am i not over him or just lonely?

[missHoenikker]

or both?

 

anyone going through something similar? i fell hard in love with a man i dated for 7 weeks. he broke my heart by first giving me it all and then just pulling away. it's been 5 months since our break up and we're 100% NC. the first 3 months were hell, but now i feel like i'm so close to being over it. i no longer have the urge to call or want to know about what he's been up to.

 

all of my friends have SOs and are not always available to talk or sometimes i'm afraid to bother them with my troubles. when we do hang out, or when i make new friends, no matter how much fun i have with them or by myself, it always gets to the point when i go home to bed at night and i feel saddened for being alone. not having someone i had such a great connection with to wake up next to, to talk or share experiences with or make them laugh.

 

i try not to reminisce about the good time we've had, because i know this would set me back in the healing process. i feel strongly that i should take a break from dating because i don't want to have a rebound relationship, but i feel lonely and sometimes just long for attention from the opposite sex.

 

i spend a lot of time alone and am pretty self-sufficient. have been following the great advice i find in this forum and have been working on myself. but it's been a streak of days now that i have not felt that happy and it's not looking like that feeling is going away, but just becoming stronger.

 

can anyone relate or give me some advice? it'd be greatly appreciated.

[EQD]

yeah. as someone once told me a little while ago when i described a similar situation.. you were taken off balance, it was all good and nice and then 'poof' its all gone.

my suggestion is to just to accept that there was a pretty big reason why it didnt work out. rest assured that it wasnt meant to be, and try and move on as best you can. You may want to clam up into a shell to avoid future heartbreak, i know because i have been through it too... and it may take time. because its a deep cut when that happens. But you will make it through just fine. Just take a little time to breathe and sort it out.

[itsallgrand]

All I can say is that I relate, and it went away after a time. Somewhere near 7 months in. lol.

 

Sorry if that isn't encouraging. I've been sticking to strictly light dating since my last relationship that went boom, which was now past a year ago.

 

There was some time there where the loneliness was bad. Like as you say, no matter how great a time I was having, when it's time to go home - to bed alone or waking up with yourself - it made me feel this wave of sadness.

 

At some point that went away. I don't know exactly why, or when (though I have my ideas) but it did.

 

What stayed is that yes, at some point I'd like to experience all that good stuff again. And yes, pretty soon it is going to be time to put more into that or else this comfortably being on my own thing could snowball to many years of simply not even giving a chance to that other and possibly regretting it (though being on my own for a good long while seems appealing in its own way right now).

 

I think it's normal to want male companionship, and great sex, and even to once in a while think of what we don't have. I mean, for everything we choose - there will be something we have to give up to have it.

 

But the important thing to me is that as much as I still want someone to wake up next to, share it all with, Sunday morning breakfasts and lovers quarrels and all that...what's more important to me than those things is the person I'd be doing it with.

 

I only want it with a right one, the guy that makes me not even miss my single freedom now.

 

In the meantime, enjoy your friends. Your family. Your self. I think you are normal.

 

Sometimes too, it's hard to understand or explain until you are already through it. I don't know - maybe there is something else in your life besides this relationship gone that is making you unhappy, or is unsettled, or that you are healing from, or needs changes, or whatever.

 

I do hope you feel cheerier soon.

[EQD]

it took me about 10 months to get over a guy who did that to me.

[peacehippy]

I truly feel for you and I completely understand your situation so I hope my advice lifts your spirits. Sure, it can be lonely to come home and be by yourself but I try to always tell myself I am not alone but rather free! I have the opportunity now to work on myself and find myself instead of living through my relationships. Sure, relationships are important but you need to take the time to really find your personal likes, dislikes, what makes you happy and take what you learned with you to find an amazing person who loves you for who you really are, flaws included. I would love to see you enjoy being single because once your truly happy all will come to you and it will be amazing. Maybe also try working on your outward appearance and beauty as well as your inner beauty because that will just make you feel empowered and fantastic. I like to exercise more now, I love tanning, getting my hair done and going shopping for new refreshing clothing that makes me feel ten times better. I know your sad and lonely but this is an awesome opportunity. I don't know if your spiritual but I am and in the bible there are a few verses I keep in my archives that I repeat to myself and they really help me, I hope they help you and I hope these dont offend you

 

"thereforeeee, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:34

" Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Matthew 6:27

Theres also another one but I can't remember it but it basically relates to these in saying live one day at a time and truly feel present in it, don't live in your past and don't try to plan your future. I mean, all we can really control is the now so good luck to you

[renaissancewoman101]

Sometimes it takes forever to get over a person, esp someone who hurt you. You feel like dirt, like you are not worth getting to know, stuff like that. It sucks. Try not to dwell on it (I know, it's hard, sometimes we just want to dwell on the pain). Maybe going out and meeting people, or taking a class in something you like, can help.

