i'm back again, worse than i thought.

[postscript]

okay, i knew i'd be back on here posting threads sooner or later. (i was hoping it wouldn't be this soon.)

so to sum up my story thus far, i have been with my boyfriend for two years now, we lived together, saw eachother every day, etc, and at the end of march he broke up with me because i was too clingy, and because we had spent every day together for months, he needed space.

we were broken up for a month, and i had a really really bad time, and then he called me up, told me he wanted to be together, and we got back together straight away.

fast forward three weeks later, we've had a rough three weeks, fighting, uncertainty, up until a week ago he said he was still unsure, and still felt uneasy about our relationship and us getting back together.

he left this morning to go traveling (for the next month) and i won't be seeing him, but he has promised to keep in contact and call me - we are on good terms at the moment, all was fine. he told me he wants to work on the relationship, and is willing to put in 100%, and promises that he is commited to us.

 

tonight he messaged me at 6pm saying he'd had a busy day and was tired. i texted back, saying i would call later on, and in response he said he was going to bed now (at 6pm?) i said goodnight, asked him to call tomorrow, he didn't reply.

i went to his house not long after that and saw his mum, she told me he said he was going out with his friends tonight (people i don't really like/approve of - drug addicts) straight away i knew that was the truth, that he had lied to me. up until now i have never doubted his honesty, i never, ever thought he would lie to me.

so i waited til about 9pm, and i called him a few times. no answer.

he's never not anwered my calls before, even when he is asleep.

i messaged him a little after, asking why he hadn't answered, that i just wanted to check in and have a chat. no response. i called two times again about half an hour later, no answer.

 

i'm not sure what to do. i'm really worried. i have a gut feeling he is lying to me, i just know. i never thought he would lie to me, and now i wonder how many other times he has lied to me.

 

honestly this is all i can take. he's hurt me, he's put me through a lot of crap, and now he is lying to me.

i guess i can just call him tomorrow and find out what his excuse is, but it is very unlike him to not answer his phone or reply to messages.

i know he will most likely tell me tomorrow that he was asleep, but i don't believe that. many times before i have called him when he's been asleep, and he is a light sleeper, and his phone is never on silent!

i just need to get some sort of answer because it's going to be hard to sleep on this.

ergh. just needing to vent.

[pumpkinmoon]

I am sorry to hear about this.

 

I really do not know what his game is!!!!

 

I think he has treated you very badly and you deserve a lot better. He says he is commited to the relationship but this doesnt seem the case at all and it doesn't sound to me like he is putting any effort in, he seems to think he can just do what he pleases and keep you hanging around in the background.

 

You already have proof that he has lied to you dont you after his mother told you that he went out with friends.

 

I think you are only going to get hurt even more and I think that the best thing for you to do would be to remove yourself from this situation as soon as possible. I have been following your posts and remember reading that he put limits on when he would see you, like once a week and all that jazz, what kind of a relationship is that?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, based on what his mother told you and the way it played out, he is lying to you.

 

And it sounds like he is either dabbling in drugs, or has a drug problem.

 

Honey, he is not giving your relationship 100%... he's not even giving it 50% if he's lying and running around with drug addicts. Drug addicts are extremely selfish and manipulative to get their drugs and do lie to people in their lives.

 

There is nothing for you here. Break up with him and don't look back, move on. Find someone who is healthy and not a drug addict or a liar.

[postscript]

I know what it's like to be with a drug addict, I was with one for two years, and I myself have been sober since May of 07 (one slip up actually, so I would say Dec 07)

I knew we started having problems roughly when he started doing drugs again (Jan this year) - and it took me until tonight to realise that the two coincided - that his habits are the route of all our problems.

I should have realised the path it was going to take when I found out what he was doing again, and I guess I saw through it. I guess I thought he'd be smarter this time.

I know I deserve more, I know he's an utter bastard, why is it still so hard to let go when almost all of me hates him, resents him, has been torn in half by him?

I broke up with him the other night, I told him I knew he wasn't commited, and him saying it over and over wouldn't convince me, and he filled me with promises yet again and I told him I would reconsider - and I did.

I feel weak and utterly freaking stupid. Why am I so unable to let go?

