How do I get out of this?

[amystar]

I’m too ashamed to even post right now. I’ve posted many times before about my relationship with my boyfriend and that it needed to end. Well, here I am several months later, still with him.

 

We’ve been together over 3 years now, friends many years before that. Our relationship has been going downhill for the past year or so. There are several issues in our relationship, the biggest one is that he just does not spend time with me. He stood me up 3 days in a row this week. Right now, he’s taking the summer off from grad school, working only part time, there is absolutely no excuse, and yet I have not seen him in over a week now. I’m lucky to see him once every two weeks, sometimes three weeks or more will go by before we see each other. He only lives 30 mins away.

 

Last Thursday, he called me at work and told me that he is too tired to come see me and that he will come over Friday instead. He also said that he can’t see me Saturday because his brother has a graduation (which I’m not invited to) and he wants to spend the day with his family. I was fine with that. After I got off work Friday (I work 50+ hours a week and still want to see him), I called him, no answer. Sent a text message, no answer once again. 7pm rolls along, he finally calls me acting very strange. He said he doesn’t feel well. I asked if he still wants to get together, he just remained silent. I asked again, he remained silent. I felt like I was trying to talk to a 2 year old on the phone, well at least a 2 year old would respond. After saying “hello!” several times, he replies with a “hi”. So I finally told him that it seems like he does not really want to see me so we will just call it a night. All of a sudden his voice almost lit up, and he said “Hey love, I’m sorry I suck so much”. That was the end of our conversation. Mind you, he is also leaving on a business trip this week which means I won’t see him probably for another week.

 

After this conversation with him (more like the conversation with myself), I was just broken up, I can’t understand why he simply does not want to spend time with me. I love this guy so much, I’m loving towards him, I’m supportive of his career/education. I’m always there when he needs me. I treat him with respect. I’m not perfect by any means but I try so hard to make him happy. My mother saw me crying after the conversation. She told me that he has been breaking me apart for the past year. She told me I’m not the person I used to be. I’ve almost become depressed over this and I hate the fact that I’m letting him do this to me. And yet, I remain with him. Why is it so difficult to get out of this? I wish I could just turn my feelings off!

 

I think of myself as a pretty intelligent person, and never in a million years would I have thought I would find myself in this situation. What am I doing to screw this up? In the past three days I’ve cried on my best friends shoulder at least 2-3 times a day. Why am I doing this to myself? I feel so lost.:sad:

[redrose85]

You need to break up with him because he no longer makes you happy. I am sorry, but it sounds like he just isn't that into you anymore, and rather than breaking up with you, he makes up excuses as to why he can't see you. This is teenage boy behavior. There are real men out there, who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Don't be a doormat. Maybe I am wrong and he still does want to be with you. You should try backing away, not calling him, not seeing him, etc... and see how he responds.

[Lana0120]

Because you love him and you don't want to let go. It sounds like something has to give though. So why don't you sit him down and tell him that you want to spend more time together and you want him to be more reliable and see how he responds. If he doesn't change his ways, then dump him. Personally though, it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you either, and doesn't have the courage to end the relationship. I would not be surprised if he is seeing someone else, either. I think you should end the relationship now, but if you do not want to do that, at the very least, you cannot let things continue as they are. You need to have some kind of discussion with him.

[Ixtapa]

If you find it too hard to have another "discussion" with him and can't find the strength to break up with him just yet, maybe you could try pulling away a little bit and see how he reacts.

 

He seems to be taking you for granted. You are always there for him, caring for him, etc when he doesnt seem to care all that much for you.

 

So I would say do not contact him again for now. Let HIM do the contacting and make the effort to see you. He might surprise you by realising that he actually really misses you and wants to make some efforts to see you.

If not, well...it will be heartbreaking but you will know for sure he is not worth the effort and the pain he is putting you through.....

[amystar]

Thanks for all of your replies.

 

I have tried speaking to him about the situation. I told him how I felt. He said he was going to try to change things but they haven't changed.

 

Here is the other really strange thing: I tried telling him that maybe things just are not meant to be between us. I wasn't breaking up with him but I opened the door for him to tell me what he wants. I asked him to tell me if he would rather be single for now, and he said no! To me, that was a perfect opportunity for him to tell me he does not want to be with me. He told me, "I'm perfectly happy with the way things are, and you're not, I wouldn't be with you if I didn't want to". Then why is he treating me this way?

 

Since yesterday I have let him contact me. He has texted me several times and called me once (he usually calls several times). I have replied to one of his text messages. I'm trying to remain withdrawn. I just told him to wish his brother a happy graduation for me. I don't know what to do for now. I don't know if I should tell him to give me some space for a few days or just answer his phone calls but keep them short.