 

I recently started a pottery class and I find it therapeutic to make a pot, work with clay, and also meet new people. It helps me get out of my shell and stop feeling so bad about myself.

 

A lot of times, I wonder why I can't seem to meet people, find an SO, or make friends, but doing stuff for myself, I can see, helps me get out of that shell.

 

It's not easy, but taking a small step at a time, helps a lot.

 

I am not actively dating right now, because I don't know where to begin. I've tried the online dating route and really don't think that is the way. I am just hoping I'll meet someone in stuff I do, etc. That's how I met my last two bfs. First one was at school. Second was through a hobby.

 

Good luck.

[missHoenikker]

i hope so too. thank you for your kind words.

 

i do feel the same as you that i only want to do those things with the right person... and for that reason i have a hard time opening up because the right person is so so hard to come by. in my case, my heart has been severely broken twice. after the first one (which ended 7 years ago), i thought i would never feel that way again, and then i met my most recent ex- and he breaks my heart (i had year long relationships in between those two that i just got tired of because even though they were great guys, ultimately i knew that the deep connection that i seek was not there). now, i think "how lucky am i going to be that i'll be able to fall in love for someone that loves the same way for a third time?? and at the same time, will i ever let it happen?" i miss the excitement, but i fear more getting my hopes up and being hurt again. it's a vicious circle of feeling lonely-afraid of getting hurt again -feeling lonely.

[missHoenikker]

thanks peacehippy. i actually started attending services, although not very regularly, but i do feel it helps. i'm not religious or spiritual, but it has helped me at least relax and feel peaceful. i also do work out and do all the things you've mentioned, but i feel i do it so often now that its effects wear off quicker or that it's not enough. so then i push myself to keep looking for other new things that i like doing (for instance, today i'm going to take a boxing class), but am afraid that its effect too will be just temporary and that as soon as i realize that i'm going back to my empty apartment, all this lonely and worthless feelings will come back again.

 

thanks for the quotes i guess i just gotta keep going one day at a time right?

[peacehippy]

I wish I could tell you you will never feel lonely if you keep yourself busy but lets be honest, not happening....an important part of healing is reaching rock bottom so then you can successfully pick yourself up again knowing you conquered this time of loneliness and despair. Every human fails at things and falls hard, it is inevitable. However, I personally see lonliness and struggle as a challenge. A chance for me to prove to myself that I tackled a very tuff battle in my life and I find a new appreciation for myself through my struggle. We are very capable human beings and possess much more strength than we know sometimes. I encourage you to really dig deep and find your own sense of empowerment as a women. There are many glitches in the human system however and one of them being our heartbreaking inhability to sustain contentment. I might be again getting to spiritual for you but I dont think we as humans realize, somewhere within us, there does exist a supreme Self who is eternally at peace. I encourage you, since exercise is getting boring for you, to maybe try what I call meditating but all it really is just getting quiet and listening. I think you might try to control your thinking too much instead of letting it pass and then letting it go.....Im sure I just confused you immensly but I just kinda wrote and didnt think about form.....hope it helps in some way

[missHoenikker]

thank you. it does help and i appreciate it immensely

 

i hope all goes well with you, as i can tell you too have a thread going on and are going thru some difficult times. so i really really appreciate you taking the time here in my little world.

[dreamwarrior]

Hi MissHoeNikker,

 

I broke up with my bf around 2 months ago..it was a very hard and painful decision, but it was in my best interest. Let's see I cried for 2 days, was mad for 2 days and right after that I have been concentrating on my own well-being.

 

There are alot of thoughts rolling around in my head, but you know I am very resilient...I never recall ever being on the rebound...I would breakup with a guy and soon after another one would come along...I didn't have any sadness at all...more like relief...this current ex was the only man to ever capture my heart...the others before him including my high school, grade school bf's were nothing...they were a dime a dozen to me...I believe in the process of elimination.

