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I Need Help Understanding This!


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Ok, so I'm sitting here, like a moron, devastated. And of course it's because of a guy. We've all been there... Sigh.


I'm just at a loss right now and am confused and not sure of what to do or how to handle it. So I'll try to make it the cliffnotes version of the situation as best I can...


So basically, I was friends with this guy, who happened to be my college roommates ex, since about November of 2006. I had a crush on him, but obviously, couldn't make my move. Well the following March, he confessed he wanted to kiss me even though he knew he couldn't. Well later that month, he did. And from March until the end of school (the end of May) we were fooling around, which he initiated. We had three hour conversations about everything almost everyday and hot hookups on the weekends. It was, needless to say, amazing. And my roommate never knew.


Well summer came, and we barely talked. We lived an hour and a half away, he had work, I had dance. Things were hectic. When we came back to school this past fall, we started talking again a little, hung out once or twice, but nothing major or like the past spring.


Well, it got to the point by December that I was going insane. I had feel for him so badly that there was no picking me up off the ground. So I tried hunting him down to talk in person, and for legit reasons, it didn't work out that way, so I had to resort to email (pathetic, I know). So I told him how I felt. And - in an uber short version - he said he had had feelings for me last spring, but we hadn't talked much over the summer so they kinda dissipated and i had said i wasn't looking for a relationship...and that he had feelings for someone else at this point. Well, I was devastated, naturally.


When we came back to school after break this past February, I tried to distance myself from him so that I didn't put myself through hell again. Well the one night, he was IMing me and saying he wanted to hang out and all and I told him I didn't know. It turned into an over 3 hour phone conversation. At this time, he was in a relationship with this girl. He said he didn't feel that way for me and never would. But then he was telling me how much he really missed me, how close he was with me, and how he cared for me, and was still really attracted to me.


Fine okay. After that, we still didn't talk much because I thought distancing myself from him would help me get past thr hurt. And I was doing well for a while. Then it was his birthday mid-April and his ex, who i still lived with, told me to come out with them. So I was like, eff it, I'm going. And I had a good time. Yeah I was all oogly eyed over him, but I was doing ok. I wasn't upset. He had told us that him and the girl broke up because they wanted to be friends instead. Well we had had our senior formal at the end of May, and the group of us were talking about it, and long story short, he said he'd go with me without me asking. Then the next day, he came out with me and my other friends, without the ex, and he was basically groping me and flirting with me like he had the year before. Then we ended up talking for two hours. He was telling me how bummed he was we that we stopped talking and hanging out, and how he still really cared about me, and was still really attracted to me, and that I should demand honesty from him because he doesn't ever want me to think he's jerking me around or lying to me, and that he was so happy i came out for his birthday, and that he was really excited for formal.


Okay, well then the last month of school was hectic, so we talked some, hung out once or twice, it was nice. And then formal came. We shared a room, had a really good time together, danced a lot, and during dinner he told me to come visit him in NYC this summer while he was there for his internship. Well that night, we fooled around again. And this time it was so different than previously. Last year, it was more "hot" hookup fun, and this time is much more passionate and sensual. And after it, we were cuddling. And it was again, so different than our past cuddles. It was...so amazing. And I cried a tiny bit because I'm paranoid I'll never see him again (and I honestly don't think he knew i was crying... i hid it really well). But the killer is, I think he was crying too. Or at least trying not to. We had stopped doing anything for over a half hour so his breathing should have been relaxed. But it kept hitching and sounding ragged. And then the next morning we cuddled again for a half hour watching tv. Which we never did before.


And now, the roommate knows I have feelings for him and that we made out at formal (I didn't tell her the rest) and she's so happy she's been saying I'd be great for him and hopes something happens.


Only I don't know what to think. We've talked occasionally since - it's been about a week. But I've initiated most conversations. And I've called once or twice and he hasn't answered or instead IMs me later on instead of calling back. But he did text me last night to ask me why i had an angry away message up (completely unrelated to him, but still).


Am I being stupid for thinking maybe somethings changed and that maybe he feels something for me now? Or is it the same * * * * just a different year? In the back of my mind, I fear its the second. But i don't know. And please don't be cruel to me... I'm devastated enough as is... But please help me make sense out of this, or share your thoughts, or help me figure out a way to deal with it all.


I'm sorry that was so long - I actually shortened it SO MUCH. haha. But any help would really be wonderful.


Thank you so much!

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Wow, that was a long story, but you write it well! Welcome to ENA too!


I think that for whatever reason, this is not going to work. Sorry. The only other spin I can put on this is to take you back to that first summer you guys did not keep in touch - why was that? Did that set the tone do you think for this on/off status? Did he think you weren't interested? You did say:


he said he had had feelings for me last spring, but we hadn't talked much over the summer so they kinda dissipated and i had said i wasn't looking for a relationship...and that he had feelings for someone else at this point.


This could perhaps be taken as he was interested but lost confidence. However, you also said:


He said he didn't feel that way for me and never would. But then he was telling me how much he really missed me, how close he was with me, and how he cared for me, and was still really attracted to me.


To be honest, I think that he doesn't know what he wants, so he'll have some fun with you when you are around, but he is probably pretty sure of what he does not want, and that seems to be a serious relationship with you (probably anyone). Ouch. I know that sounds tough to hear, sorry. It's just that you can't ignore him saying he "didn't feel that way and never would". He was telling you something serious there. I think he credits you as being a friend, but this is friends with benefits for him. I personally don't think he's really being a friend to you at all as I think he probably knows how you feel.


Even if we ignore the "I'll never feel that way about you" line, if you look at the relationship as a whole, what have his actions told you? I think that his actions really say that he's not your guy. You deserve someone who has no doubt about you, or at least someone who would never risk losing you with behaviour like the above.


I dated someone who acted exactly like your guy sounds, and I think that the times he thought he loved me, or when he said how much he missed me etc, that he really did think he meant it at the time. But I also know how quickly and easily he gave me up when I finally pushed for the relationship I knew I was worth. I know he always lost interest when he knew he had sucked me in again.


Some people are just after some fun, and they enjoy the chase. That's fine if you are in for the same thing, but if you are not you really need to cut loose from them as you will keep going through this and getting hurt. The guy who is worthy of a relationship with you will call you as much as he can. He'll want to see you and he'll never, never risk you turning away from him by staying out of touch or saying he's not interested.

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Sorry you are having to go through this stress. It seems that you two have shared some intimacy, but never dated other than the Formal, just hooked up. You obviously feel strongly for him, but until he starts asking to see more of you, to date, there's no real relationship there on his end. Whatever you do, you don't want to give the impression that you are someone he can pick up and put down when he feels like it, that you will be there waiting while he does whatever with whomever.


Maybe the best thing would be to tell him you have feelings for him, but that he needs to step up to the plate and actually date you if he wants you in his life. If he responds negatively, or gives some lukewarm maybe, then it will be painful, but you will have your answer and can begin to move on. Hopefully, he will feel the same way you do and make a more concerted effort to form a substantial relationship with you than he has in the past. You deserve a man who will give you his full attention once you have stated feelings for each other and especially once you have been intimate. Best wishes.

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