[Litgirl01]

I was in that same position! He hasn't been committed to your relationship at all! He is committed to himself and whatever he is up to! It is going to be painful....but I think the best thing you can do is make a clean break and cut him off. Don't let him treat you that way! He will just keep hurting you! Self-preservation is the key right now!! (((hugs)))

[Litgirl01]

I was furious at my ex for putting me in that situation! And I had moved to England to be with him!

[audrey28]

if you put up with a lot of his crap and it doesn't get any better, then get out while you still can. do not encourage his behavior by letting him get away with it.

[postscript]

That's the thing, I have never let him get away with it. I always let him know when he's hurt me - and it makes him feel like crap... for a total of five minutes.

I know I need to leave him and it's so hard with the distance right now, I want to be there with him, I want to tell him to his face how much he's hurt me. I guess the best thing to do is call him up and break up with him, but I don't even have the guts to do that.

I don't think I am strong enough without him because I spent so long being attatched at the hip with him.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But you know he is taking a path that you can't follow without destroying your own life. If you want to stay clean and become a new person, you have to leave behind any influences that drag you down that path. If he is actively choosing to stay in that lifestyle, you have no choice but to save yourself. You know you can't save him, he has to do that himself, and he obviously doesn't want to.

 

All of us hate to be alone and would prefer to be in a relationship, and have the illusion than any relationship is better than no relationship and make bad choices because of that.

 

But you KNOW that he is lying, drugging, and not treating you with respect and love, and wants those drugs more than he wants you or a good relationship with you. You can't afford to tinker around with him because of your own drug issues, you need to just cut him off and surround yourself with healthy, clean people who will help you stay on a sober path and not wreck your life. There is more at stake here than just wanting a boyfriend, and you need to get clear on your priorities and get rid of him like a bad drug.

[postscript]

I wish it was that easy, hell, getting myself out of my addictions was one hundred times easier than this, I kid you not.

I got him clean once and he stayed that way for 7 months, and I know he was happy. Deep down he was happy, and he was an amazing person, but I know this time it's over. I can't help him again. Only he can, and he's lying to himself about his own addiction - he can't even admit it to himself, he doesn't see it as a problem at all.

I don't want to see an amazing person screw himself up like that. I don't want to let that happen right infront of me, when I've seen what an amazing man he is, and I've seen how happy he can be without his vices.

I think that's the only reason I can't let go.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But you need to recognize he IS both people... that 'amazing' person and the drug addict. The drug addict is expressing some part of himself that he chooses to indulge. People can overcome addiction by recognizing they are both those people, the addict and the clean person, and that they need to want to choose the clean person and express that part rather than the addiction. It is a choice they make everyday, a choice that improves their lives or worsens it, but a choice.

 

So you love the 'amazing' him, but he prefers the 'addict' him. Perhaps one day he may choose to express the amazing him, but if the addict is the part he likes and wants to be, you are wasting your time and endangering your own health by continuing to associate with him. The addict in him will just call to the addict in you and bring that out, and that is not a healthy relationship for either of you.

 

So recognize that the addict IS part of him and not just the amazing person. He's choosing to be that person, and you can't sweep that part under the carpet. If he likes that person, then he also probably liked the addict in you and it would serve his purposes to get you to indulge that again.

 

This is far FAR to risky for you to toy with. You need to choose life and health, and recognize that he is not the only amazing person in the world. There are many amazing men out there, if you would only dump this guy who wants to drag you down and go find a guy who chooses health and YOUR health and happiness over some drug.

[postscript]

Do you honestly believe I have any hope?

If I have done it once, can I do it again? Hell, I don't know what I did then to get him out of that rut, but it worked.

I pray to God that I can get him out of this because I want nothing more than to see the man I had only half a year ago, who was happy with his life for the first time in four years (traumatic events, you know how it is). I want that man back, because when he is that happy, and our relationship is working, it's like my whole life fits into place like a puzzle. Everything just makes sense.

Do I try, or do I give up on the man I love?

I feel weak either way.

[Clabs]

Hi Kim

 

I know how desperately you want to make this work - but sometimes things are busted beyond repair and there is nothing much you can do about it.

 

You got him on the straight and narrow once but he has gone back there again. He doesn't love and respect you enough to want to make any sort of effort to stay off this stuff. There are plenty of times that he could have spent some time with you but he chose to sit and smoke weed and play xbox. You are only close to one another so it is not as if there is any distance issue there.

