living my truth

[kuiks8]

I am on here so much I figure I will join the masses and start journaling-can't hurt.

 

I had an appt with an energy therapist today and the one thing she said that stuck out is that many people live putting up facades about how they think life should be or how they think people want them to be and she said for me to just live my truth.

 

Hearing her say that I know that I am a person who in every way tries to live my truth. I have always been very aware of where I am at in my life, what my struggles and flaws are. I have always been very open to getting feedback and help and have always been interested in changing.

 

So here I am at this great cross roads of my life and i am going forward with the noble notion that I will from here on in live my truth. This journal will be my thoughts, hopes and dreams of what that might entail.

[kuiks8]

So today I woke up late, I am sitting on my couch looking around this house that holds the memories of the demise of my marriage and yet again I can't make myself pack. I have always been a bit of a procrastinator so its possible I will just do it right at the end, but part of me is just so scared of the next step. The dream of Vancouver started for me in October and now here at the end of May its happening-it's crazy!!!

I can do this though. I know in my gut that this is the right thing. All the pieces have fallen in to place so easily, I am going with the flow and because of that I know what i am doing is right.

I am not naive I know there will be hard times, I know i will get lonely but in those times I hope I can rely on my ENA friends, my friends back home and the knowledge that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. The knowledge that I risked my comfortable stagnant life to follow my dreams.

There is strength there and for today that is my truth.

[kuiks8]

I went out for dinner with one of my best friends. I don't have a large group of friends but I have 3 core people in my life who have been there in good and bad times. Amidst all the HUGE changes i have made the past couple months I haven't really stopped to think about the fact that I am leaving my friends. I am pretty sad tonight b/c the knowledge is setting in. I am leaving in 11 days...going to a big city (i have never lived in a big city) I am going clear accross country, I know 1 person there, I don't know any of the areas, I don't know any of the places and I won't have any of my support networks including my friends and family. So what do i do if something happens, who do i ask for advice on the best place to eat, shop etc...

I'm scared...I am soo friggin scared...

[kuiks8]

Ok so new day, new perspective. In less then 10 days my life is going to drastically change and I believe for the better. I will for the first time EVER be doing something completely for myself. Not because I want to appease anyone, not because I think it is the right thing to do, not because of what any religion says, FOR ME.

 

I am going to get out of this toxic house and this toxic environment that I have been living in for the past 2 years and I will be able to breathe again.

 

I am going to be completely independent, and free...all this fretting, all this worry, all this fear its needless...I am following my truth, I am living my dream and there is hope in that.

[kuiks8]

Just had dinner with my family to say good bye. It seems surreal. I picked a fight with all of them and almost left with my last words being f you all...I don't know why I felt like i needed to leave that way. I got all the way down the road before I turned back and apologized. What is it in me that needs to push people away. Note to self: examine this further...

It seems weird that I won't see my mom now for a couple months. I have never been very far from her...

Its all happening so fast!

[kuiks8]

My sister made some good suggestions for when i am in Vancouver. I am writing them here so I won't forget. Set my alarm for the same time every day. Get up and get outside. Walk to the nearest coffee shop and take some time to get in the right mindset, a positive place, shed all my negativity and prepare for my day.

I think too often we rush around and just jump from one thing to the next and take little time to set up our day. I want to make sure I put intention in to everything I do once I am out west.

My life is like a blank slate. I am moving to a new city where i know nothing and no one. I can make my life whatever I want to from here on in. Now i just have to spend some time figuring out what it is I want my life to be.

Will think on this and write more later....

[kuiks8]

I just got back from seeing my counselor. What an amazing appointment. She basically gave me a 60 minute pep talk. I have a week to get my head in order and ready for the journey ahead.

I need to spend some time thinking on what it is i want to get out of this next stage of life. I need to focus my intentions on what it is I want to bring in to my life, what i hope to learn and accomplish.

