What the ???? I thought she liked me !

[tangi39]

My husband and I have a business friend(a girl) who we have known for about half a year. She is not someone we see on regular basis but she is present at a lot of business functions that both of us attend. I have met her, we have talked sometimes longer than she has talked to my husband. (They are not that great of friends, they just chit chat mostly)

I had thought that we got along great ! I have always been nice and pleasant, respectful and I even admired her. She has always been friendly, laughed at my jokes, and even sought me out to talk business and opinions.

It seemed to me like we got along great !

I never felt that she was a threat to my relationship or anything like that, we were friends. We have even gone out for drinks together on several occasions after business presentations.

Well, my husband recently invited her to attend a conference we would both be going to and asked if she's like to join us for drinks after. I actually asked him to invite some friends and specifically asked that he include her among others.

Well, it turns out she sent him a personal email back stating (not so subtly might I add) that she would LOVE to meet him for drinks - but only if I wasn't there. (I also want to add they would not be alone or anything even if I wasn't there-so it's not about that- it's a her and my friendship issue)

Which I must say really threw me for a loop ! Why doesn't she want me there ? I thought we were friends ? And I was the one who invited her !

I don't understand at all ! I have never to my knowledge done anything to offend her- I have always been great to her - So why is she shunning me ?

I just thought that was Extremely rude of her ! It's going to be a group of people, so even if I was there, she wouldn't have to talk to me the whole night. Unfortunately, My husband can't really defend me or ask why she said this- because she's a firm partner and we do a lot of business through the same people. I am just very hurt because I had thought we were friends.

And now she's stating very boldy how adamant she is about NOT seeing me.

I just don't know what I did to deserve this from her ?

 

Any ideas ? Anything at all- cause I surely don't understand it ? Does this make sense to you ?

[ghost69]

she is falling in love with your husband it seems. hanging out with you all that time was helping push this too. you probably talked about him a lot and she had puppy dog eyes about him. she thought he was so cool and attractive hanging out with you guys and how you 2 interact, etc. so now she doesn't want you there. she wants him all to herself and see if there could maybe be more. it has nothing to do with your friendship fizzling.

[ncnc]

She wants your husband!!! That is why she doesnt want you there, so she can get closer to him - Nothing to do with your friendship!! I would watch out if I were you!!!

[lady00]

She is extremely rude. Even if she didn't like you, it's not her place to tell your husband not to invite you. If I were your husband and I were worried about messing up something work-related, I would have pretended I never got the email about you not being there. I think she's obviously crazy if she expects your husband to not invite you based on her request. Who does she think she is? That is truly bizarre, whatever her motivations.

[tangi39]

I don't think it's that (maybe a small crush on my husband) but she is engaged and seems very much in love with her fiancee. Plus, as I said before- even if I wasn't there- they will be FAR from alone- and if she tried to makes moves on him, I will have about 20 -30 other friends present. I suppose it's possible, but I really don't see it being that.

I think those chances are slim- My husband showed me the email and it seemed intended to be more a slap in my face than really wanting to just see him and not me- implying that I did something to upset her.

[AmIafool]

Agree with Ghost - she's interested in your husband. I don't think this has to do with her not liking you. When she emailed him back and said she'd meet him for drinks as long as you weren't there, she was telling him she's interested, not that she can't stand you. She probably didn't think he'd actually let you know about her email. Many a woman who knowingly goes after a married man thinks he'll secretly want to go for it and not tell his wife he was hit on. At first he'll like the attention, and if that's the case, she'll know she can further seduce him. It looks like your husband didn't take the bait.

[Girl79]

Yeah that sounds way too weird.. she has the hots for your husband and doesn't want you there so she can hang out/flirt with him without you seeing it! If I were you, like

lady00 said, I would show up anyways, and your husband could act like he didnt get the email. Who does that anyways? I think it's clear she has some feelings for him, why else would she not want you there? This makes no sense otherwise! The nerve of her too, to tell him not to invite you. Thats RIDICULOUS.

[lonelyandblue]

That is my only idea too is she either has feelings for or wants a fling with your husband.

[i_win]

That was tenaciously rude on her behalf. I think the way to handle it is to have your husband send an email back to her telling her that it was your idea to include her in the first place and that not having his wife there would be completely out of the question because he MUST have his wife along with him cause he loves her.

 

Just spit it back in her face in a nice way and make it clear that not having you along isn't an option. Make her feel stupid for being rude, essentially.

[tangi39]

She is extremely rude. Even if she didn't like you, it's not her place to tell your husband not to invite you. If I were your husband and I were worried about messing up something work-related, I would have pretended I never got the email about you not being there. I think she's obviously crazy if she expects your husband to not invite you based on her request. Who does she think she is? That is truly bizarre, whatever her motivations.

