The soon-to-be EX wants to meet & talk - don't know what to do - need advice BADLY!

[shygirl1212]

Hey Guys,

 

As some of you may already know from my other post, I am in the process of ending an 8 year relationship with someone who I thought was my soul mate.

 

There is no ONE reason but many reasons why I just didn't think that we would make it any longer, or make it in a marriage.

 

We stopped talking for a week, after I told him how I felt. Then 2 days ago, I broke NC (I know, I shouldn't have and I was wrong but I did and now I'm here).

 

We talked 2 nights ago, just about some of the issues that I thought was preventing us from being together. He didn't really respond but to say that he didn't want to talk to me anymore until I "figured" things out - basically that I would go back to him saying that I was wrong about feeling these things and that we should be together.

 

We again spoke last night - I guess I have been trying to convince him AND myself that these issues beween us are real and are an obstacle to us getting married. I know, I am being dumb and shouldn't be doing this.

 

SO last night, he got mad at me, was mocking me on the phone and ended up telling me that God is punishing me (I have had a really ROUGH couple of months with issues in my family, health etc) because of the way I have treated him, and the way I have neglected him.

 

I was really upset that he would say this, especially knowing the issues and complications my family & I have gone through. So we just got off the phone.

 

He texted me today, saying that he is sorry for what he said and that whenever I am ready we should meet & talk.

 

DON'T KNOW what to do.

HELP!!!! I badly need advice!

 

Thanks

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you need to decide if you want to get back together with him or not. It sounds like you really hurt him and he was lashing out. I don't know what the issues were so it is hard to comment as to why you feel the relationship is not working out. Have you neglected him? Have you not treated him well?

[shygirl1212]

Thanks Crazy...

 

It was love at first sight between us but things went sour when little flags kept popping out throughout our relationship beginning with his dishonesty & sneakiness (especially about the girls he was "friends" with).

 

Then, last year I found out that during one of our rough patches a while back, when we broke up (over something he had done), he went on the internet to try to date other girls. I was furious but decided to stay with him.

 

Since then it has been one thing after another i.e. him creating bad credit for himself, on a few occasions borrowing $ from me and not always paying me back, not paying his rent on time, not being ambitious and going after his career/education like he planned to do.

 

Then there are other issues i.e. he wants to raise his children by going to church every week, I don't. He is family oriented, I am career oriented. I have always been more ambitious then him and am financially independent.

 

Lots of differences BUT i have loved him dearly. I have helped him finish school, and get a good job. I have supported him and encouraged him.

 

I don't hold anger towards him. I TRULY want him to be happy, healthy & safe.

 

Just CONFUSED because I do love him YET there is something in me that says 'don't go back'.

[riley123]

Hi,

 

Your situation (more specifically, your boyfriend) reminds me of myself. Read my post ( ; the details and reasons might be different, but in general, our situations are similar.

 

Believe me, I know how painful it is too hear from your girlfriend of many, many years that things aren’t the same, and that she wants out. I think deep down, a part of me was feeling the same way as my ex was, and I suspect your boyfriend would admit the same as well. But right now he’s angry about the possibility of you walking out so he’s lashing out and saying terrible things (that he doesn’t mean).

 

You both need time to think about what it is you want. Sometimes a relationship runs its course and both people change – it’s so tough, but it does happen. Taking a break doesn’t mean the relationship is over, it means that you want to be able to think things through objectively before any type of long term commitment is considered. And that would be the best thing for both of you.

 

I’d be happy to help in any way I can.

[shygirl1212]

Thanks Riley & Crazy to you both.

 

I know that DN has given me some great advice too - I guess I'm torn on whether or not things are fixable BUT 1/2 of me really says "NO" and "LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP".

 

I guess it comes down to the fact that I don't want to see him hurt BUT I know I have to be honest too.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Oh wow.... since when does he have God's cellphone number to know that?

 

That was really immature and/or stupid of him to claim God takes time from his busy schedule to punish you because you annoyed your boyfriend... that is either a really infantile view of the world, or he's got some weird theology going on there with God is in his pocket waiting to slap someone around if your boyfriend has a bad moment.

 

Honey, i can honestly say i would not marry anyone who said something that stupid to me, at least until you investigate his attitudes enough to uncover whether he is a religious nut or else emotionally abusive. You don't kick someone when they're down, and you certainly don't try to claim it is GOD trying to kick you. Absurd, and not nice at all.

 

He may have been trying to hurt you, but again, that is a red flag. When he doesn't win his argument, he hauls out God and says you deserve to suffer. I just wouldn't be with someone like that, unless he agreed to go into counseling to uncover why he does this kind of thing.

[shygirl1212]

Thanks BeStrong. I really like your nick by the way.

 

It was very hurtful when he said that and I just sat there after we got off the phone thinking how awful i was. He said that if I started to treat him better that God would see and be nicer to me. He apologized today via text and said that he didn't mean it, that he was angry. I think that it's probably true.

