I was scared, so I wasn't honest. I broke the trust. What do I do?

[off_the_record]

(NOTE: NO REAL NAMES WERE USED)

 

I'm 19, my bf is almost 23.

 

I've been with my bf for almost two years. In the first six months everything was great, though from the very beginning I knew he was a jealous guy with a bad temper and wanted things to be his way. Sometimes he'd get mad at me and not talk to me, for instance if my parents didn't let me go out or were strict with my curfew. So I knew he'd get mad if I told him about my past, plus he had told me he didn't want to know about it. However...

 

There was this guy (Ron). Ron and I met when I was almost 14 and he was 18. We became good friends during a year... then I started liking him, although he liked one of my friends. However, we started a friendship with benefits. I gave him oral sex once. I thought I'd get him to like me. I liked him for a whole year. Then I got over him. We kept being friends. When I was 17, he introduced me to my now bf.

 

There were other two guys. Frank and Jack. I knew who they were from a long time before meeting them. I was attracted to Jack. So some time later I met him online. He didn't have internet at home, so we'd talk every once in a while on MSN, or through email. He was very friendly and sometimes flirty. I really started to like him, he played in a band along with Frank, and I went to see him play only to be around him. I started listenting to the bands he liked out of curiosity and also tried to make him like me. He was 5 years older than me, but we got along really well. Not because of the music, but on an intelectual level, I don't know, we just clicked. Frank was his friend. Frank did have internet at home, so we'd chat more often. Even though he knew I liked Jack, he developed a crush on me, although I didn't really know. We used to hang out, talk on the phone, but I thought nothing of it, although he did make me a bit uncomfortable. But I never liked him. After he confessed his feelings to me, I kept talking to him. I just didn't like the idea of losing a friend. They are both friends of my bf's brother, so my bf knows them and his brother knosw about some of this stuff.

 

I also made out with two strangers while I was drunk when I went out with the girls (two different occasions). This was when I was single. However, he thinks I'm easy and cheap because of this, and that whenever I go out without him, I'll get drunk and make out with the first guy who crosses my path. Far from truth, I must say, but he doesn't believe me.

 

All of this happened prior to dating my bf. Ron introduced us, 5 months passed and we started dating. The first 6 months were blissful. But then he got jealous of Ron, and he asked me if we had ever had something in the past, in a threatening and angry voice. I lied. He asked again and I came clean. He got furious and called me names. From then on he kept asking me questions about my past, he didn't react well to the truth (judging and name calling). So I lied and hid some more stuff, to avoid his hurtful reactions. I just didn't feel encouraged to be honest. However guilt got the best of me and I 'fessed up. And then 'fessed up again. He'd break up but immediately get back together with me. However, he resented me (still does) and judged and name called. However not everything was grim. Quite the opposite, most of the times we were fine.

 

He broke up with me like three weeks ago, after I came clean about the last major things I was hiding. He asked me to get back together with me on Monday. So we're together again. He says he wants to star over, and he's been behaving better. However, he still doesn't trust me and thinks I still have stuff to hide. I told him there's nothing else he should know.

 

However, there are a couple of things that I refuse to tell him because to me they were/are meaningless. Last year, around October, I talked online to Ron again (I had cut contact with him when I started having problems with my bf's jealousy). We talked on MSN a couple of times. Then I cut contact again. I also ran into Jack and he approached me and said hello. I had also cut contact with him. We also talked a few times on MSN. Both of them know about the problems I have with my bf. However, since October/November last year, I officially cut contact with them for good. Anyway, they're not important to me and I'm not important to them. But my bf doesn't know about these conversations.

 

Here's the problem: my bf feels that Ron, Frank and Jack are threats to this day. He believes that because I kept talking to them even after he thinks they used me (Ron), drooled over me (Frank) and that I changed myself to make someone like me (Jack), that I'll run into their arms at the first time I get. He says the way I behaved with them was really pathetic, that I should've stopped talking to them the moment that Ron and I broke off our fwb, that Frank confessed his feelings to me and when I confessed my feelings to Jack and he didn't reciprocate. He thinks I still have feelings for them or something. I honestly can say that I couldn't care less about them, but he doesn't believe me. I know he'll get really angry and hurt, and mad, and etc, etc, if he finds out about these converstaions I had with Jack and Ron last year.

 

Should I tell him? I really don't want to leave him, what can I do?

 

Oh dear, I already know I'm awful for not being able to be honest...:splat:

But I can get away with this right? I know little about his past and I don't care about it, he says I wouldn't have right to anyway, because I know no one from his past and because he's already broken contact with the girls involved... or that if he talks to them it's different because he was never as pathetic as I was, or as easy as I was, and that he hasn't lied, that he hasn't broken my trust. He actually did, but I forgave him; he invited his former crush (who reciprocated) to his place behind my back three times. But i forgave him. He says he did out for revenge, and that still it isn't as awful as what I've done.