 

I think that too - I mean who does she think she is - She really doesn't know EITHER of us THAT well !

 

I want to say something but feel like I can't or shouldn't.

[Girl79]

Oh is this the woman you posted about in this thread? The manipulative * * * * * who you dont want your husband to be friends with? Too bad she has to be in your lives because of work, I'd be wanting to cut all contact with this * * * * * .

[ghost69]

I think that too - I mean who does she think she is - She really doesn't know EITHER of us THAT well !

 

I want to say something but feel like I can't or shouldn't.

 

then why are you so heart broken she isn't wanting to hang out with you?

[Taylor527]

Yeah, she is trying to wiggle her way into your husbands arms... I'd be careful!

 

 

I'd talk to her about it, say he was in the shower and wanted you to check something on his e-mail and you saw her message and you were really upset about it... ask her what she meant about it. You should put her on the spot and see what she says. Forget being "nice" about it, I'd get to the bottom of this before you start looking like a fool.

[southerngirl]

Even if she is a firm partner.. He can still ask her why she would not want you to be there.

 

Also in the best interest of your marriage perhaps she shouldn't go at all.

[jettison]

I don't think you can read much of anything into it. Your husband is her workmate. She obviously likes him on some level. You're the significant other, but you're not "one of them". You're an "also". It's just different. It may have less to do with her not liking you, and more to do with her liking the dynamic of him and other workmates.

 

I go through this stuff all the time in social circles. It happens. There is always someone left out, purposely or accidentally. Otherwise, every social gathering would have to be a huge party.

 

Also, personally, sometimes I'm in the mood for somebody and sometimes I'm not. A dis-invite isn't necessarilly a diss on the person. I have a lot of different friend circles, and they are very different. So, I may have a little get together, but I only want to see these two particular people. NOTHING against anyone I didn't ask or want to come.

 

I'm in my 30s, and I have a flatmate in her 20s. I LOVE her. I mean, honestly, she's one of my very best friends, and I love her dearly. I'd do ANYTHING for her. We hang out together, get drinks together, sometimes go to the movies together, talk about women together, etc. I can't say enough.... however, I go out with friends all the time, and I'm not inviting her along. It's just a different dynamic. It doesn't mean that I like her any less.

 

Make sense?

 

Everyone who is saying "She wants your husband!!" are definitely jumping to conclusions that may not be accurate.

[jettison]

I think that too - I mean who does she think she is - She really doesn't know EITHER of us THAT well !

 

I want to say something but feel like I can't or shouldn't.

 

If she doesn't even know you that well, but he's a workmate, that this is really understandable. "Significant Other" does not have to equal "Tied to the Hip Other" IMHO.

[tangi39]

I have thought about going there- of course I'm going to go- obviously.

Going right up to her and saying- "Oh hi. I would LOVE to have a drink with you, but I really don't need to condescend to drink with someone who is disrespectful to me and my marriage "

 

Should I say something like this or let it lie. I know for a fact my husband has no interest in her whatsoever, and as I said, there are not even that good of friends- so it's not like He'd be upset that I "ruined" their friendship or anything.

Or should I just ignore her ?

 

I want to be mature about this- but at the same time - I am pretty PO'ed at her !

[lady00]

If she doesn't even know you that well, but he's a workmate, that this is really understandable. "Significant Other" does not have to equal "Tied to the Hip Other" IMHO.

 

I don't think it's understandable in any way shape or form to ask a man to not bring his wife along specifically. I think it's incredibly disrespectful and really bizarre. It has nothing to do with being attached at the hip. Married people can and should do many things on their own, including social outings but to ask specifically that someone not bring their wife or husband is just plain rude and totally not her place.

 

I think it's fine to invite someone who is in a relationship or married out with a group of friends and not to say "oh and feel free to bring your bf or gf" but I think it's not fine to specifically ask them not to. I have in the past said "oh, do you mind if I bring my bf?" (at times when I've had a bf) and it has never, ever been a problem. I would have been offended if it were a problem unless the issue was something like I asked someone to buy a certain number of tickets to something and then sprung it on them at the last minute that I wanted to bring my bf along.

[SerenityAnn]

She should not want to be "alone" with a married man period. ESPECIALLY if she is a partner. That shows a lack of respect period.

 

I hate it when people use their power to take advantage of a position. You should not let her walk on you or your relationship.

 

What does your husband think? What would he think if one of the male partners said he would want to have a drink alone with you?

 

You sound like a good woman do not let a disrespectful woman bring you down.

