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Life after a smothering relationship


P964
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My last girl friend of 3 years smothered me so bad that I couldn't stand it anymore. Every 10 seconds it was, I love you, you mean so much to me, she would be hanging all over me, I didn't have a moments peace. Not that I didn't love the girl but there is only so much a guy can take. It's basically what broke us up.

 

So now I am dating a girl who I love more than anything. She is 100 times more independent than my ex. She still tells me she loves me and we get along great but i'm defiantly not the center of her world like I was in my prev. relationship. Now I find myself all the time wondering why she isn't smothering me or telling me she loves me more... Its to the point where I'm getting angry at her for not "needing me" like with my ex. We have talked about it, and she says that she loves me so much and that she isn't a smothering type of person and doesn't like to be smothered.

 

It's almost like I need constant re-asherance from her, and when I don't get it I start to think like "oh my god she is getting sick of me" or "i'm getting on her nerves". We have talked about it a lot and its totally in my head, but I just can't get over it.

 

It's almost like now that I don't have someone needing me in a relationship I'm freaking out because that's all I've ever known. It's starting to become a problem because I'm getting really angry at her and I don't know why. It's like now I'm the needy one and my needs are not being met.

 

She just called me while I was writing this and all I could think of was that I was angry at her. She hasn't done anything to deserve it. I need to figure out a way to get over this.

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First thing is let me tell you I am a female who is right in the middle, I smother just enough and then I back away when its needed. Your dealing with the typical case called "BEING SPOILED" it happened to me too. I was with the Ex, who gave me too much and like you I didnt appreciate it so then I move on and get a person who gives me a little less . Now i'm still stuck on the old stuff and next thing ya know, I'm smothering. God will do this to us to show us that we never miss a good thing until its gone. And while the ex is the ex for a reason, your new lady will never be like her. Don't compare or you'll end up resenting this one too.

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You are basically used to the way your old relationship was. Let more time go by, you are sure to adjust to your new situation. Remember that you don't want to push the new girl away and have to regret your actions. Just trust that she is being honest when she says she loves you because everybody is different and will show their love differently.

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I seem to always date strong, independent women and wish I had one that smothered me! Oh, I did date one years ago, but only for a short time. I wish I had stayed with her!

 

Anyway, I kind of know where u are at because I tend to think that everyone thinks like I do and thereforeeee should do as I do, but I am getting a lesson right now how different we all are. I am interested in a girl that just seems too busy for me and doesn't call me like you'd think a girl interested in a guy would be (and you'd think to tell me she's not interested), yet when we do talk it is the complete opposite. She is very excited about me, tries not to overanalyze everything, and wants to have fun. "So why don't you make more of an effort????" I want to ask. She is just wired differently I guess.

 

Don't get self conscious though. An independent girl will want her space, believe me. I just got out of a long relationship with one that got too independent. But when it was good it was cool. Don't doubt yourself though, if she didn't like you, she wouldn't be dating you.

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P964, I know exactly where you're coming from. My ex-fiance used to smother and spoil me to the point where she set the standard for all future girlfriends. Then I got with my current g/f, and she's not as smothering, not as romantic, and much more indepenent, so a few months in I started to think the way you do. I was becoming very dissinterested in the relationship because of it, and I even posted here once or twice about it. I was getting upset because I was romantic and spontaneous, and she was clearly not.

 

I followed people's advice and I stopped comparing her to my ex, I worked on my self esteem, and I began to worry less about needing that reassurance from her. I also slowed down the romantic stuff for a little while so that she could see how it feels not to get it. Low and behold, she slowly started taking notice of my subtle distance, and then eventually SHE was the one asking for reassurance, and she slowly started becoming more romantic and spontaneous.

 

The funny part is that now, I find the extra phone calls from her (and her asking me to call her more) a bit annoying but what can I do now? Hehehehe. Like the saying goes, be careful what you ask for; you just might get it. remember, your new girlfriend is not your ex; they are 2 different people. Tell yourself that 1000 times; it works for me sometimes. Good luck.

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You know what else i think (no sweetypie, what?)

 

i think this is just punisment for all of us who didnt appreciate the kind people we used to be with. This is what we all get, now were all complaining when we used to complain then but in the opposite way. Back then it was, Ohh man, I need space what should I do? Now its, I need love, what should I do.

 

God can't figure us out

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Leave them wanting more is the way I look at it. If you give someone everything, you end up feeling like you are doing all the work, they feel smothered, or vice versa, so the relationship breaks down. If you truly want someone in your life and they want to be in yours, you will both work hard at it and be sensitive to the other persons requirements.

 

As has been said before, don't go comparing relationships, take each on their own merit. We all would like a partner who worships the ground we walk on but that just isn't fair or right. A good relationship involves two equals who are secure enough to know that the other person is with them for a lots of reasons. As soon as one person starts to lose their independence or their ability to think for themselves then it is doomed.

 

One gf said that I was needy as I wanted a healthy relationship and was willing to work at it, yet she was the one who kept calling when I worked late in the office cos she was all alone. A case of different points of view there!

 

If only there was a book on this stuff!!

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Life is fascinating ... I've been through what you're experiencing and I've seen it happen to lots of people I know. Someone here (I forgot who) wrote that they think it's God's way of punishing us by making us regret what we gave up, but I look at it as God's way of TEACHING us. What better way to learn, than to experience a situation from the opposite perspective!

 

I've been smothered, and I've been the smotherer (is that a real word?). Anyway, I was really needy in a relationships and eventually my boyfriend left me for another girl who was just the opposite. I'll never know if he regretted what happened, but she was definitely a more independent type and they broke up very quickly.

 

I've had lots of relationships since, with guys who were needy and ultimately it drove me crazy. I liked it in the beginning, because it let me know I was loved and I felt totally secure, but after a while it always would get on my nerves. The last two guys I was with who were smothering like that, told me after we broke up that they got with women who were more smothering than them and it drove THEM crazy! Of course, they then said they understood how I must have felt. Lesson learned.

 

As for me I realized that I'd be happier with a guy who loves me, but also gives me space and isn't so needy. Every once in a while I miss the constant reassurances you get from the smothering types, like my last boyfriend. If I start to compare them, I start to feel like I'm missing something. But when I remember how much it got on my nerves -- I thank God for the one I'm with, he loves me AND he gives me space, he's perfect for me!

 

The most important lesson these things bring us is knowledge of what's most important to us in a relationship. Sounds like you just need to choose which "style" of loving works best for you and choose someone who's compatible with that. Another lesson I got from all of this is that what's most important is fulfilling your own needs *yourself*. That's why smothering never works -- that person is trying to get you to fulfill all your needs and no person outside of yourself can do that.

 

Sara_M

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