Need some prespective..

[zzeitgeist]

Hello,

 

I was badly hurt when my ex broke up with me about 8-9 months ago, I did all the wrong things and begged, pleaded and basically became a really unattractive person.

 

I started to improve on these unattractive qualities and stopped pushing. Regardless, it all fell apart on me when I saw her the day after new years. She told me she had slept with someone, I knew this person and well... a part of me died inside, I was so numb from the pain that I couldn't feel anything.

 

That day she told me about this I stopped contacting her, she reached out several times between january and april but I was to hurt to deal with her. I never initiated contact but occasionally would return a call to see what she wanted. At this point I knew she had been dating someone new, since january.. this wasn't even the guy she slept with. Anyway, enough time went by and I eventually broke and we set up to see each other (her idea.. but I finally gave in).

 

Anyway we went out and spent a day together.. we never spoke about our relationship and we basically went for breakfast, then to the golf range and also did some shopping, I didnt ask to reconcile, I didnt beg , plead and when she told me she was dating I told her I was happy for her (even though I knew about her dating for a while she didnt know I knew..) and I also told her I been seeing someone too but it wasn't serious. (though this was a lie, I just didnt want to look pathetic).

 

Anyway point being is after our meeting in April I went NC again to try to keep moving on. A week later she texted me about how she was at a club I frequent and didn't see me there, she also mentioned coffee in the same text at the end. I told her I was busy and wasn't sure when. I went NC again and a week later she texted me asking me what my schedule is like. I told her two days I am free.. we decided on sunday (the one that just passed June1st).. she ended up texting me how she had something in the morning but still wanted to hang out at night.. I texted her back that I am going somewhere at night and can't. She texted me back a message that said

 

"Iam not sure whether to take you not having time for me as a hint or if your actually busy, I'll leave it up to you when you want to hang out"

 

I didn't answer that text but instead called her back a few days later on sunday night when I got home and set up coffee for wednesday (tomorrow).

 

So now here I am contemplating if I should just cancel this coffee thing.. I mean shes been with this new guy for almost 6 months now, shes still with him. I am smart enough to know that any sort of pushing and pleading and weakness from me will result in feeding her ego, however, at the same time I feel like maybe I have been getting into her head more lately..

 

I am not the same person she left.. I really have improved mentally, physically and financially.. I am having a really hard time letting hero go, I have tried finding someone new but still no luck. I go out on the weekends in hopes to meet a new girl, I go to the clubs in hopes to meet a new girl, I signed up for online dating in hopes to meet a new girl.. I've been trying desperately to detach but I am stuck since this new girl is no where in sight.

 

What does she want from me? Does she just want friendship from me or is there something there I can work with?

[emalkoc]

listen...you are torturing yourself with the hope of getting her back..You cannot!

 

You have to come clean on this. You should go meet her tomorrow. and just be upfront. Tell her that if she is with someone else, you cannot have this friendly contact with her...Otherwise, she is friendzoning you until she finds a secure guy! You are a backup mate..

 

If she wants you, a woman, will make the morning happen...no matter what!

 

dont be backup but tell her nicely tomorrow nite. and move on!

[novaseeker]

I think you're being played here.

 

She is with this other guy. You may be Plan B, or you may be someone she just wants around because she likes your company, and it feeds her ego for her to know that even an ex she dumped wants to hang out with her, even though he knows she is with someone else!

 

This is not self-respecting. You cannot be friends with an ex unless you are completely over each other, and this is not the case here. There isn't any real positive here for you -- you're being played.

 

I agree with emal -- meet her and be up front with her and then go NC after that and stick to it. That's what taking care of yourself in this situation looks like, I think.

[orangesoda]

You got good advice from emalkoc and novaseeker.

 

Don't let her ruin your life a 2nd time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the above posts. She has friendzoned you...you need to cut all contact with her.

[servedcold]

Yep, very cut and dried here. Permanent NC and move on.

[zzeitgeist]

This is curious, I have gotten the total opposite from a different forum, stating that because I've been unavailable, and theres been sufficient space and the fact I have done everything on my terms has caused her attraction to spike for me and if played right there might be something there to follow up on... Maybe because I gave a lot more detail in the other forum, hmm interesting.

 

I suppose its worth adding that I have not pushed for any meeting/coffee date or reconciliation, I have also not spoken to her on msn, facebook or texts(other then replying to hers, hours later or sometimes not replying at all). She has initiated every contact, when we had our 1 day together this year she ended up showing even more interest when I didn't follow up with her. Yes I know she might just be keeping me on the back burner but everything has been on my terms and shes been completely compliant with me.

 

Anyway I will see her tomorrow regardless, I have already seen her once this year and I was fine after, even though I did decide to continue moving on with my life, if after tomorrow I see no indicators of interest from her then I will continue moving on and improving myself... I do appreciate the advice though.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, you can take the advice of the people on the other forum because they tell you want you want to hear...but the fact remains is that your ex has a boyfriend which clearly she is not giving up even though she is seeing you. To be blunt, that makes you sloppy seconds...you are meeting up with her and then she is going back to sleep with some other guy. Is that what you really want for yourself...to sit and hope that her getting together with you means something when she is still with another guy and has been quite open about it?

[servedcold]

She's dating someone. If she was serious about reconciling with you, then she wouldn't be involved with someone else. Suppose she is considering reconciling with you. Do you mind that she is setting this up while involved? What does this say about her character? People don't suddenly grow character and integrity just because you have made yourself a more attractive partner. If she is doing this with you, she will do it -to- you.

 

Does her current BF know of your meetings and contact? If she did come back to you, and you found out down the road that she was speaking to her current BF and seeing him, how would you feel and what would that say about her potential to be a trustworthy mate?

 

Let's give her a pass for a moment. Do you think being instantly available for her to run back to is the best way to have her value you? Or is it more likely that she will learn that you will put up with any kind of disrespect from her, and will continue to push you further?

[zzeitgeist]

Some very good points you two bring up. I definitely understand what your saying and I am not just going with the other forums advice for the sake that its what I want to hear.

 

I honestly don't think we will reconcile , though of course a small part of me wants to. I've decided since I've already set this meeting up I might as well go out there and show my best self, I'll just tell her I am dating a new girl and things are going freaking awesome.. I know this is going to sound very childish and immature but I've made a lot of great changes in my life since we broke up, I just want her to have a sneak peak of what she gave up, I have no doubt in my mind that shes going to notice these things and it will make me feel good inside that my last interaction with her was one that told her that life is doing great for me and some other girl will enjoy it, of course I won't be so direct like I am trying to throw this in her face, but I'd much rather have her go at one point "well, he really did change and make improvements".

 

I gave up a lot of my self respect when we initially broke up and I see this as a way of taking it back. Unless she shows some incredible act of denial and doubt for leaving me which I doubt I will end contact with her and there won't be further interactions or friendly coffee dates. I will move on with my life knowing I left with self respect and not pleading and being a tool. And lets say there is the small 0.1 percent chance that she does all of a sudden feel denial and doubt I wouldn't let her simply run back into my life, I would make her work for a new relationship, so please don't think I am going to make myself a doormat as soon as I see an opening.

 

I know this all sounds pointless to some but its a personal thing that needs to be done for me to fully detach.

 

Once again, I appreciate the feedback.