I was sexualy abused.... I NEED REVENGE!!!

[amber81]

hi guys! how are you?

 

Lately I've been feeling like * * * * .... I notice this is kind of a cycle in my life... after feeling so well, then comes a time when I start remembering what happened to me, and feeling bad about it, and feeling so stressed and uncomfortable with my self, that I cant stand it... that even I've been having some suicidal thoughts.... the pain, the stress, the burden I carry is so much that i just want to stop feeling bad, is not really that i dont desire to leave, it is just that the pressure, the bad feelings are so bad...

 

I was abused by the father of my mom.... I hate the @#$@#$!! I would like to kill him, revive him and kill him again... make him suffer as much as I can!! =I have so much anger as you can see...and I dont like it... cause while im here burning inside with rage and pain, the ashole is living in peace... i dont know what to do to calm down... i think im going crazy.. i really think a lot about my revenge, about how to hurt him.... and is not in physical way, i want to make him feel ashame, i want all the world to know the kind of scrap he is... i want to take his honor away.... i want to sink him.... this is what i want....and the only thing that stops me is my family... my dad, cause he doesnt know about this, and he is a pretty violent guy, so if he knows this will end up in tragedy, with the old man dead and my dad in jail, and this is not what i want.... on the other hand are the siblings of my mom, cause my mom's familly is pretty bad, pretty wird, they are all psychos, so despite the fact they know what happened to me, what he did to me, they didnt react to it, they didnt say anything, they just talk to my mom and say please forgive him, he is feeling pretty bad... ohhh the poor thing couldnt handle the pressure.... what about me? they think i have a normal life, that im so happy, well im not!! i have many pshycological problems....

im so unhappy, many times, i dont trust the MEN of my family, i would rather sleep next to an homless extranger than my dad, or my brother or my uncle... I am afraid of them... they didnt do anything to me, but its the trauma i have, i cant stand to be close to them... even if they aint guilty... i feel stressed being around them, next to them.. i feel threathened and in danger...

i have trouble to have sex with my bfriend, sometimes i dont wanna be touched, i dont want him to stare at me... i just feel bad... and i hate i!! cause i love him and he cant understand what's going on,cause he doesnt know.... I told what happened to me to my exboyfriend, and i think that destroyed our relationship, cause i was putting to much pressufre on him about this matter, when he is not even guilty... so i dont wanna make the same mistake again, so i want to keep my bf away of all of this.. and try to be normal....

but guys i need revenge!! i want to torture this person in every possible way... i want to call him, and bother him... tell him taht im gonna kill him and do other stuff...t he thing is i know that if i start doing something like this im gonna end up reallly crazy.... im gonna unleash a monster...so i really dont know what to do..... i need to tell him what he caused in my life, how he affected me., cause he doesnt have a clue... anyway i dont think that would do much it is not like if he cared, right? if he'd cared about me he wouldnt have done this to me...... he was a looser all his life, an alcoholic,that my grandma had to take care of, he never worked, he was a shame, but also a child abuser....... i hate him.... i hate him,... im sorry, i need to say this,cause this is burning me inside..... this is killing me.... im desperated....im gonna go crazy....

 

when im not feeling bad, im pretty good, pretty normal, but when im in this "mood" im so depresive, so full of hate and i need revenge... i dont know what to do.......

please, help me!!!

 

I just want to be normal, i wish i could erase this from my past, from my head... and i would have no problems in life... i do have them, but i can solve them, work on the, but this makes me feel so bad, cause i dont need it, if my grand father were a good guy, i would be rocking right know... why did he take that away from me?? why???? i have many problesm, that already make me stressed and worried, and this!! i dont need it, i dont like it, but i cant avoid it, its in my head....

 

what can i do? i would like to go to therapy but im poor, i dont have money to pay.....i dont have insurance.... how can i get free help.... please, help me...

[melrich]

You need to get professional therapy to deal with this. You have a lot bottled up inside of you. There must be some community programs you could access?

[kuiks8]

i would agree with melrich holding on to all that anger is only hurting you...I too was abused by my grandfather on my moms side...its a horrible thing to have happen and i get the anger...but i can not stress enough that you need to get help...there must be some kind of community rape crisis centre type deal that offers free counseling or try local churches etc...there are support groups for victims of abuse....

you need to deal with this b/c if you keep it pent up it will eat you up inside...there is life beyond the abuse...i know and i promise you it can be better.

If you ever need anything feel free to PM me

my thoughts are with you

[crosstownTraffic]

It's okay to feel angry at someon who abused you OP. Kuiks did you get counselling after you were raped? You seem well-adjusted now.

It's awful when something bad happens to you, and everyone acts like it's okay... there is no worse feeling OP. go talk to someone professional. I think it will help you... maybe you can even press charges... He should be held accountable imho. That is a crime.

[kuiks8]

i have had lots and lots and lots of counseling and i am still in counseling to deal with some of the unforeseen after affects...i was abused when i was a child and again at the age of 15...its the best possible thing you can do in these situations...