 

You have broken up so many times and he proves by his actions over and over that he cannot be bothered. Sure - he makes all the right noises when you have it out with him, but then he slips right back into his old ways. He obviously does not value you as you deserve to be valued. And you don't value yourself in allowing this crappy cycle to carry on.

 

What exactly makes him such a great catch? Because I am struggling here to see what it is that makes you want to continue to go back for more of the same old same old.

 

He has it easy really, doesn't he? He makes no effort - treats you rotten, does his own thing - you break up and then he pleads and you let him back in again. He knows that you will let him back in your weak moment and so his crappy behaviour continues. What will happen if you allow this to continue is that his behaviourwill become even more crappy. Currently he chooses to lie to you because he would rather go out with his mates than have to talk to you - nice. What else will he lie to you about I wonder?

 

You can do this - you know you can. You have had strong and positive days where you knew what you were going to do. Those strong and positive days can and will return when you decide that enough is enough - you want out - you want something better - much much better. I hear you about all that growing joined to the hip, but it doesn't seem to make any difference to him, does it?

 

I think you need to really think long and hard about all of this.

 

Mark

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You have to recognize that it was not you getting him out of it, it was him deciding he wanted to play at being straight for a while, then decided he preferred to be stoned.

 

You are falling for the 'savior' complex, believing you have the power to save an addict. that is the worst kind of tricky thinking that is not based on any reality and in fact makes it worse. He doesn't need an external savior to succeed, he needs to grow his own backbone and make a decision that he doesn't want to live that way, nor harm the people around him by being an addict and them having to mop up after him.

 

There is always hope for an addict, but they have to find their own hope and you can't provide it.

 

It has been proven that there are more chances of him staying clean if everyone in his life REJECTS him while he is engaging in drug related activities. He won't have anyone fussing over him and taking care of his problems and perhaps only the LOSS of support will make him realize he needs to behave.

 

So your only hope her it to tell him that you will not be with someone who is using for ONE MINUTE. The second he uses you are gone, then follow thru. He is using now, so you must tell him that it is over and you will not associate with a drug user.

 

If he goes to rehab ON HIS OWN and then shows you ON HIS OWN that he is continuing to live a sober life, then you might consider it. But he needs to know in no uncertain terms that he has used up all his chances and that he has no access to you whatsoever if he is using. No phone calls, no emails, no little pep talks, nothing!

 

I think he doesn't want to change, at least not now... i am sorry. He wants to drug and fool you into thinking he isn't. That's not someone who loves you or wants help, that is just a manipulator.

[postscript]

Guys thank you so much. Every word makes sense, every word is true, and I know what I have to do.

It's 9am and I figured he'd be up and busy by now (c'mon that's what, 15 hours sleep? if he went to sleep last night that is) and he hasn't contacted me at all.

I'm not going to msg him or call him again. If he decides to do so then I will respond, but that's the last he'll ever get from me.

I'll sit there listening to his excuses but I won't let them affect me. He can have one thousand sorries for me, but they can't take back the two years of hurt he has caused. Nothing can anymore, he's hurt me beyond belief and I was stupid enough to let it even get this far.

I just hope he knows that I DO deserve better, and that he has treated me like a pile of crap. And if he doesn't, oh well, his loss. I did anything and everything for him, now he's going to miss having someone around that WOULD help him through everything. He no longer has my hand to guide him through the falls, and I hope it does help him grow a backbone.

Maybe one day he will be the right guy for me again, but right now I'm just letting this awful cycle continue and it's ruined who I am. I no longer have motivation, I no longer feel happy about everything else that's going on in my life, and I no longer have trust in other people - especially not him.

The lies are going to continue, he's going to continue not trying, not making effort, and it's especially easy for him to not make effort while he's miles away.

I had all this hope in my heart that this time away from me would really wake him up, would make him realise all I have done for him, would make him want to at least TRY for us to work. Now I'm seeing the picture clearly - he's selfish, he's manipulative, he would do anything to get his way and he says that he loves me and cares for me dearly but when he hurts me, he doesn't give a flying fkjadsjas.

I've known all this for awhile, but I was seeing the world with rose coloured glasses on, I can't hide it from myself anymore, it's too blatant and in my face. He's an awful person that had so many chances to treat me better but never did try. Never could be bothered.

