you are not ready for it. You are still young, enjoy making out. I think when you are really ready your mind and body will tell you. If your really worried, buy a thin vibrator and a big tube of lube.