Boyfriend's ex keeps calling, what should I do?

[Phillippa]

Hi,

 

I have been with my boyfriend now for 2.5 years. I am 25 and he is 34.

 

Ever since we have been together, he has been receivng calls from his last ex before me.

 

He ignores them but after a while, my instincts told me that she will not keep calling like that if she was getting no response at all.

 

So I figured he was probably calling her back when I am not around.

 

This suspicion drove me to snoop through his mobile and my suspicions were correct !

 

He caught me looking through his mobile, I didn't find anything incriminating but it just confirmed he was replying to her texts and calls, nothing flirty.

 

I got him to change his number but she has got hold of it again.

 

He went into hospital this week for a planned operation and his ex called yesterday. She wanted a favour from him.

 

I have asked that he changed his number again but he refuses, saying he shouldn't just run away and that she will get his number anyway (they used to work together so still share the same friends).

 

I feel very very annoyed that this is still going on 2.5 years into our relationship. What really hurts me is that he knows how upset I get yet refuses to change his number again.

 

I want to speak to him about this but as he is in hospital, it is not the right time so I know I have to be considerate and not say anything now. Holding it in is killing me.

 

What advice can anyone give me?

[DN]

If they have mutual friends then he is probably right - she will get his number again.

 

But the main is issue is one of trust. Do you trust him not to cheat on you with her?

[Phillippa]

If they have mutual friends then he is probably right - she will get his number again.

 

But the main is issue is one of trust. Do you trust him not to cheat on you with her?

 

Yes I trust him not to cheat with her definitely.

 

However, I do feel he encourages her a little by answering her calls. He tells me he ignores her but I don't really believe it. It's difficult to prove obviously.

 

I want to speak to him about how I feel but now is not the right time and holding it in is getting me down and moody. I feel like just bringing it up tonight anyway.

 

There is something not right, something he is not telling me.

 

But all this is a 'gut feeling' so thereforeeee maybe I don't have right to mention anything without evidence?

[rose2summer]

I don't know why she would keep calling if he is not responsive, it could be innocent or not innnocent on his part.

 

But either way, if you cannot trust him, it's going to be a really tough patch ahead.

 

Really though, if someone wants to cheat, there are millions of ways, buying a pay as you go phone that you don't know about, meeting women online...your mind could go wild with all the possibilities, so not trusting someone will really wreak havok on your body and mind.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Does she call frequently or just every once in a while?

[Phillippa]

I don't know why she would keep calling if he is not responsive, it could be innocent or not innnocent on his part.

 

But either way, if you cannot trust him, it's going to be a really tough patch ahead.

 

Really though, if someone wants to cheat, there are millions of ways, buying a pay as you go phone that you don't know about, meeting women online...your mind could go wild with all the possibilities, so not trusting someone will really wreak havok on your body and mind.

 

Hugs, Rose

 

 

Thanks.

 

I don't think he is cheating so I'm not worried about that.

 

But I just don't like the fact his ex keeps calling. I've heard from several people, his family, friends and colleagues that this ex is a bunny boiler type. Fine, some people are like that.

 

But it goes back to my instinct that she would not keep calling like that if she was getting no response at all. That is what bothers me.

 

I can not prove that he is responding to her, so at this point I can't really say anything and have to hold it in. That is what I find difficult.

[Phillippa]

Does she call frequently or just every once in a while?

 

Me and my boyfriend see each other every day.

 

I would say when he is with me, she would call a couple of times a month.

 

Of course, she could be calling more when I am not around.

[PushingDaisies]

You say you trust him not to cheat and although you have the evidence in front of you that the texts weren't flirty, you still are sending him the signal that you dont trust him. I understand how hard it can be when they dont seem to appreciate how uncomfortable this is making us.

 

With my ex, he was talking to a mutual female friend a lot, and his messages to her were flirty (she and I swopped phones one time) and to top it off, he confided stuff in her that he never told me ... and I was his girlfriend! He refused to see where I was coming from, didnt understand how upset this made me, and ultimately it started us on the road to break up.

 

But looking back now, whilst I think I had a right to be annoyed with the context of the messages, I didnt really have a right to be annoyed at him for texting another girl. It looked, from his point of view, that I was trying to control, that I was becoming obssesive and jealous, and that I was checking up on him.

 

I understand this is different from your situation since this is his ex we are talking about. But (from ex status now myself) I dont know if it is as big a deal as your emotions and fears are making it out to be. I can still talk to my ex, and go see him, and text and call him, and ask him for favours, and count on him for support. And whilst I still miss him and wish he would come back, if he had another girlfriend, I wouldnt dream of persuing him and trying to break them up - especially if they had been going out for 2.5 years. But I would hate to think that what I count as a good friend would be taken away from me because his new gf had the wrong idea.

