thought he was the perfect guy...but i found out the truth

[missmebaby]

some of you may have read my threads recently about this guy ive been dating for about a month and a half now. i described him as the perfect guy...he is very affectionate always kissing me and cuddling with me, he compliments me saying im so sexy and he loves kissing me and he loves spending time with me. he text messages me throughout the day saying he misses me, is thinking about me, cant wait to see me, etc. he is never pushy, he insisted we wait to have sex until im totally ready. he takes me out to eat every time i see him, and on top of all that he seems to have a good head on his shoulders...great job, owns his own house, etc.

 

but ive been finding out the truth about him. i dont know why but lately ive just started to get this bad feeling. i dont think hes really acted much different...maybe when we are together hes been just a little less affectionate and he doesnt say things like you make me happy or i like you so much like he used to. he still texts me all the time throughout the day and he still wants to see me every night i have off work. but then last night him and his friend were talking about going to myrtle beach next week. thats the first time i had even heard about it, and he sure didnt ask me to go. my boyfriend was telling his friend how he got a hotel right by the bars so they could party like crazy and just "crawl back to the hotel." i immediately got this horrible feeling in my stomach...i know what its like in myrtle beach during this time of the year. lots of naked and half naked girls, everybody gets drunk, lots of hookups going on. im going to be a nervous wreck while hes there. then last night i was sleeping with him and i kept having these dreams that he was cheating on me and that he broke up with me and just laughed at me.

 

so this morning i did something i shouldnt have done but i have been burned so many times and im so sick of it. im not gonna sit around and be a great, faithful, honest girlfriend while im getting played. i got onto his computer and checked his email and myspace messages. first on myspace it had been bothering me that he wouldnt change his relationship status from "single." it was like he didnt want girls to know he had a girlfriend. then i saw that he had a few messages from some girls that he is friends with. one of them he wrote to her saying her boyfriend is a lucky man and that the first night he met her she really caught his eye. then another message from one of his girl friends said "dont be offended but i think you're so hott." and he wrote back saying "thats definitely a compliment coming from a beautiful girl like you, and now that i have your number we will have to meet up more often."

 

then it was on to his email. this is where i found the most disturbing things of all. i found 3 very long emails to an ex girlfriend that he dated for 3 years. they were from just a couple days ago and he was saying things like "no one has ever made me feel the way you do" and "i know we love and care about each other so immensely, theres not a day that goes by that i dont think about you. i lay in bed at night and think about you and everything." "i loved just cuddling up with you and talking all night, i will always have these feelings for you and i will always love you." but that girl also has a boyfriend she has been with for 3 years and he was telling her that they probably shouldnt talk anymore because he wants her to be with that guy and not get cold feet about marrying him. and he said it hurts him that they cant talk as much as he would like them to but it just isnt right because they are not together anymore and she is with that other guy. she had said something about him having a new girl in his life (me) and that she is so happy for him. he wrote back saying "i dont know where that thing about having a new girl in my life came from, its almost summer, not having a girlfriend." so basically he was denying being with me and saying he just wanted to be single this summer!! i just broke down and cried....3 long long emails with him saying all these things to her about how he still cared about her but they shouldnt be together and then him denying that he even is with me! i am so so hurt by all this.

 

i checked another email in his inbox that really disgusted me and changed my opinion on him. this was actually before i even met him which makes it not quite as bad. it was for one of those services where you can "meet girls in your area that want to hook up." he actually paid money for a subscription and i read emails that one girl sent saying she wanted to meet up with him and get all sweaty between the sheets with him and give him the time of his life. he actually wrote back giving her his number and saying he wanted her to come over. i guess she never wrote back because he wrote her back later saying "i guess this was a scam because you never got back to me." i couldnt even believe my eyes that he would actually contact a prostitute i guess you could call her. he never met her before and she does this all the time and he wanted her to come over and bang him. i really cant stop crying...so mad at myself that i got fooled again. once again i think hes a great guy, i actually thought he was the most amazing guy ive ever met but i had no idea i guess.

