Help

[mca1975]

Hi all, I've not been on this "string" of enotalone before (dating for shy people) but it seems kind of applicable in this case.

 

I started seeing a guy who has issues about 3 months ago, there is a big attraction to him, physically and emotionally. He is not right for me, he is really insecure, thinks he is not good enough etc. We have such a good time together tho when we meet up, but then he withdraws and doesn't call for 1/2 weeks. We have spoken about it lots of times and have both independently called it a day for these reasons, but we always end up missing each other and seeing each other again.

 

I just can't seem to let go of it. I want a relationship and he says he does too but feels scared to. He is very insecure but what makes it worse is that I am too! I am too insecure to call him even sometimes and he seems the same! It's never going to work. Before this weekend, I didn't call him for two weeks and neither did he and thought it best to leave it, then he called and after thinking about it all day, I contacted him in reply and we ended up meeting up and spending two nice days together. We made some progress (in getting closer and talking more about our pasts) and I sensed he felt quite a bit more comfortable with it all and we went out with mutual friends as a couple, which was just great. We always meet in the circumstances of having a good old drink, which may be the problem I dont know, and thought we have a sexual relationship, its not all about that, as there are times that we have met up and not had sex, even if he has stayed over. The next day, as in, in the morning, he is very shy but say's that he doesnt want to go home.

 

He confuses me and at times it does tear me apart inside, but I am lucky to have a lot of good friends around me and a good social life. He says he confuses himself too. He is not happy in his life and with himself, he has admitted this to me. He says he understands what I am saying and that its not fair, but still he comes back. I cannot resist meeting up with him because deep down he is a very sweet person and sensitive and we get along very well and have things in common. We kind of made plans over the weekend, like for future meet-ups, but I sense that he has gone "away" again as I have not heard from him since then.

 

I know that I should resist the temptation to contact/reply next time, but I know I won't. Maybe until I meet someone else?? but then again, he learned of an ex that we both see socially and said he felt very jealous about it, but he understood that it is in the past.

 

I would just like to hear from other people who maybe have the same thing going on.

 

thanks

[annie24]

hi - i'd let him and and just do nc. he sounds like he has a lot of emotional problems. is he doing anything to try to overcome them? therapy? counseling? anything? if he isn't taking any steps, then i would not stick around for him. it sounds very unfair to you, especially if he is not talking to you for a week or two at a time. i wouldn't be able to handle that.

[mca1975]

he would not be a 'therapy' kind of person I can tell you that now but when I see him trying in his own little way, I find it so sweet and endearing. It is unfair to me and sometimes I get angry about it. Im sure there will come a time when I will have enough of it and will do NC. its the only way I will learn I guess.

 

I didnt do NC with my ex last year and we ended up sleeping together for ages afterwards and it was a very bad time, but I have now gotten over that and I learnt so much from it too.

 

thanks for your reply

[annie24]

well, if he isn't doing something to try to make a positive change in his life, then why stick around? it would be one thing if he were actually TRYING to fix this issue, but if he won't get therapy, isn't reading self help books, isn't going to a support group, whatever..... then why would things change in the future?

[mca1975]

you are right, its not going to change, he is too negative to do anything like that. he is trying to get a job, has sent CV's off etc. which is a very positive move for him but he rarely opens up to talk anyway, and I am a bit like that too about talking, its never going to work. its a sad situation. we really need to stop this, more for my benefit really. I know I can do it if I really want to, so maybe I will have to be the stronger one.