She had some very interesting points for me. She said in my life i am a princess (as if i didn't know this hehe) but she meant that I have and always will have abundance in my life, as long as i remain grateful for it and share of my wealth it will always be that way. I believe this. I have no reason not to, I have lived a very blessed life in so many ways. I have always had wonderful supportive people in my life, i have always had all my needs met, i have always had more then enough in terms of financial stability. I don't worry about money b/c i have never had to. Doesn't mean i will spend needless etc but I just choose not to worry about it.

The thing that is moving me forward is that I know I have a greater purpose, a calling to help. I believe i was brought in to this world as a healer and I want to use my gifts to help others. I want to serve the greater good. I need to continuously remind myself of that purpose so when times get rough i can know that every thing i have experienced has given me more tools to do so.

I need to center and ground myself on a daily basis, i need to take time to be still and spend time with God and myself. I need to start taking better care of my physical body.

This past month has been bad for that. I have not been sleeping, i hardly eat, i have been drinking mass amounts of alcohol, hardly any water. I have not taken time to just be by myself and in my own thoughts. I need to take some time for myself for the next bit to get in to the right mindset for Vancouver. This is my life and I need to stand in power in it.

[kuiks8]

Just back from the energy therapist:

We dealt with my doubts about leaving everything normal and safe in my life to pursue my dreams. We dealt with my families fear that I am doing something wrong. We dealt with the fact that I am blaming myself for my marriage ending and that i need to see that it was good to get out early rather then late.

We dealt with my feeling like i am not worth any amount of effort. That i need to find my own worth so that I will feel worthy in a relationship. I am not disposable. Dealt with my needing to control my urges and not letting my urges control me. I only have ths one body so i need to treat it with respect. There are always going to be men who want a pretty face only give my time to the men who are interested in knowing me more. I have worth, I have value and I need to believe in myself so i don't disregard my worth to ANY man.

 

The most profound thing she said is that I am breaking my own heart. I need to think more on this one...

[kuiks8]

Had my card reading today. It was good and positive but there were some things I definitely did not want to hear

May 30-08

1st Spread

PRESENT-4 of cups-cups=emotions-someone is offering an emotional connection and someone is hesitating in receiving it, there is need for a pause, there is distance.

 

CHALLENGE-Chariot-represents new independence, balance, liberation & being in control of ones own destiny, chariot is impatient and will forge forward, need to be grounded and in control. Patience is needed.

 

ABOVE-Page of wands-page=youth, rods=energy-not grounded, distracted with other things, wasting time and being ineffective

 

ROOT/BASE-5 of wands-conflict of energy, with another person or with self, not sure of intention etc

 

PAST-King of Cups-king=father or grandfather energy, someone higher than you, cups=emotions, so there is a man in your life who is hiding his feelings and emotions, he is retreating and silent, distant, but it is in the past so you are moving forward from that situation.

 

AHEAD-Wheel of Fortune-represents opportunity, karmic wheel of destiny, knowing when to move forward, trust in the universe, honour the process and the lessons being offered to be learned. Life lessons surfaced for my own personal growth.

 

PERCEPTION OF SELF-Magician-can generate energy around us to avoid things or get things done. Can use energy to change things, use what you have to get what you want, trust universe that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and everything happened for a reason

 

ENVIRONMENT-Page of swords-swords=communication-not articulating what you want, feel misunderstood, having grounding issues, not clear on intent for future, need to be more in sync and in tune with what it is you are seeking

 

HOPE/FEAR-Heirophant-doing the right thing, being moral/having faith, taking the higher ground, do what is right for your life, take time to stop and really learn and process the lessons that have recently come to pass. Honour where you have been, feel it and process it.

 

6 of pentacles-pentacles=security/money/status-how you're regarded, your status-PRIDE

 

5 of pentacles-5=make or break-doing with abandonment, feeling alone and isolated, shift in emotional and physical security, loss of sense of self worth

 

OUTCOME-hermit-you have been injured, you are in a time of recovery and spiritual growth, search for you own sense of what has gone on, a time of spiritual enlightenment and reflection. Take time to process the hurt and learn the lessons

 

8 of Pentacles-get busy, support yourself, use your hands.