 

i dont know what to do, please someone give me some advice and some opinions. do i break up with him? do i have a talk with him? do i just let it blow over and see what happens with us? i cant reveal to him that i was snooping, even though i dont regret it. maybe since we havent been together very long this isnt such a big deal? i dont know, ive never been in a situation like this. he texted me today and i didnt respond back...so he texted me again asking if something was bothering me. i still havent responded and that was about 45 minutes ago. i dont know what to say to him. please help me out, i am so sad

[Excalibur]

You've been dating and doing this guy for 1.5 months......this is all about fun, sex, conversation, and sharing events and activities....he doesn't have an obligation to you, he's not someone you know as a person...why are you snooping in his computer?

[Caterina]

I've learned that you gotta guard your heart for six months to find out how the person really is before you get involved...especially with the romantic ones b/c they might be aware that we women are gaga for that stuff.

[Lionel Hutz]

This is a time when you need to be alone for sure. He has confused the hell out of you. Its not really good that you snooped, but you got the results you were expecting. Regarding his behavior you should distance yourself. Before you even read the emails you had a small trust issue it seems.

 

If you feel that he should know how you feel and what you know tell him. Be prepared for all of the excuses in the world, and also for him to turn it around on you since you snooped. But counter act that, he is being a bit dishonest. He has not really broken any rules technically; He signed up for the dating site before he knew you, and the things he says to his ex may be true, thinking about her and missing her, BUT! He needs to be single if hes gonna play with fire like that, because your emotions are at stake.

 

SO! From a male standpoint, let the dude go for now. It will be hard but this guy needs to learn to not take you for granted. He needs to acknowledge your relationship. That myspace thing is bull. I hate that relationship status jive. This guy has a big ego so let him go soil his royal oats and realise what its like to be ripped off for his emotions. Im really sorry this is happening to you, but its good to cut your losses early and move on. It will help you get what you need, or even later make him realise he had a great women, and not just some beach rat. Good Luck and hang in there.

[missmebaby]

excalibur, he is my boyfriend. we are exclusive, he came out and told me HE DOES NOT WANT TO DATE ANYONE ELSE. im sick of being the girl that is trusting and is such a great girlfriend but ends up getting burned. so i decided before i fell in love with him and got into this relationship any deeper, i would find out if there was anything i should know. i was getting this weird feeling and having these dreams about him cheating on me and breaking up with me. i had to know the truth. sure, it was wrong to snoop in his things but i dont regret it. this is something i might have never found out, its surely not something hes going to just come out and tell me.

[BellaDonna]

This is unfortunate, but at least you are not in too deep yet. You should let him go ASAP.

 

He's clearly not over his ex at all- that alone is bad enough. If he is one of those myspace flirters that just adds to his undesirability.

 

i couldnt even believe my eyes that he would actually contact a prostitute i guess you could call her. he never met her before and she does this all the time and he wanted her to come over and bang him.

 

This is just gross. You deserve better.

[Excalibur]

Exclusive is just simply that he's sleeping with nobody else. It might be that he's dating nobody else.

 

It certainly it never giong to mean he doesn't have feelings, desires, or lust for someone else....."I do" doesn't end that either.

 

It appears you tend to rely and attach quickly, and you tend ot think you get the short end of the stick alot.

 

So you are the common denominator in every situation and relationship inyour life - not the rotating faces.

 

He's dating you - because you're present...he enjoys your company, the sex is exclusive and mutually agreed to.

 

Maybe he wants to get back with her, maybe she's a better fir for his lifestyle and goals in life - but she's not where he is right now - and he's where he is right now.....and he's only been dating you for 1.5 months.

 

You don't know the guy...and you claim to be in love with him, bestowing a title on him of "boyfriend" and that menas he has obligations as you see it based on your needs and expectations.

 

You're looking for guarantees, and life doesn't offer them.

 

You're apparenlty using 'being in a relationship" as a source of identity and security, that's a huge mistake.

 

when you fall in love, attach and rely really fast - all it means is you don't like or love yourself at all, and you're in love with the idea of being in love, being loved, and how it'll "fix" all your problems.

[BellaDonna]

You're looking for guarantees, and life doesn't offer them.

 

This is true but most people can find MUCH better than a guy who is willing to pay for casual hookups, write love letters to his ex, and go on binge drinking vacations where they "crawl back to the hotel".

 

IMO, the guy sounds like a REALLY bad choice for a boyfriend all around- whether it's been 1.5 months or 1.5 years.

 

If he presented himself as something totally different than that- I can see why the OP would be offended/ hurt.