[shygirl1212]

amy,

 

it sounds like he has emotionally checked out of the relationship - technically the 2 of you are still together BUT emotionally he is not there anymore.

 

It seems like he doesn't have the courage/guts to tell you about this because he may be afraid of being alone.

 

Just becareful - is he waiting to find someone else and then let you go? then that way he would have someone to lean on and not be lonely.

 

I'm not saying that he doesn't care/love you BUT it really does sound like he has checked out of the relationship but hasn't told you yet and is not doing the right thing...

 

UNLESS he has always been this way? i.e. aloof?

[Star14]

amy,

 

it sounds like he has emotionally checked out of the relationship - technically the 2 of you are still together BUT emotionally he is not there anymore.

 

It seems like he doesn't have the courage/guts to tell you about this because he may be afraid of being alone.

 

Just becareful - is he waiting to find someone else and then let you go? then that way he would have someone to lean on and not be lonely.

 

I'm not saying that he doesn't care/love you BUT it really does sound like he has checked out of the relationship but hasn't told you yet and is not doing the right thing...

 

I agree with shygirl. The indifference will hurt you more. Try talking to him again- if that doesn't help- WALK.

[amystar]

shygirl,

 

I really don't know what it is. I wish he would just tell me. I would rather him tell me that he doesn't want to be with me than staying in this much pain all the time.

 

He has been like this on and off. The first year and a half of our relationship was amazing. I thought I was going to end up marrying this guy one day. Then he started being this way but now it's worse than it's ever been. He acts withdrawn for a few days and then he tells me he wants to marry me and have kids....etc...etc....then it's back down again. This spending time together things has been an issue for a about a year now. We went from seeing each other every other day to not seeing each other at all anymore.

 

Also, I think he may have some psychological issues. He's taking depression medications as well as anxiety meds among some other meds as well. I never thought that would have an impact on our relationship though.

 

The bottom line is though, I'm just can't take the pain anymore. The things that hurts the most is that he doesn't seem to care.

[shygirl1212]

amy,

 

i was in a serious relationship of 8 years - my ex and i just recently broke up.

 

i know your situation is very different than mine BUT just to give you a different perspective on why someone withdraws or emotionally checks out of a relationship.

 

my ex did some really crappy things to me which eventually caused the break-up - he was dishonest and hurt me badly - the relationship needed to end.

 

but for about one year, i couldn't bring myself to end it for many reasons:

 

- i still loved him

- i didn't want to hurt him

- i was scared of being alone

- i thought i was to blame for his lies (but now i realize i wasn't)

- i was so confused

 

I checked out of the relationship and withdrew from him...I realize it was wrong now BUT i didn't realize it before. I should have gone out as soon as these feelings emerged BUT i just couldn't at the time.

 

fast forward to 1 year later and the relationship is over - i finally got the courage to end it.

 

i didn't "wait" around to meet someone else before I ended it with him.

 

i'm all alone now and i have to move on with my life.

 

What i'm trying to say is that it seems to me that your bf has checked out of the relationship - this back & forth thing he does is TOTALLY unfair to you, and is playing with your heart.

 

ESPECIALLY when he is telling you, he wants to get married and have children with you - this is NO way to be treating your future wife/mother of your children.

 

IF it is a side-effect of his medication then perhaps it is a different story BUT still one that needs to be addressed and resolved in some way.

 

Bottom line - the 2 of you need to sit down, talk it out and resolve it either way.

 

either it is a side-effect of the meds OR he's checked out of the relationship but doesn't have the guts to end it.

[amystar]

shygirl,

 

Thanks for all of your advice! I know what I need to do but I just can't bring myself to do it. Everything in my house reminds me of him. Over the past 5 years he has been a huge part of my life. I don't know how to let the good memories go. I just need to realize that he isn't the person I fell in love with anymore.

 

The pain seems so endless....I'm in pain if I stay...I will be in pain if I break it off. I guess I have to realize that the pain eventually stops....I hope.

 

By the way shygirl, I am so proud of you for ending a bad relationship after 8 years. I'm only 3 and a half into mine and I just can't seem to let go. I should definitely take your advice. You must be an incredibly strong person!!!!

[Rabican]

It sounds to me like the relationship is already over in his book. On top of that his behavior sounds a lot like the behavior a lot of people see when their partner is cheating... you may want to consider that. Also consider that you are no longer happy with him. I think you WERE happy with him, and wish you still could be... but you cannot make him love you, want to be with you, spend time with you etc. he either will or he wont.

Sure there are things you could do to pursuade him in your direction, but you cant force him... and the bottom line is if he doesnt want to be there, physically, emotionally, verbally whatever... then he isnt worth the hassle.