 

Summary-you are exactly where you are supposed to be, stand in your own power, take this time to reflect and learn, don't distract yourself, focus on getting grounded and using your faith and beliefs to move forward in your life.

 

2nd Spread

 

PRESENT-page of cups-emotionally vulnerable right now, not standing strong, hurt and trying to recover

 

CHALLENGE-Victory-i have succeeded, no shame in what has occurred, I am winning in life

 

ABOVE-loss of partner, experience and acknowledge the loss that has occurred.

 

ROOT- 10 of wands-huge responsibility and weight has been lifted, not completely but it is lessening and shifting.

 

PAST-Empress-mother energy, have dealt with her fears/hang ups but it is the past, you are living your own life

 

AHEAD-Strength-represents the pureness of your intent, a time of cleansing and self acceptance, take the time to fill myself with light and love, this card represents tolerance, purity, beauty. I am strong in my endeavors and my intentions and i am doing exactly what needs to be done.

 

PERCEPTION OF SELF-Sun-feel your life like the warmth of the sun, this is a card about wellness of mind body and spirit a time of renewal.

 

ENVIRONMENT-Ace of Swords-this is an opportunity to change how i have been thinking and communicating, this is not the easiest time to have to deal with so much change, but is the opportunity to take the wisdom of the hermit and the opportunity of wheel of fortune. A time of challenge and thinking of where you have been and what you want to change and do differently

 

HOPE/FEAR-2 of blades-2=balance/scales-at a crossroads-I can either change and go down a different path and learn from past mistakes or maintain the same patterns

 

2 of pentacles-i need to balance and ground myself

 

Heirophant-do the right thing, live the way I am supposed to live, all about faith/belief/integrity and learning life lessons (this card was pulled twice) shift focus from avoiding yourself and the things you need to do to learning from what you have experienced. Change your patterns

 

Magician-avoid it or make it happen (your path) its a choice to move your life forward or maintain the same path (also pulled twice)

 

Summary from 2nd spread-restore/connect with your faith, do what needs to be done to most serve your life. Come out valuing yourself and knowing your own worth. Stand in your own power...

 

 

Very positive read for sure...Great to get the confirmation that my intentions have always been pure. Just hard to break old patterns

[kuiks8]

I am finally packed. Its all very real now! in 3 sleeps I will be moving 4600kms!!!

I am actually starting to get excited. Its been a really hard week, i have been saying so many good byes and seeing so many friends that I haven't had any time to process anything. I start school the week after I get to Vancouver so I am going to take the 1st week to just be. Get to know my condo, my location and to ground myself.

I want to get on a regular sleep schedule, I want to start eating properly, drink less...just take care of myself.

I want to make sure I take this time of freedom and liberation and make the absolute most of it. I want to be the best version of myself EVERY DAY!!!

 

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

I'm pumped!!!!

[wtm78]

i think you are doing great... even when you are going through a big event in your life.. you are still positive and gives good and positive advice in the forum...

 

 

[kuiks8]

I am here. I arrived in my new city of Vancouver @ 5:10 pm PT time.

I am now sitting in my new condo in loud downtown and it's all hitting me.

Today was hard I had to say good bye to my best friend in the entire world. She has really carried me through the past couple months I don't know what i would do with out her. The reassuring thing is that no amount of time or distance will break our bond!

 

So I am heading to bed very early and I will wake up for the first time in my new city. I am going to pour my intentions in to making each day a positive learning experience.

 

So begins the rest of my life. I jumped, I landed safely and now i just need to navigate my new life!

[wtm78]

it is indeed a big leap of faith... i am sure you will be carry through on eagle's wings...

[kuiks8]

So 2nd day in Vancouver...hmmm I amused myself by spending money...I think i am going to have to find a cheaper way to pass the time!

I'm lonely...if i was back home I would call a g/f and we would chat and go for a walk or something. Now I have to do all that by myself...kind of weird to think of really.

I am going to have to find some way to get out there and make friends for sure.

Hmmm.....what to do...

[wtm78]

retail therapy? good choice.