[Excalibur]

That's my point.....binge drinking, crawling back to the hotel, and paying for hook ups told her right off "this is not commitment material".

 

And yet - she calls him boyfriend, and attachs and relies anyway.

 

She didn't need to find his love letters to his ex to know he was bad news. She's conditioned herself not to assess the facts unless it involves another woman possibly - and THAT is a problem for her.

[BellaDonna]

When I read it seemed that she only found out about this information just last night, and this morning.

[missmebaby]

whoa excalibur where did i ever say i loved him? im not even close to loving him. i dont understand where you're getting all this from. im not really attached or relying on him...we see each other a few times a week with him being the one to always ask me to hang out, he is almost always the one to always text me and call me first. i spend time with my friends...one day a weekend i insist that we each go out with our friends instead of seeing each other. he goes out with his friends during the week when i work and i dont bother him by calling or texting him to see what hes doing, who hes with, etc. i never say a word to him about going out without me. sure, i have feelings for him and care about him...i think i should otherwise why even waste my time? i dont think that me being hurt because he may be playing me and sneaking behind my back means that i am overly attached...it just means that im a human being and have feelings

[sourpeach]

break up with this guy.

 

and dont listen to anyone, snooping is perfectly fine. it's only a problem for people who are trying to hide things.

[riley123]

I’m sorry to say this, but you’re not in or heading towards a healthy/stable relationship. If you feel compelled to check his e-mail after only 1.5 months together, then what will you do if your stay together for a couple of years?

 

My advice to you is to say goodbye now before you become attached. Life’s much too short to constantly have that “horrible feeling” in your stomach. There are plenty of guys out there that are looking for a girl that they can develop a serious and long-term relationship with.

 

Also, it sounds like you have some trust issues because you say you’ve been burned so many times before. It would be very beneficial for you to talk to someone about that because you don’t want to see the right relationship disintegrate because you are not able to trust someone with all your heart.

 

Good luck!

[pinkelephant]

uh.. what? no.

 

I totally understand where she stands. If he's in a relationship, he shouldn't be talking to his ex about how he stilll loves her. that's hurtful and betrayal. Sure it's only been a month, but that doesn't change anything. Commitment is commitment. Obviously it differs from being a year or 10 years as in how much he invests in the relationship but he should still not be contacting his ex like that.

 

To me that's a big big red flag.

 

 

Last night, the guy i'm seeing was somewhat flirting with my bestfriend (not balantly but can see that they are attracted to each other) i was pretty sad. it has nothing to do with not loving myself or any of that nonsense. it just simply has to do with loyalty. if he wants to be her, he shouldn't be that way. it's okay to like someone else while in a relatoinship, it's another to be contacting them and confessing your feelings. that's emotional cheating.

 

Her snooping, imo was called for. Although it wasn't/isn't justifiable. It's just in the guts. been there too.

 

OP, i'd dump this guy asap and move on. gl.

[Excalibur]

If you've known someone 6 weeks, how can you commit to anything but what feels good whenever we're together?

 

You don't know the person.

 

Any promises you make to exclusivity are you living by your standards and wtihin your boundaries - not because "they are so all that'.

[JadedStar]

That's my point.....binge drinking, crawling back to the hotel, and paying for hook ups told her right off "this is not commitment material".

 

And yet - she calls him boyfriend, and attachs and relies anyway.

 

She didn't need to find his love letters to his ex to know he was bad news. She's conditioned herself not to assess the facts unless it involves another woman possibly - and THAT is a problem for her.

 

I agree.

 

We don't know anyone in a month and a half, even if two people say they will be exclusive that is still the early stages where you evaluate what you see. What you have seen sucks so now you know to move on.

[missmebaby]

ughhh he just texted me saying "miss ya sunshine." i just want to scream "stop with all the games!! what do you really want from me!?!!?!?" and i dont know how to respond...i dont want him to know that i am angry at him or hurt by him. Not yet. Because i want to talk to him about it in person....i want to see his facial expressions and hear his voice. I want to see how he responds to this. If i act differently now everything will come out and it will all happen over the phone. So until tomorrow i guess i will act like everything is ok.