 

Honestly, I don't know how this current ex/bf was able to sweep me off my feet...I am no pushover and quite hard to get...not because I think I am all that...just that if I am going to love a man I want to feel he is worthy of my heart.....this love feeling has only happened to me once and it turned out very bad...but me a rebound...nope...I don't do rebounds...I tend to move on quickly and don't look back.

 

It's been around two months since my breakup and I am doing extremely well with the small exception this time I do miss the memories of the good times we had...with all the others they were just to boring so there was nothing to reminisce about.

 

At the present I am taking care of me, myself, and I and already looking forward to meeting someone new...since I am a bit older than most of you on here...I will start out with friendship and perhaps more...I am not going to close my heart off to love because of someone else....heck when a decent guy comes along...I am going to give him good love.

 

I need a strong confident man with warrior qualities...one who doesn't fall apart amiss of a crisis...the real Rambo type...no crybaby, whining, needy men plssssssssss.

 

Being 43 years old I feel like I am in the best space I ever been in my life....I was 39 years old when I first truly felt I loved a man...I know late bloomer. Well it didn't work out even after waiting this long to give my heart to someone....doesn't Cheryl Crowe sing that song something like," First cut is the deepest". yea something to that effect...He may have been my first love, but he was my worst, but the new guy may have not been my first love, but he is best....hehehe.

 

I think at this stage in my life I would really love to meet a guy and do fun things with him, go on adventures or whatever...and get to know him as a person first...then move on to other things....I like alot of sex so he better be ready anytime and anywhere...hehehe

 

For sure just because this relationship didn't work I am not going to hold the whole male race responsible...I am willing to take another chance and give it a try....scared nope...excited about the endless possibilities...YES!!!

 

Rebounds...nope...I just move on...NEXT!!!

[dreamwarrior]

It's not that I deny my feelings...it's just that I process them fast and get on with my life quickly...my time is valuable...why waste it crying over someone who isn't crying over you...and even if he/she is...then perhaps they should have treated you better...perhaps like I have heard...never know what you got until it's gone!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

Dreamwarrior, how do you force yourself to move on so quickly? I find that hard to do. I tend to ruminate on why people leave me.

[Maree79]

Hope you are ok and want you to know that you are not alone in this.

 

Yeah, you are definitely not alone. I feel the same way, I hate going out just because wherever I go there seems to be couples everywhere, the music that plays in the stores is too painful, i see cars that look like his & hope for just a glimpse of him..my list could go on forever.

 

I try to think out my broken heart like a broken leg. I want to be better so I can continue with life & have fun again, but I can't until it is healed. So I'm going to cry if I need to, get mad when I need to & keep telling myself that this storm will pass. I will never forget my ex & part of me will always love him, but someday I will feel better...and so will you.

[pumpkinmoon]

Yeah, you are definitely not alone. I feel the same way, I hate going out just because wherever I go there seems to be couples everywhere, the music that plays in the stores is too painful, i see cars that look like his & hope for just a glimpse of him..my list could go on forever.

 

I try to think out my broken heart like a broken leg. I want to be better so I can continue with life & have fun again, but I can't until it is healed. So I'm going to cry if I need to, get mad when I need to & keep telling myself that this storm will pass. I will never forget my ex & part of me will always love him, but someday I will feel better...and so will you.

 

Same here. And I think thats one of the mistakes I have made. I think I sometimes try to convince myself that I feel better than I do and I try to push my feelings aside. I didnt cry much for a while but lately I am crying everday, I just let myself do it now. I think I bottled things up way too much and I even used to stop myself from crying which isn't the right thing to do.

[missHoenikker]

hi shoe and maree. thank you for your kind words and i'm sorry you too are going through this. it is a lovely weekend where i am today, and for some reason i can't help but feel like i'm back to square one. i haven't felt this sad in while after the break up (so i guess maybe that's a positive sign of things moving forward). i don't want to be around anyone and just want to cry this out. hopefully tomorrow i'll feel better and even be able to laugh at all this.

 

hope you're both doing well. we'll get through this, i know we will! thanks for the support!