 

Right now you are going through the pain of a breakup in everything but name. He isnt around, you are hurting etc. and the only thing you are not getting is the no contact and the closure that you need so you can heal. From what you said its like you are breaking up with him every 2 or 3 weeks over and over... and never healing afterwards. You need to break up with him to break that cycle. Simply tell him how you feel, he knows darn well what hes doing... unless hes mentally not there he will understand. And tell him that you love him, and if he ever got his stuff together you could give it another shot, but you cant if hes going to treat you second class.

[Rabican]

 

Here is the other really strange thing: I tried telling him that maybe things just are not meant to be between us. I wasn't breaking up with him but I opened the door for him to tell me what he wants. I asked him to tell me if he would rather be single for now, and he said no! To me, that was a perfect opportunity for him to tell me he does not want to be with me. He told me, "I'm perfectly happy with the way things are, and you're not, I wouldn't be with you if I didn't want to". Then why is he treating me this way?

 

I heard a saying on the radio the other day: What you permit, you promote. Think about that for a minute.

 

Secondly, he IS perfectly happy at the moment. He gets to be single (because thats what he is right now when hes not spending his time with you), and he can come and see you when he wants, because you will let him... probably just because by then you are so happy to see him you dont care about all of his other BS! So he gets the single life, with the security of a gf, the sex when he wants it (im guessing here) etc. Its win win for a guy whos too cowardly, and lacks the respect and manhood to treat his girl as she deserves.

 

Again I say, kick the bum out.

[Lana0120]

I agree with Rabican. It crossed my mind as well that he might be cheating on you. In which case, you're a back-up in case anything goes wrong and probably it feeds his ego to know that he has someone waiting in the wings who cares about him. Otherwise, it is just fear of being alone, because it's apparent from his behaviour that he just isn't that into you. Usually, I'd say that it's better to break up in person, but it sounds like he would try and persuade you otherwise. I think you should write him a letter or e-mail, breaking up with him and telling him that you want no further contact. It would hurt you like hell, but I think it's the best thing to do. You need to get out of this relationship, otherwise you're only going to get even more miserable.

[amystar]

I heard a saying on the radio the other day: What you permit, you promote. Think about that for a minute.

 

Secondly, he IS perfectly happy at the moment. He gets to be single (because thats what he is right now when hes not spending his time with you), and he can come and see you when he wants, because you will let him... probably just because by then you are so happy to see him you dont care about all of his other BS! So he gets the single life, with the security of a gf, the sex when he wants it (im guessing here) etc. Its win win for a guy whos too cowardly, and lacks the respect and manhood to treat his girl as she deserves.

 

Again I say, kick the bum out.

 

You are absolutely right. I get worked up over the two weeks I don't see him, I think about what I'm going to say when I break up with him. Then he drops by for a visit and it all goes out the window. He gets all mushy with me as soon as he sees me, starts hugging and kissing me....and I can't work up the courage to do what I was going to do. Then he disappears for another two weeks.

 

I haven't called him for the past two days. I told him I'm hurt and need some time to myself. He won't stop texting me, constantly asking me why I haven't called him so just a few mins ago I did. He was acting like nothing happened. I told him that he has hurt me deeply, he was just silent so I told him I need to get off the phone. What I don't understand is he wants to talk to me but he does not care that I'm upset. I've come right out and told him that I'm very hurt by his actions, and he has not said a word about it.....not even an apology......nothing.....then he has the guts to tell me he loves me when he hangs up the phone, so much for showing it. I just hate what he's putting me through.

[amystar]

I agree with Rabican. It crossed my mind as well that he might be cheating on you. In which case, you're a back-up in case anything goes wrong and probably it feeds his ego to know that he has someone waiting in the wings who cares about him. Otherwise, it is just fear of being alone, because it's apparent from his behaviour that he just isn't that into you. Usually, I'd say that it's better to break up in person, but it sounds like he would try and persuade you otherwise. I think you should write him a letter or e-mail, breaking up with him and telling him that you want no further contact. It would hurt you like hell, but I think it's the best thing to do. You need to get out of this relationship, otherwise you're only going to get even more miserable.

 

I wish I could just send him an e-mail and tell him it's over. I've been broken up with through an e-mail before and I thought it was a miserable way to end it, granted it was also a very short relationship. After that, I always told myself I would never do that to anybody. But I just can't seem to do it in person either. Also about the cheating, I would not be surprised at the slightest. I hardly see him and I never know what he's up to. He might be out there dating another women and I don't even know about it.

 

He seemed like such a wonderful guy, he was a great friend before we dated and practically begged me to go out with him. I didn't want to ruin the friendship if something went wrong but finally I just gave in. He is such a different person now, so cold and distant. Sometimes I start blaming myself, maybe it was me that did something wrong. I apologize, now I'm just venting. Thanks for reading.