 

theres something else that kinda bothers me...those messages to those girls on myspace were from a week ago. and the emails to his ex were from sunday. But monday i went over to his house and he didnt act any different. Tuesday morning first thing he did was text me saying "morning sexy i had an amazing time with you last night, i was thinking about you as soon as i woke up this morning. i hope i get to see you again tonight" Usually if you really are starting to have feelings for someone other than your girlfriend or dont want to be with your girlfriend anymore or are even thinking a little bit about breaking up with her, wouldnt you become more distant from her and start to act differently around her?

[Excalibur]

The answer to "what he wants" is easily found.

 

Attention/adoration/fun/sex/conversation/approval/applause.

 

That's why he's so charming, deilghtful, etc. when you two are together.

 

it's that youo're looking to evaluate him for relationship material - while eliminating all the high of infatuation for yourself that's the problem.

 

You're trying to evaluate how he feels and what he wants in life - he's reacting to how he feels at the moment he feels it.

 

He means what he says when he says it - but he's not saying anything that involves 5 minutes from now.

[missmebaby]

its funny because i just remembered a couple weeks ago before we had even had sex. i was trying to explain to him why i wasnt ready yet. i said because i want to make sure he was the real deal and wasnt playing me. he got upset and said he couldnt believe i actually thought he was like that. he said hes not like that at all, he said hes a very trustworthy and honest person. he said he has always been the nice guy and plenty of times girls have said they couldnt date him because he is too nice but he said he will never change into an azzhole because thats not who he is. i told him that i was sorry but i kind of have walls up and he said "well then im just going to have to prove to you that im a good guy and you should let me in." he said it really bothered him that i would even think for a second that he wasnt in this for the right reasons or that he was a player or just wanted some a*s.

[servedcold]

Sorry you are going through this. I have to disagree with Jaded and Excalibur's view some and agree with other points they make and add some.

 

First, Excalibur, agreeing to date exclusively includes everything, not just sex. I can't imagine you would be too happy if your exclusive GF told you she couldn't go out with you Friday night because she had a date with someone else... or maybe you wouldn't care, most would though. You are right that OP really didn't need to snoop in light of his Myrtle Beach party talk, that should have been clue enough for her to step way back from this relationship and evaluate his actions very carefully going forward.

 

Jaded, sure they are in the getting to know you phase, and they probably agreed to exclusivity a little fast. They still agreed to date exclusively and he should not be communicating with an ex in the slimy fishing expedition way in which he is, early or not. He's obviously testing the waters with his ex for a romp, and is using the "doth protest too much" strategy to do so. OP is not to blame for believing his claims of wanting exclusivity and expecting him to honor them.

 

OP, that's pretty aggressive snooping so early on. You found things that disturbed you and rightfully so, but you need to take a look in the mirror here and cut the snooping out in the future unless you have been in the relationship awhile and he is giving definite signs of bad behavior. Make a habit of this and you will end up losing a good man one day, as an honest, experienced man will dump you in a heartbeat for such.

 

The guy sounds like the typical guy that ruins things for the rest of us and leaves a bunch of mistrusting women in his wake. Good for you to know this and get rid of him. He's just another bad apple in a world full of bad apples.

[Excalibur]

Here's another way to consider it.....instead of it being "does he just want a piece of as$".......you slept with someone you knew 3 weeks because YOU WANTED SOME PHYSICAL GRATIFICATION.

 

If something has to be refused UNTIL there is a bond and connection, then you're going to wait quite awhile - months, maybe a year or more.

 

It's you are thinking a bond will result because of physical gratification, spending money on one another or whatever - you're wrong tehre too.

 

So give someone of yourself what you want them to have - be it sexually, monetarily, time-wise, etc....so that you don't run around i life all paranoid that you're with a 'player".

 

It's very rare to find someone that wants what you wants and defines it as you do - it's very common to meet people that want what you want generally - and compromises can be negotiated.

[missmebaby]

he called me as soon as he got off work...he asked me if something was wrong or if i was mad at him. i told him i had just been thinking and that i felt like i didnt really know him and i didnt know what he wanted from me. he said "wow this just came out of the blue. did i do something to make you start thinking about this?" i said "no, ive just been thinking about it for the past couple days." he said "i told you i dont want to date anyone else, if im not happy in a relationship i get out of it." i told him that i felt like maybe he didnt want a relationship right now. he said "i want to hang out with you all the time, if i didnt want a girlfriend then i wouldnt be hanging out with you so much and saying all these things to you. i want a girlfriend but im not in a big hurry to put a ring on anyone's finger. i ask you to come out with me every weekend, if i was looking for someone else do you think i would do that? i have nothing to hide." he said "im really sorry, please tell me what i can do to make you feel better about us." i told him it was just me wanting to know what his intentions with me were. he said he was really glad i came to him with this instead of letting it bother me and he wants us to talk about stuff like this when it comes up.

