question for dumpers, do you keep the stuff, does it mean anything to you?

[npc24]

so i know this is a bad weekend for me as many of you have read.

im not sure how ive spiraled but i have so im just expressing it.

 

My ex looovveedd to give me cards and gifts, clothing books, etc.

he wrote me so many cards (three for each holiday).

 

I loved giving him stuff too and for his bday last year, i went all out. Sadly we broke up days before his birthday and i still dont know why really.

i gave him a bear that had this inside humor and ironically i had put a little voice thing in there that said "if there ever comes a day when i cant tell you i love you, this little bear will do it for me."

 

recently i saw a picture of him in one of my shirts, one that belonged to me and i gave him.

 

I put all of the stuff he gave me in a box and it tortures me to not open it.

ive never been a dumper in a real relationship, and this was my first dumping.

when things end, and then progressively get worse until he said "we cant be friends" after months of him saying "i really want us to be friends", do you think hes kept that stuff? do dumpers feel that attachment to those memories as well?

just need some thoughts from you lovely people

 

AND YES I INSISTED HE TOOK HIS BDAY GIFTS WHEN WE BROKE UP

[musashi]

As a dumpee, I have done like you and put everything that reminds me of them away. It is just too painful to look at that stuff and makes the healing process slow down.

 

As a dumper, I had no problem with keeping stuff around. I would look at a gift with fondness or as I was putting on a shirt or something they had got me, I would smile and think about them kindly. Sometimes I would feel a bit guilty but mostly it was feelings of gratitude and affection that I would encounter.

 

It is a whole different mindset from being dumper and dumpee. There is not a feeling of lose as being a dumper as much as there are feelings of gratitude that they were in your life along with small feelings of guilt.

[npc24]

when we first dated he had a picture of him and an ex from college in his room. it used to bug me...but i wasnt threatened at all.

he had three pictures of us when we were together and i sit and think, did he get rid of them or are they up too?

i dont know which id prefer, them being up or them being put away cuz it was too hard to look at.

[npc24]

did i mention im afraid to watch swingers again cuz it makes me think ill get false hope.

11 months broken up, with 5 no contact ended by him saying after hed thought about it he doesnt see the point in us being friends...its too late, i dont think ill ever mean a thing to him again

[JadedStar]

I have never been sentimental about "things". As a dumper or dumpee there were really no things i hung onto for "old times sake".

 

It is more a song i hear on the radio, or a place that i frequented with that person that will invoke memories. Things never really did much for me to hang onto for any sentimental reason. They would likely just be stowed in a box and never viewed.

[npc24]

well i suppose keeping them i a box says they mean something more than nothing though.

i understand what you mean. what sucks is that i cant even look at certain ads on tv or certain movies anymore 11 months later cuz it just makes me feel so happy and i start reliving what is now gone

[musashi]

did i mention im afraid to watch swingers again cuz it makes me think ill get false hope.

11 months broken up, with 5 no contact ended by him saying after hed thought about it he doesnt see the point in us being friends...its too late, i dont think ill ever mean a thing to him again

 

Swingers is the best breakup movie in the world, imho. As you can see by my signature, the only chance you have is to completely get over them. It is so ironic but it is so true. I have never had an ex contact me when I was alone, down, and wishing they would. It has always been when I was out, happy, and not even thinking about them.

 

I have been following your posts lately and I can feel the pain you are going through. You so desperately want him to contact you. You are, quite frankly, obsessed with it. I have been there too, as most of us on this board have. I cannot stress enough that you must push yourself to move on and past this.

 

It is like an addiction. You have the power to stop but it is up to you to start the process. Dwelling on your ex, hanging on to the hope, is unhealthy. The longer you do it, the harder it is to stop. Leaving the misery behind can soon become as hard as the breakup with the ex itself simply because it has become a way of life.

 

There is no magic solution. You cannot control their actions, only your own. If you are miserable, it is because you allow yourself to be. I know your pain and deal with the same daily myself. But we must realize that our feelings are not controlled by them but by what we are thinking. Change your thoughts and you will change your feelings.

[npc24]

thanks so much, you are so right.

 

ALSO I JUST WANT TO STATE THAT I FINALLY PUT UP A PICTURE OF MYSELF ON THIS PROFILE. SO SHOE, LIT GIRL, ETC CAN SEE WHO THEY ARE GIVING ALL OF THIS ADVICE TOO

i wont keep it up to long ahaha

[Clementine orange]

I've kept everything. Even after relationships that ended very badly. Maybe I'm just really sentimental. I wouldn't have pictures etc up, but I didn't during either so. But I'd never give back gifts or burn things or whatever.

