need strength to follow through nc

[audrey28]

here is the story:

 

the other day, my soon-to-be-ex bf and i were chatting on the phone, and he was telling me about something and i felt a bit offended. i didn't tell him right away and we put the phone down. then i thought i should tell him instead of keeping my feelings bottled up. so i called, and said that he probably didnt mean to be offensive, and im not asking for an apology, but i just wanted to let him know that i felt offended. then he said that if i didn't want an apology, then i should have just kept it to myself bec there was no point in me calling. this made me mad but after a while, i thought that maybe i did overreact...he was trying to quit smoking so he's very moody, so i apologized.

 

the next day, we chatted again and started off ok. then i told him about some paperwork we needed to get done. i asked him nicely if he could follow it up. then he responded in a way which i felt was accusatory. he said he wasn't accusing me but it certainly felt that way to me. anyway, i flipped and i started raising my voice. i talked about how hard i am working to get our paperwork done. i don't know at what point in my talking/yelling that he put down the phone.

 

hours after, i calmed down and wanted to make some peace but not necessarily to talk again. so i sent him a short email saying this: " i wanted to stay mad.....and i guess i was in a bad mood and overly sensitive. sorry about that. hope to kiss and make up.....happy weekend and talk to u soon......won't call for a few days to clear my mind and give each other a little space. i love u"

 

he hasn't read the email yet when i got a text message from him saying this:

" i think this is blown out of proportion and you're making a big deal about nothing. yesterday and the day before...you are wanting to fight....so...talk to you in about two weeks." i replied with a nice message saying: "enjoy your vacation. be safe."

 

when i checked my email, he responded with this: "WONT CALL FOR A FEW DAYS? Dont call for a month....I am going on vacation....your nuts...please no loooong....analyticatl,......dramatic emails."

 

i am deeply hurt by how he is handling the situation. to think that we are fixing our paperwork so we could be in the same country. i don't know how to look at this objectively anymore. i take responsibility in that i may have overreacted. but to be treated this way? i am doing everything i can not to initiate any contact with him. i have nothing i really want to say.

 

but i feel very weak. i feel very insecure. a part of me feels desperate....i'm 29 and we were planning to spend our future together. although i know it to be true that i am a catch and i have many good qualities, i am having a hard time believing it right now. i feel like "damaged goods".....

 

please, i need people to give me the strength to follow through nc. i don't want to be the kind of person desperate enough to hang on to something bad for her. my friends keep telling me i won't have a hard time meeting someone else, but i really don't believe it anymore....maybe the reason why i let this relationship drag on for 3 years.

 

i am so so lonely and angry at the same time. i can't stop crying and i still can't believe how bad he has treated me. i have been so open to criticism and finding truth in what he tells me, but the moment i try to tell him something about himself, this is what i get. i am just hurting so much right now.

[Keyman]

Hi Audrey,

 

Why is he a soon-to-be ex-bf? Are you not finished now? What are you waiting for and does to have to do with the paperwork?

 

First of all you need to take him off whatever pedestal you have him on. This isn't a quick or easy thing, but I would suggest getting angry about him. Write down all the things that you can think of that you don't like about him and what he has done to you. Study the list. Then whenever you start thinking about him, think of one of those things on the list. Oh I miss him, but he was always more concerned about himself having a good time when we had sex than my pleasure. as an example. Of he was selfish, always flirted with my girlfriends etc etc.

 

Then keep as busy as you possibly can. Go places you've never been with other people. Contact old friends and go for coffee or a movie.

 

Lose him number, his email address and remove from your sight anything that reminds you of him. Go on a date with someone and while many might not find this so easy...get laid. This is actually a really good way to get him out of your mind for a bit and it also says to yourself that it is really over.

 

It's going to hurt, you are going to cry and feel lonely, but it will pass with time, but it's about making that time go easier.

 

I hope this helps even a little.

[audrey28]

thanks keyman. we did not exactly break up. he just told me not to call him for a month. we were planning for me to move to his country so we need some paperwork done. it just hurt so much the way he talked to me... as if he owned me. i am not sure what will happen but i certainly dont want to initiate any kind of contact with him after the way he spoke to me. if he said it differently i would have been ok. but i just dont feel secure enough in this relationship. its an awful feeling... this fear that everytime you squabble, you are potentially losing that person. to tell me not to call him... that is just plain rejection and it hurts.

[greywolf]

thanks keyman. we did not exactly break up. he just told me not to call him for a month. we were planning for me to move to his country so we need some paperwork done. it just hurt so much the way he talked to me... as if he owned me. i am not sure what will happen but i certainly dont want to initiate any kind of contact with him after the way he spoke to me. if he said it differently i would have been ok. but i just dont feel secure enough in this relationship. its an awful feeling... this fear that everytime you squabble, you are potentially losing that person. to tell me not to call him... that is just plain rejection and it hurts.

 

Wow, think about this for awhile. You are planning to move to his country to be with him, and he is treating you like this. All I can say is just be very careful, and keep your eyes open.

[servedcold]

Wow, think about this for awhile. You are planning to move to his country to be with him, and he is treating you like this. All I can say is just be very careful, and keep your eyes open.

 

Really second this, it takes a ton of flexibility and cooperation to handle a long distance move like this, and he doesn't seem to be showing much of those traits. Please reconsider moving just yet and getting stuck in a potentially unpleasant situation.

[audrey28]

thanks. all i'm doing now is taking it day by day with no contact. i don't feel good but at the same time don't want to do something i will regret. i am still hurting....i want to give him the benefit of the doubt. if he is willing to talk, i am open. but i definitely have nothing to initiate. perhaps i have a part in this, and if it is true, and he is willing to work on it as a couple, i still want to have the commitment. but i will not put up with him treating me this way and getting away with it. right now, it really depends on his next move. i am tempted to just disappear from his life without an explanation. but we have been through a lot and i would like to think i have the capability to forgive...as long as he is willing to apologize....

 

thanks for your advice guys, i really appreciate it.