 

Sorry if I sound harse Im not trying to be lol. I think you should talk to him rationally about the nature of their relationship and how they broke up and say that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Stay calm and cool, its not worth losing him over this. I learned the hard way. He has been with you for 2.5 years, so he clearly loves you. Good luck

[Phillippa]

Thank you.

 

You are not being harsh, just honest which is what I want.

 

It's a nasty circle because I trust him not to cheat but I am always wondering why he keeps encouraging her, for an ego boost perhaps? Maybe he likes having a 'crazy ex', I don't know.

 

He makes out to me that she is a nuisance, and that he wants the calls to stop, but I do feel (from what I've found when I snooped through his phone) that is not really the case, perhaps he tells me as it's what I want to hear.

 

He does love me, I know that and don't doubt for a moment.

 

I won't control him and say he can't talk to her, I understand they share friends but if he wants to just remain friendly with her, why not just say so ?? This is where I go back to square one.

 

I will say something tonight, I have to think about what and how I'll say it.

 

He did change his phone number once before, then she started calling his home phone and his mothers landline too.

 

I really do believe he indirectly gave her his number, I believe he wanted her to have it. He saw how upset I got when she called him on his new number yet he still doesn't want to change his number again. I'm not saying he ought to as I knew there will be other ways of communicating with her.

 

I just feel a bit stuck in a rut.

[Excalibur]

I think he likes knowing that she finds him attractive, desirable and worthy of keeping in touch wtih - it's an ego boost. He doesn't 'intend" to act on it - doesn't mean he wouldn't...but he's just continuing ot interact enough to keep her panting because it boosts his ego.

 

Says more about his character than anything else.

[PushingDaisies]

Its difficult I definitely think the best way forward is to talk to him. Just make sure you dont get emotional or accusational. Stay calm, focus on what you want to say and stay rational - there is a reason these two arent together and you two are, and if this has been going on for a while, if she is aiming to get him back it clearly isnt working. She sounds like a pain. Perhaps your right, and he does get an ego boost from the fact that she apparently hasnt moved on?

 

Perhaps if he comes out with the line that he wants them to stop you could suggest blocking her number on his mobile. That wont sort the landline thing though. But your right - if he wants her to stop why does he encourage her by replying? I wouldnt imagine its anything sinister ... but perhaps we should get a mans opinion on this lol

[PushingDaisies]

I think he likes knowing that she finds him attractive, desirable and worthy of keeping in touch wtih - it's an ego boost. He doesn't 'intend" to act on it - doesn't mean he wouldn't...but he's just continuing ot interact enough to keep her panting because it boosts his ego.

 

Says more about his character than anything else.

 

Lol sounds like a bloke to me. And women do it too ... I know my ex still finds me extremely attractive ... gives me an ego boost, especially when I tell myself that he probably regrets losing that part of me. Not trying to sound big headed here

 

I dont see that as a negative thing ... its human nature to want to be admired.

[Excalibur]

I'm not sure what the conversation you want to have with him would be about.

 

his version and he's going to stick to it - is that he doesn't reply/respond to her initiation.

 

He can't come off that position without revealing he was lying in the past. And you can't reveal that you know what you know - without admitting that you're snooping.

 

So you're in a catch 22.

 

It doesn't matter why he likes this ego boost - he does.

 

And it really doesn't matter your views on it - other than do you want to deal with it being a reality in your world, because he likes it going on for whatever reason.

 

Same as if he had a haircut you hate...that he loves.

[Phillippa]

I think he likes knowing that she finds him attractive, desirable and worthy of keeping in touch wtih - it's an ego boost. He doesn't 'intend" to act on it - doesn't mean he wouldn't...but he's just continuing ot interact enough to keep her panting because it boosts his ego.

 

Says more about his character than anything else.

 

That's what I think, thanks.

[PushingDaisies]

I'm not sure what the conversation you want to have with him would be about.

 

his version and he's going to stick to it - is that he doesn't reply/respond to her initiation.

 

He can't come off that position without revealing he was lying in the past. And you can't reveal that you know what you know - without admitting that you're snooping.

 

So you're in a catch 22.

 

It doesn't matter why he likes this ego boost - he does.

 

And it really doesn't matter your views on it - other than do you want to deal with it being a reality in your world, because he likes it going on for whatever reason.

 

Same as if he had a haircut you hate...that he loves.

 

Didnt he catch you looking on his phone?

 

That isnt really the point. She already knows that this girl calls because she has done it whilst they have been together. And the ex getting in contact is making her uncomfortable. thereforeeee, the logicl thing to do would be to talk to her bf and try to dispel these fears. By having a mature adult conversation with him, it doesnt need to degenerate into accusations and resentment, she cn at least try to find out where she stands.