[thejigsup]

I was raped when I was younger by my then-bf's good friend. When I told him, he had the problem taken care of, by a couple of "professionals". While I don't agree with his methods of settling the score, I gained two things: I knew my boyfriend valued me over his friend and revenge was mine. I have never given it another thought. As I am older now and no longer condone physical solutions, I will tell you that counseling will give you the same support as I got from my bf. I respected men again and had no residual fear or sexual problems.

[Aleadragonhawk]

You need counseling, not revenge. Revenge can result in some feeling of satisfaction/vindication, but it doesn't address the issue and it doesn't help you live with it on a daily basis.

[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!!

 

I haven't read your whole post yet, because I was so anxious to write to you.

 

I think what you are feeling is soooooooooooooo normal. This is just a part of the healing process.

 

Let the anger out, vent, this is a healthy way to relive the anger you feel within.

 

This is a very good step for you, in my opinion anyway.

 

I used to write about all of this horrible stuff I wanted to happen to my rapist.

 

I had a therapist who encouraged me to do it, and I'm so glad that she did. If you dont let out the rage it will eat you up inside.

 

She told me to write letters, and draw pictures of things I wanted to happen to him. She even suggested I go into the garage with a stack of pillows, and beat them with a tennis racket or bat.

 

I never got to the bat part but I took advantage of drawing pictures, and writing things on paper, or this site.

 

And I understand you not feeling comfortable around men, it takes time, believe me.

 

If you feel uncomfortable around your dad, don't worry about it, it will pass. I know you might feel a little guilty about that, considering he didn't do anything to you. I felt that way also.

 

Before my rape, I had never experienced true anger. And I was uncomfortable feeling angry.

 

But you have a right to be angry, don't let anyone tell you differently.

 

Something horrible was done to you, and you should be upset about being violated like that.

 

So let the anger out. Because anger turned inward is depression (I learned that from my therapist ).

 

You'll find that this anger won't last always, it's just a period you are going through.

 

The writing helped me a lot, and so did the pictures.

 

Just don't try to stuff it in.

 

When I was going through my period of anger, I was seeing therapists, so that was really helpful.

 

They gave me a sense of validation which was really helpful.

 

Right now you are probably angry because you are confused, hurt, and frustrated.

 

You are probably trying to figure out why this had to happen to you. I'm sure you are experiencing excruciating pain. And you are probably frustrated that you can't seem to get on with your life.

 

Things like this however, can make you extremely patient. You have to be patient with yourself.

 

Sexual abuse/molestation/rape, it all damages your soul in an unspeakable fashion. It's not that you can't heal, but you don't heal overnight.

 

I used to be extremely angry with my rapist while I was going through a rough period of healing

*I wasn't able to graduate from college on time

*I couldn't sleep without prescription medication

*I had to take anti-depressants that made me loopy

*Being around people made me frantic

*I was hyper-sensitive to everything

*I was always afraid

*I was constantly nauseated

*Sometimes I would feel like he was still in me

*I ate myself fat, because I was thin when he raped me, and I couldn't tolerate being thin anymore

*Because I got fat, I got stretch marks that I referred to as my rape scars

*I had nightmares

*PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Depression

*A family that didn't understand me anymore and was upset by the way I had changed

*My short term memory was shot

*I could sit on a couch all day staring into space

*Triggers were being set off left and right

*I couldn't stop crying

 

And the list goes on and on.

 

When you are struggling day in and day out, and you see no end in sight, you tend to ask yourself...."What's wrong with me? What's causing my life to be such a living nightmare?!"

 

Then you go, "Oh, that's right, this all started with the rape/child abuse"

 

So it's hard not to feel upset with someone who has flipped your world upside down.

 

You have to learn yourself over again. You have to learn the things you can do and the things you can't. What will give you panic attacks and what won't. You learn what your triggers are, and how to avoid situations that will set them off. You have to learn how to monitor your stress levels, because stress will shut you down, etc. etc.

 

But I think that as you start to heal, you'll feel less anger.

 

So know that this is just a phase, just a small part of your recovery.

 

It'll be okay. I was really suicidal too. Life gets so tough during recovery sometimes that death becomes extremely attractive, you just want it all to end.

 

But it's gets better, things get better.

 

And not everyone is going to be supportive of you, It'll take a lot for them (your immediate family) to get used to things.

And sometimes they'll be angry that they have to change to accommodate your new needs/issues.

And when they get angry they can say some really hurtful things.

 

My mom said some things that were unbelievable. I felt destroyed by her words, her insensitivity.

But today, we get along really well.

 

I guess I just want you to know that things get better, they really do.

 

You can feel like you're at the lowest of the low, but it gets better.

 

 

So just hang in there, k. I can tell you that I am soooooooooo much better today than I was. In all honesty, my life used to be hell on earth, and that's absolutely no joke.

 

But just hang in there as best as you can.

 

Try to protect yourself, k.

 

The lowest part of my recovery was when I was checked into a psych ward. That was a really low point. But you know what? It was better than killing myself. And let me tell you, that visit basically cured me of those suicidal tendencies.