 

a couple minutes after we got off the phone i got a text message from him. "Really sorry you feel that way...i may have a little guard up...last girl i gave everything to and she made a jerk out of me...im just not trying to rush this."

 

ughhh i want so badly to believe him. Those 2 girls that he was messaging on myspace he has never tried to hide from me...he has been friends with them for awhile and he tells me he gives advice to the one girl all the time about her boyfriend and he told me last weekend when she met up with him and his friends. The other girl he even introduced me to and told me that they hang out when they see each other out at the bar. The ex girlfriend that he was emailing he has told me all about her and how she has depression and she used to just break down crying for no reason and he couldnt take it anymore and thats why they broke up. He said he is mad at her because she thinks that she still owns his heart and she thinks he still wants to be with her after all this time. He said that takes a lot of nerve to think that. He told me that hes told her before that they shouldnt talk anymore because she keeps getting the wrong idea. I didnt see her as a threat at all.

 

Ugh i have a lot of thinking to do...honestly the part that bothers me the most is him getting on that sex site to get some stranger to come over and have sex with him. i did not think he was that type of guy AT ALL

[Excalibur]

He's being honest - but you won't see it that way most likely.

 

 

He's telling you that everything I do with you - it's because I want to do it. I'm not being forced or pressured, it's fun and enjoyable and as long as it is that - I'll keep doing waht I am doing with you."

 

It's that you'd turn around in 6-8 months if he broke up with you and claim he was lying....

 

But he's not.

 

He's saying he dates one girl at a time (you don't know him well enough to know if he considers a hook up for pay breaking exclusivity or not), you're the girl he's dating now - because that's who he wants to date.

 

if he broke up - it'd be for the same reasoning pattern...I don't wantto be with you anymore, it's not as fun and exciting as it once was, and so I'm ending it before finding someone else to spend time with.

[anggrace]

Im sorry missmebaby. Some people will say ANYthing to get in your pants. People will lie right to your face. Look at his actions. THAT is what's going on. He's playing you. If he really cared about you he would NOT be talking to other women like this. I agree with the others that a month in a half isn't that long. Get out while you're not in too deep.

[servedcold]

Ugh i have a lot of thinking to do...honestly the part that bothers me the most is him getting on that sex site to get some stranger to come over and have sex with him. i did not think he was that type of guy AT ALL

 

I'd be more upset about the letters he's writing to the ex than the sex site.

 

1. He has denied you to her, and would probably deny you to others if it forwarded whatever agenda he is running. No one who is aboveboard in a relationship denies that they are exclusively dating someone when they are. This is the most egregious dealbreaker in my book. Do you think if he met a willing woman during the summer that he would hold back because he has an exclusive GF? Not a chance.

 

2. Despite all his rationalization, he is sizing the ex up for something going forward. He is hoping to pique her interest by saucing her up with emotional reminiscence, then doing the takeaway by saying "we shouldn't talk any more" then still being there for her because he's such a good guy. I wouldn't be surprised if they have hooked up recently, maybe even while you have been dating him. He is playing her just like he's playing you.

 

3. Men (and women) who are happy in a relationship don't write letters to exes that read like that. Moreover, they don't carry on the way he does on facebook. It should be the honeymoon period where you are both smitten and think of nothing but each other, and his words lead you to believe this is the case. His actions though, say that he is using you while he sets up other opportunities.

 

4. I think you need to fess up to your snooping. He will twist things around to blame you, and may pitch a fit and take off. He will also rationalize all of it away to the point where you are almost convinced he has done no wrong. Here's the test, if he rationalizes ALL of it away and takes no blame, putting it all on you, he's a total scum and you are right to get out fast. If OTOH he admits that he was wrong to deny you to his ex, and admits fault in some of the other stuff, he might have a shred of decency. I'd still dump him regardless though. Best wishes.