 

Clearly this is making the OP very uncomfortable, and it must have been going on for a while ... thereforeeee, I think it makes sense to talk to her bf since we cannot give her the answers she needs or placate her fears.

[Excalibur]

The idea that everybody's actions "cause" other people to take action - is the problem here.

 

The ex wants attention and is receiving it from the ex-boyfriend in the manner that suits her needs.

 

The boyfriend wants attention from a great many sources quite likely, and the ex is but on that meets that need for 'adoring attention".

 

The ex is doing what meets her needs with her actions - contacting the ex boyfriend.

 

The boyfriend is going what meets his needs with his actions - replying to the contact.

 

It's not that the ex's attention meets his need for adoration.

 

The OP mgith want specific actions to stop - but ti's giong to eliminate the fact that each of these people as independent individuals are taking the actions that meet their own needs - the resposne of the other is not the point - the pursuit is the point.

 

there's nothing wrong with talking to the boyfriend, but holding him accountable for the ex's actions is irrational. He's going to counter rationally with "But I cannot control/help that she calls".

 

If the OP says "you could by not responding at all whatsoever"......she's specuatling that would make the exchanges stop eventually (an accurate summation to make in theory).....and so she's basically askinghim to stop doing what he is doing - that meets his own need.

 

If she's going to ask him to not to meet his needs - she needs to offer suggestions, alternatives for him or her meeting his needs......and it's unlikely that the oP can meet hsi desire for "outside adoration".

[PushingDaisies]

Lol excaliber you beat me on the logic!!!!

[Phillippa]

Thanks,

 

Silly me I didn't realise this had reached page 2 !!! I'm new to all this.

 

The replies I have here have been frank and makes a lot of sense.

 

Yes my other half did catch me looking through his phone once, before he changed his number.

 

Now what he does is be more careful. For example, sometimes when he is with me he would just switch his mobile off, he would delete his texts/call records. He hasn't saved her number but knows it by heart. Admittedly I have looked through his phone a couple of times since he caught me but haven't done so for a long long time now.

 

I think pushing Daisies's idea of talking to him is the best. I'm not trying to catch him out as I'm too old and don't have time for any games. I will definitely not accuse him of anything as I have no evidence, a lot is just 'gut feeling' or intuition.

 

He is not responsible for his ex's actions but if he is encouraging it, then he has to realise his actions is giving her no reason to stop.

 

What is holding me from talking to him is his current situation, he has been in hospital and is very scared at what's going on. He doesn't like people fussing over him and has upset a lot of family members by refusing visitors. Last thing he needs is me bringing this up.

 

However, it's not easy for me to hold this in.

 

I will just tell him my worries, that my instinct tells me that she will not keep calling if she was being ignored. He has admitted to answering a couple of her calls because she sometimes witholds the number so he gets caught out. I don't believe this but again, I can't prove anything. If that is the case, blocking her number won't help if witholding it can bypass that block.

[tangi39]

Yes I trust him not to cheat with her definitely.

 

However, I do feel he encourages her a little by answering her calls. He tells me he ignores her but I don't really believe it. It's difficult to prove obviously.

 

I want to speak to him about how I feel but now is not the right time and holding it in is getting me down and moody. I feel like just bringing it up tonight anyway.

 

There is something not right, something he is not telling me.

 

But all this is a 'gut feeling' so thereforeeee maybe I don't have right to mention anything without evidence?

 

You do have a right if he is your bf and his behavior/interaction with his ex makes you uncomfortable. Not to tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but you definitely have the right to tell him you feel uncomfortable with the situation.

 

It does sounds like they are still friends, period. He's calling her.

It won't stop unless he expresses to her that her calls are unwelcome.

But it sounds either like he still wants to be friends with her or because he wants to maintain a civil bond with the mutual friends.

Regardless, it sounds like that's the choice he's made.

So either you accept that he's gonna stay friends with her or move on.

If you stay though, tell him you are fine with them being friends, just ask him not to hide their interactions from you. If he still does, there may well be something beyond remaining civil going on.

[Phillippa]

I spoke to him last night.

 

He said he had a feeling it would be on my mind and I did the right thing by telling him. Although now is not the right time, I had to tell him otherwise it would build up in me and I will start feeling resentful.

 

He tells me about the phone calls that takes place when I am not there (I feel he only tells me about some of the calls though).

 

He tries to reassure me there is nothing to worry about.

 

He also says he's not going to be rude to anyone, he will ignore her calls but if a witheld number calls, he will answer it as it could be anybody. If it turns out to be her, he will keep it short and straight to the point.

 

I guess I just have to accept what he tells me but I will always keep my eyes and ears open.