 

The BIGGER issue is this..I think of us a few years down the road, married with children and him wanting to take our children to church every sunday and joining sunday school and me having different thoughts on it (I am very spiritual but don't believe that you have to go to church to have a relationship with God). I can see something like this being a REAL issue between us.

 

I asked him last night what he would do in such a situation and he said that he would try to convince me that Church was good and that the children should go. I said "what if I'm not convinced and have a different opinion?" He said "I would convince you".

 

I also asked him what he would do if he wanted a child in a few years and I still didn't, he said he would replace my birth control pills with tic tacs. I don't know if he was joking or trying to be silly.

 

AM I over-reacting? I feel like I am really lost.

[DN]

Since you have have been so conflicted on this I think you should meet him - he has apologised for what he said and very often people will react badly and say hurtful things when they themselves are hurt and angry. It is time for you two to stop that particular cycle of back and forth hurting each other.

 

Remember that negotiating nuclear test ban treaties between superpowers is a cakewalk compared to fixing a broken relationship. But broken doesn't necessarily mean broken beyond repair, however it isn't just a case of stick a band-aid on it and all will be well.

 

Relationships are hard enough to manage when things are going well - they require even more thought, effort, understanding and forgiveness when going through a bad spell.

[shygirl1212]

thanks DN.

 

I think the truth is that I am so ambivalent in my heart about a relationship with him now...a truth that I have to accept myself.

[DN]

Well, I did say before that you needed to consider that before calling him. But in any event, this sort of discussion should be in person. You can't read body language over the phone and it is too easy for things to be misinterpreted.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you are ambivalent and there are such fundamental differences in values and goals then it sounds to me like you actually know the answer and are just having some problems making the final cut. The financial things are a BIG issue and no amount of praying to God is going to change that unless he has an epiphany and realizes that mismanaging money is not a good way to go.

[dreamwarrior]

Hi friend...sorry that you have to go through all this stuff my utmost best wishes are with you.

 

Hate to say this, but perhaps it might be best if you just make a clean break and count your blessings that you didn't get married and/or have kids...you would probably be very miserable.

 

I know people say alot of things when they are mad and don't mean it, but yet even so it still hurts the same.

 

My ex/bf was the greatest guy I knew once, until we fell upon hard times and he relapsed back into the drug world....and it's never been the same since. I don't have the power to make a person whole...he needs to do this himself. There were periods of time when we would still do extremely romantic things and then nothing at all.

 

He wanted us to continue our relationship after I finally told him we would just stay friends and see what the future held....There is more to this story, but I don't like to play games...I am 43 years old and need a man who is strong and stable in every possible way.

 

I know guys like to look at porno or magazines, and it just something they do from time to time, but if he is looking at dating sites to chat or go on dates...well hon.....that I see as wrong.

 

As far as religion is concerned...I have to say it's caused more war and death in history that you can imagine....I was born a Roman Catholic as was my ex/bf and believe me I see religion is some type of mind game to control the population...not to mention the priests are pedafiles. I am not saying there is no God or Great Spirit, but religion is a personal issue and not be made into something that should be pushed on others.

 

Then we have the issue of your careers...well if you don't want to be a mother/housewife right now and want a career then you do what you want...you will only be young once and don't allow anyone to take that away from you....I would feel very bad to hear that you allowed him to press you into motherhood and for sure you will regret it....make a great life for yourself and then have kids....I am talking from experience, because if you don't you can rest assure that you will leave him 10, 20 years later because you will feel like you have missed out on something and want to recapture your youth and feel alot of regrets...don't do this to yourself.

 

I know you love him, but if he tries to make you go against your own needs you will resent him in the end and that will be the death of this relationship anyway....find someone who is compatible with you, has the same interests, dreams, goals.

 

You know it's better just go along life doing things for yourself and you will attract someone out of the blue who feels the same as you.

 

Take care and write me anytime.

[shygirl1212]

Dreamwarrior, thank you SO much for writing to me.

 

I came home feeling like total & complete crap and just read your post and it instilled some hope in me, so thank you for that.

 

I think I'm beginning more and more to realize what is wrong in my heart? I feel GUILTY for leaving him. I feel GUILTY because I know that he was relying on me to make a better life for him (i.e. financially, stability etc). By leaving him, I feel as if I am taking the life that he thought he would have away. This is the truth. It is the GUILT of making him sad by leaving that has caused me to stay for the past couple of months.

 

I realize that I have to get past this guilt. It is not fair to me, nor to him.

 

I have done everything in my power throughout our relationship to make him happy and to help him better himself (i.e. helping him finish school, helping him find a job, and encouraging him to succeed). BUT there was always a part of him that was waiting for me to make his life better too (he told me so sometimes). NOW I feel guilty, because that will no longer be.

 

It really BREAKS my heart to know that I am hurting him by leaving him. BUT I am beginning to realize that staying with him *just* because I feel guilty to leave him is not right at all.

 

Sorry guys, just needed to vent. It's been a ROUGH couple of weeks, that's for sure.

 

Coming to grips with a relationship that has ended is so difficult for both involved (the dumper and the dumpee). I feel as if a piece of me is dying with the relationship.