 

[caveat: I might give back a gift if was super expensive - however, that's never come up]

 

I'd like to think that past ex's have enough fond memories of me that they would want to keep letters/pictures etc.

 

btw OP - I like the red X - did you give it up?

[JeckyllNHyde]

Well, as a dumper.. (and also dumpee) I can say that it does hold meaning to the person dumping. But do they keep it? I cannot say. Personally I don't.

It's a bit useless IMO to keep something around, when I know things are over for good and we probably won't be getting back together.

If he moved on, I know it's hard, but it's best if you slowly start letting go of things which bring up memories. It will just make you nostalgic.

 

As a dumpee, I have done like you and put everything that reminds me of them away. It is just too painful to look at that stuff and makes the healing process slow down.

 

As a dumper, I had no problem with keeping stuff around. I would look at a gift with fondness or as I was putting on a shirt or something they had got me, I would smile and think about them kindly. Sometimes I would feel a bit guilty but mostly it was feelings of gratitude and affection that I would encounter.

 

It is a whole different mindset from being dumper and dumpee. There is not a feeling of lose as being a dumper as much as there are feelings of gratitude that they were in your life along with small feelings of guilt.

And my feelings are also everything Musashi has posted here^^^.

[pumpkinmoon]

I am VERY sentimental with everything!!! I havent got rid of anything but I can't look at it either.

[npc24]

the red X is cuz i quit on our would have been one year anniversary, sadly ive started again.

but now all of you amazing peeps can see whos chomping at the bit to take your kind words.

[itsallgrand]

Getting rid of the last ex's things was very emotional for me, and when I did it something changed inside me.

 

I guess those things were symbolic for me. The things were not just gifts: every day items, things that get hidden and become part of your environment when you are with someone for a long time.

One of the hardest things to let go of were socks!! lol.

 

I kept nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's not like he will ever be completely out of my head, or my heart, or my life. Whether for good or bad, and it was a big old mix of all of that, this person was a part of my life.

 

So don't worry about what other does with things. They are only symbolic. Not having them around, or keeping them around, it means very little compared to what is going on inside.

 

The thing is you only have your life to live, and it is madness to focus all your energies on someone who is no longer part of this life.

 

Some people keep things to live in the past. Some people keep them to visit as fond memories, cause it makes them feel good.

 

But when you keep your baggage sitting out as things, that's when it's time to get rid of it. Especially this is painful, but necessary! And the relief you feel when you do it, the ability to move forward, can be shocking and so so wonderful.

 

There is nothing forcing us to keep these things around, and if it hurts you, it'd be foolish to do so. Like I said, it's not like ridding of the things means ridding your past or what was...that can never be changed.

[musashi]

the red X is cuz i quit on our would have been one year anniversary, sadly ive started again.

but now all of you amazing peeps can see whos chomping at the bit to take your kind words.

 

I am smoking a pack and a half a day now. It is really sad that I am doing this to myself. I go from being a health conscious personal trainer to a lump of misery smoking all day. It sucks because I know that I will feel much better if I get back into a healthy life style but I have really been abusing myself the past two months since the breakup. No gym, partying all night, smoking, not eating right, sleeping too much, etc.

 

There seems to be a small part of me that enjoys the pain, misery, and self-pity. It is so much easier to lay around and feel depressed than it is to get up and do something about it.

 

I need a new haircut, some sun (I am pale as a ghost right not), start working out again, and start eating right. Tomorrow I will stop procrastinating.

 

Nice pic, btw.

[musashi]

When my ex dumped me, she asked me if I wanted the engagement ring back. I said "Hell Yes!". Not that I cared to have it back so much as I did not want her to sell it and give that $3,000 to her idiotic cult of a church. She mailed it to me along with some pajamas and other things I had left at her house, as well as some gift cards I had recently given her. However, she did not mail me back the tv, microwave, and refrigerator I had bought for her. Nor any of the clothes (especially the lingerie), perfume, pictures, etc. so I know that she has plenty of things in her house that remind me of her daily. I derive a tad bit of pleasure knowing that.

[chrissykissy83]

I was the dumpee and as soon as he told me he had cheated by text message, i threw my engament ring out the window, i threw a necklace he got me on my 20th bday out the window and now hangs on a radio signal line thing my dad has going from the house to his shed at the bottom of the garden and it just hangs there, it kinda makes me laugh though.

