Suffering a setback....hoping I recover!!

[tushboy]

Guys am back on the board, those who know me would know that I got back to my boyfriend who had dumped me last July. However, I recently suffered a major setback when we had an argument that's now resulted in a stalemate and him changing his mind about our relationship....

 

Actually this time I am the one to blame, we had an argument over him not making enough efforts the other day and how he's selfish and never looks at things from my perspective....in the end he just blocked me out...stopped taking my calls and answering my messages..so in a fit of rage I texted him, "It's over..am calling it off, I can't take you being so stubborn and blockign me out whenever we have a fight."

 

In the mornign I reached out to him, but it was too late. He's now made up his mind, he says that he needs time to figure out if he did the right thing by coming back to me....Everyone has fights, and I did apologise to him....but he isn't ready to listen. He's stopped saying I love you to me, stopped his calls, messages, basically he's taken a HUGE step back....and I can't seem to stop blaming myself for what happened....I know that he loves me and wants to be with me, but what happened has shattered him and I guess the only thing I can do is that pray and hope and wish that we persevere and go thru whatever we have to.

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm not sure what to say except give him some space. He seems to respond best when you set boundries and then you stick to them.

 

You are angry that he doesn't seem to be carrying his weight.

 

You've apologized for your outburst but stick to your true feelings.

 

Give him some time and if history repeats itself (which it usually always does) he'll be in contact.

 

Hang in there.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Has anything really changed between the relationship now and the relationship prior to your previous breakup? When you got back together did you discuss the problems that were there before? There seems to be a lot of communication issues and you are very frustrated by his treatment of you. While you did indeed react rashly in breaking up with him while still angry, I don't think that is more of a reaction to what is really the problem. You do not seem to feel wanted/needed in this relationship and when you try to talk to him, he shuts down and blocks you out. It seems that you are walking on eggshells around him...naturally that will take its toll and you will eventually blow up. It sounds like you want this relationship more than he wants it. If I remember correctly after you two broke up the first time, he immediately launched into another relationship..which then fell apart so he came back to you. It sounds like this person has emotional intimacy and communication issues which he doesn't care to work on. Is he really worth all this pain and drama?

[tushboy]

YOu are quite on point here....Yes he is worth the pain and drama....I've gone thru immense struggle to get him back in my life...He has lots of issues to deal with, low self confidence, constantly telling himself that he's a loser, life has been bad, and I keep trying to get him out of these low phases....I know he loves me and I want this to work out....but if he sticks to his guns and refuses to let me share his life then all I can do is take a bow...But hope isnt all lost here.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Well I agree. Words like "its over" aren't to be taken lightly. Then again wasn't he the one who called it quits first and then finally came around?

Like you said: he should see it from your side too.

 

What's meant to be doesn't just find it's way. The relationship has to be worked on.. And like you said: it's normal for 2 people to argue, that's why you're 2 individuals. He needs to learn as well to COMMUNICATE. He can't just keep blocking you out everytime you 2 disagree. You both need to calm down when disagreements happen, take a step back and see it from each others perspective then try and compromise I guess after telling each other whats bothering you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are limits to what you can do with someone who doesn't want to help themself. People who shut others down generally do have self esteem issues. While relationships do take work and it is important to stick by someone when they are going through problems, there comes a point when the other person has to walk away if the person with the problems is not interested in helping themself. It is no point becoming a martyr. Love is not always enough. If you are that frustrated by his selfishness, then what are you really getting out of the relationship aside from his presense. Relationships are a two way street...attentiveness on both sides. With this guy he is so into himself that he can't seem to care about the impact of his actions on you. He may love you, but not in a healthy way...because he doesn't love himself.

[Daria_Lane]

Totally agree with CAD

[Addicus]

Well I agree. Words like "its over" aren't to be taken lightly. Then again wasn't he the one who called it quits first and then finally came around?

Like you said: he should see it from your side too.

 

What's meant to be doesn't just find it's way. The relationship has to be worked on.. And like you said: it's normal for 2 people to argue, that's why you're 2 individuals. He needs to learn as well to COMMUNICATE. He can't just keep blocking you out everytime you 2 disagree. You both need to calm down when disagreements happen, take a step back and see it from each others perspective then try and compromise I guess after telling each other whats bothering you.

 

I agree..it is normal for two people to argue but it is not normal to end the relationship because of an argument, endings usually come from bigger issues. So, ending something is serious and I know that if someone did that to me I would listen to what they said. They are strong words. As Crazy said, it seems like you cannot be yourself, that gets tiring after a while. Even though breaking up was not what you really wanted to do, the fact the words came out may mean that it wasn't just about this particual argument but more and deeper issues. You are right ..there is little you can do except give your BF some space. In the mean time think about why you said what you said. We all say things we don't really mean when we are angry, but you still need to figure out why you said it. It might of been a knee jerk reaction, which might tell you that when you are angry and frustrated you need to give yourself a time-out so you don't say something you may live to regret.

 

I am on yourside Tush, I want you to be happy. I have followed your story and hoped to not see you back here, only to report on good things. You are strong, you can figure this out!