[amure]

it sounds like because of all these things you did in your past, your boyfriend is insecure about alot of things.

i was alot like him with my ex, and il tell you how this stuff happens. he trusts you ect... has a perseption of you in his mind to be this wonderful, honest, loving girlfriend. when you shatter those standards and bring yourself down a notch to a more beleivable level (which is that he isn't as special as he'd like to be in your life, and to be forever exclusive in your sexual experiences).

[Mommy_Kitty_1985]

Why are you hanging around losers who force underage girls to have sexual relations with them.. . that should be the first red flag to you that they're no good.

[karvala]

There are problems on both sides here. On the one hand, your bf clearly has a significant jealousy problem, and that needs to be addressed. He has behaved in a pretty bad way towards you it seems, and he needs to understand that this is not acceptable, and that your past is your past, and it is not something he has any right to get angry about.

 

On the other hand, your lying to him and hiding things during your relationship is very much his business, and like or not, is not helping the situation. I had a relationship once with someone who kept quiet about her past and I didn't ask because I preferred to leave it where it was. However, piecing some things that she had let slip together, I figured out that she had cheated on her ex-husband, and this was relevant info to me, so I asked her about it, and she admitted it. I found it a bit disturbing, but fair enough because I hadn't asked about it before. But this was the only one she admitted to. Then, piecing together more things she said, I inferred the existence of another previous guy, and she admitted that one too. Her offence in my view there was not that she'd cheated on someone previously with two different guys, but that she'd witheld that info in the first place and then even lied about when questioned. Then the same thing happened again with a third guy. That made me seriously doubt that she could be trusted. It later turned out I was right, she couldn't be trusted, and that's why she's an ex. The moral of the story is: if you want to be trusted, act in a trustworthy manner with full disclosure when the topic comes up. There is no shortcut to being trusted via hiding things to make yourself look better, because these things inevitably come out in the end and at that point it becomes a whole lot worse.

 

In my view, the two of you should not be together, since he obviously has a problem with your past, which is certainly his problem rather than yours but nevertheless suggests a lack of compatibility. If I were you, I would also be unwilling to be with someone who is so apparently willing to be abusive to me when he encounters something he doesn't like. It's up to you, though, and if you really do want to remain with him, I'd honestly suggest sitting down, being firm with him (i.e. don't do it in an excessively meek or apologetic way), and giving him full disclosure, and tell him that this puts a lid on the past, and that you only want to be with him now.

[jessicake]

(NOTE: NO REAL NAMES WERE USED)

 

Oh dear, I already know I'm awful for not being able to be honest...:splat:

But I can get away with this right? I know little about his past and I don't care about it, he says I wouldn't have right to anyway, because I know no one from his past and because he's already broken contact with the girls involved... or that if he talks to them it's different because he was never as pathetic as I was, or as easy as I was, and that he hasn't lied, that he hasn't broken my trust. He actually did, but I forgave him; he invited his former crush (who reciprocated) to his place behind my back three times. But i forgave him. He says he did out for revenge, and that still it isn't as awful as what I've done.

 

you were single, you could do whatever you wanted.

 

and by him saying you have no right to know about your past is hypocrital. him calling you a sl*t and pathetic as downright uncalled for, and i feel shows so much insecurity from his part.

 

The fact that he says he did that out of revenge, wow, i think that is much more awful than what you did when you were single, when he wasnt even part of the picture. he feels that he is very insecure with your relationship, has anyone cheated on him in the past to make him like this?

 

 

Should I tell him? I really don't want to leave him, what can I do?

 

i dont see why he should be angry at your conversations about a short conversation with ron or a hello down the road with jack. it would be quite rude to ignore someone just saying hello to you. now that you don't speak with them anymore. i dont think taht you should feel guilty or see if as a big deal, but if you feel like you need to be honest then i guess you should tell him?

[novaseeker]

It's not good that you lied, that injected a poison to the trust in the relationship -- and repeated lying makes it very hard to repair that trust.

 

At the same time, he has been abusive, and sounds like a guy who has double standards about his own past. This doesn't sound like a great situation for you. It would probably be better to start with a clean slate with someone new, and be honest if/when these questions arise.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really think you need some time alone to figure out why you are going after losers who use and abuse you. You lied continually to your boyfriend and that is wrong. I don't blame him for being angry and no longer trusting you. On the other hand, being angry doesn't mean you have to be abusive. He is emotionally abusive. This relationship is very unhealthy and both of you need to work out your own issues, separately.