 

Now I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. Right now I'm not that miserable thinking about it but I will be, I know, and it's going to be utter hell, but I guess it's worse than hurting and hurting for the rest of the time I stay with him.

Thanks for your advice guys, I know I deserve better and I'm going to take forward steps right now to clean up my life and rid it entirely of him.

xox

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You will do fine without him, and will eventually have a moment where you are so relieved that you don't have to deal with his drama all the time. Healing after a breakup is two steps forward and one step back, so you will have cycles when you hurt and cycles when you feel better, but remind yourself that your life is constant drama and misery with him in it.

 

You are doing the thing that is right for you, that will eventually open doors to meeting someone who does love you and want to live a normal happy life rather than live the way drug addicts do.

 

Don't let anything take you off that path to a normal, healthy, happy life.

[postscript]

Ok this will be a long post.

 

He messaged me this morning at about 11am when I was out, basically he said:

"Wow, six missed calls. Baby, I had my phone on silent when I went to sleep, why would you call so much and get yourself upset? Well other than that I hope you had a good night with (your friends). I love you, talk later"

 

And that pissed me off, it probably shouldn't have. He knew I wanted to talk, and I thought he could spare me a few minutes before he went to bed to say goodnight. So I replied with, "The only reason I got upset was because you never have your phone on silent and you always answer it. You know I wanted to call."

He then responded with "KIM it was on silent, and NO, I didn't know that at all. Day 1 and I'm angry at you."

 

I msged back saying: "Well I didn't believe that you were asleep because your mum told me that you had gone out, and it kind of hurt that I wasn't allowed to call you briefly." -- and then a few minutes later he called, and I was busy and had my hands full so I ignored the two calls and then turned my phone off as I had no time to talk to him. I turned my phone on about an hour later and had two messages from him saying: "If you're going to do this, then bye Kim. I don't need this. You couldn't wait til today to talk to me??" and then "It's over kim, I can't take your f---in games anymore, don't go crying to my mum either. I'm changing my number too. I'm sick of the games you're playing."

 

I didn't know how to respond. I wanted SO much to get MY say in but I knew he wouldn't listen. I got home and called him, his friend answered saying that he'd gone out and would be back in about a half hour. Half an hour later I was shopping and he called me, he seemed angry but not too angry. He said it was ridiculous that I called, he didn't want to talk at all last night and was angry that I called him. I asked him why it was such a big deal to talk to me for a few minutes so I could say goodnight. He just said he didn't want to talk to me last night. I said that wasn't good enough, that if he can't manage a brief phone call then I don't want to waste my time anymore.. Then I hung up on him.

He messaged me about 10 minutes later saying "F---king hell I love you Kim, and it is hurting so much. We need to talk tonight about everything."

I'm not getting my hopes up, I'm NOT going to let him persuade me, and I'm not going to believe all his little lies upon lies.

I know he will tell me that he wants it to work but I honestly don't believe he wants to put in any effort whatsoever, and he can't keep me hanging around just by promising me all these little things.

I guess I'll see how the conversation goes, I'm just going to try and be relaxed, not get upset, listen to what he has to say, and tell him EVERYTHING I am feeling.

I need him out of my life, I know I do. He's hurt me more than anyone ever has and I deserve way better, and I don't think he'll ever realise it.

[postscript]

Still haven't spoken to him tonight. I know he's out and busy, but it's past midnight. I'm going to go to bed soon. I've been feeling good, been occupied with a friend but now I'm home alone and I'm getting a bit down.

I'm thinking if he doesn't call tonight, I'll just let it be. I won't contact him, and just see if he actually calls me any time soon.

I'd like to talk to him, infact I am dying to. I just want to know what he's thinking and feeling, I want things to be clear again like they were only a few days ago. Ergh.

[PushingDaisies]

Remember what you wrote in that message above. You do deserve so much better. You have invested so much time and effort into this guy, but he doesnt see it. You got his life back on track for him, and yet he has thrown it back in your face.

 

I know its hard, but the best thing to do is call it a day. And if he loves you as much as he says he does, maybe this will give him the kick to sort out his life for himself. And if not - do you really want to be dealing with a druggie for the rest of your life, or until he does something stupid and puts himself in hospital - or worse? Furthermore, if you are with him, there is always that temptation to slip back into your old ways; not that I am implying you would, but the temptation could be there.