[Maree79]

This site is truly amazing for bringing people together to not only help each other through but the also help realize that what we feel is normal, like feeling like you are back at square one.

 

I wish we were all in one big room together.

 

I can deal with the sadness ok, it seems to be getting easier, in fact I haven't even cried today - this will be a first. But I have so much anxiety - I can barely breathe from it. I can't seem to get past that. I can't sit still. And my self esteem has taken a big hit.

[missHoenikker]

 

The most worrying thing for me though is that i am terrfied that i wont meet anyone else. This may be be a silly thought but I can't seem to shake it off.

 

 

i have the same thought... or even worse, even if i do meet someone i'll still be emotionally unavailable or overtly cautious because i'm afraid to get hurt again.

 

i'm turning 30 this year and even though i don't care about norms or rules about having to settle down at a certain age or getting too old to have kids etc., i can't help but feel a certain pressure from society/environment around me (friends getting married, having babies, having 2nd babies, etc.)... anyway, i'm just rambling now...

 

what i tell myself is that it's ok to think about that kind of stuff, but just to get it out of your system. write it out some where, or voice it out. and then forget about it. because these thoughts are not constructive and will not help you heal. we don't need someone else to feel complete and happy. and even if you can't believe that now (as i can't yet), we have to try because there's no point in going through life thinking otherwise.

[missHoenikker]

This site is truly amazing for bringing people together to not only help each other through but the also help realize that what we feel is normal, like feeling like you are back at square one.

 

I wish we were all in one big room together.

 

I can deal with the sadness ok, it seems to be getting easier, in fact I haven't even cried today - this will be a first. But I have so much anxiety - I can barely breathe from it. I can't seem to get past that. I can't sit still. And my self esteem has taken a big hit.

 

it really is. and it's nice to feel normal

 

i know the feeling of anxiety... one time when i was feeling that way, i called up a friend and she told me to go do some ab crunches and/or lunges. i laughed, but then did it, and it made me feel better. it also works on your self esteem because you know you're doing something that's good for your body.

 

i'm sending a big hug your way.

[Maree79]

and i'm send you one back

 

I totally get your 30 "rant" - I am 30 in 9 months & feel like I would cope better if it were a lesser birthday. The 30 stigma is terrible and it doesn't help my friends & family had all settled down by this age.

[misstb]

Hi Ladies,

 

I usually am over on getting back together but now, here I am!

 

I get EXACTLY how you feel, I have never been so lonely in my life, I have major anxiety, I cry when I see happy couples, can't listen to the radio and everything brings up a happy memory I miss! Feel like I won't be able to ever meet someone who can top the last

 

Great to know I am not alone!

[pumpkinmoon]

I think the support that is offered here is great too. I find it amazing that so many people who are so hurt and heartbroken still find the time and actually bother to help other people.

 

my self esteem has taken a hit too, makes me think "if my ex doesnt want me why should anyone else?" But he is just one person and it means nothing.

 

I feel I have gone back to square one too, esp over these last days but I have thought that maybe we need these downers to make the ups seem ever better. I think you should cry as much as you want. I think it helps to allow yourself to have these feelings and to be sad when you need to.

 

I feel the same too with regards to marriage and children. And it's scary realising that I am going to have to start from scratch with someone new.

[pumpkinmoon]

Hi Ladies,

 

I usually am over on getting back together but now, here I am!

 

I get EXACTLY how you feel, I have never been so lonely in my life, I have major anxiety, I cry when I see happy couples, can't listen to the radio and everything brings up a happy memory I miss! Feel like I won't be able to ever meet someone who can top the last

 

Great to know I am not alone!

 

I know, I am the same. I don't have the radio on anymore and hardly watch any shows on tv. What you have to bear in mind though is the next one will be better than the last. If someone can leave you brokenhearted then they weren't for you and you will get better, someone who would never dream of leaving you. I know that is hard to takle on right now, I am struggling with it myself but I try to believe it as much as I can.

[Maree79]

I don't have the radio on anymore and hardly watch any shows on tv.

 

I am the same way, but the silence drives me nutso too! So I just have the news channel on all day.

[pumpkinmoon]

I am the same way, but the silence drives me nutso too! So I just have the news channel on all day.

 

I usually watch things that I know wont involve couples. I'm sat here most of the time though and I read before I go to bed.