My husband is in the closet, help me!!

[headhoncho]

Thanks.

He will be pissed I was snooping on him and an expolsive argument will occur for sure. It may be the last straw, but if as I suspect, he denies it and just states "I am curious" I am in the same boat I am in now. It also may make him want to end the marriage because of violating his privacy. I did it because I had a gut feeling he was hiding something, but i did not know what.....until now.

[Excalibur]

Again, you need to know your position on it - more than his involvement with it.

 

You know everything you need to know if you'd end the relationship over his bi-sexual tendency.

 

If you need him to admit to, or catch him in the act of sex with a man to be willing to leave.......I'd suggest you think about why you're staying?

 

If it's that you want a father for your kids, and he's a good father - does it really matter if he's bi - if you're goingto stay until you "catch him in the act"? Just stop worrying about catching him.

 

Your sex life is working - because in reality - that's all you've required to work for you in orderto give him the lifestyle he's got now at your expense.

 

To him, he's paying his way with sex...to you - he's not paying his due.

[novaseeker]

Thanks.

He will be pissed I was snooping on him and an expolsive argument will occur for sure. It may be the last straw, but if as I suspect, he denies it and just states "I am curious" I am in the same boat I am in now. It also may make him want to end the marriage because of violating his privacy. I did it because I had a gut feeling he was hiding something, but i did not know what.....until now.

 

All of that could happen .. you need to decide what feels right for you to do in light of your instinct and your long relationship with him.

 

This is very hard. I'm sorry you're going through this situation -- hang in there and try to assess calmly what would be best to do.

[JadedStar]

Does he come from a religious background? EVen if he is not religious, is his family? I ask this because i have several male gay friends who will NOT come out of the closet and who date women, one even married a woman, because they cannot bear the shame and ostracization that they will receive from their religious family members. Or if not religious, is his family very rigid in their views on homosexuality? that is usually apparent as these types of people are very open about their hatred for the gay community.

 

Yes, some men will stay married a long time and be a latent homosexual. Women have been known to do it too. My ex husband had an uncle whose wife left him after 20 years of marriage for a woman. Not one person even had A CLUE that she was a lesbian.

 

I don't say this to scare you but rather to make you better informed. If you think there is a chance he would cheat that is really scary because he could bring aids or other STD's into your life.

 

You need to have a candid discussion with him about this. As hard as it is i'd try to keep emotions out of it as much as possible to encourage him to better open up about it. It is going to be extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing as it is so you don't want to come out of the gate badgering him and screaming and crying or he will recoil into a shell and you wont get anything out of him.

 

You already have enough evidence to know that at a minimum he is bi. If you can't bear to be with a bi man as you stated than you already have what you need to know without even confrontation. The only unknown here is if he is bi, or in fact full blown gay and has been living with duplicity all these years.

[novaseeker]

If she has been having passionate, fulfilling, frequent sex with him for over a decade it is almost impossible that he is gay. Almost all cases of marriages with gay male spouses report either infrequent or un-passionate, dutiful sex. It's much, much harder for men to fake that than it is for women -- and, in addition, recent studies suggest that at least some women experience a significant degree of orientational fluidity during life (that is changing orientation back and forth) than men do. Again, I post this in the interests of keeping the OP informed. He may be bi (or curious), but on these facts it's extremely unlikely he is gay.

[headhoncho]

If this male porn viewing is indeed fantasy and curiosity and he does not plan on acting this out or admit to possibly being bi, How do I prove/know he is really bi? He looks at 99% female porn frequently during the day.

[novaseeker]

The only way a situation of bi-curiosity becomes actual bisexuality is by acting it out, or rather, trying to do so -- so if he hasn't acted on his interest, and has no plans to do so, then it's still in the "curiosity" area. For example, it's one thing to find some pictures or stories occasionally arousing, it's quite another to feel comfortable being intimate in reality with someone of the same sex when it comes right down to it -- and that's really the only "test" of whether something is erotic curiosity or really an orientation.

 

So to prove it you would have to have some evidence that he has actually been with (or even planned to be with) other men sexually in the real world.

[headhoncho]

Thanks for your terrific insight. You are so helpful. I guess I will quit my job so I could follow him around all day.... just joking!

 

impossible to know if he ever will or did act on it.

[Enigmatika]

impossible to know if he ever will or did act on it.

IF he did or will....What would you do about it?

He looks at 99% female porn frequently during the day.

Maybe he should get a job?

...cuz when the cat's away the mice will play...

[Luzenit]

Sorry to say that you are probably right. Your husband is most likely bi and will take the next step. Do not feel bad for spying on him. He made a vow to you and he has an obligation to be honest with you. I am certain if you put a tracker on his cell you would find out for certain. I have heard of men going to adult book stores to satisfy their desires discreetly with other men. Make certain you want to know and have an exit plan if that is your desire. I find it totally disgusting that a husband would engage in sexual activity with other men. I think a wife has a right to know so that she can make the best choices for her and her kids. Men are NASTY.

[lukeb]

If you all ready made a decision that you are not going to trust your husband, as far as I am concerned the relationship is over. Why even bother going through the trouble of going through his stuff, tracking his phone, hiring a PI. Make a decision trust him and stay with him, don't trust him and leave him.

 

If he looks at porn a lot and it bothers you, that needs to be talked about and brought out in the open. In a lot of these cases it is a question of degree. If porn is only a small part of his sexual outlet in most cases it doesn't cause a problem. If porn becomes a dominant outlet, kind of like a sexual addiction and starts to impact on your sex life with him, it needs to be looked at.