 

dont worry you can enjoy yourself.. being alone is not being lonely..

 

sign up a gym or yoga class.. attend a church.. or look out for signages that says... lonely foreginers only...

[kuiks8]

I am sitting here on top of the world! I have had the most amazing day! I saw a glimpse of what my life can be. I was walking down the street and could not wipe the smile off my face. I have found my city, i have found my purpose and I am moving forward.

It has been a rough couple days for sure but i don't want to live in that doubt and fear anymore. They are wasteful draining emotions that serve no purpose.

I want to live with joy and hope and determination. I know now that I have the ability and power to make my life whatever i want it to be and i want to spend every day in that knowledge.

I have lived a blessed life. I have had beautiful wonderful people come in to my life who have shown me so many lessons and so many wonders. I have been blessed and I know i will continue to be blessed.

 

Without a doubt God stepped in today to show me the possibilities of my life, to show me what i could have and how i could live and I don't want to forget how wonderful this feels.

 

I am determined to make this experience the best possible thing. I am determined to come out of this with my dream intact, with my spirit strengthened and my goals made concrete.

 

I am at peace.

[kuiks8]

I am back. I feel blessed to be back in this community of wonderful supportive people. I have definitely missed the care and support.

 

My life is pretty wonderful these days. I am truly grateful for all the experiences that have lead me to this very place. There are days when I am alone in my small little bachelor apartment and I am so happy and in awe that this is MY life, that I made this happen.

 

I feel soo blessed to see mountains everyday, their raw power and awe inspiring beauty is my daily inspiration and my source of strength and comfort.

 

My school program is exactly what I hoped it would be. I am challenged daily by the information I am learning. I thoroughly enjoy the people in my classes and fully welcome the opportunity to work through my own issues while learning how to help others.

 

I found peace with my ex husband, we left it that we no longer talk but we got to a place where neither of us is blaming the other. We know we weren't right for each other and are able to let each other go to find true happiness. It was hard for me to admit but I am so relieved to be out of that marriage and I am soo much happier in my new life.

 

I feel soo alive, I walk more, i eat healthier, I work out on a regular basis. I am finally learning that who I am as a person is so much more than how I look on the outside. I am able to accept and love myself where I am at (most days) and I strive to do that daily...

 

I am sooo blessed!

[kuiks8]

soo it's 1:30 am here and sooo much is going through my head. I keep picturing our old house. In reality, i hated that house, it became my prison more than my sanctuary but I keep thinking how nice it was to be in a place that was all mine. It was soo nice to have "stuff"

I am happy here in Vancouver but right now in this moment I am very aware that I am living in a furnished apartment where the only things that are mine are the paintings on the wall and the comforter on the bed. It might have been rash but when my ex and i separated i didn't really take anything, i took the paintings and the pottery and that was it. Now i realize after this year is over I will be at ground zero with absolutely nothing!

soo many thoughts keep racing through my head, none of which have to do with missing my ex as a person directly so in that way i know i did the right thing BUT....

I miss the security, the house, the "stuff" I miss my dog that I had to leave behind more than words can say.

Yes i am on a great adventure and most days I am super proud of myself for getting out here and making it on my own, its just some nights my thoughts start racing and i begin to question everything!

[kuiks8]

I don't miss much about my old life but tonight i am missing my puppy soo much...I wish with all of my heart I could have had her out here...and i am SOOO angry at my ex for giving her away....he said he would keep her and then as soon as i moved he didn't want her anymore...

i am forgetting what she was like, her mannerisms, the way her fur felt when i would pet her, her cute little bark...how excited she would get to see us....her playful nature

FRIG!!!

I just want to hold her again...

[kuiks8]

My current course is abnormal psychology. Today we talked about Eating Disorders which stirred up a whole bunch of crap for me...but it also made me realize how far i have come. I still struggle with my eating and body image but i have so much more confidence and faith and love for myself.

I am better at accepting myself where I am at and being graceful with my flaws etc.

It was good to look back to know how far I have come so i can know how much farther i can go!