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Feelings for old girlfriend


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SIGH...I'm 39, married for 15 years with children... My wife has my 4yr old daughter sleep in the bed with her. I sleep in my daughters room. We've had sex once this whole year (back in Feb.). I try to initiate romantic events, but she pulls back as if I am repulsive (I've gained some weight recently). I don't feel any love lately.


A year ago I received an email from an old girlfriend who I haven't seen in probably 17 years. We emailed back and forth to catch up on what we've done since we last spoke. But lately, the emails have increased to several a day and we've spoken to each other on the phone. She's not married nor has she been married. I talk to her more than my wife and our conversations have been meaningful. We've become passionate with how we communicate. I think I'm falling in love with her agin. Maybe it's just because there is no romance in my marriage that I am thinking this. If I didn't have children, I'd probably leave my wife and pursue a relationship with her again. I'm thinking of her all the time. She is in town today and wants to meet me. I'm not going to. I want to but I'm scared that I would no longer be able to control my feelings if I saw her in person. I think she is my soul mate but I'm trapped and feel sick about the whole thing. Maybe I should just cut off all communication with her. But what's the point? Why be faithful to a wife that obviously dislikes me sexually. SIGH


Oh well, this cold medicine is making me sleepy.

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Stay away from the old gf. Seeing her would be asking for trouble. Make an excuse.


Yes, you have problems at home, but wouldn't it be better to deal with them? Is it possible? You might need to change your attitude toward your wife and your marriage. Why has her attitude changed toward you? How can you get her to treat you differently? There's a lot of questions that need to be asked before answers can be given regarding your homelife and marriage.

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Beec, Need I say more, you hit the nail on the head.


Is the relationship all about sex with you sir? If not then where is the love, marriage is for better or for worse not for sex or for ex!! No No buddy, you need to talk to your wife about this, you need to ask her, hey hun, is it me, do I repulse you that much, or what? see where her head is at then make a firm decision about your next move. the ex is the ex for a reason, stay away. Communication is the key, hey man for allyou know it could be your wife who thinks she repulses you, and you guys could have been going at it the whole time, but the lack of communication is slowing up the show.


Good luck

Stay away from ex.

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Sounds like your marriage has gotten to a crisis point and nobody is willing to face the issues directly. From your perspective your wife doesn't want to sleep with you and finds you sexually undesireable. I don't know your wife's perspective, but in my experience, when a woman (or man) doesn't want to have sex with their mate the situation's usually been preceded by unexpressed anger or resentment that's been around long before your sex lives went out the window. In other words, it's hard to feel sexual desire for someone when you're angry with them.


It's hard to tell from your post, but it doesn't sound like the two of you have been communicating much about your feelings. And now you're feeling like you may have a chance at happiness with your old girlfriend. For many reasons I think it would be a mistake to see her and start up an affair. The most important reason is it will only complicate the real issue here ... how to fix what's wrong in your marriage.


This is going to be difficult, but I think you and your wife need to have a real, honest discussion about your feelings. It's said that the truth will set you free. Maybe if you told your wife about your old girlfriend and how you don't want to cheat on her ... she'd probably be angry at first, but after the anger subsided, maybe she'd realize how important you are to her. Maybe it would be a "wake up" call that things have gone horribly wrong in your marriage but that it's not too late.


If you could find a way to initiate a real heart-to-heart talk with you wife, you're going to find out some very valuable information, one way or the other. Someone has to do it, or you'll never how if your marriage ever really had a fair chance of survival.


Something to think about ...


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Give up the idea of rekindling the old ex-tinguised flame.

What did you do to get your wife's attention before you were married? Start back at that point. Arrange for a night out and plan for the babysitter yourself. Never come home empty handed, always bring something home, like a nice bottle of wine, or fixings for a special dinner you want to make her. Then, help her do anything and everything around the house to show her that you want this thing to work. Offer to go to the grocery store, do the laundry, clean the house, change your baby's diapers. Experince tells me that you cannot out-love your wife. You cannot out work her either. Love is not a feeling, it is a matter of the will and you have to will to love her. You also have to love yourself. That means, shed those extra pounds. Go on some evening walks and you push the stroller. And finally tell her everything that you're thinking. Let her know your heart. But more important, ask her to tell you every little thing, then shut up and listen.


There are no guarantees this is going to work for you. But you have to put forth the effort. Unfortunately, I was the one who got left for another after 25 years. Even though I tried all this stuff, it was much too little, too late. Getting dumped like that has given me so much sorrow and grief I can't begin to describe it. Don't dump your wife. You know the right thing to do, so do it. Never forget that you promised to be faithful to her and forsake all others.

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