I think it will finally happen

[Fen]

Hi,

 

I'm looking for advice from the folks here on getting back together. Sorry but it's a long story and I am an awful writer. I have no one to talk to and it's been bottled up inside for a while. I hope it makes sense since I rewrote a few lines!

 

Basically, here is the background, we were together on and off for ~2.5 years. She came from a broken family and always had some issues because of this. She had a hard time accepting our relationship for some reason even if we lived together. We were always highly compatible, but we had problems like every couple. The main issue was jealousy on my part. She was always a social butterfly and naive at the same time. She had a lot of guy friends and it made me uncomfortable since she did not understand that these guys did not just want to be friends. Now wait before you tell me it's my fault. I was uncomfortable because our relationship had next to no intimacy. When we started it was great but nearer to the end, I was lucky if she was in the mood once a month. Even when she was in the mood she would turn away my advances. During our last 6 months, she had not once come on to me. ((On a tangent here, that is my biggest fear if we get back together... what do I do if her sex drive is still non-existent??)). Anyhow, she eventually decided she needed to go her own way to see what life offered. That pretty much fell apart since for whatever reason she lost all her friends but the one person who had always been there for her- that would be me. So even after our break up she relied on me and we spent nearly as much time together.

 

I don't quite understand what happened or why but after our breakup, she saw this guy for a week and told herself 'fine, this is it, I am sticking with this guy'. Of course he lived 4000 miles away. He finally moved here ~4 months after (during which we had spent a lot of time together but kept it clean even though on multiple occasions I could see in her eyes that she wanted me) and they just moved right in together (like I said, she wasn't letting anything get in her way). It wasn't going too well from the start, he worked nights and could not get a better job because he was not educated so she hardly ever saw him. She even told people at work how she was happier with me but still wouldn't give it up. There was a very brief interval after his move that we spoke and she had already said she was considering coming back but ended up not doing so. Following that I don't know what happened, I told her I was no longer talking to her, but he eventually moved back where he came from- the explanation follows.

 

That kind of is what leads us here. She started talking to me again almost daily/nightly on MSN after 3 months of silence. I never really wondered why and tried to be nice. She was leaving on a trip in late April and the weekend before she left, she was talking to me and was obviously very lonely. For whatever reason, I said we should go have supper and she asked if I was serious. I said I wasn't but she answered saying that at least she had been happy for a minute there. Well that made me feel bad so I said I would take her out. So we did go out and had a fun time. I asked why her boyfriend wasn't taking her out since she was leaving and she said she did not want to talk about it. The next day, her last before she left, she called me again to do something so we hung out and went to eat at her favorite restaurant. She said she wanted to watch a movie at my place after (nothing sexual) but had to pack if she was to do so. I said I was not going to the place she shared with another man and she said 'what if I told you he was gone'. So that is when I found he left, probably 2-3 weeks before.

 

She had hinted then already it was over. So I decided after the trip I would ask her to come back. I could already see how different she was with me, how she enjoyed our time together.

 

Fast forward to now. She went on her trip and had an awful time. Her boyfriend of course did not go, not like he would be there for her. She instead went with an old friend and she finally understood what I had been telling her all along that people change. So where they used to get along great they could only clash and the trip was ruined. Halfway through she gave up and flew to see her boyfriend instead. It was for her a last desperate effort to get their relationship working even though she knew in her heart it was over. They did not actually do anything since he works 12-16 hours a day and god forbid he would take some time off to spend with his girlfriend. She started talking to me a few nights ago on MSN and said that as she was not moving there and he was not coming back they both knew what was going to happen. So I told her for the umpteenth time that this is what life was when you got to adulthood. I explained that this is what I had been telling her all along but by this time she had seen it herself and understood the kind of man I was. I asked her if we could start with a clean slate, take it slowly to give her time to get over this guy (who I think saw her as nothing than a relationship of convenience) and see where it goes from there.

 

For myself, I did not spend the last year waiting for this to happen. I won't say I tried very hard to meet someone but I am very shy and thereforeeee use the internet. I found 3 women who were potential candidates but the situation never turned out right. One lived too far and did not plan on moving back before this summer so we lost interest after a month of 2-3 hours phone conversations every night. The second ended up being so immature we threw it all out of the window when we were trying to set up our first date and the third was too shy/afraid to meet me even though she seemed very interested.

 

My big fear now is not me, I've been more than willing to do this from the start. My fear is how it will go with her. I am afraid of losing another 5-6 months of my life doing everything to make this work just to be left hung out to dry. I know it is a big risk getting back together and it might fail as easily as it succeeds, but am I crazy for wanting to try? She has clearly been thinking about it for a while now and I have since the day she left.

 

I can see she has changed a lot over the past year, she is now a woman where she used to be a confused frightened girl. She used to repeat over and over how she did not need a man and was happy alone. Now she understands that she needs a man who she knows will be there for her and she realized that is what I was all along. While she won't come straight out and say she wants to come back- especially considering she went from her trip to see her boyfriend, but knowing it was basically to say goodbye- I asked her straight out if I was wasting my time in putting so much effort in trying to get back together and she said no, she did want to come back, she just needed time. She said she wanted to sit down with me this week and we would talk about what we want and what might happen. I will make it very clear at this point that if at anytime she feels it will not work to tell me and I will turn my back to her and walk away for good. As I am concerned, we are perfect for each other and she sees it now as I have seen it all along.

 

I have not told my friends or family anything in case it does not happen. But I know they will tell me it is a bad idea because she has hurt me before. Plus there is always the scary question in the back of my head "Are we just settling for each other or is this really what is meant to happen?". I can honestly say I am not settling because we are truly good together, but I am afraid of what she is thinking.

 

Would anyone have guidance for me? Any similar situations that had positive results? I am just prolonging my year long disappointment?

 

Thanks for reading.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would say take it slowly. Her and this other guy just ended things and you are not sure yet if she just needs a man around...she seems to bounce back and forth never really spending time without a man. So take it slowly and see if she has really changed and understands what a relationship is all about....both emotionally and physically.

[Fen]

I am definitely going to take it slowly, see where things lead. I don't want to end up the perpetual doormat.

 

It's amusing too because she herself agrees we are a great match, but I think she let some of the problems we had in the beginning fester until it scared her away.

 

I am hoping she was finally able to get over them and be able to lead a healthy relationship.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am definitely going to take it slowly, see where things lead. I don't want to end up the perpetual doormat.

 

It's amusing too because she herself agrees we are a great match, but I think she let some of the problems we had in the beginning fester until it scared her away.

 

I am hoping she was finally able to get over them and be able to lead a healthy relationship.

 

 

I wish you good luck and hopefully this time around things will be much better.

[Belle]

You sound like a very patient and mature person. You'd make a great boyfriend to a young girl who doesn't know what she wants. However, I'm not sure from the tone of your post, that she's that young. I suspect she just took you for granted. I'm wondering if you're giving her the gracious benefit of teh doubt or if it's because you haven't had the motivation and courage to really make an effort to see other people.

 

Either way, I'm really confused as to why you would want to be in a relationship where the sex drives are incompatible. Over the long haul, it will be a huge problem unless you're ok with occasional sex. Be honest with yourself.