NewPhillyGuy Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 The girl I recently broke up with, because she was still married and talking about her ex all the time.... She put up an ad on the dating site I found her on "Separated female looking for LTR" I just find that wording incredible! Should you not be DIVORCED first before you start looking for a LTR?? Or, am I just too old fashioned? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 I guess she's trying to be honest about her status. Link to comment
millaj Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 Wow. Talk about desperate.. I thought I was. Why doesn't she get a divorce? Link to comment
just M.E. Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 My ex was married to his first wife for two years and the divorce took two years, sometimes divorces can drag out, mine took one year. I finally figured out why his first divorce took so long. Maybe she wants to be in a relationship before the divorce is final, that really isn't unheard of. People date another person months after a breakup, divorces can be delayed by one party for a very long time. Link to comment
millaj Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 Oh ok.. thanks for enlightening me. I don't have a lot of faith in relationships right now, which is why I realize it's probably better for me to be single. My ex told me that her mom told her the easiest way to fall out of love with someone is to fall in love with someone else. WOW.. that's crazy.. I don't know if I could do it. Although it would distract me from the pain I am feeling now, but I think it would just be masking the deeper issues. Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted May 8, 2008 Author Share Posted May 8, 2008 Wow. Talk about desperate.. I thought I was. Why doesn't she get a divorce? What she explained to me was that she was trying to work out a custody agreement. Not an expert on any of this, but can't she work that out as part of the divorce? Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 in canada you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce. When people separate it is usually because there have been problems for a long time so when they separate they have already had a long time to come to this decision so why should they have to wait a full year before dating? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 Well what kuik's sAid is true in the states as well. She can't get a divorce if a year is not up. Some people will date someone separated, some won't. Before you discard her if she is a good match for you perhaps try to find out the facts. She might not be dragging her feet at all the year is just not up yet. Link to comment
segor56 Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 The I recently broke up with, because she was still married and talking about her ex all the time.... She put up an ad on the dating site I found her on "Separated female looking for LTR" I just find that wording incredible! Should you not be DIVORCED first before you start looking for a LTR?? Or, am I just too old fashioned? I think it sounds kindof jacked. I agree with you Philly. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 What she explained to me was that she was trying to work out a custody agreement. Not an expert on any of this, but can't she work that out as part of the divorce? Typically you have to come to a decision on custody first because it is a part of the divorce. IF one or the other is making it difficult it DEFINITELY will put the divorce on hold and drag it out. When kids and custody are involved it can really drag out a divorce much longer than normal. I would say if you liked her to give her a chance and at least hear her out. She might not be dishonest as you are assuming. Link to comment
just M.E. Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 In Colorado only 90 days is required between date of filing and final orders (divorce decree) and there is no requirement for a separation period, but working a settlement and/or custody agreement is much better to do outside of court, if one can file for divorce with a settlement/custody agreement then the court will usually just act on that agreement and no additional expenses are incurred. In my case, if we had gone to court my legal fees would have probably been an additional $20,000. There is a lot of reasoning to settle before filing. I delayed filing after my ex left for 7 months, hoping we could work out an agreement. Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted May 8, 2008 Author Share Posted May 8, 2008 It was like this: She said she has been separated for two years, and was intending to file, but I never had a sense of when from her. Meantime, we're going on dates and she brings up her ex at least once on every date. Tells me he works on her car and stuff, he was her high school sweetheart. To me, it just sounded like I was the temporary guy and maybe they were starting to get friendly again. Got scared and ran off. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 Okay, your new info sheds more light. Right, two years is long enough to have been divorced if that were her goal and bringing this ex up while on dates with you - unless the odd occasion to illustrate a point is a no no. My ex husband was my highschool sweetheart too, and occasionally will work on my car, but i dont talk about him and don't think about him. Totally OVER him. This woman has some hang ups over hers still obviously. Probably a wise move to have run. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 Yes I agree with JS. For me, I would stay far far away from someone who was still married (i.e. separated) no matter whether the reason was the courts, finances, or emotional ties - unless I just wanted a fling but even then, I would probably stay away until about a year, at least, after the divorce is final and especially if kids were involved. I've heard and read enough from well known psychologists, seen what my friends have gone through - both the separated ones and the ones dating separated ones to be comfortable with my belief that until you're legally single for at least awhile, you're not ready (or ready enough in all the relevant ways) to be in a serious relationship potentially leading to marriage, especially if there are kids involved. To me financial ties can be very real but often have emotional undercurrents, and sometimes can be used as an excuse not to move forward, even subconsciously. I am very aware that often it is 100% financial - but even then, I would prefer to avoid the stress that comes with that particular situation. Relationships and forming relationships are stressful enough without dating a married man who either can't pay for his divorce or who is in a financial entanglement with his wife. I also realize there are so many reasons "why" a person would still be married and I can't possibly know all of them. I am just stating my strong preference so that I would listen to the reasons, and have, but my bias would be towards not dating the person. In general I don't think someone who is still married would know whether they were ready or not even if the only ties were legal or financial -- and, I have had separated men who later divorced on several occasions call me to tell me I was right not to date them at the time, even though at the time they insisted and persisted that they were ready. Just like marriage certificate is more than a piece of paper, so is the divorce decree. I am not criticizing anyone whose divorce is taking a long time, or criticizing people who choose to date while still legally married just saying that in general I would avoid getting involved with someone who was still legally married and if someone were to ask for my advice about dating a separated person (but I wouldn't give unsolicited advice) I would give the advice I would give myself. Link to comment
livinginsbi Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 It took my ex and I 4 years to divorce after separating, simply because we didn't have the money to pay the lawyer to finalize. Also, if the realtionship is bad and you choose to stay and work it out and you try for a couple years - when it ends it's really been longer than what it looks outwardly. At least she's not saying she is single. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 dude, forget about it. you aren't dating her anymore which is the best move you made. put it out of your head. find a drama free girl. rare, but find one. Link to comment
just M.E. Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 At the risk of inflating his ego ;-) ... ghost has given you pearls of wisdom. The best advice is to the point. Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted May 8, 2008 Author Share Posted May 8, 2008 Thanks again, all, for terrific advice! I was only seeing this woman for a month and a half about. I really took to her because we had similar interests, she was sweet, and was always so enthusiastic about getting together. Even before I thought about the next weekend, she was emailing or calling me on a Monday/Tuesday to plan for that weekend. She told me from the beginning that she was separated, but I just started to wonder as I heard more and more about her ex. She would tell me there's no chance for reconciliation, but then I kept hearing about him, so I asked her, and her excuses as to why the divorce was not finalized didn't make sense to me. I feared a day would come where they were suddenly back together, and then I would be out of the picture suddenly and hurt. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 glad you cut it off so soon before you did that to yourself man. Link to comment
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