I burnt his new t-shirts that he'd left at my house, ones he hadnt even worn yet and had spent alot of money on, i burnt pictures, i burnt his gloves,lol.

I have kept the perfume he gave me for xmas as i like it,lol and i kept a swarovski necklace he bought me for the birthday thats just been, because i really like it and wasnt as sentimental as the other things.

[musashi]

I was the dumpee and as soon as he told me he had cheated by text message, i threw my engament ring out the window, i threw a necklace he got me on my 20th bday out the window and now hangs on a radio signal line thing my dad has going from the house to his shed at the bottom of the garden and it just hangs there, it kinda makes me laugh though.

I burnt his new t-shirts that he'd left at my house, ones he hadnt even worn yet and had spent alot of money on, i burnt pictures, i burnt his gloves,lol.

I have kept the perfume he gave me for xmas as i like it,lol and i kept a swarovski necklace he bought me for the birthday thats just been, because i really like it and wasnt as sentimental as the other things.

 

LOL. That is funny about the necklace hanging on the line.

 

The moment we hung up the phone after she had told me that she found someone else, I removed EVERYTHING that reminded me of her. She had said I could mail her back the pictures she had just sent of me instead of burning them - she knows that I remove everything after a breakup - but I put them in a box instead. I did keep two pair of jeans that she had picked out for me because I really liked them. Other than that, everything is gone.

 

The other day I realized that I was forgetting what she looked like so I scrounged through some boxes - it took me about 15 minutes to remember where I put everything - and pulled out a picture. Bad move. I forgot how good she looked and just seeing us together, happy and in love, almost brought tears to my eyes. I won't be doing that again for a long time.

 

Btw, your still hot, chrissykissy.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Do they keep our photos if the breakup was not a hostile one? My ex had an 8x10 of me framed and hanging on the wall in his bedroom. Obviously, the photo is not hanging on the wall anymore (don't think his new gf would like that, lol!!), but I wonder if he threw it away. That would make me sad to think that.

 

I think probably.. As a dumper I would put it away, give it to him or throw it away. It makes it harder to let go and see you as truly an ex, especially since it was a non-hostile one. Just my 2 cents.

[dreamwarrior]

I cannot understand what this guy was thinking...for goodness sakes, your cute...I know alot about gay men I live with one and he is right now on the internet obsessing over this guy from Russia and I also live in San Francisco so I am used to seeing it.

 

Anyway heck I just keep the stuff it's part of my life whether past or not...it doesn't make me sad at all. My bf/ex whatever brings me loads of gifts nearly every day and has done this since I first met him...he says that everywhere he goes he always sees something I might like and it's like an obsession for him. Like for mother's day he comes over and brings me this big box full of gifts...he may have alot of issues, but deep down he is good to me....he knows I want to be friends, but he wants us to be together.

 

There is more to this story, but for now I can only give him my friendship and it's better for me at this moment in time, but we cannot predict the future so stay tuned...hehe

[dreamwarrior]

I don't know about dumper or dumpee, but just that right now he cannot give me what I really need, so both of us are on friendly terms and still hang out...funny thing is even when I was young I never had a big problem with jealousy...either you like me or you don't and if one guy didn't suit me then I would break it off and make the joke to my girlfriends...and say NEXT!!

 

Only once I got upset that my one ex's during my early to middle 20's broke up with me while I was in the hospital and was partying in my apartment and the new gf was trying to make my son call her mother...that ticked me off. She was more than welcome to have that rotten ex of mine...I was actually relieved, but to come in my home and use my personal items and expect my son to call her mother was what ticked me off so I beat her rotten A** like a poor stepchild in front of K-mart sending her to the hospital.

 

I took his c*** and tossed it out on the lawn and shut the door....he never bought me anything so I had nothing to throw away...hehe

 

Some of my ex's I stayed friends with for awhile until we lost touch for whatever reason, and the ex I mentioned above argggggggg he better never come near me again.

 

I will probably always be close with my current ex...and as far as items are concerned...funny that this post came up...I was doing my filing today and came accross all the places we ate, visited, and notes he wrote me...I filed them in my expandable file.

 

I suppose it's how the relationship ends whether or not you want to keep the things...as for me I don't care one way or another.

[npc24]

thanks dream, i dont know what any of them think