Dumpees only

[prettybutterfly]

I have posted my story before, but here it is again:

Hey guys. I have had a relationship with my ex for 7 years. he cheated on me and threw gross details in my face about it--and now his story is that he made that up to make me jealous and that nothing happened. i just laughed at that. we were together from 15 years old until now. Eachother's first everything, the whole 9. We have broken up and gotten back together a few times, but were together for most of it. the longest we spent were 4 months apart, then usually one of us would crack. It was a vicious cycle because birthdays turned into a day of dread for me, as he would always break up with me around this time of year. My birthday is tomorrow, and he dumped me again 2 days ago. You'd think i'd stop putting myself through this.

He comes out with the usual name calling, calling me a * * * * because i'd been with 2 other guys throughout the years (but never when we were together...only after he dumped me and i was trying to move on). I dated one guy 3 months after one of our breakups, and he got furious saying how could i start up again so soon? I said im sorry, but doesnt cheating on me entail FINDING SOMEONE ELSE WHILE WE'RE STILL TOGETHER AND NOT EVEN WAITING TILL WE'RE BROKEN UP? lol. Each breakup time got easier, and this time will be ok too. But the stigma of the summer and my birthday just reinforces for me how he disappears. the dumb part is he always comes back. This time i just have to say hes not coming back, nor do i want him too bc its all too heartbreaking for me. i guess im numb enough to it now to know the drill. I know that not contacting him is the way to go.

 

Yet, there's still that lil twinge of pain of thinking about him with someone else. And he left me with the last words "whatever you're a stupid * * * * . you had your fun, now i'll have mine."

felt like a bee sting. a really big one.

 

](*,)its like hitting my head into a brick wall.

 

For those of you who have also been dumped and gotten back together in a vicious cycle, please know that your self worth can never be taken away. I have dwelt on it one too many times, worrying about him finding someone else, worrying about losing my mind, feeling alone at night, listening to sad songs (which does help purge the emotions.) I now have decided to put it all into a book and see how it turns out at the end of the summer and where my head is at by then. Who knows what will happen. You might benefit from writing things too.

As far as the dumper goes, I feel like sometimes they initiate things to feel like they have an upper hand and will be ok just because they did it. Lets look at the facts: If they have come back once before, or a hundred times before, they are only kidding themselves. Sure some move on, which is what my ex already as done im sure.

But...we are worth so so much. Please keep that in mind.

 

What are everyone's views on being dumped? Any insight into the mind of your dumper?

[Zeter]

Dumpees only

...

Any insight into the mind of your dumper?

You shouldn't limit your topic to dumpees only. As a dumpee, I look forward to the rare post from dumpers that shed light on why they dumped the way they dumped, what they think, etc. It is more enlightening than what other dumpees think what was in the mind of their dumpers.

 

What do I think? I think my ex was reckless, thoughtless, easily flattered, shortsighted, cruel for the sake of impressing her new bf, and blinded by lust. But since I've never spoken to her since the sudden dump, I can only speculate what she thinks.

 

Zeter

[prettybutterfly]

good responses. i feel that way too.

[j0shua]

What do I think? I think my ex was reckless, thoughtless, easily flattered, shortsighted, cruel for the sake of impressing her new bf, and blinded by lust.

 

Zeter

 

wow. spot on.

 

and sometimes they are the devil incarnate, at least to us...

[wtm78]

I think we need to get away from this mindset that dumpers are the Devil incarnate. People are imperfect; they cheat, they lie, etc. Unless they are sociopaths, they NEVER meant to hurt us. So my ex met someone he wanted to be with more than me. I don't hate him for that - better that I didn't end up with someone who didn't love me enough. However, it can be cruel the way some people choose to break things off, but even so - that is more cowardice than malice.

 

good one kitty..

 

some r/s like those who break up and patch up often.. dumpers dump as a last resort to get something.. maybe something in the r/s is broken and he/she is trying to fix it but dont know how to breakup is sort of a threat to fix things or else... its a good wake up call...

 

yet others take things a little too hard.. life is short... forgive and forget... its an imperfect world after all...

[SRufus]

im not sure. In both my situations, i have often found it rather harsh.

 

My most recent relationship ended with my ex telling me how much of a loser I was in order to emotionally detach herself from me. IN a previous conversation, i asked to be gentle if she did decide to break up (because she dumped me over the phone, and then came back the next day), so yeah, it was pretty cold, and a horrible mindset. Regardless, Im more annoyed that she didn't just say, "look, I dont want to be with you!" minus all the insults.

[dreamwarrior]

I think we need to get away from this mindset that dumpers are the Devil incarnate. People are imperfect; they cheat, they lie, etc. Unless they are sociopaths, they NEVER meant to hurt us. So my ex met someone he wanted to be with more than me. I don't hate him for that - better that I didn't end up with someone who didn't love me enough. However, it can be cruel the way some people choose to break things off, but even so - that is more cowardice than malice.

 

MissKitty, I couldn't have said it better as if I said it myself.

 

People get the misconception that we can control what the other person does, or thinks if we just did this or that better..or whatever. Or perhaps they want to be angry or stay focused on why they left or what they think. Of course we don't want our relationship to end we are going to feel pain, cry, be angry, and hurt like heck with all the memories and/or the rotten things we feel they had done to us.

 

But....in reality we own nothing or nobody. If someone is unhappy then let them go and send them off with a warm goodbye. Why be with someone if you or the other person are miserable...how much time you think any of us have to waste?? If you love someone truly you want the best for them and want them to be happy...and yes, that means if they find someone else too.

 

If you stay in a relationship when the other person is very unhappy then you will be unhappy too.

 

Just do the right things for the right reasons. I know it's hard to let the person you love go, and perhaps you don't want to think of someone else with them, but my friends, in the end you will be more at peace not having to worry where the person is, how they feel and not constantly worrying about the relationship...instead you can think of yourself awhile and do what is best for you...because when it comes right down to it you are all you have anyway.

 

You were born alone and so shall you die....

[SRufus]

... She did not want to hurt you.

 

Did I not mention she broke up with me telling me how much a loser I was? She insulted the living crap outta me. Used things against me that I told her, and then told me she didn't care about my well-being when I was clearly upset! I'm sorry. I do think she had a defense mechanism within her, but she went out of her way to hurt me in a really toxic fashion. That's her ending?

 

Two weeks prior- she could have just not called me back, and it still would have been over in a decent fashion.

[SRufus]

MissKitty,

 

it's been four mouths of NC. Not only did she insult me, but my whole previous relationship with someone who had a physical condition (saying some pretty vicious things there). She half-assed apologised a week later after i texted her, but never seemed to be fully aware of the implications of what she said.

 

"Everything ends badly or they wouldn't end". Well, i don't think that is true. There are some decent ways to end something, and to show a little respect to the person you are ending it with. Two weeks prior, our relationship should have ended, but we both talked it out and decided to continue- only to have a more * * * * ty ending for me. She even said over the phone when she wanted to end it two weeks prior to argument- that things will get worse FOR YOU! She emphasised that things will be worse for me. ANd she was right. It all seems premeditated.

[Zeter]

...she went out of her way to hurt me in a really toxic fashion.

Ditto. But to find answers, one cannot apply logic. It is more a matter of the dumper trying to satisfy her/his motives, and understanding that illogical cruel behavior will follow, like night follows day.

 

Zeter