 

I can totally relate to your story.

 

You're angry but you're afraid of certain people knowing about it. Like you're sure your father would kill him, and then you'd feel guilty.

 

I've totally been there.

 

Most people in my family still don't know, for that very reason. But it's hard. It's hard because your father should know.

My father helped me out a lot.

 

I personally thought my dad would kill my rapist, but he didn't. It took everything in him to contain himself, but he didn't kill him.

My dad just talked to his therapist about it.

 

Then of course I got upset, because my friends were offering to attack my rapist for me, when my dad didn't.

 

But it' took a lot of strength, and a lot of leaning on God, for him to not take care of that person the way he would have wanted to.

 

Family members will all react differently. I would say, "prepare yourself for it", but I honestly don't think that's possible.

 

Anywho, hang in there, k.

 

Maybe you should look up therapists in your area, and see how much they charge. Maybe one will be willing to lower their fee for you.

 

Good luck to you, and lots, and lots of *HUGS*

 

~Grace

[Lauren8785]

Wow Grace, she really put herself out there and what a great story to start gaining some insight! I am glad things are finally looking up for you Grace You made it through hell and fought back!! Congrats and I hope all the best for you to come!

 

Amber. I agree with all the other posters here. I think writing your feelings down on paper is a healthy way to start. Drawing pictures is also an excellent idea as well. Beating a punching bag or anything and pretending its that man's face will help too. Anything to take your anger out on something non-living would be super!

 

I don't think you want to deal with legal issues and jail/prison time. It's not worth throwing your life away to life in prison.

 

I know you stated that your Mom's father probably wouldn't care nor would that side of the family be supportive, but have you tried writing a letter to him about how much pain he has caused you, or have tried facing the demon to give him a piece of your mind??? I'm sorry that side of the family isn't more sympathetic towards you but most likely its because they're in denial of your grandpa actually doing something like that. Was he ever sexually abusive toward your Mom or other family members??? If so, you would think they'd understand and or do something serious!!!

 

Anyway, I would agree counseling would be good too or if you can't afford it I am sure there are hotlines you can call and talk to people also. Talk to anyone is is trust-worthy and will listen!

 

Good Luck I hope you can find some inner peace!!

[Gracelove]

Wow Grace, she really put herself out there and what a great story to start gaining some insight! I am glad things are finally looking up for you Grace You made it through hell and fought back!! Congrats and I hope all the best for you to come!

 

Awww, thanks Lauren!!!

[helplesslyhoping]

I really wish I could say I don't know how you feel.

Sadly I know it all too well.

 

Like you I was molseted by my Grandfather. I was about 8 and I am now 39. When I finally started coming to terms with what had happened a few years ago my anger was almost uncontrollable. I had told my parents about it as well as my sisters. (My gradfather died about 10 yrs ago) One of my sisters had the audacity to tell me I needed to forgive the bastard!

 

So here I am trying to forgive. (I hate it whan older sisters are right)

Forgiveness is NOT about the person who hurt you. It is about YOU and your need to live a less burdened life.

Here is a little food for thought...

 

1. Forgiving does not mean that we excuse the person who did it

 

2. Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong thing they did

 

3.Forgiveness happens inside the person who does it

 

We forgive when we are ready to move tword a future unshackled from a painful past we cannot undo.

 

I wish you nothing but hope on your journey. It is long. It is hard. I am slowly finding out that it is also rewarding, hopeful and for once in my life I am beginning to feel free and I am no longer allowing my self to be a victim.

[Lauren8785]

Awww, thanks Lauren!!!

 

Your welcome hun

[sapho]

I'm reading a book called 'Sexography' by Carly Milne.

Maybe it's not for everybody but it addresses this girl's way of coping with being sexually abused by her father.

I relate to Carly's story in some ways but especially in how the trauma can stifle a healthy outlook towards your own sexuality, sensuality, erotic creativity.

This girl went on to define her life by her sexuality - she became a sexpert writer, explored all things sexual...I wonder how she can think about sex all the time but that's how she copes & I wonder if perhaps the early abuse set off her thinking about sex so much.

 

When it happens to you so young it's forever on your mind but you don't have to let it define you.

The book is not for everyone of course but the point is to get it all out there - to share it - to learn from it - to understand that it happens to more people than you would imagine.....that it's not something to stew about alone.....but most of all don't let it negatively affect your own healthy outlook on sex.

 

Taking care of yourself should come first.

Making yourself a success is the best revenge.

Being the best you can in this world is a knife in your abuser's heart.

By not stooping to his level - by rising up above what he put you through - by making the best of your life - being accomplished at what you want to do in this world is the best revenge.

 

Don't let him win! Thinking of revenge is letting him win.

It doesn't mean you have to forgive him.

Even the bible says you don't have to forgive.

The terms of forgiveness are that your abuser must first confess to what he did and acknowledge the pain & suffering it caused you & show remorse.

Then you are still free to decide whether or not forgiving him will free you of his control over you.

 

Be strong.