 

FIRST AND FOR MOST DO NOT BE AFRAID! You are not in the wrong for questioning that.

 

Man i want to give her a piece of my mind. Best of luck.

[Taylor527]

I have thought about going there- of course I'm going to go- obviously.

Going right up to her and saying- "Oh hi. I would LOVE to have a drink with you, but I really don't need to condescend to drink with someone who is disrespectful to me and my marriage "

 

Should I say something like this or let it lie. I know for a fact my husband has no interest in her whatsoever, and as I said, there are not even that good of friends- so it's not like He'd be upset that I "ruined" their friendship or anything.

Or should I just ignore her ?

 

I want to be mature about this- but at the same time - I am pretty PO'ed at her !

 

Ok, what you said you were thinking about saying isn't mature at all... you need to say something to her -but not like that.

 

Just say that you saw the e-mail she wrote to him and was alittle upset that she did not want you to be there... considering you were the one that told your husband to invite her! Ask her why she would say such a thing when you thought you two were friends.

 

See what she says... I would approach the subject to her as you are upset, hurt, and doesn't understand why she would say such a thing about you!

[tangi39]

But I'm a work mate as well- She does business with BOTH of us.

 

Ghost- I'm not heartbroken by ANY means, I'm just wondering what gives because I thought we were becoming friends and that she was a classier person than that.

 

Jettison- Thanks for your reply. I think there might be some truth to that.

The reason it doesn't make sense to me though- is that this was MY thing that I was inviting HER to. So if she didn't want to come, why didn't she just politely decline instead of stating specifically that she doesn't want to see ME. That is what I found rude. My husband and I do a lot together but we are far from tied to the hip- Even when we got out in social circle, we mainly chat with others. That's why her need for me not to be there doesn't make sense to me. It's not like my husband and I don't talk to others or anything. It seems to be a - I only want to talk to some friends thing- but that is such a slap in the face to me since I have NEVER excluded her.

It's not a huge deal- More of a - I don't get it.

But yes, I agree with you- I think it has something to do with business politics. I don't now or ever thought she was after my husband.

[jettison]

I don't think it's understandable in any way shape or form to ask a man to not bring his wife along specifically. I think it's incredibly disrespectful and really bizarre. It has nothing to do with being attached at the hip. Married people can and should do many things on their own, including social outings but to ask specifically that someone not bring their wife or husband is just plain rude and totally not her place.

 

I agree that it's rude to a point. I don't agree that it's as over-the-top as you're painting it though. I just feel that the OP's feelings are hurt because she just found out that someone she likes and respects doesn't like or respect her much in return. So, it stings, hurts her pride, and makes her angry.

 

However, people THINK these things all the time and never put a voice to them. All of us do it. Puting a voice to what you really want is rude while not puting a voice to what you want, not disclosing, and just thinking negative thoughts about someone is peachy. We live in such a world of don't ask/don't tell, that we're perfectly willing to live these little interpersonal lies as long as no one dares put a voice to them. So, we end up galloping around with a parade of white elephants, always pretending they don't exist.

 

Personally, I find it absurd that the husband shared this little email with his wife. It's just unnecessary. It obviously hurt her feelings, freaked her out, and for what? I mean, if you're anti-disclosure (and you're telling me that's what you are since it's "polite") then you should be anti-disclosure all the way around right? Just bury the email, and never give it two thoughts.

 

The husband could have EASILY just said, "Hey, what the flip do you have against my wife? I'm cool with getting together, but telling me not to bring my significant other is lame. How about you come to the social gathering but not bring your "significant attitude"... sound good?"

 

Personally, that's what I'd have done if I were him. No need to rile up the wife for no damn reason over someone who is rather inconsequential in the scheme of things.

[SerenityAnn]

Honestly I hate to even mention it but are you sure ther is not something already going on between the partner and your husband. It does not make sense that he would want to slap you in the face with it. In my opinion he should be more concerned with how you took it rather than ruining a friendship that obviously is hurting you.

 

Business is business. I know that you can have a business relationship with out a friendship.

[ghost69]

all signs point to your man. sorry to put it that way. this is just based on the facts i see.

 

could she possibly just NOT like you? perhaps. but highly unlikely. HIGHLY!

[jettison]

I admit, I missed the part where you said that you were the organizer. That does change things quite a bit as it would seem that she'd be going well, well out of her way to make a point of it rather then just not inviting someone along. I get that. Maybe she's bi-polar or bat sheet nutz? I don't know... just grasping for straws here.

 

Personally, I would take this as a one-time event until it happens again. Everyone is capable of bad moments, bad days, bad judgement. She's presented you with her rope, but let her hang herself with it first.