I'm Bitter at How it Ended...but is It Wrong for Me Not to Want to Make Contact?

[Cannon]

Me and my ex broke up at the end of last year because I suspected that she was messing around and she was. I think I've dealt with it pretty well actually...a lot of time I didn't even think about it. But over the past 2 days or so, I find myself thinking about it more and more. I feel kinda stupid because I know she's not stressing half as much as I am...but I'm wondering if talking to her and forgiving her would have helped the process. Problem is, I don't WANT to have a communication or anything to do with her. I'm bitter about it all...so I guess I'm just stuck.

[Machiavelli]

Why would you even want to bother with a girl who messes around with other men?

 

There's nothing to forgive her about. If anything, she should come to you in tears feeling like an idiot.

 

Let it be dog.

 

Keep away.

[Lee182]

I agree with Machiavelli,

 

Let it be... You have said it yourself, you do not want contact with her. Why give someone the satisfaction of being forgiven, when they have have betrayed your trust so badly?

 

You are not stuck, I've been obessing over where my relationship went wrong, I'm convinced she cheated on me, but I can't prove it. She was 'messing around' as you put it, well she was messing around with your feelings aswell. She doesn't deserve your forgivness.

 

I can't give advice on how to stop you feeling like you are, but I know (from past experiences) it will pass. I'm right there with you stuck in limbo, but not wanting to talk to her. It really will pass, in time.

 

Time really is the greatest healer, but you have to let it heal you.

[DieTeufelKatze]

The thing about forgiveness is... it is something you do for YOU, to help you put something to rest and move on. The person being forgiven doesn't need to know that you've forgiven them at all, it is something you choose to consciously do so that you are not stewing over it and ruminating about it forever. Whether or not you tell them is up to you. It also does NOT mean that you condone or approve of what the person did to you. It simply means that you are going to attempt to move past the anger/resentment.

 

That said, of course it is a choice, your ex did terrible things to you, you have the right to be angry at her and bitter. But there comes a point in which the only person you are hurting is you. I used to HATE hearing that over and over from my therapist, but it really is true. I didn't realize it until I'd finally stopped ruminating over what my previous ex had done to me.

 

He did HORRIBLE things to me, like rubbing it in my face that he took a different ex back literally two or three days after we broke up, even going to our company Christmas party and bringing her there, where she stuck to him like a parasite and tried to suck face (I was aware that she was doing it because of my presense). I did not speak to or acknowledge him for over 6 months, and we work in the same building.

 

For several months, every day I was at work, my insides boiled and seethed with anger and teeth-clenching desire to enact ANY kind of revenge on him. You don't want to know the violent and terrible things I fantasized about doing to him and his possessions. I never did anything but be my usual polite, professional self at work, but underneith I was an inferno of rage.

 

Then, about 4 or 5 months after the breakup, I had finally reached a point where I could feel normal most of the time, but that anger still lurked about under everything, and still bubbled up now and then, and then I'd ruminate for awhile and stew some more. One morning, I read up on forgiveness, and realized that yeah... I don't need to tell him, anyway, and I pitied him so much at that point that I finally consciously decided to forgive him. He's an idiot, he knows not what he does... he doesn't deserve me, and most importantly:

 

It didn't mean that I was okay with what he did to me if I forgave him, and it didn't mean that I needed to have contact with him again for any reason.

 

Forgiving was simply a conscious act to try and accept what happened, that he is a flawed human being like all of us. My pain was lingering because somehow I believed that if I held onto it, it would avenge for me or somehow bring him to justice. Obviously, that's rediculous to think such a thing.

 

That day, it felt like a 100lb weight had been lifted off my shoulders... I felt RELIEF, and it was the first really HUGE moment where I realized I was starting to move on. I hope maybe you can come to the same revelation or something similar in your healing soon. Best of luck to you.