The reality of dating

[richmonder80]

Through this site, reading posts, I've observed the following:

 

That people cheat way too often

 

That they try to pick out the smallest faults of their current s/o to rationalize why they see no future with them when in reality, the reason simply is that there is another man or a woman in the background.

 

When your s/o dumpsyou, it wasn't because the differences btwn you two were too great to overcome but it was because there was another man or a woman. However, you were too blind to see that and yet after coming to this site and others providing you with good enough suspicion/confirmation that was the cause, you still refuse to believe that there was another man or a woman.

[ghost69]

well, this site is about getting help. of course you are going to see a lot of problems like these. but a lot of people just don't pay attention. they think their SOs are just so fine and dandy and a person couldn't do that to them. some pretty naive people around here. even with warning signs and asking for our guidance people still get into these situations.

[bmwm3]

This is so true.. i am going thru exactly this with the girl i am dating for 1.5month.. except her friend who used to be her ex.. is coming back into her life next week.. and i have decided to distance myself from her.. before cheating and lying is gonna take place... the strange thing is that we click on all levels.. and she doesnt wanna be with the ex.. but cares for him as a friend.. big red flag. so i decided to back off and let her fig out what she wants... dating is tough.. theres almost always someone else...

[DN]

I agree that cheating seems to be prevalent but not that it is the prime reason for people being unhappy and wanting to leave. Very often there is not someone else it is simply that people are not getting what they need, or think they need, from the relationship. Sometimes it is simply that they don't want to be in a relationship at all.

[Wolf_22]

I agree that cheating seems to be prevalent but not that it is the prime reason for people being unhappy and wanting to leave. Very often there is not someone else it is simply that people are not getting what they need, or think they need, from the relationship. Sometimes it is simply that they don't want to be in a relationship at all.

 

That's about as true as it gets.

 

On a personal note, I've never understood why people cheat to begin with. It doesn't make sense. I mean, I suppose it's because they (the cheaters) prefer to "have their cake and eat it too", but if that's the case, then the innocent parties obviously should realize that they're not at fault and that there has to be someone "out there" for them.

[jettison]

I've written about this a few times on ENA. You could make a negative list about anyone on the planet, no matter how perfectly wonderful they are, that would explain in very certain terms why you need to break up with them. It's a snap. If you think hard enough about anyone, you'll collect the "evidence" necessary to present to anyone else who will listen as to why this person deserves to be jettisoned.

 

Once we have it in our mind that we either want to move on and be alone, or else move and be with someone else, the "evidence" comes rolling in in quick succession as if a trial is forthcoming. For some reason, we can't just say "This isn't for me"... we need reasons that we'd feel comfortable describing to other people so that they will then say, "Your'e so lucky to be rid of that awful person! Good riddance!"

 

Socially, receiving validation for our dumping decision from the general populace is somehow important. And it's also true that the little things that we once found charming, engaging, delightful about someone can so easily be turned into negatives.

 

As in:

 

- She's such a free spirit.

- She was flighty.

 

- She was thrifty and was great with money.

- She was cheap.

 

- His receding hairline makes him look sophisticated. So sexy.

- He is bald.

 

- He makes me laugh a lot, and I love his sense of humor.

- He can never be serious... always making a joke of everything.

 

- I love her curves... she just turns me on with her womanly proportions.

- She's fat.

 

- Would can sit and talk for hours about any subject in the Universe. She always had something amazing to contribute.

- She never shuts up. I want to make a simple point, and she always has to try to outdo me with something more clever or more witty... it's like a compeition with her.

 

- He bought me roses. They're beautiful. He's always thinking of me.

- He bought me roses. Again. It's creeping me out. He's always trying to win me over.

 

 

Your reasoning is merely your reasoning. It's the "stupid words" that tangle us in our desires.

[Lana0120]

Yes people cheat, but whilst there are a lot of posts about cheating if you look through... there are plenty of posts where it's apparent that there was no back-up man or woman waiting in the wings. Sometimes people do realise that they are incompatible or grow apart.

[Tethys]

Keep in mind that reading posts on enotalone sets up a selection-bias -- those who are happy in their relationships probably don't post often if at all, and those who ARE unhappy are the ones who will post, and probably often. I would never use sites such as this one to measure anything in the real world.

 

 

[servedcold]

I agree with OP, most of the time when relationships break down it's because there is someone else in the picture. Most, not all of the time, definitely a majority.

[isittolate]

Way off base here, with alot of situations, you obviously have little experience dealing with. Yes, I admit that I have considered commiting adultery, never did I do it. But, with much emphasis, that I WILL leave my husband before I ever again come close to cheating. I want to end things but certain predicaments preclude such a choice. But until then I come here for advice, understanding, and the like. I don't see this site as so narrowly as you are describing. And I agree, this site does indeed set up selection bias.