 

For your wellbeing, I think you should call it a day and sort your own life out, you deserve much better. Invest your love and care and loyalty into a guy who will appreciate what he has when he is with you

[postscript]

It's over.

He called last night at 2am, he was drunk. I wasn't impressed. We talked for two hours, I told him everything, how much he hurt me, how little he tried, how he lied to me just to keep me, it hurt him but in the end I told him I couldn't be with a selfish person who didn't give a crap about me and I told him that it was the end, the very very last time. He asked for another chance, and I told him I would never give him another chance, that he didn't deserve another chance after all the second chances I have given him. I hung up and he messaged me. He said "My life without you will be s--t. I love you, Kim."

 

I guess he doesn't understand how many chances I gave him, how much crap I put up with, how much EFFORT i freaking put in for him. How he could easily be with me, and make it work, but he doesn't want to put in any effort whatsoever.

It's over. I feel like absolute crap, I'm crying my eyes out, my heart is sinking, my stomach is queasy, but I have to be strong. I have to get over this.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I'm sorry honey but you know this is the right thing, deep down.

 

He isn't really even trying at all. He does what he wants and then fits you in around the edges and covers for the drinking and drugging with random (and MEANINGLESS) i love yous and poor little me how could you do this to me.

 

He a world class RAT and manipulator. I can see it in his responses to you. Both of you have a big brouhaha about him not calling you, while ignoring the HUGE elephant in the living room that he lied to you about being out doing drugs! his own mother told you that!

 

So he plays on your emotions and alternates between bullying you and playing on your fear of abandonment, then your guilt, then your neediness. He's playing you like a violin but ALL the wrong notes.

 

Get a bit piece of paper and write on it: "He wants second chances the way a kid want cookies from a cookie jar." He thinks he can just dip his hand in that jar for another chance anytime he feels like it. Eat the cookie, then run out and do some drugs, then ignore Mommy for a while. Then when he wants another cookie he starts stroking you and whining and bullying and pleading until he gets one. then the cycle starts again.

 

He's all smoke and mirrors. This isn't about love, it is about him getting everything he wants, whether it is drugs, nights out with his buddies, a warm fuzzy from you when he's in the mood, whatever. He just takes what he wants and ignores the rest.

 

Please recognize that he has no real respect for you or he wouldn't treat you this way. He probably respects no one, but has learned very well how to use people and manipulate them.

 

For your own good, change your phone number, block his email, and root him out of your life. You just don't speak the same language. You are speaking about love and bonding and responsibility, and the language he speaks is get high, party, get laid, go away. You just want very different things from life and each other, and you can't turn him into a responsible decent human being. Don't waste any more of your life trying, there are better charities to give to than him.

[Litgirl01]

Ohhhh hunny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sorry!! I know it hurts so bad...but you know you deserve better than what he was giving you! I am really proud of you for loving yourself enough to do this! I didn't have the strength to end things when I knew they should have been over...I waited until he did it!!! ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) I think you should join the psycho thread asap! We will support you and make you laugh!!!!! xxxxx

[postscript]

God it's so right. You're so right. I need to keep telling myself how bad he is for me. How little respect he has.

Last night he tried to tell me he would quit the drugs for me again. I asked him if he honestly wanted to. He said yes. I don't even believe that anymore. He said he doesn't want to be depressed anymore, that he's been depressed ever since he started doing them again, and he said I needed to help him get out of it.

I told him only he could do it. Then he said he needed time to think about us, and whether or not he wanted to be with me, and I said that I couldn't be with him anymore because he made me hurt and it wasn't worth my time, that I deserved better.

I wish this didn't hurt. I can't put my mind off it. Ergh.

Just keep telling myself that it's the best decision of my life.

[Litgirl01]

YOU CAN'T HELP HIM! YOU CAN'T SAVE HIM! I think you did the best thing you could do for both of you! Sometimes we have to love someone enough to let go! I know how intense the pain is! Have you thought of possibly going to an Al-Anon meeting? I'm not sure if they have that where you are?? It would be great support! Read the book...Codependant No More by Melanie Beattie!!! (((hugs))) we are here for you!

[Litgirl01]

Hope you are feeling better today! We are here if you need us!!